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 I Want a Scab

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TheHedonist
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PostSubject: I Want a Scab   Mon Jun 20, 2011 6:52 am

I don't usually write poetry and most of what I write, prose-wise, tends to run a bit long to post here. At any rate, here's a poem.

I Want a Scab

I want a scab upon my heart,
Or where it used to be.
No place to lie, no place to weep,
Just still and hard and free.

There is no flow there, no desire,
A tranquil, little me,
And there I’d float, a thousand years,
A stagnant, stable sea.

I’d think to when I thought at all,
And deem myself a fool:
‘What if he had what I have won?
This might not seem so cruel.’

This time and place is just a dream
My hopes make no more real,
But what comes next, I can’t abide:
That niggling need to heal.

How can this happen, time again?
Why must it all repeat?
Why must these bitter bouts of ardor
Sweep me from my feet?

Every time the scab is pulled,
The raw skin lies beneath,
Waits, aquiver, awash, ablaze,
A hand flies to its sheath.

The arrow cocked, the marksman sure,
To me it flies, too true,
And leaves with me another wound,
Some new scab to pursue.

I’ll wish for it, in latter days,
That tranquil, little me,
And hope to float, a thousand years,
A stagnant, stable sea.
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grmblfjx
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PostSubject: Re: I Want a Scab   Mon Jun 20, 2011 9:50 am

The third lines of the 5th and 6th verse have too many syllables and it seems to me that "a new scab to pursue" would flow better. Other than that I like it a lot, the rhythm of it reminds me of something that I will tell you when I think of it. Razz
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TheHedonist
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PostSubject: Re: I Want a Scab   Mon Jun 20, 2011 6:06 pm

grmblfjx wrote:
The third lines of the 5th and 6th verse have too many syllables

Yes and no. This is in pretty standard ballad form (so, 8/6/8/6 syllables, if you/anyone who happens to read this doesn't know) with a few tweaks here and there. For instance...

Quote :
Waits (1), aquiver (3), awash (2), ablaze (2),
.

So, that one works. However!

Quote :
Why (1) must (1) these (1) bitter (2) bouts (1) of (1) ardor (2)

Nine syllables. But...

Quote :
Sweep (1) me (1) from (1) my (1) feet? (1)

Only five here. It evens out, and I think it works a little better if you read it aloud, since the visuals matter a little less that way.

grmblfjx wrote:
and it seems to me that "a new scab to pursue" would flow better.

Yes, but I like the disdain that 'some' suggests. I'll think on it, though.

grmblfjx wrote:
Other than that I like it a lot, the rhythm of it reminds me of something that I will tell you when I think of it. Razz

If it helps at all I've been reading a lot of Dickinson, Wordsworth, and Thomas.

Edit: Also thank you for reading/saying you liked it jesus i am so rude wtf
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grmblfjx
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PostSubject: Re: I Want a Scab   Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:19 am

TheHedonist wrote:
This is in pretty standard ballad form (so, 8/6/8/6 syllables, if you/anyone who happens to read this doesn't know) with a few tweaks here and there. For instance...

[stuff]


Only five here. It evens out, and I think it works a little better if you read it aloud, since the visuals matter a little less that way.

No, when I read stuff, there's always a voice in my head reading it to me.* I have heard it out loud in my head, if you will. Maybe it's not the actual number of syllables and something to do with the emphasis, but those two don't have the same rhythm as the other third lines.





Quote :
Edit: Also thank you for reading/saying you liked it jesus i am so rude wtf

Aw, no worries. I remember writing a poem or two, back in the day, with basically the same theme, so it kinda resonated with me.




*That's probably why I am so unforgiving on spelling- if it's spelled wrong, it comes out sounding strange, and that bugs me.
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