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 Send in the Doctors!

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MadamSnowWulf

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Join date : 2011-07-06

PostSubject: Send in the Doctors!   Wed Jul 13, 2011 1:05 pm

Anyone remember this from GAFF? It's a "Final Fantasy VII" fic entitled "Send in the Doctors!", and is actually four fics previously published as one-shots combined into one.

First, chapter one, which is entitled "A Countdown to Despair":

Quote :
Cloud, Tifa and Barrett were on their way to Mideel. They had to travel through the thick forest area first and now Barrett had started to complain.

"Why we goin' to Mideel anyways?"

"Ugh! For the last time, Barrett!" Cloud yelled. "Aeris is over at the town clinic recovering from Mako poisoning, remember? And so we have to go visit here once in a while."

"But... why couldn't she just go to Midgar General Hospital?"

"D'uh! It's easier this way!" Cloud sighed.

"Yeah, plus this place is *so* hot!" Tifa added.

Actually, the only explanation is simply authorial intent.

Quote :
"Yeah, but... didn't this place get destroyed by the Lifestream?" Barrett asked again.

I was just about to ask that myself, Barrett. It was rebuilt, apparently. Anyway, our heroes arrive at the hospital in "New Mideel":

Quote :
"We are here to see our good friend Aeris," Tifa told them.

"Aeris? Ah, yes! Her! Um, there's a slight problem with that..."

"Slight problem?" Cloud wondered. "Nothing serious I hope."

"No, not at all. It's just that she's been very off edge these last few days, and I think you should tread carefully when talking to her. Go on through..."

How bad is it? Well...

Quote :
Cloud, Tifa and Barrett wandered into Aeris's room. The ancient was rocking back and forth in a wheelchair.

"Hi Aeris. How ya doin'?" Barrett questioned.

"BLERGH! AERIS!" she gurgled.

"Huh? Um, the doctor been taking care of you?" Cloud wondered.

"HMMM... AERIS! BLERGH! AERIS!" she jolted.

"Excuse me, doctor. But should she really be making those strange, weird noises?" Tifa asked.

"Oh, that is perfectly natural. Y'see, Mako energy is a funny thing!"

"Say hello to your friends, Aeris!" the nurse smirked.

"BLERGH! BLERGH! AERIS!" Aeris added.

Apparently she can only speak as if she were a demented Pokemon with no volume control. The doctor tells Cloud, Tifa and Barrett that Aeris would like to go outside for a while, so they take her and:

Quote :
Suddenly, a large bug flew onto Cloud's neck. He squirmed and tried to brush it off, but it bit him and he let go of Aeris's wheelchair in shock. The ancient shot off down the rather steep hill.

"Shit!" Barrett yelled. "Aeris!"

"After her!" Cloud shouted, while he rubbed his sore neck.

The party gave chase down the hill, but they were too slow to catch her. Aeris headed straight towards the forest.

"Cloud! If we don't stop that chair, then Aeris'll be a permanent fixture on those trees!" Tifa gasped.

Aeris continued to fly by at an incredible speed. Cloud and the others were too late. They closed their eyes in fear of what would happen next. Amazingly, the chair stopped just in front of a huge tree trunk.

But this is quickly followed by:

Quote :
Just then, a HeadHunter creature emerged from the forest. It leapt upon Aeris and tore off her head. The party stared in awe.

"Oh my God! They killed Aeris!" Tifa screamed.

"You beasts!" Cloud yelled.

"Man, all that runnin' for nothin'!" Barrett complained. "Well, if anyone needs me, I'll be in the can!"

There's gonna be one of these in all four chapters, just to warn. This chapter truly is a countdown to despair- the readers'.

Chapter two, "A Countdown to Indigestion", is a "Fantastic Voyage" ripoff with Aeris/Aerith in the Jean Del Val role, but instead of a cerebral blood clot, Cloud, Barrett, Tifa and Cid are going after a zinc battery she swallowed (and only swallowed because of a stupid bet with Yuffie). They don't make it out of her in time, resulting in a messy death and this chapter's token "old school 'South Park' Kenny" moment, complete with a stupid off-hand comment by Barrett as in the previous chapter. You know what, now I have indegestion!

On to chapter three, "A Countdown to Pain", IMO the worst of the lot. We start with Cloud an Tifa at Seventh Heaven:

Quote :
Aeris stood before them. She had gained a lot of weight, and was as big as a house (not literally).

"Is something wrong, you two?" Aeris asked.

"How much did *you* have to eat last night? You been on the munchies again?" Tifa giggled.

"Huh?" Aeris looked down at her stomach. "Ergh!"

The ancient fainted onto the floor.

"Oh my God! They killed..."

"No, not yet, Cloud," Tifa belowed. "She's still breathing. She's just fainted. Here, give me a hand."

Cloud and Tifa pulled Aeris up onto a table, and crowded round.

"Geez! I've only seen one person who's as fat as this! She must've ate like an 'S' class Chocobo!"

"No... it's not that, Cloud," Tifa said, as she pressed her ear against Aeris's belly. "She-She's pregnant!"

And that's only the half of it:

Quote :
Later that day, the whole party had gathered at Seventh Heaven to witness this small miracle.

"But-But how?" Barrett yelled.

"Sigh!" Tifa grumbled. "I knew we'd have to explain this to you someday, Barrett. Y'see, when a man and a woman have se-"

"Yeah! I know all that! I'm not stupid!" Barrett retorted. "What I mean is: when did all this happen? She was fine yesterday! Not fat or anythin'! These things don't jus' crop up over night!"

"Barrett's right," Cloud agreed. "Aeris, can you explain?"

"Um... I don't know either, Cloud! This is all a mystery to me aswell!"

Isn't "as well" two words? And did the author mean for Tifa to actually say the word "sigh" or just have her sigh? Anyway, Tifa calls a doctor, but:

Quote :
"Is Dr. Imahidiot coming?" Cloud questioned.

"No, he's out on call. But they're sending over someone else. Hold on, Aeris."

"Hold on? Seriously, my water just broke!" the ancient gasped.

"Ergh!" the group squirmed, as they all moved away from her.

The "someone else" turns out to be Hojo. And here's why, despite the author's alleged PG-13 rating, I say this may not be work-safe:

Quote :
Hojo moved closer to Aeris. He inspected her, um, y'know, and gave a sad look.

"Is everything alright, Professor?" Vincent asked.

"No. This is no ordinary pregnancy."

"Yeah, like we figured that one out ten minutes ago!" Yuffie mumbled.

"I have to move fast!" Hojo thought. "I've decided! I'm going in!"

"What?" the party exclaimed.

"Relax, I've done this many times during my career." Hojo plugged his nose and pulled his top half up into Aeris's dress.

See what I mean?

Quote :
"Okay! Pant Aeris! Whoof whoof whoof! Deep, slow breaths!" Tifa bloated.

"Whoof whoof whoof!" Aeris panted. "Whoof whoof whoof!"

"Who let the dogs out..." Yuffie sang quietly.

Why "whoof whoof whoof" except to make that lame joke?

Quote :
"Success!" Hojo yelled, as he pulled himself out of Aeris.

"Hurray!" Cloud cheered. "But, uh, Professor? Where is the baby?"

"Oh, um, the child refuses to come out. In fact, he's stuck."

"Stuck? Then why success?" Cloud wailed.

"Success... because I got out of there just in time. This is no ordinary child. It is some sort of demon, which has been implanted into this young woman during a period of which she was not aware. And he is very, very pissed off. He also stole my ten inch needle."



And of course, said demon baby uses said ten inch needle to deliver itself via c-section. Cue the "Kenny" thing, albeit with no stupid off-hand comment from Barrett this time.

Quote :
"Quick Professor! Do something!" Yuffie belowed. "Professor?"

"Bye-bye losers!" Hojo laughed, as he ran off outside.

"That bastard!" Cid growled. "Uh, nice baby... nice baby!"

The demon leapt upon Cid and lifted the needle above his head. It prepared to inject Cid, which would kill him instantly.

"Cloud! Barrett! Tifa! Yuffie! Cait Sith! Red XIII! And the other guy! Help me!"

The other guy's name is Vincent, Cid. Not that it matters; Cloud ultimately saves the day by slicing the demon in half. Cue lame Scooby Doo ending.

Does your head hurt? Now you know why it was called "A Countdown to Pain".

Now the (thankfully) final chapter, "A Countdown to Hoping the Author Has Had a Vasectomy". AVALANCHE is hanging out at the Gold Saucer where Cait Sith gives Cloud and Tifa a vision of the future. They have six kids and Cloud's horny, so Tifa forces him to get a vasectomy. He does- in fact, he give himself one (another reason for the "probably NWS" warning). Cait Sith then tells them that may not be an accurate depiction of their future, but they are destined to be together forever. Cloud and Tifa walk off, and, yes, we still get the "Kenny" scene, albeit slightly different (and not just the fact that the author now uses the "th" spelling of her name) and very random here:

Quote :
Aerith poked her head out from behind a thick pillar.

"I'm... so... mad... right... now!" she moaned.

She hit the stone pillar with her fist in anger. The vibration caused a piece of the pillar to come crashing down on her head. She was killed instantly.

"Geez!" Cait Sith belowed, as he turned round to face the crushed ancient. "I've told Dio about a million times to knock down that stony old pillar!"

Oh yes, and these lines from throughout the fic merit attention:

Quote :
"Ah, good afternoon," the doctor chirped.

Quote :
"HMMM... AERIS! BLERGH! AERIS!" she jolted.

Quote :
"Good idea, doc!" Barrett bloated.

Quote :
"Okay! Pant Aeris! Whoof whoof whoof! Deep, slow breaths!" Tifa bloated.

Quote :
"Hmmm, I suppose that is good news," Tifa gurgled.

I guess the author didn't want to keep writing "said", but really, "chirped"? "Gurgled"? "Jolted"? "Bloated"?

Oh, and on the off chance you really want to see the chapters as the individual one-shots they were, all four still exist in that form, too (no, it doesn't make them any easier to take):

  1. A Countdown To Indigestion
  2. A Countdown To Despair
  3. A Countdown To Pain
  4. A Countdown To Vasectomy


If it's any consolation, the author hasn't been active since 2004.
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Howithurts
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PostSubject: Re: Send in the Doctors!   Wed Jul 13, 2011 1:22 pm

What does "bloating" sound like?
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Firewolf



Join date : 2011-07-03

PostSubject: Re: Send in the Doctors!   Wed Jul 13, 2011 1:43 pm

The author managed to insult both Final Fantasy and South Park.
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I.V. VonBischoffs



Join date : 2011-06-08

PostSubject: Re: Send in the Doctors!   Fri Jul 15, 2011 1:14 pm

Oh yes, I remember this one.

MadamSnowWulf wrote:
Now the (thankfully) final chapter, "A Countdown to Wishing the Author's Father Had Gotten a Vasectomy"

Fixed it for you.

MadamSnowWulf wrote:
Oh, and on the off chance you really want to see the chapters as the individual one-shots they were, all four still exist in that form, too (no, it doesn't make them any easier to take)

True, all seeing the chapters as one-shots does is give more ass-kissing reviews (with very few exceptions, like one someone known as "The Awful Truth" left for the "Pain" one) and two of them ("Pain" and "Despair") having this in their headers:

Quote :
A SPECIAL SERIES FOR FEBRUARY! A SPECIAL SERIES FOR FEBRUARY!

I don't know why the author felt the need to republish four bad one-shots into a single, multi-chapter fic anyway.

Only very superficially related, but I also remember another bad, video-game based fanfic involving doctors (and involved an out-of-nowhere pregnancy with the mother already suddenly in labor): "Dr. Mario Saves the Universe". For better or worse, its listing on the The Gaffapedia is the only proof that one ever existed; it is otherwise lost forever.
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Chris91
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PostSubject: Re: Send in the Doctors!   Fri Aug 05, 2011 10:10 am

MadamSnowWulf wrote:
Anyone remember this from GAFF? It's a "Final Fantasy VII" fic entitled "Send in the Doctors!", and is actually four fics previously published as one-shots combined into one.

There's a good reason why these are called "one-shot" fics....after reading them, you find yourself wishing somebody would get a gun and fire one shot right between the author's eyes. Twisted Evil
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Sheba
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PostSubject: Re: Send in the Doctors!   Mon Aug 08, 2011 12:32 pm

"AERIS, I CHOOSE YOU!!!!"

"BLEURGH, AERIS-AERIS!"


*Aeris used Great Gospel*


*It's super-effective!*
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Penguin
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PostSubject: Re: Send in the Doctors!   Mon Aug 08, 2011 1:33 pm

"BLEURGH" is more of a Yuffie line.
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Sheba
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PostSubject: Re: Send in the Doctors!   Mon Aug 08, 2011 8:13 pm

Only if they're on an airship.
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Penguin
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PostSubject: Re: Send in the Doctors!   Tue Aug 09, 2011 1:07 am

Sheba wrote:
Only if they're on an airship.

Or an airplane.

Or a ship.

Or anything that moves.
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thblckmvn2064

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PostSubject: Re: Send in the Doctors!   Fri Aug 12, 2011 12:25 pm

Yes, send in the doctors- ones to treat us and the ones who work in the sanitarium the author obviously inhabits.

Though I do have something to add:

Quote :
"Man, I'm hungry! What's for dinner?" Barrett wondered.

See, this is the "stupid off-hand comment by Barrett" in chapter 2. The "Fantastic Voyage" chapter where the "heroes" don't make it out of Aerith/Aeris in time and... yeah, food would be the furthest thing from my mind in that situation I'll just put it that way.
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The Scientist
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PostSubject: Re: Send in the Doctors!   Tue Aug 16, 2011 8:00 am

Firewolf wrote:
The author managed to insult both Final Fantasy and South Park.

And we don't take kindly to people who insult South Park.
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