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 When Wario Met Mrs. Cartman/Wario's New Life (somewhat NSFW)

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I.V. VonBischoffs



Join date : 2011-06-08

PostSubject: When Wario Met Mrs. Cartman/Wario's New Life (somewhat NSFW)   Thu Jun 09, 2011 12:07 am

Another, well, two more "gems" from back in the day. First of all, When Wario Met Mrs Cartman, a badly-written romance fic centered on an obvious pairing that's also a multi-fandom crossover from Hell (the "badly written' and "crossover from hell" parts are why it's here now and was both a New Release and a Golden Oldie at various times on GAFF then, not the non-canon pairing). Oh yes, and the author "forgot" that Mrs. Cartman (whose real name is Lianne, as the author constantly reminds us throughout the fic) was established at the time fic was written to be a hermaphrodite and Eric's father (this has since been retconned in a more recent episode, but that's neither here nor there).

Here's the first paragraph, exactly as it was written:

Quote :
Wario, who was thirty years old and still single, was in the concession line at the arena. He was standing patiently in line when he felt a bump on his backside. When Wario turned around, he noticed Eric Cartman was behind him. He appeared to be very excited about Bender's new performance. "Oh, I'm sorry, did I bump into you?" Cartman said to Wario. "Yes you did. That's okay, though." Wario said to Cartman. When Wario and Eric got their refreshments, they entered the auditorium. Wario found a good seat with Waluigi, while was still looking for a seat. "Eric!" Wario called. "You wanna sit with us?" "Okay." Cartman said. He then went over to an empty seat next to Wario. After the performance was over, there was a carnival with oodles of rides and game booths that were ran by Shy Guys and all other strange characters from the Mario land. Wario and Cartman rode bumper cars, a scrambler, and even took a few rides on the gravitron. After playing a few carnival games and having an ice cream sundae, they had a chat that night at Bender's mansion. "My friends say that I'm fat, but my mom says that I'm just big boned" Cartman said to Wario. "I'm fat, but I'm just fat because I was really greedy for a whole chocolate cake" Wario replied to Cartman. "I'm also greedy for money and treasure." He continued. After a few minutes of chit-chat, Cartman told Wario that it was time for him to go home. Wario didn't get to see Cartman too much after that night.

Bad formatting? Check.
OOC Cartman? Check.
No less than three incompatible fandoms crossed over? Check.

Did I mention this was just the first paragraph of a thirteen chapter fic? Unfortunately, it doesn't improve.

Quote :
A week had passed since Wario met with Mrs. Cartman, aka Lianne. It was a Saturday evening, several hours after Luigi witnessed the birth of his daughter McKenzie and became a proud papa. Then everyone watched "Shrek" on HBO. After the movie, Wario and Lianne went into the computer room and played a game of minesweeper. "Lianne, there's something I want to ask you." Wario said to Lianne. "Yes, Wario, what is it you have to ask me?" Lianne asked Wario. "Lianne, I've noticed that we've been together for two weeks." Wario said. "Do you think it's time to get married?" "Yes, I think so. So what's the big question?" Lianne asked Wario. "Will you marry me?" Wario asked Lianne. "Yes Wario, I will." Lianne said to Wario. Wario then put a diamond ring on her left hand.

Several weeks had passed. The night before Lianne and Wario were married, Lianne and Eric Cartman moved into the Rodriguez-Schnurren mansion (better known as Bender's mansion). The next night, a wedding took place inside the mansion. Lianne walked down the aisle, and at the end of the aisle, Wario joined beside Lianne. Later, the preacher said to Wario, "Do you Wario take Lianne Cartman to be yours forever?" And at that moment, Wario said, "I do." The preacher asked Lianne the same thing, and she also answered, "I do." Later, the preacher had said, "I may now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride." Wario gave Lianne a kiss on her lips, and led her out of the chapel, with the guests following. Even Wario's brother, Waluigi had a girlfriend named Nina.

A few days after their honeymoon, Wario felt a bit sexy and had an urge to make love with Lianne. After Wario watched a video to get him aroused, he went to his bedroom where Lianne was sitting up in bed. Wario and Lianne began to make love in the dark while Wario was removing her bra. "Ooh yeah." Wario moaned as he put Lianne in a spooning position in the dark.

Two days later, Wario took Lianne into the doctor's office. Mario told Wario that Lianne was throwing up every morning and having to use the bathroom every three minutes. A few minutes later, the doctor began to talk to Lianne about what was going on with her. "Mrs. Cartman, I have found out why you have been vomiting every morning and it is not that you have food poisoning." The doctor said. "Then what is it?" Wario asked. "Congratulations, Mrs. Cartman." The doctor said. "You're pregnant." Right at the that Wario heard that Lianne was pregnant, he had passed out.

This, folks, is chapter two in it's entirety. Gathering around to watch (presumably) a favorite movie of the author's so soon after a birth? Proposing marriage after two weeks of dating? Lianne becoming aware of her pregnancy two days after the apparent conception? WTF?

Next chapter, more random characters (Dr. Zoidberg and some Sonic-verse characters) appear. Then the following chapter (basically more of the same) has this line:

Quote :
It was a Saturday morning, the 14th of September, and Wario woke up to the song by Grass Roots, "Midnight Confessions"

I'm guessing that's one of the author's favorite songs. Which of course a mention had to be made thereof. Another stand-out line from that chapter:

Quote :
The next weekend, Escargoon was the next victim to be Wario's friend.

More like, the next victim of this author shoehorning anything and everything she likes into this fic. Like in the following chapter:

Quote :
It was a Friday night and Escargoon was moving in. Wario and Cartman were helping Escargoon get his bags in. While Lianne was helping Escargoon unpack, a stuffed mouse in a green and white cheerleader outfit fell out of Escargoon's backpack. Cartman sauntered over to pick it up.

"Gimme that!" Escargoon snapped as he snatched the doll from Cartman.

"I was just wondering what it was." Cartman said to Escargoon.

"That's Mitzi Mozzarella, one of my favorite characters from the Rock- afire explosion. She's one of my personal favorites." Escargoon said.

"Hey! Boys don't play with girl dolls!" Waluigi bellowed as he grabbed the Mitzi doll from Escargoon and was about to rip it up.

"Don't destroy Mitzi! She's my sacred character!" Escargoon pouted as he grabbed the doll from Waluigi. "That doll's been untouched the day I got it for my birthday!"

"Your birthday, huh? How did you get it?" Fry asked Escargoon.

"I got it from Showbiz pizza when I was younger and had a lot of money because I heard that the dolls there were pricy." King Dedede said. "Then when Escargoon turned four, I gave him the Mitzi doll and the Dook doll" He continued as he pulled the Dook doll out of Escargoon's backpack and showed it to Wario.

Oh God, make it stop! Well, at least she kept the Rock-afire Explosion as just a robotic band in a defunct chain of pizza restaurants, not as yet even more characters who befriend Wario and move into Bender's mansion.

Next chapter: Wario's Rock-afire, a rip-off of the aforementioned Rock-afire Explosion (with Wario, Waluigi, Shadow the Hedgehog, King Dedede, and Escargoon in place of the robots you either loved or feared) performs and Dedede suffers an on-stage injury which induces a "Moulin Rouge" hallucination.

Like I said it goes on like this. For seven more chapters. Then the author (mercifully) abandoned it.

A year later (read: 2003), the first game of the WarioWare spin-off series came out. With it came a (sort of) canon love interest for Wario in the form of the character Mona. Not that anyone said anything to the author of "When Wario Met Mrs. Cartman", at least not in that fic's reviews. Nevertheless, she felt the need to post a follow-up fic called Wario's New Life. It's under a different author name but you can still tell it's her.

First, this bit from the author's note that opens the fic:

Quote :
but in the RPs majoraham and I have

Common fanbrat mistake: assuming we care about you and your friend's RP sessions.

Now here's how she not-so neatly "wraps up" the storyline she never even actually finished, and how I can tell it's the same author despite the different name:

Quote :
Hello, it's me, Wario. I have to say that my life took a turn for the worst. My infaturation with the lovely Lianne had ended in divorce, and we had only been married for a year. She found out that I was flirting with Mona, my employee at the Wario Ware! The divorce occurred a few days ago before (Wario) Junior's first birthday (That was the only child I got to keep since he was a chip off the old block). I went back to being Wario Wario again.
But the heartbreak only lasted a few weeks. Mona always told me that time heals all wounds. Mona was even getting along with Junior very well. My business was virtually still under construction. During a performance at Dschump Arena, I bid farewell to being one of the "four plumbers of the apocalypse" and threw my pom-poms in the garbage. I still listened to the intoxicatingly jaunty music of Xuxa still.

There's only one more paragraph (if you can call it that) after this- I'd hardly call it a fic at all.

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Exodia's Right Leg
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PostSubject: Re: When Wario Met Mrs. Cartman/Wario's New Life (somewhat NSFW)   Fri Jun 10, 2011 9:15 am

Time to break out the old classic:

and this is Wario how?

I hate this shit because it's so mundane. You're writing about fucking Wario! Could you try not making it into a soap opera?
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The Scientist
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PostSubject: Re: When Wario Met Mrs. Cartman/Wario's New Life (somewhat NSFW)   Mon Jun 20, 2011 5:53 am

I stopped reading once Cartman apologised without being under threat of death.

This is Eric fucking Cartman we're talking about. If he bumped into someone, he'd go all "Ey! Asshole!" He would not apologise.

He's a sociopath. He's never sorry.

Getting the South Park boys OOC makes me angry for some reason. Angry
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PostSubject: Re: When Wario Met Mrs. Cartman/Wario's New Life (somewhat NSFW)   Mon Jun 20, 2011 12:21 pm

Wario is a guy who one day walked home and saw his treasure turned into monsters.

So he went and punched the monsters so hard that they turned back into money.

If this is what WarioWare turned him into, I'm gonna start hating the franchise.
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I.V. VonBischoffs



Join date : 2011-06-08

PostSubject: Re: When Wario Met Mrs. Cartman/Wario's New Life (somewhat NSFW)   Tue Jun 21, 2011 10:46 pm

All WarioWare did to Wario was make him your typical greedy, evil CEO (kind of like Mr. Burns on "The Simpsons")- the ending of the first "WarioWare game reveals that he doesn't pay his employees and ultimately makes off with all the profits. Also, the reason I say Wario was "sort of" given a canon love interest is because Wario/Mona is actually one-sided- on her part (yeah, I don't get it either).

BTW, not to derail this thread but, Scientist, I love your avatar. I love you
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thblckmvn2064

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PostSubject: Re: When Wario Met Mrs. Cartman/Wario's New Life (somewhat NSFW)   Wed Jun 22, 2011 2:59 pm

I.V. VonBischoffs wrote:
BTW, not to derail this thread but, Scientist, I love your avatar. I love you

Seconding the icon love. I love you

On-topic, I'm surprised these fics wasn't mentioned on the author's Encyclopedia Dramatica entry when it was up (there it was listed under yet another alias of hers that's so obviously, well, yet another alias of hers). Whatever aliases she used, we are (or were, she seems to have thankfully removed herself from the 'net forever) dealing with someone who makes a certain Team Rocket fangirl look like JRR Tolkien (okay, a bit extreme, but still).
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PostSubject: Re: When Wario Met Mrs. Cartman/Wario's New Life (somewhat NSFW)   Mon Jun 27, 2011 11:35 pm

Thanks people, I love it too!


It must be the most awesome picture of those two in existence.
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MadamSnowWulf

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PostSubject: Re: When Wario Met Mrs. Cartman/Wario's New Life (somewhat NSFW)   Sun Aug 14, 2011 9:33 pm

The Scientist wrote:
Getting the South Park boys OOC makes me angry for some reason. Angry

Well, I hate to do this to an apparent fellow "Criminal Minds" fan (and I think you know what that means as far as your icon ), but...

I braved this dreck, just to see if anyone else from "South Park" shared in the fate of Cartman and his mom. Sure enough, here's what was waiting in chapter 11:

Quote :
Mama Snail was a character based on the Kirby episode, "Escargoon rules/Like mother, like snail" and I just called her that because she's Escargoon's mother. Also, Cartman's friends make an appearance in this chapter

This is gonna suck...

Quote :
After the two performances, everyone had a chance to meet Escargoon's mother, who was nicknamed by Wario and Cartman, Mama Snail. She was very nice and served cookies for everyone. Suddenly, Cartman's friends, Kyle, Stan, Kenny and Butters gathered around Mama Snail.

"Whoa, whoa, WHOA!" Wario exclaimed. "One person at a time!"

"No need to make a mosh pit, there's enough Mama Snail to go around, children." King Dedede.

"Mutant penguin!" Kyle screamed out in horror at the sight of King Dedede.

"Run, Cartman, RUN!" Stan exclaimed.

"Hey! Be nice to Triple-D! He's nice to me, and if you're nice to him, he'll be nice to you." Cartman said.

"Who are you children?" King Dedede asked the boys.

"We're Cartman's friends from school." The boys said in unison.

"Well, I'm glad you're wearing tags so I can know who you guys are." King Dedede said as the boys left.

"Bye Cartman, bye King Dedede, bye Escargoon, bye Mama Snail." The boys said as they left.

What did I tell you? Why oh why did this fanbrat have to give Kyle, Stan, Kenny and Butters a token apearance on top of everything else (especially since he's hanging out with Ness all the time now)? And of course, there's the whole "either Bender's Mansion is located where Cartman can still attend South Park Elementary or Kyle, Stan, Kenny and Butters also relocated to the area" if they're "Cartman's friends from school".

If it's any consolation, though Cartman and Lianne continue to be as OOC as ever for two more chapters, Kyle, Stan, Kenny and Butters make no further appearances, and the rest of the "South Park" populace were spared an appearance in this fic and its sequel.

As for the sequel, had one not realized it was the same author or not known about the first fic, they'd wonder what the line "I went back to being Wario Wario again" was about (Wario took Lianne's name in the other fic after they were married, evidenced by Ness calling him "Mr. Cartman"). Also, from such a perspective it would seem that Wario had divorced an OC named Lianne with whom he'd had multiple kids, not that it was Lianne Cartman he had married and that the only child involved besides Wario Jr. was Lianne's son/Wario's stepson.

And I think The Scientist, thblckmvn2064 (presumably- his/her icon seems to indicate so), and myself can breathe a little easier knowing that "Criminal Minds" was three years away when the first fic was abandoned and still didn't exist when the sequel was written.
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PostSubject: Re: When Wario Met Mrs. Cartman/Wario's New Life (somewhat NSFW)   Mon Aug 15, 2011 9:54 pm

I.V. VonBischoffs wrote:
All WarioWare did to Wario was make him your typical greedy, evil CEO (kind of like Mr. Burns on "The Simpsons")- the ending of the first "WarioWare game reveals that he doesn't pay his employees and ultimately makes off with all the profits.
He was always greedy anyway, so that's OK.
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PostSubject: Re: When Wario Met Mrs. Cartman/Wario's New Life (somewhat NSFW)   Sat Aug 20, 2011 9:52 pm

MadamSnowWulf wrote:

I braved this dreck, just to see if anyone else from "South Park" shared in the fate of Cartman and his mom. Sure enough, here's what was waiting in chapter 11:

Quote :
Mama Snail was a character based on the Kirby episode, "Escargoon rules/Like mother, like snail" and I just called her that because she's Escargoon's mother. Also, Cartman's friends make an appearance in this chapter

This is gonna suck...

Quote :
After the two performances, everyone had a chance to meet Escargoon's mother, who was nicknamed by Wario and Cartman, Mama Snail. She was very nice and served cookies for everyone. Suddenly, Cartman's friends, Kyle, Stan, Kenny and Butters gathered around Mama Snail.

"Whoa, whoa, WHOA!" Wario exclaimed. "One person at a time!"

"No need to make a mosh pit, there's enough Mama Snail to go around, children." King Dedede.

"Mutant penguin!" Kyle screamed out in horror at the sight of King Dedede.

"Run, Cartman, RUN!" Stan exclaimed.

"Hey! Be nice to Triple-D! He's nice to me, and if you're nice to him, he'll be nice to you." Cartman said.

"Who are you children?" King Dedede asked the boys.

"We're Cartman's friends from school." The boys said in unison.

"Well, I'm glad you're wearing tags so I can know who you guys are." King Dedede said as the boys left.

"Bye Cartman, bye King Dedede, bye Escargoon, bye Mama Snail." The boys said as they left.

What did I tell you? Why oh why did this fanbrat have to give Kyle, Stan, Kenny and Butters a token apearance on top of everything else (especially since he's hanging out with Ness all the time now)?

What, no Kenny death? Dry I'm now seriously wondering if this author ever even watched "South Park" at all. Rolling Eyes

MadamSnowWulf wrote:
And I think The Scientist, thblckmvn2064 (presumably- his/her icon seems to indicate so), and myself can breathe a little easier knowing that "Criminal Minds" was three years away when the first fic was abandoned and still didn't exist when the sequel was written.

Your assumption that I am a CM fan is right on the money, though I do hate this past season and doubt they'll be able to fully recover. As for the rest of your comment there, well, yeah, when authors write fics that moosh together any and every fandom they have even the vaguest familiarity with, I suppose taking comfort in knowing at least one of your fandoms was spared is all one really can do, right?
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