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 I Am, The Death of an Asari, A Mass Effect fic.

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Somath Cegem
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PostSubject: I Am, The Death of an Asari, A Mass Effect fic.   Sat Jul 30, 2011 5:32 pm

I assume you've been made aware of [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] and their delusions of grandeur.

Well, here we have one of the Inner Circle Members Moderators pieces, and it's fairly terrible.

In Mass Effect 2 when you first see Samara she is kicking the ass of some eclipse mercs, one of the three groups of mercs you had to save Garrus from and stop from being general dicks for a lot of the game.

This is the story of the one who gets neck stomped.

Quote :
I Am

Posture hunched, I shuffle away from the glowing blue goddess before me, my heart hammering mercilessly against my chest. She saunters towards me slowly, her heeled boots tapping lightly against the floor with each step. Her head is held high, not arrogant, but not proud – she simply is what she is, biotic fire dancing from her lean body.

That's funny, because when I saw the look in this characters eyes in the game all i saw was "Shit shit shit, I'm going to die!!!" apparently I just wasn't looking deep enough.

Quote :
Her cold eyes lock with mine as she asks a question, not expecting an answer. I clutch the gun tightly in my hands, cold metal cutting into my flesh – my useless lifeline. Protesting does no good; my fear for my superior shows I am not loyal to my family through love.

Wait what? How does that show anything?! What are you talking about! Have you been trying to hack the translator to sound scottish again? Explain fanfic! Explain!

Quote :
I am Eclipse.

Stupidly, I tell her she cannot know what horrors I face; that she could never match the terror inflicted into me by my own sisters. I threaten her.

I am foolish.

You're bleeding dead is what you are, Shepard got how deadly a Justicar is within 2 minutes, they're part of your freaking society you should know these things! Darwin award is in the post.

Quote :
I am broken.

You shitty little Merc Shepard has killed 100's off, she Biotic powerhouse, me not at all surprised.

Quote :
My hands try to push me away, moving by themselves without any permission as the older woman strides towards me with strong intent. Before I can even attempt to stand up, she pins me down on the floor with her heeled boot at my neck. The pressure pushes at my last remaining connection to this world; the fragile bone with the spinal cord wound lovingly around the structure: such a delicate thread holding my existence in place. My teachings, my family and friends...my culture; my love for the arts of our beautiful species and my straying to a less than noble path – it depends entirely on this moment.

Were this bond to be broken, all I ever was would be lost

Actually I've changed my mind, I think she's gonna make it guys, just because she's a murder and a lawful neutral knight templar has a high-heel to her throat doesn't mean she's got got no chance and should make her time.

Quote :
I am Asari.

At the Justicar's mercy, I wait for her judgement. She asks again for the knowledge she seeks; I am left with a choice.

Loyalty or self-preservation?

You should know Justicars don't do mercy for your types and should be basically keep the info back out of spite cause you're dead either way, instead we get.

Quote :
Eclipse are my family now; my new sisters and my new mother. Our ties are stronger than love and friendship – they were made in blood and fear. It seems only fitting I should leave them in a similar fashion. I spit my last curse at my captor, but I see no reaction in her eyes. She merely gives a simple blessing, and then twists her foot.
Moronic loyalty from a group that has been shown to gladly stab each other in the back for their own personal gain, how in character for what we're seen so far of this group, right?

Quote :
Centuries of life shatter. Breath leaves my body and darkness falls.
If you were more than 100 I'll eat my non non-existent hat.

Quote :
I am what I am.

I am gone.


And so am I.
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littledorrit
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PostSubject: Re: I Am, The Death of an Asari, A Mass Effect fic.   Sat Jul 30, 2011 5:48 pm

Ugh, poetry and prose built around the phrase "I am." Very juvenile, very Creative Writing 100. That was the assignment my high school creative writing teacher gave us on the first day so we would "loosen up."
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Penguin
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PostSubject: Re: I Am, The Death of an Asari, A Mass Effect fic.   Sat Jul 30, 2011 5:51 pm

It's quite clear that these literate union types exist solely to believe that copypasta makes them elite.

Quote :
She saunters towards me slowly, her heeled boots tapping lightly against the floor with each step

Try and imagine someone, anyone doing this.

Quote :
Her head is held high, not arrogant, but not proud – she simply is what she is, biotic fire dancing from her lean body.

You have to have pretty much zero self esteem to believe that a neutral expression is holding your head high.
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Cyberwulf
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PostSubject: Re: I Am, The Death of an Asari, A Mass Effect fic.   Sat Jul 30, 2011 7:51 pm

Yeah, why is this bad exactly? If your answer is HURBLEY BURRR CANON WAAAH, then it's not bad enough to be here. PS McGee for fuck's sake learn how to English properly.
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PostSubject: Re: I Am, The Death of an Asari, A Mass Effect fic.   Sat Jul 30, 2011 9:13 pm

This has got to be the wordiest death scene I have ever seen.

Also:

Quote :
... she simply is what she is, biotic fire dancing from her lean body.

Samara is the blue flame dancing from her lean body?

Please put down the glue and step away from the keyboard. I don't think anyone really gave a rat's ass what that Eclipse merc was thinking before she got her melon twisted off.
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PostSubject: Re: I Am, The Death of an Asari, A Mass Effect fic.   Sat Jul 30, 2011 9:47 pm

They do say talking is a free action.
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Cyberwulf
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PostSubject: Re: I Am, The Death of an Asari, A Mass Effect fic.   Sun Jul 31, 2011 9:58 am

I'm curious as to why this is badfic just because it's a character piece about a very minor character.
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Somath Cegem
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PostSubject: Re: I Am, The Death of an Asari, A Mass Effect fic.   Sun Jul 31, 2011 12:38 pm

Cyberwulf wrote:
I'm curious as to why this is badfic just because it's a character piece about a very minor character.
Because it's a very badly done character piece, with contradictory phrase such as somebody holding there head up high not proudly, which makes no fucking sense. Statements about the characters culture that would even leave somebody who knows Mass Effect lore scratching there heads in confusion let alone somebody who has no clue what an Asari is.
It's stupid, it's banal, it's pointless and it's a waste of space.
Sorry if that doesn't reach your lofty standard of god-awful, but then, garnering your approval is never one of my priorities.
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Cyberwulf
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PostSubject: Re: I Am, The Death of an Asari, A Mass Effect fic.   Sun Jul 31, 2011 4:35 pm

Somath Cegem wrote:
Cyberwulf wrote:
I'm curious as to why this is badfic just because it's a character piece about a very minor character.
Because it's a very badly done character piece, with contradictory phrase such as somebody holding there head up high not proudly, which makes no fucking sense. Statements about the characters culture that would even leave somebody who knows Mass Effect lore scratching there heads in confusion let alone somebody who has no clue what an Asari is.
It's stupid, it's banal, it's pointless and it's a waste of space.
Sorry if that doesn't reach your lofty standard of god-awful, but then, garnering your approval is never one of my priorities.

Jesus fucking Christ, how can you critique anyone's writing when you don't even know the difference between "there" and "their", or when to use an apostrophe? Are you stupid or is it just laziness?
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Somath Cegem
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PostSubject: Re: I Am, The Death of an Asari, A Mass Effect fic.   Sun Jul 31, 2011 4:56 pm

Cyberwulf wrote:
Jesus fucking Christ, how can you critique anyone's writing when you don't even know the difference between "there" and "their", or when to use an apostrophe? Are you stupid or is it just laziness?

Stupid. Next question?
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