Why God, Why?


 
HomeHome  FAQFAQ  RegisterRegister  Log in  

Share | 
 

 Attack of the Pretentious Twific

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
littledorrit
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2010-03-13
Age : 25
Location : At the Mountains of Madness

PostSubject: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Fri Jul 29, 2011 4:25 pm

There are probably thousands of ways fanfiction can become godawful enough to deserve a sporking on our boards. One of the most effective is undue arrogance - that is, the disastrous results of an author injecting their delusions of grandeur into their already awful (or even just mediocre) writing.

The Websites section has introduced me to Lord Kelvin, an FF.net contributor and self-appointed moderator with narcissistic personality disorder and [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]. How much of a snob is he? This much of a snob:

Quote :
Funny, but fancy report cards are not commonplace for most of You. Writer-to-critic relations tend to end with a neat "don't read if you don't like" argument. In fact, it is so wide-spread among first-time constructive criticism recipients, I'd say not using that line means You are one exceptional writer. Alas, for the majority, it is a vivid case that should not be ignored. There is a number of scenarios for this argument to occur, so bear with me and keep Your cool.

Capitalized "You" in original. It's as if he's addressing his advisees as God, and he's really, really disappointed in God. Also, this excerpt is followed by six paragraphs of advice, four of them long, as well as links to Lord Kelvin's [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] and a website that donates rice to the world's poor when you answer grammar questions correctly.

So we know the sort of individual we're dealing with.

Quite unusually for a stickler for good writing, Our Lord and Savior Kelvin Christ is a declared Twilight fan and Twific author. The Twific in question is called [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], and from what I know about Lord Kelvin, it had better be a fucking masterpiece. It had better be King Lear, The Brothers Karamazov, and The Naked and the Dead rolled up in a joint with the world's best weed and smoked in a Tibetan monastery with all four Beatles.

What do you mean it SUCKS?

Let's begin with the first two senstences of the introduction:

Quote :
A treat to that sweet tooth. Crimson is beautiful when they touch it.

Can you touch a color? Are crimson things ugly or boring until you touch them, at which point they become gorgeous?

-1 point for using the word "crimson" in the first paragraph of a vampire story.

Quote :
The skin quivers upon their breath.

-2 points for writing a sentence that only makes sense if one reverses the subject and object, and then only barely.

Quote :
Mystery becomes delicious in a nightly shroud.

-3 points for writing a sentence that doesn't make sense no matter what you do to it.

God, I'm having a bad concept album flashback and I wasn't even alive in the '70s. I assume we're also the children who grew too fast and the [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.].

Quote :
Your humble servant promises no interruptions throughout the story. This dark work is read best in a calm atmosphere.

-1,000,000 points and you know why.

Quote :
Feels good when they bleed.

I've gone to the ends of the earth searching and searching for the referrant of that "they." Oh, poor, poor orphan, whatever shall we do?

Quote :
No craving can match the royalty of Hunger.

They bow down to my power and kneel by my wishes. Since birth, every creature succumbs to the will that strokes the delicate strings of fate to join the melody. Sentient beings call it life. I named it me.

Why am I not surprised Lord Kelvin wrote this? He seems like the kind of person who would call himself "the will that strokes the delicate strings of fate to join the melody" and make himself synonymous with life itself under the guise of writing from the perspective of Hunger.

Yes, this fic is narrated by Hunger. As in the personification of the biological drive.

Ugh, where's Neil Gaiman when you need him?

Quote :
Others do not matter. Whatever they feel goes back down to my abyss. Hunger conquers all. It is supreme. My wings spread above love, above fear, so every filthy animal experiences their master's existence.

See what I mean?

Quote :
When he stalked prey, the id-ridden male believed it was his choice.

Wow, and I thought "topaz" was a pretentious adjective. I'm going to declare Lord Kelvin's style aureate, grandiloquent, and execrable.

Quote :
The only choice they ever make is to serve or die a death as gruesome as my wrath.

Wouldn't death from starvation itself be Hunger's gruesome wrath? scratch

Or am I just too stupid and blind to understand the great words Lord Kelvin hath given unto us?

Quote :
No slave is granted permission to leave my stables. Ever.

The personification of hunger has stables? Are they on his farm? His farm that grows nothing?!

Quote :
Resist all they wish. The next mind game only makes it better, because flesh is tempting to men and women alike. Though, when I tickle the senses and set them drifting to one clear goal, it becomes unbearably seductive. No holds barred for the predator. He will use every trick I have written in the hallow pages of that egoistic brain.

The male is strong, I say. The dance begins now, I command. And the better he obeys, the greater rewards he shall reap.

Good pups never strain their leashes. That is why I have such a passionate fascination with night creatures. Reigns of my power are burrowed deep into their undying subconscious. The worm roots itself in every cell to vibrate according to one…suggestion: "Eat. It's good for you."

WE GET IT, DUDE.

Quote :
I relax and enjoy another seed welling up to pop into a vibrant growth. It kisses the fertile soil of the pale body, and lodges inside to prosper with the rest. The next bite brings him closer to me. Eventually, they are assimilated, having completed the trip to the ultimate truth: I am everyone and everywhere.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :
Remorse is unknown to the enlightened. Their essence is purified from everything additional and unnecessary. When they are ready to consciously and fully accept me, I allow nightmares to become most secret fantasies.

Enlightenment: a Hindu-Buddhist concept of liberation from all desires and thus all suffering, or the feelings of heavenly excitement experienced by Ted Bundy when he was out stalking pretty ladies?

Quote :
And so I set those inside me free, knowing they have learnt the rules perfectly and the only fantasy left is to make me proud. It's good to make your master happy.

I'm going to stop pretending I have any inkling of what any of this shit means. Okay, so the personification of hunger, Hunger, is the head vampire, who feels a sort of parental pride when beings surrender completely to their desire to kill and eat each other. Okay.

Quote :
Though, happiness is alien to me...

I haz a sad

Quote :
...Unlike pleasure of fulfilment. They thrive in it as I prosper in them, my wonderful tools and obedient limbs. Wise and omnipotent, the ethereal whole does not ignore a part's plead to be brought into contentment. Only an imaginary god would ignore their selflessness and sacrifice for my welfare.

Feeding is a risk while death is certain. Those who agree to exist by the terms of a full life are rewarded with its finest gems. My inheritance spreads to beings that became my fingertips, my lips and feet. They receive the sacred right to take in my name.

Challenge to WGW: come up with a plausible, comprehensive explanation of the above passage and post it on this thread. Whoever makes the most goddamn sense wins.

Back to top Go down
Notanoni
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2010-04-29

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Fri Jul 29, 2011 6:17 pm

Quote :
Reigns of my power are burrowed deep into their undying subconscious.

This sentence would make sense (but still be pretentious and purple prose-y as hell) if it were rewritten as either "Reins of my power are burrowed deep into their undying subconscious." or "My reign of power is burrowed deep into their undying subconscious."

As to the rest of it: NO SENSE WHATSOEVER!
Back to top Go down
Trioculus
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-11
Location : State of Utter Confusion

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Fri Jul 29, 2011 7:14 pm

Quote :
Quite unusually for a stickler for good writing, Our Lord and Savior Kelvin Christ is a declared Twilight fan and Twific author.

(emphasis added)

Doesn't that just end the discussion right there? The second bolded statement pretty much obliterates the claim asserted by the first. "I like Twilight but..." should be an automatic disqualifier of the speaker/writer's opinion.

And I don't think "purple" describes the prose adequately. I think we're talking so ultraviolet it gives the reader skin cancer.

Quote :
Quote :
...Unlike pleasure of fulfilment. They thrive in it as I prosper in them, my wonderful tools and obedient limbs. Wise and omnipotent, the ethereal whole does not ignore a part's plead to be brought into contentment. Only an imaginary god would ignore their selflessness and sacrifice for my welfare.

Feeding is a risk while death is certain. Those who agree to exist by the terms of a full life are rewarded with its finest gems. My inheritance spreads to beings that became my fingertips, my lips and feet. They receive the sacred right to take in my name.


Challenge to WGW: come up with a plausible, comprehensive explanation of the above passage and post it on this thread. Whoever makes the most goddamn sense wins.

"I suck blood. I make all the other vampires suck blood to be more like me, and fap myself to the thought of all the other vampires sucking blood."

I'm probably way off, but it made my head hurt reading it enough times to come up with that.
Back to top Go down
Exodia's Right Leg
Shitgobbling pissdrinker
Shitgobbling pissdrinker
avatar

Join date : 2009-08-04
Age : 31
Location : Niggertown, HUAHUEHUAland

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Fri Jul 29, 2011 7:39 pm

I have one! It's the rambling screed of a really, really pretentious writer who thinks that stringing complicated words together equals deep philosophy!

Do I get a cookie?
Back to top Go down
Howithurts
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2011-06-20

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Sat Jul 30, 2011 11:18 pm

What is an id-ridden male?

Also, urpleprose =/= good writing, Kevin.
Back to top Go down
Owlish
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2010-03-06
Location : Not giving a hoot.

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Thu Aug 04, 2011 6:00 pm

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

I'm just picturing this guy (the [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]) writing this urplerific monstrosity, and it makes it all that much funnier. From discovering absolute zero to Twific...everyone needs hobbies I guess?
Back to top Go down
Chris91
Knight of the Bleach
Knight of the Bleach
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-13
Age : 50
Location : Salem, Mass., USA

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Thu Aug 04, 2011 6:19 pm

Lord Kelvin? This ignorant egomaniac doesn't even deserve to be ranked as a court jester.

I'm betting 6 to 1 odds this guy has no friends and couldn't get a date if the future of the universe depended on it.
Back to top Go down
Pierre Gringoire



Join date : 2009-07-24
Location : Home

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Thu Aug 04, 2011 6:37 pm

You'd think a man with such an extensive vocabulary and over-inflated sense of his own intelligence would be active in other fandoms besides Sonic the Hedgehog and Twilight. (No offense to Sonic fans.) Seriously, he's part of a group called Literate Union and the only book he writes fanfiction for is Twilight. Frickin' hilarious.
Back to top Go down
Rabid Badger
And This is Why I Need Medication
And This is Why I Need Medication
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-10

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Thu Aug 04, 2011 8:40 pm

It might actually work if he wrote Hunger as less arrogant and self-satisfied. Why would the embodiment of a basic human instinct talk like a stereotypical bad movie villain? He's Hunger-he knows he reigns supreme. He'd have no need to gloat because he's secure in his position. What we're hearing isn't how Hunger feels about his minions, but how the author likely feels towards anyone who isn't him.
Back to top Go down
Owlish
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2010-03-06
Location : Not giving a hoot.

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Thu Aug 04, 2011 10:05 pm

Pierre Gringoire wrote:
You'd think a man with such an extensive vocabulary and over-inflated sense of his own intelligence would be active in other fandoms besides Sonic the Hedgehog and Twilight. (No offense to Sonic fans.) Seriously, he's part of a group called Literate Union and the only book he writes fanfiction for is Twilight. Frickin' hilarious.

LOL That is actually pretty hilarious. Has anyone bothered to tell him that Twilight is not exactly great literature? Someone should drop him a note...
Back to top Go down
Braigwen
Why yes, I am a Rocket Scientist!
Why yes, I am a Rocket Scientist!
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-14
Age : 37
Location : Punching Udina.

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Thu Aug 04, 2011 11:29 pm

That's funny. A kid who sees himself as a literary heavy-weight fan-girls over a book written so the author could vicariously sleep with her own religion's prophet.

Stay classy.
Back to top Go down
Chris91
Knight of the Bleach
Knight of the Bleach
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-13
Age : 50
Location : Salem, Mass., USA

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Fri Aug 05, 2011 7:28 am

Pierre Gringoire wrote:
You'd think a man with such an extensive vocabulary and over-inflated sense of his own intelligence would be active in other fandoms besides Sonic the Hedgehog and Twilight. (No offense to Sonic fans.) Seriously, he's part of a group called Literate Union and the only book he writes fanfiction for is Twilight. Frickin' hilarious.

If you're into gallows humor, maybe. Those other fandoms should consider themselves lucky Kelvin hasn't touched them yet.
Back to top Go down
Sheba
Shitgobbling pissdrinker
Shitgobbling pissdrinker
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 30

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Mon Aug 08, 2011 12:24 pm

It reads like he's trying to emulate Walt Whitman and failing miserably.
Back to top Go down
Nevvy
Sporkbender
Sporkbender


Join date : 2009-06-30

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Tue Aug 09, 2011 2:05 am

Sheba wrote:
It reads like he's trying to emulate Walt Whitman and failing miserably.

Yeah, not nearly enough grass and sexualized horses.
Back to top Go down
your mom
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2010-02-25
Age : 30
Location : Endor's forest moon

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Fri Aug 12, 2011 9:50 am

It's such a strange feeling to read a passage and understand every word you're seeing... yet still have not even the slightest fucking clue what you just read. It always gets me. It's like looking at something in a foreign language and pretending to yourself that you can read it, while really you're just sounding out the words and they sink no deeper than that.

I'm sure Lord Kelvin could write a really profound paragraph about that feeling and what it explains about the human condition. Or something.

littledorrit wrote:
it had better be a fucking masterpiece. It had better be King Lear, The Brothers Karamazov, and The Naked and the Dead rolled up in a joint with the world's best weed and smoked in a Tibetan monastery with all four Beatles.

I laughed SO hard.

ETA:
The Almighty Lord Kelvin wrote:

Have a nice, abuse-free day™️. is a trademark of Lord Kelvin. Copyright Lord Kelvin 2004-2010. All rights reserved.
Wow.
Back to top Go down
Howithurts
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2011-06-20

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Fri Aug 12, 2011 10:52 am

How do you copyright something like that?
Back to top Go down
Chris91
Knight of the Bleach
Knight of the Bleach
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-13
Age : 50
Location : Salem, Mass., USA

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Fri Aug 12, 2011 10:59 am

And more to the point, why would you want to?
Back to top Go down
Reepicheep-chan
Important Person
Important Person
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 32
Location : IN A SEXY NEW CONDO

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Fri Aug 12, 2011 12:35 pm

Also, how to you copyright something to somebody who has been dead for 104 years?
Back to top Go down
grmblfjx
Hot and Botherer
Hot and Botherer
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-10

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Fri Aug 12, 2011 2:04 pm

At what point does this fic even mention Twilight?


your mom wrote:
The Almighty Lord Kelvin wrote:

Have a nice, abuse-free day™. is a trademark of Lord Kelvin. Copyright Lord Kelvin 2004-2010. All rights reserved.
Wow.
Nice and catchy, ain't it?


Someone please go and review this guy. He needs it. I mean he obviously doesn't need to be told about the basics, he could probably be an ok writer if someone screwed his head on right.
Back to top Go down
Pierre Gringoire



Join date : 2009-07-24
Location : Home

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Fri Aug 12, 2011 2:31 pm

I'm going to jack that phrase, just to spite him. Have a nice, abuse-free day everyone!
Back to top Go down
grmblfjx
Hot and Botherer
Hot and Botherer
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-10

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Fri Aug 12, 2011 2:40 pm

Put it in your sig!
Back to top Go down
Kommandar



Join date : 2011-07-04

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Fri Aug 12, 2011 5:41 pm

Because nothing is a worthier cause for philosophizing than the rumbly in one's tumbly. I'd like to imagine that all this runs through Lord Kelvin's head whenever he's waiting for his food at a restaurant.
Back to top Go down
Miss Misery
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-10
Location : My home planet

PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   Thu Aug 18, 2011 1:02 pm

I am Lord Kelvin. I use words like "sentient" and "assimilated" and "ethereal" in my Twilight fanfics because I am such a pompous egomaniac . You may now bask in my all-encompassing awesomess, worm.
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Attack of the Pretentious Twific   

Back to top Go down
 
Attack of the Pretentious Twific
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Review on set 8019 Republic attack shuttle
» Blue Eyes White Dragon Attack !
» Icarus Attack VS Dark Illusion
» What is Sea Attack ?
» Max Attack 2 Tournament

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Why God, Why? :: The Sporking Table :: New Releases-
Jump to: