Doctor Who: Fall of Reach

You'd think the Doctor, in his infinite wisdom would avoid a world like Reach when the Covenant invaded. Of course, in Doctor Who: The Fall of Reach the author takes great pains to make it as likable as possible, while at the same time give as little detail so you don't know what's happening.

It doesn't make it any more worthwhile, though.

So the Doctor and his companion end up on Reach. First conversation?

Quote :

"Right, quick look around this beautiful planet, then we have to be off... before it's glassed." The Doctor said, not exactly making sense. "Glassed?" Avril repeated. "Well, yes; in a matter of speaking. Anyway, by my calculations that won't happen for another ten years, we should be fine." The Doctor replied. "Might? This planet better be worth it" Avril sighed.

OK, back-up! Who the fuck is Avril, where did she come from, how did she meet the Doctor, and where the hell is Amy Pond?

The author continues to neglect their Enter key in writing dialogue for the remainder of the story, while Doctor and Avril are confronted by two red-shirt ensigns UNSC soldiers.

Quote :

Two soldiers with guns ran over to the couple. "Hands above your head!" They demanded. "What have we done wrong?" The Doctor pleaded. "We saw you step out of that box! The one that just appeared out of nowhere!" The marines answered.

"We're not sure what regulations it's violating but you shouldn't be doing that here!"

Quote :

"But this is the 26th century! You have teleport." The Doctor replied. "We have teleport chambers, how the hell did you teleport on the middle of nowhere!" The marine shouted. "Oh, right... erm, stray signal?" The Doctor said. "In the middle of a covenant invasion? Yeah right" The marine grated. "Covenant invasion? Oh no, this is Reach, the fall of Reach!" The Doctor said coldly.

Glad you're quick to pick up on it, Doctor! Too bad I figured it out before you.

Quote :

Boom! A drop pod landed on the marines.

It's funny because it happens to players all the time. It never gets old.

O hai Covenant.

Quote :

A door opened on the pod. Out stepped a 9ft alien, armoured up, with futuristic sword made out of electricity in its hand. "Wait!" The Doctor pleaded. The Alien stepped forward, and raised its sword.

Hmmm, I wonder what Avril's thinking looking at an alien standing posed ready to attack?

Quote :

"Avril? You've been very quiet." He turned around. She was gone. He ducked just in time as the alien attacked him.

"Off to shit a brick in the TARDIS...Oh well you silly humans..."

The Covenant's still kind of waiting, Doctor.

Quote :

"JJIY DJHE EIC DEUD FRNJN!" The Alien shrieked. "Ah, well, that's good... I suppose." The Doctor replied. "YHC EGDE EIDJHBC DHUEHEUDM MWHDUK WHDU!" It demanded. "Take me to your leader" he added.

OK, what the hell? Really? Is that really how you're going to write the Covenant talking, author? You're not even going to bother with "Honk-honk warrgh blark!"? I mean, the TARDIS should be translating this after all!

OK, I guess face-rolling the keyboard works as a legitimate way to write foreign language effectively nowadays.

Avril, we learn, was taken away by invisible UNSC troops that the Doctor clearly would have picked up on had he been too engrossed in the gibberish-talking Covenant. But she's not important enough to focus on long enough so back to the Doctor and the Covenant Elite.

Quote :

"HWU WUSHUW UWJSNWHU! HWU WUSHUW UWJSNWHU! HWU WUSHUW UWJSNWHU!" It questioned. "Well, I'm a Timelord. But if you mean who, I'm the Doctor, my twelfth face too." The Doctor said.

Twelfth?! It's the Twelfth Doctor? Oh, geez, Matt Smith is going to be pissed when realizes he's going to regenerate into a moron!

Cut to next paragraph of Avril pleading with the UNSC soldier to go in search of the Doctor, and one last paragraph for the chapter of the Doctor realizing how much of a fuck-up it was coming to a planet in the Halo universe in the first place.

This is one of the most ridiculous stories imaginable! And considering the author wrote an entirely different story explaining the 12th doctor, I have as much patience for that as I do waiting for porn to download.