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 The OTHER Waterbender

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TheIan
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Join date : 2009-06-12
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PostSubject: The OTHER Waterbender   Tue Jul 19, 2011 11:46 am

All I have to say is [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] and a lot of Avatar fans would probably think Hamma or Pakku as the other Waterbender.

In this case, it's a Sue. She's doesn't even really hide it, either. But not just any ordinary Sue. She's the sister to Katara and Sokka.

Oh yeah, and she's a Text-wall-bender.

Quote :
My sister had dark skin and blue eyes; which were common among our people; and long brown hair that was tied into a braid down her back, and was a year younger than myself. My hair on the other hand was dark black and a single pink streak on each side of my face and that was most unusual; in any nation to be born with such a feature. My skin was paler than my sisters' and my eyes were green almost grey. They would change from time to time; which was not usual among the water tribe people. I knew I was unusual. It really didn't bother me, not then anyways. I liked the fact that I was different from other people in my tribe. Mother told me to be proud of who I was and I was. She also told me not to always let other know about how special I was and never tell them about the marks that covered my body. My lower back wash sprinkled in the strangest birthmarks. They were small dots that would sometimes shine like little star. At least that's what they reminded me of. Mother said that they were special freckles and that the Spirits had blessed me with them. I didn't quite understand what she was talking about back then. They were everywhere; on my back, my hip bones, the top of my feet, and shoulders. The ones on my feet, the inside of my arms, and the two beside my eyes were not always visible. They would fade and glow at times. All of them would glow though, when there was a full moon or when I was upset. I had no idea what that meant or if it meant anything at all. I was also told to keep my birthmarks a secret from outsiders as well as some of our tribes' people.
Right from the start, she gouges your eyes out with a wandering description. But let's look at what makes this Sue such a speshul little snowflake, shall we?

Quote :
Mother said that they were special freckles and that the Spirits had blessed me with them. I didn't quite understand what she was talking about back then. They were everywhere; on my back, my hip bones, the top of my feet, and shoulders. The ones on my feet, the inside of my arms, and the two beside my eyes were not always visible. They would fade and glow at times. All of them would glow though, when there was a full moon or when I was upset. I had no idea what that meant or if it meant anything at all. I was also told to keep my birthmarks a secret from outsiders as well as some of our tribes' people.
Freckles that glow in the moonlight or when she's upset. I love it how the Sue just slaps us around with all these useless details.

Quote :
One morning father and my brother had woken, at sunrise to load to boat, and go fishing. And mother had stayed inside to tidy things up and start making dinner. So she sent my sister and me out to play. That day we had gather up some of the other children in our tribe and brought them along with us to play. I remember we had hid in the snow and played freeze tag.
Freeze tag! Get it, because they live in the south pole?? AH HAH HA HA OH SUE YOU'RE SO WITTY. Kill me now, please... pale

And while they're playing, the Sue bends up yet ANOTHER TEXT WALL.

Quote :
My friend Nichalias (Nick-ah-l-i-us) had come along with us that day because his father had taken is younger brother Dastan to one of the frozen ponds to teach him to ice fish. Nichalias was my best friend. He was 10 and I was 9 and we were almost as inseparable as my sister and I were. We would always get in and out of so much trouble together. He had looked like any other water tribe boy but he wasn't, not really. One day my brother had fallen in the icy cold water and I couldn't get him out. I thought that he would freeze to death and drown. But Nich had shown up and lifted him out of the water. I had no idea how he did it, at first, but then I figured it out. Nich was an air bender. I couldn't believe it. I thought like the rest of the world, that air benders no longer existed. But here he was air bending. That night when I asked my mother about Nich she explained to me how Nich came to be with us. He parents were decedents of the air nomads, that the fire nation thought they had wiped out. His grandparents had managed to escape the raids and moved into a small Earth Kingdom town. They kept their bending a secret and lived there with their children. Only one other person knew about whom they really were, a woman from the earth kingdom town. She kept their secret and often led fire nation soldiers astray when they came asking about any surviving air benders. They kept the secret hidden well for a long time, up to his grandparents passing. But somehow the fire nation soldiers heard of these surviving air benders and killed Nich's parents. He was only an infant at the time and was staying with the Earth kingdom woman that day. She heard a commotion coming from the air benders home and saw the fire nation soldiers. She knew Nich's parents had been killed and got on the next boat out of the Earth Kingdom. She was a good friend of his parents and made a promise to herself to hide the child and make sure he was kept safe. She made her way south and eventually came to the Southern Water Tribe. There she found a young water tribe couple and explained to them who she was, who the child was, and what had happened. They were amazed and she asked them to take the child in as their own. They promised to the woman to keep the child safe and love him as their own. They took Nich in under their roof and everyone in the water tribe acknowledged him as the son of the young couple. They dressed him in water tribe clothing and he looked just like any other water tribe child would. No outsider would ever know the difference.
Oh god MY EYES THEY BLEED!

But from that text wall, I can glean this about Nicheliniannious....
Quote :
Nich was an air bender.
Uh, wait a second, weren't the Airbender but AANG wiped out of existence?

Quote :
He parents were decedents of the air nomads, that the fire nation thought they had wiped out. His grandparents had managed to escape the raids and moved into a small Earth Kingdom town. They kept their bending a secret and lived there with their children. Only one other person knew about whom they really were, a woman from the earth kingdom town. She kept their secret and often led fire nation soldiers astray when they came asking about any surviving air benders. They kept the secret hidden well for a long time, up to his grandparents passing. But somehow the fire nation soldiers heard of these surviving air benders and killed Nich's parents. He was only an infant at the time and was staying with the Earth kingdom woman that day. She heard a commotion coming from the air benders home and saw the fire nation soldiers. She knew Nich's parents had been killed and got on the next boat out of the Earth Kingdom.

The problem with this Suethor is they don't seem to understand the basis of show don't tell.

So the Sue is sworn to secrecy of Nich's totally irrelevant backstory/info-dump and--TEXT-WALL!

Quote :
But that day while we were out playing, for some reason I was anxious to get home. Nich was going to walk my back to the village but I assured him that I would make it back just fine. He of course said that said that I was stubborn and not to come crying to him if I got eaten by a polar-bear. But I knew that he was only kidding, and plus everyone knew that there was no such thing as a polar bear. So I made my way home crunching through the thick snow. I was almost home when I noticed what I thought was black snow fall from the sky. I scooped up some of the stuff that had fallen to the ground and rubbed it in my hands. It stained my glove-clad hands. It was ash; like what came from our fire pit. I began to worry more. I had never seen or heard of ash falling from the sky. I ran the rest of the way to my village but stopped when I saw a huge, metal ships docked at our port. There were fire nation soldiers everywhere. I ran and hid behind a large bank of snow. I rounded the back of our village and found our hut. I saw a man in a fire nation uniform enter our tent. Mom was in there! I ran to our hut, making sure no one saw me. My mother faced me from the other side of the room and I stared into the back of the soldier. I saw my mom's eyes flash with fear and I hid myself, before the man noticed my presence. I watched and listened to the two of them. The man questioned her about there being water benders in our tribe. She told him there were none. He frowned and then struck her on the cheek. I covered my mouth to suppress the gasp that came from my lips. She stood her ground against him and he told her he knew there were benders here. She said nothing.
Could the author make this story anymore boring?! Because I pretty much lost interest halfway through the first text-wall!

I feel like a fat-guy trying to stuff four triple Whoppers down my neck at once reading this. There is no coherence, ONLY ZUUL! just the author trying make your eyes bleed from long usually pointless urple-prose.

Skipping the NEXT Text-wall, we get some actually dialogue. 7/9 through the first chapter and we finally get a conversation.
Quote :
He turned loose his grip on my mother and came after me. My mother stumbled back and shouted. "She is not the one you want… I am. I am a Water bender. I am the only water bender in this village." The soldier turned on his heel and stared at my mom. Then he spoke. "What about the other?"

"There are no other benders here."

"Well you see, in my reports, I was informed that there ARE two Water Benders in this village."
Uhm, how many have you really counted, Suethor? Let's see, Kya, Katara, the Sue, and GranGran, are all Waterbenders of the South Pole Water Tribe, right? So that's more than two.
Probably should watch the show more for proper research before writing this, Suethor.

Quote :
"There was… but the other died years ago." What was she doing? Why was she lying? He was silent for a minute. I watched him. I got up and tried to inch my way to my mother. That's when he grabbed me.
"Bad touch! Bad touch! I need an adult!"
"I AM AN ADULT!"

Quote :
He held me by the hood of my parka and pulled me to him. I struggled again him and tried to wiggle myself free.
Oh, phew. For a moment there, I thought this was going into a rape-scene. Not what I needed to add to the tedium of this abomination.

Quote :
"Don't play dumb. These glowing marks on your face, what are they?"

"Thh-they are jus-just birthmarks." He glared and waited for a better answer. "The sp-spirits gave th-them to me. Let me go and I fell to the floor. He looked as if he were contemplating something with himself and turned back to me. He grabbed me by the arm and jerked me up off the ground. He pulled me out of the hut and was making his way to the dock. I fought against his grip and looked around. The Fire Nation soldiers held back the few who tried to come to my aid; Nichalias one of them. I pulled harder to get my wrist free of the hot hand that held it. I stopped walking and the man simply lifted me into on arm and carried me onto one of the ships. I lashed out at him and he did nothing. The soldiers left their posts and loaded onto the ships. The last thing I saw before the door of the ship closed, was Nich running toward us, and then the door closed.
Run-on sentences run on and on and on. And any energy I had at the start of this story is just gone.

This story sucks! There are 16 chapters, all of which have fewer text-walls but is still boring as all get-out! There is nothing redeeming about this story and I wash my hands of it.
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Reepicheep-chan
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PostSubject: Re: The OTHER Waterbender   Tue Jul 19, 2011 7:24 pm

Quote :
He of course said that said that I was stubborn and not to come crying to him if I got eaten by a polar-bear.
A polar-bear? Are you sure you don't mean a platypus-bear?
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Happenstance
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PostSubject: Re: The OTHER Waterbender   Tue Jul 19, 2011 9:51 pm

ZUUL, MUTHAFUCKA, ZUUL!

Sorry, I had to. I don't know much about the show, but gawd I hate text-wall Sues. Have these people just never heard of paragraphs? And magical birthmarks? Seriously? Is that...a...thing in this fandom? O.o
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Howithurts
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PostSubject: Re: The OTHER Waterbender   Tue Jul 19, 2011 10:28 pm

Someone needs to learn what the enter key is.
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Dixie
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PostSubject: Re: The OTHER Waterbender   Wed Jul 20, 2011 4:17 am

When I was a young and callow child who sniggered at such things, "bender" was a slang term for a male homosexual. That small memory gives this story a desperately-needed element of humour. Tee hee...
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The OTHER Waterbender
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