Strength of Heart. Because Shepard can't save the galaxy with out her cuttle bone.

I have to preface this by saying that Eclipse of the Heart had tainted my experience with Mass Effect so much that I could not play the game looking at Nihilus or Garrus without thinking about the beating their personalities had received.

But this! I don't know if I will ever he able to play the third installment of the game coming out this year without crying inside at memories of Councilor Anderson and Garrus being soundly and publicly flogged to shreds.

*sob*

Strength of Heart by Siha Krios

Lemmie get drunk first.

Spoiler:

Quote :

The morning had gone well. The fist jump of the day was uneventful, but no less exciting. As the day wore on toward noon, Joker made one of many more jumps with Navigator Pressly for company. It took the thrill out of his customary fantasy which he usually saved for when Commander Shepard was on deck for the jump.

Goddamn it author! Stop fisting the Normandy! Where is his banter? Joker has some awesome lines during the course of ME2 and if you stay in the cockpit long enough he will start a one man jazz band.

Quote :

The Council continued to disbelieve that the threat of the Reapers was real, even though pieces of Sovereign still littered the Citadel. The debris that wasn't stolen had been salvaged and was still being analyzed. It was possible, however unlikely given their history, that the results would provide sufficient evidence to prove that Sovereign had indeed been a Reaper. At the very least it would prove to not be geth and therefore leave the possibility open.

Need I state once again that this would be a non-issue if Nihilus were the one bringing this information to the Council? No? Ok. I'll go back to drinking.

Quote :

But these issues were not currently on the minds of the first Spectre Dyad Annex.

Buh...whu? Are the Dryads forming a union? And why are they doing it here? Shouldn't they have stayed in Narnia?

Quote :

The Council had seen fit to create the SDA, aka S-Dyannex, after the valiant efforts of Spectres Nihlus Kryik and Sonya Shepard saved the Citadel from total distruction. They were the only pair of Spectres ever assigned to work as an official team, though they did occasionally take on their own side missions.

I thought nicknames were supposed to be shorter than than the actual name. So basically... this is a political marriage. Let's see how long it takes this fanbrat to forget the SDA even exists. What ever the fuck it's supposed to be.

Quote :

At that moment, however, the SDA was more interested in investigating itself.

Sorta brings a whole new meaning to Internal Affairs, huh? And we start this thing with a sex scene. While they should be monitoring the results of the scans while on assignment to investigate the disappearance of three ships in an area known to be rife with Geth... they find it more productive to fuck. At Noon.

Shepard is officially a Stepford Wife.

Ugh... anyway. They feel the ship shudder, get dressed and then Nihilus head-butts Shepard for good measure before they go to see what the hell they just hit.

Quote :

"Brace for evasive maneuvers." Joker's voice came over the com shortly before the ship swerved to starboard, then port again, threatening to throw the crew to the wall each time she veered in one direction then the other. The Normandy lurched again, only this time it felt more like weapons impact. She had to get up there, now!

Who needed to get up where? It reads like the Normandy needed to get up to it's own cockpit. I can has Pronouns?

Quote :

She pulled up on the table in the mess. She had been thrown across the room.

Who?!?

Quote :

Nihlus grabbed her arm and forced her to face him.

Who is she talking about? This whole paragraph and I don't know who is being tossed around with Nihilus! I am confused.

Quote :

Shepard's eyes met his. He wasn't going to negotiate on this. She nodded. They didn't need a plan. She knew exactly what he would do. She only needed to fill in the gaps. Their foreheads touched before they went their own ways, briefly, as if it were a reflex.

So, like two magnets with the same pole facing each other, they fire themselves off in opposite directions. Glad we got all that out of the way without commas or compound sentences mucking things up.

Quote :

People started running to the evac shuttles. Shepard ran to the rear console to punch in the evac codes. Something behind her exploded and someone screamed. A male. People were dieing, she had to moved faster. She was finishing the prep for the distress beacon when Garrus ran up behind her.

I need more alcohol. It's almost like she's trying to write this as a series of Haiku but can't be bothered to find words that rhyme. Anyway, que the opening sequence with Garrus running up as Shepard is supposed to be putting on her badass while launching the distress beacon. Garrus informs her that Joker is still in the cockpit and refuses to leave.

Quote :

"Get the hell outta here, Vakarian!" She pointed toward the exit. "If you and Kryik aren't in an evac pod when the Normandy blows, I will find your remains and piss on them! GO!"

Woah... for a moment Fake!Shepard turned into Fem!Shepard. But like always, once one of her characters shows signs of reverting to canon, they are immediately castrated and lobotomized.

Anyway. Shepard makes her way to the Command Deck to find that it looks like "a gigantic, space-dwelling shark had taken a bite out of the ship."

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That would actually be awesome and a much better story than 'Weepy Uke Gets Spaced'.

Shepard goes to get Joker's dumb, sentimental ass out of the cock pit and into an escape pod while taking the smart-ass, Renegade options during dialog. It might be funny if not for all the fail.

Quote :

Shepard ran to the barrier to look out side. Something exploded sending sparks flying and setting new fires. She ran back to Joker with an almost panicked sense of urgency.

'Something' exploded? Care to tell us what? And please tell me how something BURNS IN A VACUUM!!

*Ahem* Then the attacking ship comes around for another shot.

Quote :

Primal instinct was screaming at her higher processes.

So are mine. They're telling me to get the hell away from this fic.

Quote :

"The auto release has been damaged." Nihlus shouted at her. "Some one has to stay behind... Get in the pod!"

"We're both getting in or neither of us is." Sonya shouted back at him, trying to make her way across the quaking floor to him. Nihlus caught her under one arm as another violent shudder ran through the ship.

"Commander," Joker shouted to her. She heard his desperate cry though the com in her helmet.

"Sonya," Nihlus shouted, "I'll throw you in myself, if I have to!"

"I'm not going without you!" She screamed, tears streamed down her face behind the helmet shield. "Set it to timed release, we can make it!"

"It will only stay open for a few seconds, and that's if it isn't damaged! We don't have time to argue this!" He shouted back.

"You're right, we don't!" She said.

Shepard hit the timed release and slapped the button to the escape pod's controls. She grabbed Kryik's arm as they ran for the pod a few steps away.

Bolding mine. Why are they in such a hurry when the escape pod is only 'a few steps away?'

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Oh, yea... IT AIN'T A 'FEW STEPS AWAY'!!! And there's no Gravity, and nothing to hold on to while the ship is sliced in half like a hot knife through butter.

Quote :

The evac pod's hatch snapped shut. Seconds latter the small craft was jettisoned into yellow beam sliced through the ship, causing more explosions. Pieces of the hull and other debris glanced off each other. Nihlus searched frantically for Sonya as he floated away from the carcass of the Normandy. A flash of light caught his attention as it glinted off her armor. She was floating slowly, helplessly, out into space.

Wait... *reads the last chapter* How the hell did we get from running toward the escape pod to floating among the remains of a destroyed Normandy? What happened between then and now?

Quote :

"Shepard! Shepard do you read me?"

"I read you! C.." She was cut off by the his sentence.

"Sonya, I can't get to you. Can you see me? I'm approximately..." The come went static, then came back. "..our right."

Can we please to be explaining how we got here instead of playing Marco Polo in space?

Quote :

It was Nihlus. It the blast that had knocked her from the Normandy just before the pod hatch sealed, she wasn't sure if he had made it. Now she knew. She turned her head slowly to find him. He waved his arm to make him easier to find.

Ow... That hurt me to read. Please stop masturbating with the keyboard and get a frigging beta! My remaining brain cells implore you.

Quote :

Shepard listened to her breathing inside her helmet, keeping her eyes on the armored and helmeted turian that floated a good dozen meters from her. She herd a strange hissing sound. It was the oxygen from the small reserve thank on her back feeding into her helmet, but it sounded... wrong. Shepard reached behind her in a panic, the tubes feeding the oxygen had been severed.

So, again, without taking Nihilus' survival into consideration, events unfold as though he were not there. Shepard suffocates in the vacuum of space, incinerated as her body enters Alchera's atmosphere and flash frozen again on it's surface. The only thing different is Nihilus declaring his love as she dies.

Never mind that Garrus was not on the Normandy when it was attacked in Canon. Depending on how you treated him in the first game, he would either have put his application in to become a Spectre against his father's wishes (Renegade), or gotten his job back at C-Sec (Paragon).

Did I also mention that Nihilus is supposed to be dead?

Quote :

Whispers of his relationship with the Commander had raised concerns before and after the creation of the SDA. His lack of an emotional response promptly hushed the rumors. The general consensus being that no one could have suffered such a loss and be so emotionally distant from the pain.

So... according to this author, one is not grieving correctly unless they are crying like Marianne in Sense and Sensibility? *Sigh* This, Miss Siha, is called Shock. 'Tis the first step in the grieving process. Everything in this fic is just bat-shit-crazy out of nowhere. It's almost like she licked a Drell and started typing.

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Yeeeaa...

Anyway... she summarizes the two years that Shepard is dead by making Joker into a pirate, giving Liara ADHD, succeeding in making on the dullest characters in Mass Effect even more boring, and Garrus into a drunk.

'Canon'? The story of Mass Effect up until now that had Commander Shepard as it's central protagonist? We have dismissed that claim.

And here's Mordin giving advice on surviving sex with different species while my blood stops boiling.

It's amazing how this author manages to reach new depths of wimpifying strong characters. You'd think it couldn't have gotten worse after the last one.

Quote :

"The auto release has been damaged." Nihlus shouted at her. "Some one has to stay behind... Get in the pod!"

"We're both getting in or neither of us is." Sonya shouted back at him, trying to make her way across the quaking floor to him. Nihlus caught her under one arm as another violent shudder ran through the ship.

"Commander," Joker shouted to her. She heard his desperate cry though the com in her helmet.

"Sonya," Nihlus shouted, "I'll throw you in myself, if I have to!"

"I'm not going without you!" She screamed, tears streamed down her face behind the helmet shield. "Set it to timed release, we can make it!"

"It will only stay open for a few seconds, and that's if it isn't damaged! We don't have time to argue this!" He shouted back.

"You're right, we don't!" She said.

Shepard hit the timed release and slapped the button to the escape pod's controls. She grabbed Kryik's arm as they ran for the pod a few steps away.

Jesus christ, this dialog. This is tantamount to a soap opera.

Maybe we should just think of it as in-universe fanfiction. Surely there are still fanbrats in 2183, romanticizing terrible tragedies to bring out the hidden romance and sex appeal no one else is smart enough to see.

Who am I kidding, in-universe fanfiction is probably Male Shepard boning Kaidan with medi-gel for lube.

Quote :

And here's Mordin giving advice on surviving sex with different species while my blood stops boiling.

You know, the biggest joy in writing Shepard/Joker was getting to re-tool that dialog for it...

Alhazred wrote:

Quote :

And here's Mordin giving advice on surviving sex with different species while my blood stops boiling.

You know, the biggest joy in writing Shepard/Joker was getting to re-tool that dialog for it...

Do you have a link? I need a balm for the burning hatred I feel for this fic.

Dionysus, lord of drunks;
grant that my mind be strong, my snark to be sharp and my fingers be swift.
And if the worst should come to pass...
Grant me unconsciousness.

Spoiler:

Two years after Shepard's death and we find Nihilus a cold and empty shell. Never mind that he was a relatively well adjusted Turian before he met Shepard. No, that would not make for drama. Noooo... the author has to have him do... well... this.

Quote :

His soul was gone and what was left was cold knowledge and training. His life operated on instinct. He ate, he slept, he killed if it was easier, or if he was having a bad when the day was done and evening's light left the sky he fell apart He frequented exotic bars and women, though he still shunned the consort, if for no other reason than it reminded him of her.

What is this I don't even. English has punctuation. Please use it.

Quote :

Two years later he began to hear rumors that Shepard was back, she was alive. But that was impossible. He'd watched her die. No one comes back from death, especially after two years.

Again with the half-assed haiku structure.

Quote :

His disbelief was solidified when the rumor was enhanced with talk of Shepard's employment with Cerberus. They had taken out too many of their bases, seen too many of the horrors they inflicted on alien and human alike.

Wait. When? When did all this happen? I think we missed an even better fic covering all of the sick shit Cerberus was doing with people it was kidnapping. Rear-Admiral Kohoku, Akuze, Pragia? Anyone?

None of that seems to matter as Nihilus just gets up and goes to find Shepard.

Quote :

A dull boom rocked Shepard in her sleep. Her ears popped and the sound of explosions assaulted her auditory senses.

What the hell is wrong with the word 'ears'?

Quote :

Something cold and hard was beneath her as if she lay on a dissection tray. Maybe she had been knocked unconscious and she lay in the hall of the Normandy. The smell of antiseptic assaulted her olfactory's, sparking disturbing fears.

Put the Thesaurus down and step away from the keyboard.

Quote :

Her head felt fuzzy, like she was dizzy.

You mean to tell me that she couldn't tell if she was dizzy or not?

Quote :

Her head swam with pain. She felt nauseous. She saw the horizon of a planet from space.

First of all, you should know better than to swim with Pain. And stop feeling up on Nausea. And where did we go again? I thought we were swimming and copping a feel on awkward word placements?

Quote :

The grass needed cut, as well. It was too her chin. How did she ever let it get so high? She heard a loud boom.

What the hell just happened? Grass needs cutting, too much chin, then boom? I need a drink.

Quote :

"Wake up, Commander." a female voice was trying to tear Shepard from sleep over the intercom.

Someone is misusing words again... Intercoms don't like it when things get torn from people over it.

Quote :

Shepard's eyes fluttered open. It was hard to focus. Everything was blurry and swimming.

Not this again.

Quote :

Shepard managed to get down off the human sized tray she was on.

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No... When you start invoking imagery like this... just stop.

Quote :

Shepard opened the locker and grabbed the pistol and light armor inside. She dressed as quickly as she dared, leaning heavily on the support of the locker. She wasn't sure when or what the last thing she ate was, but she felt sure she was going to find out soon. The com in the suit came to life with the same voice that had wakened her once it was securely in place. She examined the pistol and found it lacking.

Was it too much to write that it was unloaded? Even harder to search your beloved Thesaurus for Woken and Awakened?

Anyway... Shepard gets through the first part of the tutorial level of Mass Effect 2 while acting like a petulant child with a big mouth the whole way. Not even Renegade Shepard is this much of a whiny bitch.

Quote :

The last mech through the door exploded when something caused a near by container of something flammable began spewing fire from a broken valve.

This substance called 'Something' is surely dangerous. Why do we have it lying around where random ricochets can make it explode?

Quote :

Shepard found the 'elevator' was nothing more than a small lift platform with rails.

No, dumb-ass. That's the definition of an elevator. Shut up.

Quote :

More doors, more corridors. Shepard entered a small lab in hopes of finding some answers. Two mechs were crawling on the floor. They exploded before she had time to shoot them. Shepard accessed a lap top on the desk nearest the door. It brought up an image of a woman to the screen. She seemed familiar with her dark hair and white uniform. The voice was like that of the one who'd woke her. She was saying something about bio/synthetic fusion on a subject. That made her nervous. Maybe Saren was right about the future. The thought sent a chill through her. She wondered where the subject was and if it was worth it to save them. In her experience, most victims who got sucked into sick experiments ended up being something less than they were before. Whatever had happened to her, the things she couldn't remember, she did remember that.

Whu... What did I just read? Is this the Mass Effect where Dick and Jane save the universe? Do we see Spot run? Is she gonna get rescued in time for her nap?

Quote :

There was a burning star in the distance, maybe a white dwarf or a small sun. She tried to remember star maps to try and figure out where she was, but couldn't recall anything helpful.

How the hell would you be able to tell where you are by staring at a star? STOP LICKING THANE!!!

Quote :

Everyone seemed to know her name and it was getting really annoying.

You only saved the Citadel and the Council from certain destruction... Why the hell would you be a household name?

Quote :

Shepard couldn't help but notice his build. He was less a meter from her. He had a broad chest and shoulders, narrow hips and a rather large bulge at his crotch.

Ah... the Priiiiiiiiiiiiiize. Sorry. Inside Joke.

Quote :

"I'll tell you help me finish of these mechs and I'll play twenty questions with you all day." Jacob answered. It was his turn to start feeling annoyed.

No. It's my turn to be annoyed.

Quote :

"Ok. I promised I'd answer your questions. What do you wanna know?" He did't sound happy about playing 'Jeopardy' with her.

I'll take 'Annoying Renditions of Strong Characters' for 2000 Credits, Alex.

Anyway, Jacob tells Shepard that everyone survived the destruction of the Normandy, including her Cuttle Bone, Nihilus.

Quote :

Shepard felt her hear leap in her chest. They were alive!

Quote :

Taylor told her that Cerberus had brought her back. It made her already nauseous stomach twist into a was every bit the traitor Shepard knew him to be.

Oh, gawd... not this again! Your meds! Please to be taking them, kthxbi.

Quote :

The shuttle jumped into FTL. Shepard was impressed, but not surprised that they had a FTL capable shuttle.

It's quite standard, actually. Research Fail.

They ask Shepard questions to determine the origin again and to firmly reestablish if Shepard was a hero or a cunt. This author settled for pussy.

Quote :

The politely rude man was sending her on a mission to a place called Freedom's Progress to investigate the disappearance of human colonists, and not just a few.

Wut?
It then cuts to Nihilus as he wakes in a bed full of women. All naked. And then...

Quote :

He rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hands. He must have been to drunk to kick them out after the fun was over. He preferred to wake up alone. The human woman stirred in her sleep but didn't wake. He decided he should get his money's worth being that they were still there. He wasn't paying for conversation. He was simply renting the rights to use their bodies for his pleasure. They didn't need to be conscious to fulfill that contract.

Quote :

The deed was done quickly, and none too gentle. Promptly afterward he gave them time enough to dress then kicked them out while he was still fully extended.

What have you done to Nihilus?!? I feel dirty after reading that...

Anyway... The Illusive Man sends Shepard to Freedom's Progress, a human colony where everyone just disappeared. And all that dialog with Tali... the stuff that was so interesting... that really filled the gap for Shepard where Tali is concerned is just glossed over. Nothing to see here, folks. Move along.

Quote :

"Hey, Commander!"

A familiar male voice called to her from the stairs behind her. Her face lit up with a smile as she turned to see Joker, and he was standing at the foot of the stair.

"Just like old times, hu?" Joker grinned at her.

Shepard met the helmsman with open arms. She did her best not to squeeze too hard. Joker returned her embrace. It was good to see her alive again. He wasn't going to ask questions. Cerberus brought her back. That was enough.

"I can't believe it's you, Joker..." Shepard repeated the sentiment as they left the dark stairway.

"Look who's talkin. I saw you get spaced!" Joker answered.

"I got lucky, and there's a lot of strings attached." Shepard said, her brow knitted when she thought of just how much she felt like a marionette. "How'd you get here?"

"It all fell apart without you, Commander. Everything you stirred up, the Council just wanted it gone. The team was broken up, records sealed, and I was grounded. The Alliance took away the only thing that mattered to me. Hell yeah, I joined Cerberus."

"You really trust the Illusive Man?" Shepard asked, a bit surprised by Joker.

"I don't trust anyone who makes more than I do." Joker scoffed, "but they aren't all bad. Saved your life, let me fly." He looked to Shepard as he faced a darkened window overlooking the hangar bay. "Then there's this." He crossed his arms. "They only told me last night."

And then, just like that, Shepard has returned to her reasonably well adjusted self. This author make's Shepard's personality flip between this and total bat-shit that I get literary whiplash.

*Sigh* We are reintroduced to the Normandy.

Quote :

The lights in the hangar bay came on as if on que. The sight that filled Shepard's vision was surreal. There she was, a frigate that could have been the Normandy's twin sister. The designation beside the Cerberus insignia was SR2.

Aaand the author promptly forgets that the Normandy SR2 is half again as large as the Normandy SR1. Let's see if she remembers there's actually members of the crew you can interact with now.

Quote :

"Are you ready for this, Commander?" Joker teased. He knew she'd know what he meant. First jump of the day, first jump on the new ship, and the Commander was standing a meter behind his chair ready to blast off into to galaxy.

"I'm ready, Joker. Let's get it on." She teased back.

A smile lit up his face as the kinky thoughts resurfaced like a long lost friend. He hit the button to confirm their destination and the Normandy took flight. The vertigo remained unchanged, as it came and went, a familiar and welcome discomfort.

"Was it good for you?" Shepard beat Joker to the jest.

"Always!" Joker laughed back at her. Just like old times... almost.

Argh! Stop that! And just like that, Shepard is reduced to Fake!Shepard once again. I want my loud-mouthed, Kleptomaniac, Ninja in neon purple armor back!

Quote :

Two years later he began to hear rumors that Shepard was back, she was alive. But that was impossible. He'd watched her die. No one comes back from death, especially after two years.

You know, it took me a few minutes to figure out why this seemed more wrong than usual, and then it hit me: Nihlus hijacked so much of the first game's plot in the last fic that it makes no goddamn sense Cerberus would bother with Shepard now instead of spending significantly less to cozy on up to him. The Lazarus Project is causing as massive lensing effect for Shepard's pussyfication; the entire thing is an artifact that's only here because Mass Effect 2 says it should be here (and because Nihlus needs Shepard to bone.)

Quote :

Shepard opened the locker and grabbed the pistol and light armor inside. She dressed as quickly as she dared, leaning heavily on the support of the locker. She wasn't sure when or what the last thing she ate was, but she felt sure she was going to find out soon. The com in the suit came to life with the same voice that had wakened her once it was securely in place. She examined the pistol and found it lacking.

Quote :

She examined the pistol and found it lacking.

Why do I get the feeling that the author just doesn't understand the concept behind the thermal clip system?

Maybe this is actually hidden genius. This is happening because Shepard doesn't understand it either. It's a fix for the faux pas in canon where Shepard magically knows how thermal clips work despite being dead during that time.

Maybe my pants are on fire.

Quote :

The deed was done quickly, and none too gentle. Promptly afterward he gave them time enough to dress then kicked them out while he was still fully extended.

...

What.

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Ah yes, Nihlus is hung. We have dismissed that claim.

Quote :

Do you have a link? I need a balm for the burning hatred I feel for this fic.

Here, and it also ballooned into a series the rest of which can be found here, most of which is probably better than the original, what with the original being a blatant kink-meme fill.

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Shaddup liver!

All of that wonderful interaction. All of that dialog. Wasted.

When Commander Shepard boards the new Normandy, she is introduced to several new crew members. Most notable are Yeoman Kelly Chambers, Mess Sergeant Gardener, Dr. Chakwas, and the engineering duo of Donnelly and Daniels. Yes, he's Scottish, and he's an engineer. And just sitting there and listening to them banter is epic.

And none of it is in this fic. Not Donnelly complaining about being surrounded by women, not the crew poking fun at Gardener over the sucky food, Not even Dr. Chakwas' sad ruminations on the current state of the galaxy. *Sigh*

What we do get instead, is a Shepard that is so buried up her own ass that she can't function.

Quote :

The scars on her face weren't as bad as she thought they might have been, her eyes looked the same when the light didn't hit them just so to reveal the cybernetics hidden there. Her hair was still white blond if only a little longer when she took it our of the bun in which it had been fashioned. Even her bush was still as she remembered it. New scars, that would heal, indicated where she'd been sewn back together like a patchwork quilt. But the scars she knew, the ones she loved, were gone. It was if they'd taken the very memory of him from her. The cuts under her breasts, the lines down her rib cage, back and hips, the nicks in her shoulders, the bite marks, everything was gone. Even the little 'N' shape from his chest spur. It wasn't her skin. It couldn't be. She suddenly felt trapped as if she were in someone else's body that just looked like hers.

Sonya walked in a daze over to the shower and turned it on. The warm water hit her skin and warmed her, relaxing the muscles that were tense under it's rain. Steam filled the room and fogged the mirror, obscuring anything that might reflect in it. Slowly Sonya sunk to the floor and curled into the corner under the shower head. The warm water ran down her face, plastering her hair to a body that shuddered with the force of her tears as they joined the rivets that washed away the dirt and grim of battle.

The most important thing to her right now, is not the fact that tens of thousands of human colonists are disappearing without a trace. No. What is more important to this Shepard is the fact that she doesn't have her man to make her a whole person. Twilight is falling on the Mass Effect universe and crushing the life from it.

Once Shepard is done crying, the Normandy docks at Omega and they to go see... wait.

Quote :

Shepard waited for him to leave before taking her next step. She had no intention of reporting to anyone else. One leash was more than enough. As she made her way to the door EDI provided her with locations on the dossiers and advice on the situations en-route. Apparently, Mordin was in a quarantined zone.

"Sounds like fun. Let's go." Shepard mumbled.

First we have shameless Miranda bashing and now she avoids Aria entirely? Ugh! Aria is one of the most bad ass characters in the game and she avoids her entirely because she doesn't feel like taking orders from anyone? Since when does Aria ever order anyone around? She deals in information only. And has only one rule.

So, Shepard and company make a beeline toward the Quarantine Zone in the residential districts of Omega. That turian and human arguing at the entrance to the QZ? Cut.

Human Female: You're letting them in and not me? You son of a bitch!
Cheeky Turian Guard: You don't have a grenade launcher, lady.

That Batarian at the entrance dying of the plague? Why showcase that interaction in order to give those who have not played the game any idea WTF is going on and when this started?

Where's my kleptomaniac ninja barging into people's quarters and listening to the recordings as they fill in the plot? I want my plot back!

Anyway, they meet up with Mordin Solis, the Salarian doctor that tasked himself with curing the plague. He is so bad ass that he already has the cure ready to go by the time Shepard and her team get there, but can't tear himself away from his patients long enough to fight his way through the Mercs and Vorcha to put it into the air.

In the lamest rendition of Mordin's dialog I have ever read, Shepard's team is tasked with putting the cure into the air and turning the life support system back on.

Quote :

Vorcha and a few krogan tried to stop them from reaching their goal. It was a futile effort. They did indeed find Daniel on the way. He was being held captive by some angry batarians who thought he was there to spread the plague. Humans were generally blamed for the plague because, aside from vorcha who were thought to be do dumb to create the plague, humans were immune. Shepard tried to reason with them. She wasn't sure they were going to listen to her. She didn't want to shoot them, she would need her ammo for the vorcha. She'd wasted two to many as it was when she planted one in the head of the men she found looting the home of a turian who'd succumbed to the illness. To her relief the batarians let David go and left themselves without a fight. Shepard promptly sent David back to the clinic.

Kelly Chambers describes Mordin as a 'hamster on coffee', however, I believe that description is best used for the author of this fic. It's almost like she's afraid she will run out of time or space or coffee before she finishes writing the chapter.

Quote :

The vorcha's monologue was cut short by an inferno round to the head. He ended his statement with screams before his brain matter was consumed by fire. It didn't take long. Of course the other vorcha with him didn't take kindly to the persistence of the intruders. They retaliated with gunfire. The battle was short lived.

Should I tell her that there are Vorcha on the balconies with rocket launchers? Naa...

Quote :

They collected spare ammo, heat sinks, and upgraded weaponry on the way back to the clinic. Hopefully David made it back without running into anything hostile that was still alive.

Where's the zombie smiley? I have need of it.

After Mordin is recruited, they go after Archangel. But not before we get in some more Miranda bashing.

Quote :

"So, you see, Ms. Lawson, if we take a break 'Archangel' may suddenly become permanently unavailable for our mission. I'm sure a few minor repairs to my systems will be a small price to pay, should they be needed, for the life of a potential team member. But if you need to take a nap," Shepard crossed her arms and gestured casually in the air, "by all means let me know and we'll take a breather on board the Normandy while the turian gets the bloody piss beat out of him by mercs."

We already know of your burning jealousy hatred of Miranda's boobs ass attitude. We don't need to be reminded more than twice a chapter, thank you.

Quote :

A Blue Suns batarian glanced up at her as she came down the ramp into the dark sunken room. She was guessing he liked what he saw when he smiled a little and let his gaze shift over to Miranda. Yep, he was getting at least one eye full.

"Well, aren't you sweet?" The batarian said. Shepard felt unbelievably dirty for reasons she couldn't begin to describe. It was as if the merc was mentally removing her armor and having his way with her.

"You're in the wrong place, honey. Strippers quarters are that way." The batarian motioned dismissively with one hand. His main eyes returned to the console in front of him. He let his secondaries ogle the female strippers, until the one in armor pulled a gun.

"You show me yours, tough guy. I bet mine's bigger." Shepard mockingly admired her weapon.

Renegade Shepard pays a visit, punches a reporter and then goes to knee some random Krogan in the quad. It was good while it lasted.

Quote :

This 'Archangel' kept impressing her. How the turian and his team had managed to piss off every major merc gang on Omega was beyond her. After the mercs decided to work together, they took down his team and he was holding them off single handedly.

Shepard doesn't know any of this when she goes in to rescue his ass! All she knows is that some guy called Archangel pissed on the Hornets nest that is Omega and now has every mercenary gang on the station out for his blood. Which she would only know IF SHE HAD TALKED TO ARIA!!!

Quote :

"Archangel?" Shepard asked as she entered the room, weapon raised.

Nice to see the tension get as little regard as possible. Carry on.

Quote :

"Garrus!"

Shepard threw her arms out wide. She couldn't believe it. The nut who'd gathered such a force against him was her old team mate and friend. Maybe he could tell her something about Nihlus.

Bella Swan-Shepard reporting for duty. Ready and willing to be the galaxy's biggest douche bag. Let's see if she will cuddle up to him so that we can hear him talk about Nihilus!

Quote :

He was glad she was alive. It seemed an intervention of the fates that she had come for him, though his identity had been a mystery, even to his vigilante team. Perhaps she was sent to help him deliver justice to the one who had betrayed him. Then Garrus thought of someone he hand't thought of for nearly a year. Nihlus would come for her when he found out she was alive, though the Spectre had fallen far from what he had been two years ago. Sonya may find she no longer desired to be with him. It was a worrisome thought. The idea that her heart may end up broken, was not one he cared to entertain. He didn't like thinking of his Commander and his friend being weak or injured, but Nihlus was a weak spot in her. He just hoped that the weak spot was as strong as he hoped it was, for both their sakes.

The two former crew mates bond over the ensuing battle... wait...

Quote :

He had to mourn her in secret. He had to hide his suffering and go on as if she were only a colleague, at best. His loss was deeper. He had dishonored her in death. He'd become less than he was. He'd done things... he would not have even considered before. He was not proud of the turian he had become. If Sonya was out there, if she was alive, he had to find her. He could only hope that she remembered him, that she still loved him, and that she would forgive him. He could be the man he was, if it was for her.

'

Nope... sorry. Our OTP is more important. We need to find out all the ways that Nihilus has fucked himself and any hooker willing to work for minimum wage over.

After having a friendly talk with Aria, Nihilus begins his wild goose chase, using a shuttle he had picked up off of a couple of Batarians.

Quote :

They piratically gave him the shuttle for a few hundred credits.

Yea...

You know one of the biggest elements of writing that says not to bring something up unless it's going to play some role later in the story? Yea... neither does Siha.

Chapter 14: Woky

Yea... just go with it.

Quote :

The ruin of Tuchanka raced past the view ports of the shuttle, UT2-007 Woky.

Hello? It's me, the audience. Yea, I would like to know what the fuck is going on! Assume that I have never played the games and explain that Tuchanka is a planet and not some ruined city Nihilus just happens to be put-putting over.

There's lots of kinds of ruins. The Jungle kind, the Desert kind, the Mad Max kind, the kind that happen after you've binge drank all night long and got signed up for a gang bang contest.

Woky...

Quote :

"Nihlus," Wrex greeted the turian as he neared the steps to his throne. "What brings you to Tuchanka?"

"Shepard is alive. She's putting a team together. Has she passed through here?" Kryik said, very to the point.

Too subtle! Seriously! Where is all the tension? It was the turians that unleashed the genophage that made most females infertile and the embryos' nervous systems not develop! And Krogan's lay upwards of 1000 eggs in a single clutch. Imagine the rage of an entire race having to bury 1000 babies at a time!

Quote :

"Hummm... Shepard's resurrection is not a sign of gentle change. I hear little of the galaxy beyond krogan space. My attentions have been occupied with our own issues, but I would know if Shepard had come to Tuchanka. She has not."

"Thank you for your time." Kryik offered a half bow and turned to leave.

Nice to know that whole chapter was pointless! Thanks for making me slog through that, author!

Meanwhile...

Quote :

Shepard paced in the com room waiting for an update on Garrus' condition.

In case anyone didn't play the game, Garrus ate a missile. It didn't agree with him.

Quote :

In the privacy of it's walls she walked around the console table with her hands clasped behind her back. As much as she was worried about Garrus, she thought about Nihlus.

What a bitch! Garrus is near death, half his face blown off and could be dead for all she knows and all she can think about is her Cuttle Bone dildo! Garrus is one of the most interesting and tragic characters in the game and she replaces him with someone that should be DEAD!

No! I will never let that go!

Anyway, Shepard suddenly gets her personality back with Garrus, continuing the story line as though Nihilus was never there. What originality!

Shit... her head would probably explode if she had an original thought.

Quote :

Sonya rubbed her forehead and tried to sleep. Her chest felt like it had when the universe was sucking the air from her body. Her heart hurt. It wasn't just an ache or a heaviness. It was damn near unbearable physical pain. She knew it was in her head, her emotional state, but that didn't help the agony subside. She buried her face in her pillow to stifle the sounds of her weeping. Her body shuddered with the weight of her loneliness and a thousand other thoughts and emotions that threatened to cripple her.

There's showing that your character is human. It's something else, all together to make them into a whiny, spineless, do-nothing with the emotional coping skills of nitroglycerin in a paint shaker.

Quote :

He slammed his fist into the dash of the shuttle out of frustration. His fingers were curled so tightly his talons dug into his flesh. His whole body shuddered with rage. His anger was with himself. Why was he even trying? He wasn't worthy of her, or anyone, anymore... if he ever had been. He'd thrown himself into the gutter to burry his grief, but it hadn't worked. It only made it worse. What kind of man was he now? What kind of mate was he? She deserved better.

Speaking of people with no coping skills. Again, anyone who just keeps going on living when shit happens is feeling nothing. You're only mourning if you throw a shit fit every five seconds and try to drown your sorrows in cheap booze and women.

Quote :

Kaiden kept his eyes on the turian as he briefly explained everything. His curiosity about the Spectre's personal mission grew when the turian broke eye contact at the mention of Eden Prime.

"I hope that helps you in whatever it is you're doing. Are you sure you can't tell me who you're looking for?"

"Shepard." Kryik answered, suddenly.

"What?" Kaiden asked in disbelief. "I'm sorry, Nihlus. I am, but Shepard's, dead. Her remains are probably still on that frozen world where we were attacked."

Ok, so Nihilus is Shepard hunting while changing the narrative and letting everyone know that Shepard is coming to recruit them. Who wants to hazard a guess as to how much this changes the story?

And why doesn't he just go to the Citadel, speak with the Council, get Shepard's comm address and send her a message? Everyone else in the whole damn galaxy seems to know Shepard's email address and clogs her inbox with thank you letters and mission requests.

Quote :

The next morning Sonya decided to go to the Citadel.

Why? Hello? It's the audience again. WHY?!?

Quote :

She wanted to see her 'father' and she needed to alert the Council and the Alliance that she was, in fact, alive. There would be questions that she wouldn't want to answer, but she would just have to deal with that.

Shepard? Just dealing with anything without breaking down into tears? Heresy!! Quick! Reinforce the OTP before anything starts to make sense! We've gone all of 13 chapters without an awkward sex scene!

Quote :

And if Nihlus was there... Her heart skipped a beat at the thought. For a second it was hard to breath. Her last moments with him were intense and intimate before the destruction of their home began and they were spaced. For her, it had only been a couple weeks. For him, two years had passed. She assumed he would have mourned her in traditional turian fashion, but would he have replaced her? Would he want to continue where they left off? She could understand that he would need time to adjust to her return, but there were so many unknowns.

There we go. Never mind that the traditional Turian mourning is never explained... For all we know he would commit seppuku while on fire while screaming like a cat in heat.

Quote :

"I should warn you, as your friend, Nihlus... he may not be as you remember him. I know you've thought about that, but I don't think it'll be what you expect."

Do I see intrigue before me? Huh. Ok, we're making some progress...

Quote :

"Okay." Sonya nodded, concerned by the earnest expression on her friend's face. "Thanks, Garrus."

She put her free hand over the talons holding her other and gave them a little squeeze back. She hoped Nihlus would accept her back as readily and easily as Garrus had. He was a good friend. She was glad to have him as one.

Nope... false alarm. Shepard's still the Bella Swan of the 22nd century.

Next stop, the Citadel to meet with the Council where Shepard gets permission to use her personality but only half way while the author just copypastas the entire scene from the game.

After that totally not plagiarized scene, Shepard is again warned that Nihilus has changed.

But Shepard hasn't. She's still a cunt with the personality of a Twilight Vampire going through an eternal midlife crisis. Here's to emotional stability with the fate of the entire galaxy in your hands!

Chapter 18 begins with a visit to Alchera, the planet that the original Normandy was destroyed over. Don't worry about remembering this. Shepard won't either after this chapter.

But, you would still think this would bring back memories for our heroine...

Quote :

First and foremost in her mind were thoughts of Nihlus.

But of course, our Heroik couldn't be concerned with remembering the lives of all who were lost when her butt-plug shaped cuttle-bone is out there somewhere, ineptly bouncing from one planet to another.

Quote :

It was piratically a monument in and of it's self.

Piratically

This piratically made me want to hit my head against the wall.

Quote :

"Commander, you've got a shuttle coming in to your location. The shuttle's batarian and recently reported as stolen from Omega. It might be a merc."

Oh, my. I wonder who this could be...

Shepard goes even more stupid than before and ignores everyone and wouldn't you know who it is. I promise you will never guess.

Quote :

Her breath caught in her lungs when the white tattooed mandibles emerged from the helmet, quickly followed by the rest of the design she knew so well, punctuated by two bright green eyes. They seemed somewhat duller than she remembered, but it was him. It was Nihlus. He'd found her.

See? It only took him 18 chapters, too!
Wanna see how long it takes for them to screw?

So they bamf into the Normandy... because apparently the Kodiak can teleport. Who knew?

But, wait! I almost forgot! This is where all those stories like Twilight and such stick in needless and cumbersome drama between the OTP so I guess this is where I should stick some in! Yea!

Quote :

"I am not worthy of your love." He said mournfully, still looking into her eyes. "I have conducted myself in dishonorable fashion. I have mated with harlots and easy women. I have..."

Not just 'had sex with' or 'fucked' or 'boned' or would that be 'cuttle-boned'? No! He 'mated'. Behold my Thesaurus! Worship it!

Quote :

"You what?" She breathed the question. "I know I was dead, but... I can't believe you would compromise your own philosophies, your own morals... "

How could you have had an emotional breakdown! How dare you move on with your life! That's not fair!

Anyway... after Shepard regresses back to 12 years old and runs away like a bitch, Nihilus and Garrus have a pissing contest in the shuttle bay and then Garrus sends Nihilus to his room. I would hate to be Gardener.

Quote :

Garrus found the doors unlocked, much to his surprise, so he nervously let himself in. He found Sonya laying across her bed with her face buried in a pillow.

This seems to be a familiar position for Shepard. That and walking around with her head up her ass.

Quote :

"I don't know why I'm so upset." Sonya shrugged. "I should be happy he's here. I was dead. I can't rightly judge him for anything he's done. He's still an honorable man."

Could you please decide what you want to be? Are you angry at Nihilus for actually going on with his life, bad decisions and all, or are you understanding that he was suffering, too?
I would really like to know so I can look forward to not getting whiplash with all the mood swings Shepard throws my direction.

Quote :

"He stopped me from bonding with him in the shuttle."

Kinky...

And then Garrus bitch slaps Nihilus for being a pussy...

Spoiler:

My Boi!

Forget that green eyed zombie! My Shepard would tap Garrus in a heart beat!

And then...

Oh no...

Quote :

They were together again, on the Normandy, their home, and his bond mate was taking him to bed to make love to him.

My eyes!!!

There is not enough bleach in existence to wash this image from my eyes!!!!

Quote :

Her lips took his,

Huh? What lips?

Quote :

His want quickly hardened and extended from the protective moistening folds.

Quote :

With each ridge that entered her, she cried out and moaned his name, as she had only ever done for him.

Ow...

Quote :

Nihlus found her deep, exotic eyes with his fiery green gems

Fetch eyes! Fetch!

Quote :

thrusting gently in and out of her swollen passion.

Quote :

breathing each other's air while he slowly receded from her shuddering body.

Shepard... you forgot to brush your teeth...

Quote :

A small trickle of red stained her skin from the newly carved 'N' on her chest where his chest spur caught her flesh.

At least there wasn't any fluid squirting out of every orifice. But still... according to canon, this is necrophilia. And that makes this so much worse.

I need a shower.

You know, if she was going AU anyway with Nihilus and all, she might as well have run with it and diverged from the story at least a little bit because I'm pretty sure things would've changed drastically if he had lived. But no, thinking of new things is too hard!

Still, I couldn't imagine trying to read this without your snark. Nice job.

*squee* Uh... *ahem* Thank you! It's nice to know that I am improving. Patience and snark-wise.

God, I've never shipped Garrus with anyone and this makes me want to run to the Mass Effect LJ comm and binge on Shep/Garrus that's written sanely. How can sex this melodramatic be so boring?

Quote :

thrusting gently in and out of her swollen passion.

You know your sex scene is boring when a look at the worst euphemism list could improve it. You can actually make this sentence better by replacing the word "passion" with "glistening axe wound" or "spam castanets."

Hey! Let's keep plagiarizing! My fans are too stupid to know the difference between the game and where it kind of looks like I deviate from the story if you squint your eyes and stand on your head in a dark room while naked.

So after we get through the first conversation with Garrus after getting his face pieced back together like a shattered vase, we finely get to a real mission!!! How many chapters did we waste on literary masturbation?

Ugh...

Quote :

"What about Wrex?" Shepard pointed out.

That's a good question? I wonder if Nihilus is going to tell Shepard about his visit with...

Quote :

"Wrex proved himself in the end, but by then he had his own reasons to go after Saren. Before that, his loyalty to the mission rested on the credits in his pocket." Kryik replied, in no way attempting to hide his cynicism.

Whu... The coldest most ruthless killer on your team in ME1 greets you like your his oldest friend in ME2 and you are going to tell me that he was just interested in lining his own pockets? Siha, watch this and FUUUUUUUUUU!!!!



So... We get to Purgatory. Which is a prison run by a mercenary group called the Blue Suns.

Quote :

It seemed security was tight, even for paying customers.

It's a prison, stupid. From now on I will refer to these people as ShepTard and the Red Sand Pyjaks

And so as ShepTard and her little gang get a tour from the Warden Kuril. And all the while he and Nihilus posture like a couple of peacocks.

Quote :

Kuril was obviously showing his disapproval of his relationship with Shepard. The scent of him on her was not a subtle one in a turian nose.

So Nihilus' scent induces rage among male Turians? Eureka! I think I just solved half of Shepard's problems! Get her the hell away from Nihilus' RAEG! funk and she won't have as many bullets flying up her ass!

I am a genius.

But, the warden turns on them because he wants to capture Shepard and sell her. Things aren't going to work out well for him.

Quote :

"Most of the Blue Suns here seem to be turian," Garrus told her as he and Nihlus joined her at the doorway. "Hit them in the forehead with a round, it will force their head back for a split second, exposing the weak spot in their armor at the neck."

Research Fail! Turian carapaces are not armor!!!! READ THE FRIGGEN CODEX!!!!

Anyway... ShepTard and her harem blast their way through the guards and make it to the controls to Jack's cryo chamber. They hack the console and let Jack out...

Quote :

"That's Jack?" Garrus asked in disbelief and mild amusement. He voiced what they were all thinking.

Just for the record... this is Jack.

Spoiler:

And when they let her out, everything gets blow'd up.

Quote :

"Her biotics are impressive." Kryik mused, "But she lacks subtlety."

Who are you to talk about being subtle? Even your BO is strong enough to turn Turians into raging morons.

But wait... Wasn't Shepard a biotic in the story previous? *Reads again* Yes! Yes she was. And not once has she used her abilities.

That can wait. ShepTard needs another good cry because Nihilus kept some young punk from knifing her. Oh the injustice!

Quote :

She felt betrayed, until she noticed the dead hand reaching for a hidden knife, half unsheathed from the concealed slot in the armor on his leg. The knowledge didn't help the tears. Instead it made them worse.

I think Samus from Metroid: Other M somehow slipped into the Mass Effect universe and took over Shepard's life. Shepard: Other M!

Quote :

"That bastard is about to find out what we do to people who threaten us." She nodded back, and tightened her grip on her pistol.

You cry and snot all over their armor?

So the three find Kuril again only now he's set himself up in a good sniping position, protected by shields and guards. But of course, Siha's inability to form a complete sentence strikes again.

Quote :

Every word from his mouth should be heard as a lie, even if it was truth.

What does this even mean?

Ok... skip ahead, Kuril dies in less than two sentences that would be missed if your eyes did like mine and just glazed over half way through.

They meet up with Jack who gives Shepard attitude, not trusting ShepTard and her harem one bit because they work for Cerberus.

Quote :

"You'd better recognize!" Shepard spat, her street days on Earth sifting to the surface in the face of such angst.

Oh, gawd. She did not. I recognize that this fic is shit. How's that?

*Sigh* Back on the Normandy...

Quote :

"... to talk to you about something." was all he heard of the last sentence Sonya said to him.

Uh oh... Nothing good ever came from those words.

Quote :

Her crotch wasn't far from his face from where he sat at the desk. If the conversation wasn't going to be about or lead to mating, he would have to distance himself from her nearly nude flesh.

Nice to see that Nihilus has his head in the game...

So ShepTard looses her balls and tries to ask him why he was so cold while killing the young turian on Purgatory.

Quote :

He couldn't tell her how angry it had made him when he saw the merc reaching for the knife as he begged for the mercy she was considering.

Yes you can... Your doing it right now! Forced drama is Forced!

Quote :

He didn't have the words to tell her how lost he'd been without her.

I thought we worked through this shit already!!! Either talk to the ships Counselor; Kelly or get a grip. Either one will work.

Quote :

"Do you forgive me for letting you die?"

If I said no would, you die already and make this story canon?

Quote :

"It wasn't your fault. If anyone is to blame, it's me."

I thought we worked this out!

Quote :

"It was a human ship that killed Sovereign. I'm the one that drew the attention of the Reapers to humanity."

ShepTard has a point. But, lets make angst out of this, anyway! By comparing their romance to Romeo and Juliet. I shit you not!

And then they fuck... again.

I am going to need therapy after this. And we have... we have 34 chapters to go...

Quote :

Research Fail! Turian carapaces are not armor!!!! READ THE FRIGGEN CODEX!!!!

Not even getting into how ridiculously improbable it is to nail a shot on that small a target with a "split-second" opening...Legion would respond to that with disbelief. "We have achieved consensus on Siha-Author's knowledge of how guns work; she is retarded."

Quote :

I think Samus from Metroid: Other M somehow slipped into the Mass Effect universe and took over Shepard's life. Shepard: Other M!

I lolled. Really, the onset of incompetence in Shepard is getting so ridiculous I'm starting to wonder if this is one great big troll seeing how far he can go and still get rave reviews from stupid fangirls.

Quote :

"You'd better recognize!" Shepard spat, her street days on Earth sifting to the surface in the face of such angst.

...



Poking around the fandom, I've seen many different players' headcannons for their Shepards. Mine is a derpy faggot jarhead. There's at least one heavily fleshed out Male Shepard who wants in Mordin's pants. I've seen two whose players write him with a southern accent in fic form, one of which romanced Jack and in the author's portrayal initially greets her at the end of the recruitment scene with "Howdy."

All of that is more believable than this.

I feel sorry for Mass Effect fans. It seems to have a hell of a lot of badfic.

Quote :

The next morning Sonya woke before the alarm sounded.

I hate it when that happens...

Quote :

She lazily glanced a the transparent orange display to see the time.

Didn't we just establish this?

Quote :

She'd woken about half an hour early.

To rip off Weirdy's quote: Using the telephone, the Department of Redundancy Department of Redundant Redundancies called on the phone for reasons unspecified that they didn't tell when they called on the telephone using the phone.

And then...

Spoiler:

MOAR SMEX!!

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Quote :

He'd heard her laugh, but a giggle was something was strange to hear her make such a sound. It was so... girly.

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Quote :

Kryik took Shepard's hand in his as they rode the elevator in silence down to the loading bay.

Why? I would assume that Shepard is capable of commanding her own ship without freaking out every time she has her period.

Quote :

This time it was her ship and she was in charge. That meant maintaining the respect, loyalty and obedience of the crew.

I wonder how long it will take for Nihilus to take command away from Shepard again. *Starts the stopwatch*

And then she plagiarizes the entire mission to get Okeer. But before we get to that, we need more sappy sweet luvin.

Quote :

As much as he wanted to hear it, he didn't want to hear it like this. The fist time and the last time to have James confess the truth in words, and it had to be on his death bed. Go fucking figure.

"Goddamn it".Aaron swore then gave in. "I love you too."

James died in the next breath. Aaron kissed the still warm lips of his lover, then settled his best friend's head on his lap and pulled out his pistol. He didn't stop to think about it. Damn the promise to hell. What the fuck was he supposed to do without James? Sure he could function without him, but it wouldn't be life. He put the barrel to his temples and followed James, as he'd always done, into the oblivion beyond this life.

Bam! Yaoi out of nowhere! And these aren't even characters in the game. So... why are we covering this, again?
Because Yaoi is kawaii and it makes you squee like Celine Deon in a room full of helium? Gotcha.

Quote :

"Bread.. to kill?" The krogan asked, confused.

Oh, shit! Now this is going to keep me up at night. *Eyes my sandwich*

But hey! Something not plagiarized!

Quote :

He was parts put together with DNA for several sources.

What?

Quote :

He reminded her of herself. Was she even human anymore?

If a Krogan reminds you of yourself, Shepard, you have more pressing matters than whether or not you are human.
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Quote :

It was as if he could feel her thoughts. His face had been stern and soft all at once.

And Nihilus seems to have partial facial paralysis. You all have issues.

Quote :

She could tell the proverbial 'them' that herself. Of course she was mentally unsound. She'd been woken up, rather rudely, from being dead for two years, only to be told she was pieced back together by an organization she tried to destroy. And it was all just so she could be thrust into battle for the lives of humanity and the galaxy... again. So if she had a few moments when she wasn't completely in her right mind it was an understandable, if not a forgivable, offense.

This is not Shepard! Shepard was able to survive and cope because of how strong her mind was! She was told repeatedly that she had one of the strongest minds anyone had ever seen and you are telling me now that she is as unstable as a one legged Rhino? FAIL!

Quote :

"You have a new message on your private terminal." Kelly said with as much chipper as a squirrel that has a tree full of nuts.

Technically this is kind of canon... but ignoring her completely will not make her go away. Kind of like Common Sense.

Quote :

Shepard turned and left without further word. She had other things on her mind than forming a friendship with the councillor.

Oh, yes! Because we have not had enough of you and Nihilus! We need more sappy, improbable sex!

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Quote :

She'd watched the vids in clips a few minutes at a time when he was in the shower or tending to other needs.

So... Shepard was watching porn... on the toilet?

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I lost it at the last picture. God, I love Mordin.

With how much Shepard is boning the turian, I'm surprised she hasn't whined about the discomfort. CHAFING.

When you write sex between a human and an alien, what do you do?

A. Hand wave fact that the two are similar enough to be able to mate.

B. Explain in a way that pertains to the plot, using a conveniently present doctor to explain vaguely how mating would be possible.

C. Instead of taking inspiration from a terrestrial analogue, find something as WTF as possible and apply it in the most awkward way you can.

Most would pick either A or B. Not this author.

This author goes with C to the Nth power.

As an example, Turians are more like avians (birds) than they are like mammals. So, when writing an intimate scene, one would logically give the male similar anatomy.

Not this author.

Imagine, if you will, Shepard giving her beau a blow job. But instead of his male organ being vaguely in the shape of a corkscrew, we have... well... this;

Quote :

But the tickling became more aggressive as he reached the hight of his apex. His talons dug into the tops of the sofa and something in her mouth was trying to grab hold of her tongue.

Care to venture a guess as to what this author has modeled Nihilus' peen after?

Quote :

She nearly fell off the sofa when she saw the dozens of thin, wispy tendrils searching the air for something to latch on to, the center of which was still spitting turian seed.

You got it. This author saw fit to give her male turian stud a peen that works like a Tube Worm!

Just let that sink in for a moment.

As these two are in the middle of this:

Spoiler:

Lil' Nihilus is doing this:

Spoiler:

Ready to throw up yet? I know I am. Especially when you realize that thing was in her mouth.

And, of course, in shitfic style, this author goes through the added effort to explain why. But... the image itself is disturbing enough with out the anatomy lesson from Creepy Hell!

Quote :

"Turians," He began as if giving an anatomy lesson to elementary students. In a way, he was. "have an extra organ unique to their species. That's what you saw. It appears during the ejaculatory stage of sexual activity."

Are you sure Shepard is old enough to be hearing this? Is she even old enough to be writing this?

Quote :

Bizarre, disturbing, creepy... There were any number of words she could use to describe her initial thoughts of his alien appendage.

I prefer fucked up.

And then that's exactly what they do.

The fucking part...

But just like Spock's homicidal PMS... it is never mentioned again.

Quote :

Ebony eyes fluttered open just as drowsy emerald gems blinked back at them.

OMG!! Zuul!

That explains why I feel like I fell into the Blagole.

Quote :

Knowing he was attractive by turian standards hadn't meant much in his life.

Jeez. Not this again!

You would think that with over 50 chapters in the last fic he would have come to terms with his own life! But noooooo! We can't have a male protagonist with his shit together! We need an emo, whiny, butthurt, sissy little girl in a manly man's body to give us TEH DWAMA!!!

Fuck this shit! I'm rooting for the Reapers.

And then she uses a turian's perceived difficulty in dressing to go ahead of Nihilus like a wired five year old in a crowded mall. She wants to be the first one to open Grunt's tank.
Granted the real FemShep could take a krogan on single handed and come out on top. Other Shepard, however, needs her cuttle bone dildo to keep her safe.

Quote :

Shepard took a well meaning step forward and gave him a wink.

She... she winked at him? What the fuck is this? Deep Throat on the Normandy?

Quote :

"You, human." He addressed her gruffly, then sniffed her and roughly grabbed at her breasts and crotch.

I imagine her boobs popping like over inflated balloons.

Quote :

She really hoped this thing wasn't ready to mate. That wasn't somewhere she wanted to go, ever. She'd already got a good look at the battering ram that would destroy her if he tried.

So... Grunt is naked now? Huh...

Why?

And then Nihilus walks in and...

Quote :

She smoothed a few stray hairs back and looked at him as if he were intruding on her while she was on the toilet.

What is this I don't even... This... this has got to be the worst metaphor ever used in the history of fan fiction.

She equates nearly getting killed with taking a shit. Just... My head hurts.

Quote :

She nearly fell off the sofa when she saw the dozens of thin, wispy tendrils searching the air for something to latch on to, the center of which was still spitting turian seed.

Dear god, did she get inspiration for turian dicks from H.P. Lovecraft?

And damn it, stop insulting the Brogans, Siha! Grunt would not need to grope Sheptard to know she's a woman. Hell, he's probably smarter than her and more emotionally stable.

Screw this story. Here's a better one:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Dr. Quinzel wrote:

Quote :

She nearly fell off the sofa when she saw the dozens of thin, wispy tendrils searching the air for something to latch on to, the center of which was still spitting turian seed.

Dear god, did she get inspiration for turian dicks from H.P. Lovecraft?

And damn it, stop insulting the Brogans, Siha! Grunt would not need to grope Sheptard to know she's a woman. Hell, he's probably smarter than her and more emotionally stable.

Screw this story. Here's a better one:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

And this is made all the better because it's true!

Quote :

"You, human." He addressed her gruffly, then sniffed her and roughly grabbed at her breasts and crotch.

This has got to be a troll. There is no other explanation for the completely random sexualization of canon scenes. There's so much repeating of canon elsewhere that I don't believe for a minute the author finally realized it was boring as shit, only to decide that MORE SEXUAL THEMES BECAUSE IT'S TOTES MATURE AND EDGY is the solution.

Dr. Quinzel wrote:

Quote :

She nearly fell off the sofa when she saw the dozens of thin, wispy tendrils searching the air for something to latch on to, the center of which was still spitting turian seed.

Dear god, did she get inspiration for turian dicks from H.P. Lovecraft?

Isn't it contradictory to how it's described elsewhere, too? I'm too afraid to go back and check.

Quote :

Screw this story. Here's a better one:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

I approve.

Horizon.

It's the beginning of Act 2 of Mass Effect 2. It's where the shit really starts to hit the fan and we get a glimpse of the Collector ship. It's where we also begin to understand exactly what the Collectors are doing with the tens of thousands of human colonists they are abducting.

Quote :

Shepard fidgeted with her fingers as the elevator descended the shaft to the hangar bay. Something wasn't right about what was happening on Horizon. There were many unanswered questions and not enough information. She jumped a little when Nihlus reached over to steady her hands in his.

Of course, Shepard is no where near sane enough to handle this and Nihlus is, once again, slowly taking control from Shepard: Other Spectre!

I am not amused.

Quote :

"...The Collectors seem to be focused on getting to me. Now they're hitting a colony were Alenko is stationed. Why are they trying so hard to lure me in or track me down? I can't accept that it's a personal vendetta. The Reapers want to harvest all life. Why bother with an individual?"

It might have something to do with the fact that you killed one of them. Just a thought.

Then the two share a moment.

Then they climb into the Kodiak... which Siha still doesn't know the specs of because Shepard is looking out of a window behind her and there are no windows on the damn thing except in the cockpit!

Quote :

"We're ground side." Shepard reported over the com. "Mordin, you sure these armor up grades will protect us from the seeker swarms?"

"Certainty impossible, but in limited numbers should confuse detection. Make you seem invisible to swarms... in theory."

"In theory?" Garrus asked, amused but nervous.

"Experimental technology. Only test is contact with seeker swarms. Look forward to seeing if you survive."

I love Mordin! He's always so chipper even when he's dangling your ass over a shark tank with a steak tied to your ass.

And as they get to the controls for the GUARDIAN defenses, Shepard has a moment of bad ass.

Quote :

Shepard grinned as she smashed her the butt of her rifle into the vacant face of a husk that ran at her, shooing it in the head as it lay convulsing on the ground.

"Shepard, get to cover!" Kryik demanded over the com.

"There will be more!" Garrus yelled as he blasted the last Collector near his transport cubby.

"Good. Let them come." Shepard spat.

"This is not the time to be reckless." Kryik warned.

"I'm sick of hiding from these bastards!" Shepard shouted.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Shepard grows a quad and comes out to play!

Quote :

She had never heard him say 'please' for anything. 'Thank you', and 'I'm sorry', but never 'please'. It shook her from her battle rage enough to get her moving to cover. She climbed the short stair to the walk that connected the two prefabs, crouching down and slamming her back against the gravity guard.

And then, just like that, the moment is over. Nihlus sucks all the fun from the fic by being 'Daddy' and making sure Shepard doesn't fall down and get her dress dirty.

The author seriously needs to stop castrating her characters the moment they get a mind of their own.

Anyway...

Quote :

"They're pulling out!" Garrus shouted into the com.

Quote :

A ceased fire settled an eerie calm over the blood splattered field. SDA and Vakarian the coming storm.

Proofreading. This one needs it. Badly. I can hardly follow what is going on between paragraphs because of garbled shit like this. This almost makes me think someone tried to prove the Infinite Monkey Theorem by using Shepards instead of Monkeys. I think this is one of the failed attempts.

Quote :

"I picked up one of the Collector particle guns." Kryik told her over the com. "I think I can use it."

*Clicks the stopwatch again* Less than five chapters and Nihlus is now fully in control of Shepard's position. The Collectors can now snipe her ass. She is no longer needed to drive the plot. Just get Nihlus a blowup doll and tie it to his belt. He will never know the difference. The doll might even be better able to cope with the stresses of being Nihlus' second fiddle and diddle toy.

Then they run into Alenko, now a Commander himself who keeps the same douchebag stance and doesn't listen to Shepard. I personally hope we get the option to punch his ass in ME3. Shepard plagiarizes with the Renegade path.

Quote :

"I didn't betray a goddamned thing! ..."

I still have no idea why she italicized this word. It's already there for emphasis. Italicizing it is redundant.

Anyway... Nihlus has to hold Shepard's hand as they leave so Shepard doesn't get all emo and depressed and Garrus wants a blow up doll of his own.

Quote :

The Illusive man, whom which Shepard had begun to refer to as TIM, ..."

Keep that up and you will twist your sentence into a knot. It took me a full minute to figure out what the hell she was trying to say without my eyes going cross.

Quote :

The Normandy sliced across the galaxy like a warm knife through fresh butter.

Quote :

He almost seemed angry about something. He still teased and made his jokes, but he was more... turian that usual. The elevator doors closed and she shook her head.

"That didn't make since." Shepard told herself. "He is turian. Get a grip. It's probably just in your head."

I find it funny that EDI tells Shepard to seek medical attention when she talks to herself in the elevator. EDI, apparently has retained her marbles. Scary.

Quote :

Garrus heard the doors open behind him.. He knew it was the Commander. She had a distinct floral oder with the ever present undertow scent of Nihlus.

Wow...

Plagarizing again from the script of the game like the talentless hack she is, the author sets up this short little pointless chapter as the jumping off point for Garrus' loyalty mission.

What time is it? It's Canon Rape Time!

Yaaaaay!!

Quote :

Haestrom was hot. Nearly 44 degrees cercus in the shade.

Hey! Someone read the Wiki!

Quote :

Nothing could withstand direct sunlight for more than a few seconds, including native life, without burning to crispy, black ash.

And then it quickly descends into making shit up.

Mass Effect Wiki wrote:

Quote :

Because Haestrom's sun has overwhelmed the planet's protective magnetosphere, humans foolhardy enough to venture into geth-controlled Haestrom must exercise extreme caution. Minutes of radiation exposure will overload shields and hours of exposure will kill. Furthermore, solar output renders surface-to-orbit communication nearly impossible.

Emphasis mine. Is it really that hard to read the whole article? It's only a few paragraphs long. Takes only a few minutes. You wouldn't look like an ass. Just sayin...

Garrus, meanwhile, is preforming some sort of mental soliloquy that gives away the entire plot of the chapter so that it turns into a boring history lesson and already I am falling asleep...

Show! Don't tell me in detail until my eyes get bored and follow the ice cream truck around the corner...

Quote :

"We'll have to make sure we fight from the shade!"

He meant it as a tease, but the 'I know that' look his commander gave him told him to shut his mouth.

Never speak to the Commander when you're riding bitch! Seriously, first she bashed Miranda and EDI and now she's turned her attention to the only legitimate Turian love interest on the crew? She is choosing a creepy Canon-Zombie over Garrus. That would be like me choosing a Reaper as a love interest instead of say... Thane.

Quote :

Grunt followed close behind him, breathing heavy as his namesake suggested he might.

Looks like someone needs to lay off the twinkies.

Quote :

Dodging fire and moving across ground from shadow to shadow was tricky work. Not incredibly difficult, but tricky.

WTF does this mean? Was it difficult or wasn't it? Besides... you could grace Nihlus with some abilities of his own. He could be an engineer and short circuit Geth left and right and even reprogram some to attack other Geth... You know... originality.

Quote :

Shepard picked up a live walky from a dead quarian.

It's the 22nd century... and we still use walky talkies. You couldn't have called it a 'Tight-Beam communications device'? All that needless crap going through Garrus' head make your hands hurt or are you still jilling off to Nihlus shambling around eating Shepard's brains and raping canon?

Anyway... uses the 'walky' and gets Kal'Reegar on the other end. Voiced by Adam Baldwin of Firefly fame.

He's awesome, rough, and he respects Tali. Though you would never know that reading this piece of garbage...

Anyway, ShepTard and her harem + one out of shape Krogan make their way to where Kal'Reegar is when a Geth Drop ship blocks their way by shooting a pillar down to block their way.

Quote :

"There's demo charges in the buildings near by. You'll need two to blast through." Reegar told her. Sometimes marines die.

Where the hell did that come from? No pretense, no build up, just BAM! I... *ahem*

Moving along!

Quote :

It was more just to have something to say. He hated letting the tension build. It was more fun to shout sarcastic comments at his fallen enemies, but whenever he did Kryik gave him a look that reminded him of turian military superiors.

Bad Turian! He's a Bad Turian! He didn't much care for that bullshit! Have you even played the game! Get the DVD out of your ass right now! It feels better playing it. Right after a scrubbing in lye.

Anyway... Shepard and her harem of lobotomized zombies make it to a comm station so they can contact Tali.

Quote :

"Shepard? What are you doing here?" Tali responded, happy, but in shock.

"I came for you, actually, but we can talk about that when we're not being shot at by geth. How do I get you and your team outta here?"

Who ever said Shepard was leading anyone? She's just a figurehead/fleshlight for Nihlus. Because daddy has to be there when Shepard freaks out every time she has a period. Which is every other day.

They finely get to Kal'Reegar. When I got to this part my jaw hit the floor. 'It's Jane!' Yes... I am a total fangirl/nerd. What of it?

But all through this, Garrus is jealous of Reegar and Tali's hinted at relationship.

Quote :

Shepard's reiteration of Tali's words irritated the thorn that was already in his thoughts. Garrus wondered just how close Tali and Reegar were. Shaking his head, Garrus gave himself a mental boot to the head. What the hell was he thinking? It's not like he and Tali ever did more than chat about tech. His mild flirting had gone un-noticed or ignored. Maybe he should have been more clear or made fewer jokes. He told himself, if he survived the mission, he would go back to the Citadel and find Novea. Maybe that one night of stress relief still floated around in her memory with positive impressions.

And maybe she's moved on after almost two years and found someone else to 'relieve stress' with. Seriously, just because this comes up in conversation ONCE with Garrus the author has to parade it in front of us dressed in neon green parachute pants.

And then they pull Tali out and Garrus gets more dirty looks and Kal'Reegar exits stage right while ominous warnings are written that probably won't amount to anything more than literary farting in the wind.

Then they BAMF to Illium. Nothing to show how they got there. They just appear there. Apparently this is an common enough occurrence that defenses don't come online and blow them out of the sky.

Quote :

She had eyes only for one turian Spectre, and he happened to be heading strait for her from the elevator with a poorly concealed look of concern on his face. Though, to anyone else he would have looked just as stern as always.

Again with the partial facial paralysis.

Quote :

"Ms. T'Soni has paid for our docking fees, hasn't she." He said.

"Yes, the ground control informed us of that on approach." Shepard looked up at him quizzically.

Shepard doesn't know this until the Concierge informs her AFTER they disembark to hit up Liara for information. The author is putting the cart before the horse and then shoving a rocket up the horse's ass.

Quote :

"Nihlus, I appreciate your concern. Liara was my friend, and yours. I don't think she would betray us." Sonya tried to reassure him, grinning at his attempt to use her new abbreviation for the Illusive Man.

"People change." Nihlus replied flatly.

Not this again! We should have resolved this already! We're 41 chapters into a 60 chapter sequel to a 56 chapter travesty and WE STILL HAVEN'T RESOLVED THIS?!?

Quote :

Kryik did his best to put on the Spectre's mask and robe with authority as Shepard did the same for her Commander persona. She was rather successful in his opinion, as she lead the team down the docking ramp.

Unfortunately for us, Nihlus and Shepard got dressed in the dark and put each other's armor on by mistake.

The SSV LoveBoat SR2 lands on Illium in a city called Nos Astra. Frankly, I am surprised this author got that much right. Though it immediately goes down the tubes as the Redundant Thought Bubble of Redundancy blows itself even bigger with Nihlus' thoughts about being prepared, his father, being prepared, Miranda's personal affairs, being prepared and why the hell their docking fee was waved and being prepared.

Oh... but it doesn't mention anything about their docking fee being waved. That little bit is hand waved away. It's hinted at that Miranda has business on Illium, but I'll be damned if the author is going to throw us a bone by showing us the conversation that precipitated this little field trip. Not even Nihlus knows what the hell is going on which leads to some consistency issues dealing with Nihlus being the main character narration wise.

Anyway...

Quote :

"Welcome to Nos Astra." the asari addressed the four arrivals. "My name is Careena. If you need information about the area, it would be my pleasure to assist you. I also have a message from your benefactor. Liara T'Soni would like to speak with you at your earliest convenience. Her office is near the trading floor."

At least she got the name of the greeter right. Which is about the only thing she got right. Of course, anyone reading this who has never played Mass Effect 2 wouldn't know why Liara would be Shepard's benefactor.

Quote :

Nihlus could see the hidden excitement behind Shepard's eyes. She was looking forward to seeing her old friend, no doubt hoping to convince her to join their cause. He was unsure if this would be a good idea, if Liara even agreed to do so. Shepard waisted no time in marching directly to Liara's office. He exchanged quick glances with Garrus. He knew as well as the vigilante that Nos Astra was no better than Omega, only shinier. A person could drop off the map just as easily.

I notice the sentence structure improving slightly. And I do mean slightly. However, that does nothing to patch over the glaring fact that Shepard is still a Bella Swan in this fic. I am surprised that Nihlus doesn't just pick her up and carry her wherever she goes. Done right, that might actually be worth a read... but instead I get this. Oh joy.

Quote :

The trading floor was an open air market. Nihlus wondered what they did when it rained.

This is the only thing you had to say about the capitol city of Illium, author? Wow. There are so many other things you could talk about other than it being just a 'Shiny Omega'. You could add in your companion's unique dialog when you go to certain spots. But I suppose that would be too difficult since you already cramped one hand writing all of Nihlus' inner thoughts and the other jilling off to the fact that you're writing Nihlus' inner thoughts.

Quote :

[...] At that moment Shepard was stopped by an asari with a message from her 'friend' from 'Novera'. The rachni queen. Something he had not prepared for. The message was simple, if not cryptic. The were hiding, rebuilding, growing. The queen believed that the Reapers forced her ancestors to war. Rachni were apparently not a naturally aggressive people. It would take time for the galaxy to accept that truth, but the queen promised to help fight the Reapers when they came.

Ok. This is slight improvement to the stilted style of prose from earlier chapters. I have a feeling that she finely got a beta for her grammar but forgot to go over the plot because the glossing over of this conversation is inexcusable. This should have been given it's own chapter with all the dialog written out along with Shepard and party's reactions to it. But all the relevant plot points get a cursory once over to make room for the OTP.

Anyway, they finely make their way up to Liara's office and are greeted by her assistant.

Quote :

"Hello, I am Nexaris, Ms. T'Soni's assistant. How may I help you today?" the asari greeted them with professional warmth and a smile.

Seriously, author. You couldn't just look the name up in the wiki? The name is Nyxeris. Please to be spelling it correctly. Spelling it this way makes me think of Paris Hilton in that role and it scares me. Deeply.

They go into Liara's office and catch the tail end of the conversation.

Quote :

"Have you ever faced an asari commando unit before? Few humans have. I'll make it simple. Either you pay me, or I flay you alive, with my mind."

The words chilled him as they must have his mate. The colorless cheeks and fading smile told him that she too was remembering the day they met Benezia. He had a feeling this was not going to go as well as Sonya hoped.

My God! Liara got a life and moved on after Shepard's death! How insensitive! She should have been waist deep in booze and hookers right beside Nihlus and his flag-pole of Fail!

Then we break the narrative so that the furniture can be described! It's pretty! Look at it!

...

You're not looking at it!

Quote :

"Shepard! I'm so glad you came!" Liara exclaimed. "Vakarian, Kryik, you too!" She ignored Miranda standing by the door.

Because Miranda and Liara totally don't have a history. See: Mass Effect: Redemption for further details on how much of a history these two don't have.

Quote :

Though her voice was just as soft, it had gained a harsher edge than the archaeologist they knew. Judging by the conversation they had just walked in on, so had the doctor herself.

Who did what now?

So the four minus Miranda rehash the exact same conversation with Nihlus saying not a word. It's almost as though he isn't there. That would be a much better read, if Nihlus were a figment of the newly reanimated Shepard's imagination. But alas, this dribble is all we get.

Nihlus stays behind for a few more lines of dialog which accomplish absolutely nothing in the way of plot or character development and then he catches up with the rest of the brain trusts in the market.

Quote :

He caught up with Shepard on the trading floor as she bought a few upgrades for their weapons and armor. He wondered who she would pursue first. He had a feeling it would be the assassin, if for no other reason than to prevent the murder. But he remembered Nassana Dantius. She had manipulated him into killing her sister for her own personal gain, or rather the prevention of losing favor. No doubt she had committed far worse crimes since. He wondered if the name had summoned the memory in Shepard or Vakarian.

The bolding is mine, however it showcases what this author thinks of lone females going out to save the world. They must have a freaky eyed zombie with them at all times. So sayith the law laid down in Twilight.

Quote :

"Are you going to let him kill Nassana?" Garrus asked.

"I know what you're thinking. She deserves it. But that's not why we're here." Shepard replied, remembering the ambitious asari who wanted all ties with her sister severed, literally. "We're going in, getting the assassin and getting out."

"Do you plan on trying to stop him?" Miranda asked, breaking the silence she'd held.

"Whatever happens to his target is not my concern." Shepard replied. "Let's try to focus on the mission."

Kryik followed her with a certain amount of pride as she made her way down the hall to the cargo transfer levels. He could almost smell the battle to come and his blood rushed in his veins, excited for the break in the monotony that permeated the air of this business shrouded city.

Huh... Shepard has a personality again. I hope that if Siha did get a beta that they did a little more than stick a few commas between sentence fragments and call it a day. But I haven't come to expect much from this author unless it involves head dialog and copious amounts of Ikea erotica.

The four skip off toward the docks to speak to their first contact.

Quote :

"Seryna?" Shepard asked.

The brown eyed asari glanced up at the human in battle gear and armed with at least three different guns escorted by more of the same. She returned her attention to her console as if they were sporting pink dresses and lolly pops.

You know... if I saw two humans and two turians in pink dresses with lolly pops, I would shoot them on site. Just saying. That would be an even more disturbing sight than four heavily armed people in this universe.

Quote :

Seryna gave the two turians and the human with her. Whatever she saw, she volunteered more information.

Yea... What ever it was that she gave them must have been so interesting it deleted itself.

Quote :

"Let me guess, you can help us out." Garrus said, the new edge he'd picked up living on Omega lined his words.

"I can get you in, but you only get one shot. You'd better be ready." Seryna told them.

Shepard looked back at him and he nodded the affirmation. They were ready. He was ready. He was always ready for trouble. This was not new information. He'd told her that shortly after they met. For a brief second his mind flashed to the memories of Eden Prime and the gun shot that nearly killed him. Saren's evil was still sending out ripples of consequences for those left behind.

Why hello there, sentence fragments. I was wondering when you would show up. Now if only she could string a couple hundred of those together with an occasional comma every couple hundred words we'd be in business.

Quote :

They had three hours to kill before they would meet Seryna back at the cargo transfer level where she would be waiting with a transport. They were half way to the transportation hub. There was no reason they couldn't find out what they could about Samara's location in that time. Shepard turned to Kryik, he could see the weariness in her eyes. She wasn't physically tired, but the stress was clearly getting to her. Sex only eased the strain enough to help them both get to sleep at night. Despite how exhausted they were, sleep came with more difficulty with their worries keeping them awake. He gave her forehead a brief nudge to try and offer support and comfort, hoping it somehow gave her a little added strength to finish the day. She offered him a grateful, but weak smile in return, giving his hand a subtle squeeze as she passed by toward the stairs that would lead to the hall for the transport hub. Miranda was waiting and the two exchanged quick words before Miranda headed back toward the trading floor. He wondered where Ms. Lawson might be going, but he would wait for Shepard to tell him if he needed to know. She was in charge of the mission. It was not his place to question her. Taking a few quick steps, he followed close at Shepard's side, Vakarian took the other. Nihlus glanced over at Garrus and a strange thought occurred to him. If something should ever happen to himself, Garrus would be the one he would want to take his place. He was a little rough around the edges, and there was some bitterness from some history over the last two years, but who didn't develop some of that after the Commander's death? Underneath the armor, he was a good man. He and Shepard were piratically best friends. He could make her laugh. It wasn't a thought he enjoyed, but it gave him some peace to know that Garrus was there for her if she needed him. He could put trust in that.

Ow. My head hurt just looking at this wall of text. The Enter key is to the right of your right pinky. Please use it to avoid future headaches and eye strains.

Also, Shepard still needs her cuttle-bone dildo to keep her from imploding. And this is as about as subtle as she gets. *Spoiler Alert* It's foreshadowing!

Quote :

There were a few kiosks selling everything from pet fish and model ships to guns and armor. He wondered if a few of the small, wiggling creatures in her tank would help her tension.

'Small, wiggling creatures'? You mean fish? Don't tell me Nihlus doesn't know what fish are.

Anyway, since they have some time to kill, they go hit up the Tracking Officer for information on Samara.

Quote :

When they had gotten out of ear shot of the officer, Kryik leaned in to Shepard's ear. He was a little worried about her manors. She tended to be a little rude when she was tired.

"Shepard, perhaps I should speak with the justicar, given her unique occupation." He spoke low so she would not feel her authority was compromised.

"What? You don't think I can be diplomatic? I've had successful encounters with the Council, ya know."

It was good to hear her teasing. Perhaps he was over reacting.

"Okay, but if I sense you're feeling flustered, I will step in."

"Fine. The SDA is back, right?" She grinned up at him.

"Yes, exactly."

I need a facepalm smiley. I would need about a hundred of them. Roughly translated this means: Now, Shepard. If the big, Justicar uses too many big words, just tell me and I will do all the talking. We wouldn't want your womanly tendency to get flustered to get us all killed, now would we?

Where's my damn whiskey?

*Drinks self into stupor*

Quote :

... There was little to protect them from the winds up here and with it came the smells of the cabs zooming past and the scent of food from a million restaurants at dinner time. His stomach threatened to growl at him. Provisions were running low on the ship. They would need to pick up some more supplies before they deft Nos Astra or there might be a mutiny.

I have a wonder... Would hunger be the cause of the enormous case of Stupid that has been plaguing the Normandy since Chapter 1? If it is, might I suggest foregoing the rations and just letting the stupid take it's course? The galaxy would thank you.

Quote :

The doors hissed open as they went inside the station. Detective Anaya looked up from her desk when the human and two turians came over to her. It was hard to miss the armor and guns. The corners of her mouth turned down as she pursed her lips into a hard line.

"Nice guns, try not to use 'em in my district. What can I do for ya?" the officer asked.

"I'm looking for an asari warrior named Samara." Shepard replied as she took the hard seat across from the detective.

"If you've got a score to settle with Samara, take it somewhere else. I've got more than I can handle here already."

"I need to recruit Samara for my mission. Then we'll be on our way." Shepard stated.

"Justicar's usually work alone, but they are drawn to impossible causes."

"We've got that covered." Garrus commented.

Again, as though Nihlus hangs in the back somewhere like some collective figment of their imagination. He only speaks when Shepard and company are out of the presence of non-important people plot wise.

And the dialog is never changed to even include him. He isn't there! It's all Shepard's imagination!

I can just bet that Miranda will shit her skin tight uniform if she finds out that Shepard is tripping balls this entire time.

Quote :

Kryik lead the way out of the station. He wasn't trying to take charge, just get the hell out of the damned station. He hated places like that. They only made him agitated. Officers sitting around, complaining about the crime and how much work they had to do and doing nothing about it. They were all too afraid of the rules to do their jobs. By the look on Garrus' face, he must have felt the same way. A silent exchange of thought passed between them when their eyes caught on each other. The two shared a knowing grin as Shepard passed between them with a cocked brow.

"What are you two loons all smiles about?" She asked with amusement.

And then they kissed passionately and skipped off into the distance, leaving Shepard to short circuit and remain standing there until the Reapers attacked a year later.

True fax.

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She was trying to keep herself going with humor, but the dark circles under her eyes betrayed her lie. These were the last two on her list of dossiers. Perhaps she would get some rest while the upgrades to the Normandy were completed. They still had to find a way to stop the Collectors though. He knew she would never really relax until the Reapers were stopped. Her drive was incredible, and dangerous to her health. He decided he may have to tie her down, but that would cause him to take certain actions that didn't allow sleep... at least not right away.

Please keep the narration straight. Who is telling the story? Nihlus or Shepard?

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She was always doing that to him. Running ahead and leaving him behind. His mandibles fluttered with frustration and excitement. She always kept him on his toes. Spirits, he loved her. Then he heard gun fire and quickened his steps. She'd already found mercs. Garrus wasn't much further ahead of him and he hadn't found cover either. They must have walked right into them.

Shepard is officially a complete fucking retard. And Nihlus is a useless piece of splooge. Glad we got all that straight, author.

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In his peripheral vision he saw Shepard's biotic toss the group of mercs back at least ten feet through the air. He took the opportunity to fire on them with vicious accuracy. Their head popped like melons inside their helmets as his rounds found the weak spot under the chin. Garrus seemed impressed and applied the tactic himself on those Kryik had missed.

Garrus was impressed by the tactic? He was the one who suggested it at Purgatory! Also... Read the Friggen Codex!! Turian carapaces do not work that way!

Fast forward through puddles of blood and Shepard displaying disturbing chibi cuteness, we are introduced to Samara.

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The asari's voice was as smooth and calm as a mountain lake in the spring. It was hard to accept such cool collection in the midst of a fight. Yet it stood before them with purpose and pose.

"You can kill me..." The dieing merc coughed blood onto the asari's red boots. "But one of us will take you down... Justicar!"

"What was the name of the ship she left on?" The justicar asked once more.

"Go to hell!" The merc coughed again.

Bloody spittle speckled her lips and chin. Disappointment and something like sadness crossed the justicar's face before her resolve steeled in her icy blue eyes.

"Find peace in the embrace of the goddess."

The justicar offered the death blessing, then snapped the merc's neck with one powerful, twisting motion on her leg and hip. Love of Sonya didn't keep Kryik from thinking the scene to be the sexist way he'd ever seen one kill another without weapons or biotics. Judging by the twitch of Vakarian's mandibles, he thought so as well. The justicar turned her attention to them just as Shepard straitened her stance beside him.

Yea... Smara. Bad ass Justicar in game... reduced to cringe worthy plot device in fic.

Classy.

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Her mouth opened to say more, but Kryik interrupted her before she began. His own exhaustion was wearing his patience thin.

"What sort of justice seeks out a single criminal while trillions of lives are at risk of a fate worse than death?"

"You are hardly one to speak of justice or honor, Nihlus." Samara answered with the coolness with which she had addressed the merc. "I am still bound by the code to kill you for your actions. I only hold back now out of repsect for your companions, and because I was impressed with your mannar of alluding me. Or have you forgotten your murder of the unarmed civilian?"

Oh snap! But wait... care to expand on that?

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He could see that she wanted to disbelieve the justicar's words. His memory of that time had grown fuzzy in his mind, but he had not so easily forgotten the weeks of cat and mouse games before he manipulated his escape. Saren had still been his friend then, and Shepard was merely another human, a name on a roster. He knew it might hurt her to hear that the justicar spoke the truth, no matter how far behind him that Nihlus was. But he also knew she would forgive him. No one had a perfect history. Not even justicars.

"Yes. It is. It was Citadel business. I do not regret my actions. Perhaps I should have told you long ago. There was never a point at which I thought it a relevant tale."

Not important, bitch! Also, What the hell? *Points to bolded words*

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"Admitting your guilt will not save you. I am sorry, but you must pay for your crime." Samara told him.

The justicar lit up with blue flame and prepared to attack. Kryik moved for his gun when Shepard leapt between the two of them. Her eyes were hard as steel on the asari, her own biotics flaring.

"I can't let you do that."

"Shepard!" Garrus shouted, and took aim at the justicar. "You touch Shepard and you'll be next!"

"I must abide the code. This matter does not concern either you. Please, step aside." Samara requested. "I will not hesitate to kill you if you insist on intervening."

"Shepard, get out of the way." Kryik said, more to protect her than to be allowed the battle.

"No! I will not 'move aside'! He is a part of my crew and I will not allow you to exact your definition of justice upon him. He is an honorable turian and a good Spectre. Is there no room in our code for forgiveness?"

"I'm afraid not." Samara responded. "I hope you find peace wherever your soul may find it's final rest."

Remember that foreshadowing I pointed out earlier? Yea...

Basically the part about Nihlus killing an unarmed civilian is all canon. But holy shit is this horrible!

And that last sentence sounds like it's going in circles down the toilet.

Anyway... the three basically talk at each other with nothing being even remotely addressed. The tension mounts and then because Shepard can't go five paragraphs with out doing something stupid, she picks a fight with Samara.

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"Goddamn it!" Shepard shouted. "Fuck this!"

Shepard fired a biotic burst as strong as she could manage at the justicar. Kryik and Vakarian opened fire. The team backed away to the exit. Anaya ducked behind cover. She did not want to die that day. The biotic wave that came from Samara's body destroyed everything in it's path. The detective was spared by inches. Another burst flew from her, targeted directly at Nihlus. He pushed Shepard out of the way in time to take the hit. His life force was sucked from his body like a mosquito sucks blood. Garrus fired at the asari to break her concentration and stop whatever it was she was doing. None of them had ever seen a botic ability such as this before. Shepard recovered as quickly as she could, only to find her life mate writhing on the floor in agony.

"NO!"

Argh! The stupid! It burns!

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"Sonya..." He whispered. He could hardly speak at all. "Sonya, I'm sorry."

Sorry? Sorry for what? She got you killed!

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"Listen to me." He wheezed, cutting her off. "I don't have much time. I can hear the wind and the sound of the tall grasses singing."

Um... wut?

I would post all the sobbing, but I don't have the patience to deal with the adolescent wreck this author has turned Shepard into. The author takes four paragraphs to describe that Shepard has a broken heart, and then:

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"I take it the justicar will not be joining us." Miranda said as the Commander and Vakarian approached her alone. "Where is Kryik?"

I almost forgot! We needed more Miranda bashing!

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"Was your own mission more successful?" Shepard asked bitterly.

"Yes, it was. Thank you for asking." Miranda responded, trying no to sound too boastful that she'd handled her situation single handedly. She had her own gains and losses to bare.

You're so subtle, Siha. I almost didn't catch that you hate Miranda's boobs butt guts.

Then Shepard, Garrus and Miranda skip off to the Dantius Towers, using the Renegade key to get in and shoot the ever loving shit out of everything in sight.

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Garrus followed. He always followed her, always would. No matter what. He'd made a promise to a friend to take care of her, and he kept his promises. He would have done the job anyway. Shepard had become almost like a sister to him. She was practically family, only much more supportive. He took cover behind a stack of metal sheeting and steadied the but of his rifle on his shoulder. The scar on his face grazed the cheek rest. He owed her his life. A few scars and a life time of watching her back was a small price to pay. He pulled the trigger and fired on the FENRIS mech that was bounding toward her position.

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"Shepard? But... your dead." Nassana stated as though her truth were infallible. Her guards raised and trained their weapons on the intruders.

"Well, as you can clearly see, I'm not." Shepard said, opening her arms wide as if to present herself as evidence.

Wow... the author couldn't even bother to choose "I got better," as an option. Seriously! If you're going to take the Renegade and reckless path, then at least stick to the dialog. Otherwise you come off looking like a complete ass hat. Not that the author needs help in that regard.

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While Nassana spoke, Shepard watched a figure drop out of the air shaft that the male merc had checked. A species she'd never seen before snapped the neck of the ill sighted merc, silencing his cry before it left his lips. In a blink of the eye, the assassin thrust his fingers into the throat of the nearest merc, sending her to the floor clutching at the ruptured air way. He caught the merc's weapon as it fell from her grip. The asari sent to check the entrances charged at him, bringing up her weapon to fire. The assassin was faster. Using the gun from the throat punch victim, he shot the commando in the chest. Dropping the used merc's gun, he caught Nassana's pistol in mid air when she dropped it in surprise. turning to see what was happening behind her. He caught her by the neck and forced the barrel into her ribs. His movements were agile, decisive and elegant, almost like a dance. A ballet depicting the coming of death to the battle field and he was the angle of death. He pulled the trigger. His face flinched the moment the shot sounded, muffled by her body. He cradled her in his arms as he lay her across the console, looking down on her as an angle might. He folded her hands over the fatal wound ritualisticly, as if folding them for her last prayer. The assassin took no notice of her or her team. Instead he lowered his head and poised his hands in front of him. He prayed.

Ow... So if he is an Angle... is he right or obtuse?

Scratch that. He can't be any more obtuse than Sheptard. It's not possible.

Anyway, the scene just afterward is plagiarized directly from the game with no thought what so ever put into how the circumstances of the chapter previous would affect this. At all.

Author, you are made of stupid!

Has this fic author actually had the audacity to use Medi-gel as a lubricant yet? Because that would be the epitome of idiocy.