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 Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods

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PostSubject: Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods   Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods EmptyWed Jun 01, 2011 5:56 pm

Elberethien by Nimneniel
Quote :
My name is Gennifer Brown, and I am the daughter of Elbereth. This is my story. A/N: Second fic, first attempt was bad. Please R&R!
pale

Quote :
Chapter 1: Bye Bye America
Bye bye, Happiness...

Quote :
Gennifer
Cute. It's like Jennifer except spelled weird.

Quote :
Right now this is all I can say: I'm glad it's all over. My name is Gennifer Brown, and I am going to tell you about how I am uniting the known universe.
"First, I grab a big hunk of it and squeeze very, very hard. When no light can escape its density, I drop it in a matter-filled spot of the universe, and go on to the next chunk."

Quote :
First, I'll start with the day I realized who I really was.
It was the day I met my authoress.

Quote :
I was part of a theater group known as NT, or Neighborhood Theater. We performed a play every year; sometimes two. This year's production was "Bye Bye Birdie" and I played one of the main characters. It just so happens that this character had a love interest, who I managed to develop a crush on during the year.

His name was Matt. He had short brown hair, brown eyes, and a kind, handsome face. Unfortunately, I was fourteen and he was sixteen. To top it all off, he had a girlfriend. I have the worst luck in the world.
This sounds vaguely autobiographical. I wonder how much of this actually happened.

Quote :
Anyways, it was curtain call on the last production. I took a deep breath, and walked out on stage, right next to Matt. I gave the audience a bright smile as the two of us led the company bow. As my eyes strayed around the gym that we were performing in, I saw a figure standing in the back. He wore a dark grey cloak, and that was all I could make out of him. I immediately grew wary.
Because wearing costumes at a play is just weird.

Quote :
Dismissing that, I slowly backed away as the curtains closed. My three friends, Erika, Hanna, and Zack, all walked over. I barely managed to suppress my laughter.
Uh... why? Wait, I'll bet you'll answer that question in the next paragraph.

Quote :
Erika was desperately trying to brush gray powder out of her, normally chocolate brown, hair. Hanna was trying to do the same to her twin brother, Zack, but he kept batting her hands away. "Hanna, would you knock it off!" he shouted, "I want to keep this stuff in my hair. That way people might be able to keep us apart!" What he said was true. The two of them had nearly identical shades of flaming orange hair.
High-LARRY-us!

Quote :
I stepped over to Erika, deciding it would be wise to help her with her hair rather than Zack. "Thanks, Gen," she said as I started to brush the remaining bits of powder out of her hair.

The four of us all walked down to the dressing room, only to see another, very excited friend. Rachelle was a tanned, short, and slightly plump (Never mention that to her; she'll kill me) girl with long black hair and brown eyes that were the color of coffee. she held several bouquets of flowers in her hands. "Ohmigosh, you guys did such a wonderful job!" she managed to yell into our ears as she gave us a very large bear hug.
Alright, we have established that she is popular and well loved by her awesome cool friends, and the non-awesome friends love and worship her. Can we get on with it?

Quote :
My friends came to the rescue, as they were walking upstairs chatting about the cast party later. I instantly joined in, and didn't stop until we were in the gym. Then things got interesting.

I saw the man in the grey cloak walk slowly over to us. That caught my attention, and I pointed him out to the others, "You see that guy in the cloak over there? I think he's watching us."
Pedo-jokes anyone?

Quote :
Hanna stiffened and grabbed her brother's hand. Rachelle craned her neck to get a better look at him.

"Do you really think so?" Erika asked me.

"I'm sure of it. I didn't see him the whole play, and then there he was at curtain call! I don't like it." I replied.

My luck got even worse as Matt chose that exact moment to walk out into the gym. Just great! Why isn't something else going wrong right now? I thought to myself.

"What's going on?" he asked. Then he noticed the man in the cloak. "Oh, now I see."
Grey-cloak man, you need to up your stealth when watching the youngsters.

Quote :
Finally, the man reached us. I instinctively balled my hand into a fist and said as calmly as I could, "Who are you and what do you want?"
The man stared at her a moment. "I want to send you to a war-torn 3rd world country. Interested?"

Quote :
The man chuckled and threw the hood of his cloak back, revealing his face. I gasped. I had seen that face many, many times. He said, "I think you know why I'm here now, but don't get excited yet. I don't want to alert anyone to my presence."
Why would he look exactly like his actor? How can this be a universe where the movies/books/Tolkien exist AND Arda?

Quote :
Rachelle shakily asked me, "Gen, who is this man?"
"I think he's that old gay actor dude from England," said Rachelle.

"Don't diss Sir Ian McKellen!" Matt interjected. "He my first lo-" then he stopped, face bright red, and muttered, "Wait, I'm supposed to be your love interest, aren't I? Sorry."
Quote :
"He's...he's Gandalf the White. Right?" I said, my voice trembling from the shock.

"Yes, child, I am. And now time is of the essence. You and your companions must follow me, as your parents are expecting you." he answered.
Gandalf, you dirty old man.

Quote :
"My parents?"

"Yes, your parents: Manwe and Varda, King and Queen of the Valar."
Wow, for being immaterial gods they sure got busy. I think this means the protagonist was crushing on her brother.

And that's the first chapter.

Writing style: Not horrible, but nothing special about it.
Elvish: There hasn't been any to get wrong yet.
Canon: Automatic Fail.
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PostSubject: Re: Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods   Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods EmptyWed Jun 01, 2011 6:15 pm

Another self-insert Sue invades Middle Earth. How original. Yawn.

At least her reviews aren't a pile of squee.
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PostSubject: Re: Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods   Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods EmptyThu Jun 02, 2011 8:13 am

Quote :
Cute. It's like Jennifer except spelled weird.

Sadly not confined to badfic, either. Real life example:

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
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PostSubject: Re: Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods   Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods EmptyFri Jun 03, 2011 12:52 am

I thought this kind of Mary Sue had gone out of style around 2004.

It seems I was mistaken.
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PostSubject: Re: Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods   Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods EmptyFri Jun 03, 2011 2:17 am

Quote :
We performed a play every year; sometimes two.

One a year is NOT a lot. Even rehearsing only one night a week, we generally manage to stage a play in about 4-5 months' time. We always do at least two plays a year at the very minimum, and sometimes more than that. It can't be a very good group if they usually manage only one.

Quote :
...I was fourteen and he was sixteen. To top it all off, he had a girlfriend. I have the worst luck in the world.

You're very unlikely to meet the love of your life at fourteen. There'll be others. There were probably others before him. Get over it.

Quote :
As my eyes strayed around the gym that we were performing in, I saw a figure standing in the back. He wore a dark grey cloak, and that was all I could make out of him. I immediately grew wary...Dismissing that, I slowly backed away as the curtains closed.

You immediately grew wary, and then you dismissed it barely a heartbeat later? O...kay.

Quote :
Erika was desperately trying to brush gray powder out of her hair...

If this was the last production, you should have gone through this for every other production, as well as the dress and tech rehearsals! It shouldn't still be that difficult.

Quote :
I saw the man in the grey cloak walk slowly over to us. That caught my attention, and I pointed him out to the others, "You see that guy in the cloak over there? I think he's watching us."

D'you reckon?? D'you think he might have come to see the play? Wouldn't that be odd?

Quote :
"I'm sure of it. I didn't see him the whole play, and then there he was at curtain call! I don't like it." I replied.

If you were watching the audience closely enough to take note of who was and wasn't there before and after the curtain call, then you weren't doing your job properly.

Quote :
My luck got even worse as Matt chose that exact moment to walk out into the gym.

You've just done a play. You're likely be feeling pretty good right now. So why the hell would your luck get "even worse"? That implies that it was bad to begin with, yet after the last few scenes it seemed it was quite good. So how does that work??

Quote :
Finally, the man reached us. I instinctively balled my hand into a fist and said as calmly as I could, "Who are you and what do you want?"

A man walks up to you openly, after a play, and the first thing you think of is violence? I bet you're a really nice person. You know, it's possible he was walking up to you to say "well done".

I won't comment on the rest of the story because just about everything that needs to be said already has been.
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PostSubject: Re: Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods   Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods EmptyFri Jun 03, 2011 3:29 am

Cunovendus wrote:
Quote :
...I was fourteen and he was sixteen. To top it all off, he had a girlfriend. I have the worst luck in the world.

You're very unlikely to meet the love of your life at fourteen. There'll be others. There were probably others before him. Get over it.

While this is true, I still find that to be the most believable moment so far. At fourteen, you might actually feel you'll never love anyone ever again, and this guy being unavailable is the end of the world. Such is the nature of fourteen-year-olds.
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PostSubject: Re: Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods   Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods EmptyFri Jun 03, 2011 11:41 am

The Scientist wrote:
I thought this kind of Mary Sue had gone out of style around 2004.

It seems I was mistaken.
I wish you weren't mistaken. I just returned to FF.Net, and discovered that the place is full of good ol' fashioned bamfing and lots of horny demigods. This is only the first one I laid eyes on.

It's only going to get worse. The release date for The Hobbit has been set.
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PostSubject: Re: Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods   Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods EmptyFri Jun 03, 2011 11:46 am

I used to poke fun at these fics a lot back in the hey-day, but it got really repetitive, so I gave up sometime in 2005-ish. I must have imagined people moving on from that.

Well, it's a good thing that The Hobbit is approaching, as I am, once again, in the mood to ridicule half-goddess/Elf Suethor self inserts who have to save Middle Earth.

Keep the goods comin', boys and girls. Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods 831506
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PostSubject: Re: Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods   Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods EmptyFri Jun 03, 2011 1:45 pm

Quote :
A man walks up to you openly, after a play, and the first thing you think of is violence? I bet you're a really nice person. You know, it's possible he was walking up to you to say "well done".

I can't help but think that Gennifer has been stabbing a lot of people out of fear of them walking up. I can just see her working at a store someplace.

Old Lady: Exuse me dear but could you help me find-
Gennifer: AHHH!!! DEMON!!! YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL ME AREN'T YOU!
Old Lady: -the coffee
Gennifer: Lane 5. BUT I KNOW YOU'RE REALLY TRYING TO KILL ME!
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PostSubject: Re: Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods   Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods EmptySun Jun 05, 2011 2:36 pm

I_Lam_Edhellen wrote:

Quote :
Rachelle shakily asked me, "Gen, who is this man?"


"I think he's that old gay actor dude from England," said Rachelle.

"Don't diss Sir Ian McKellen!" Matt interjected. "He my first lo-" then he stopped, face bright red, and muttered, "Wait, I'm supposed to be your love interest, aren't I? Sorry."

I died. :D
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PostSubject: Re: Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods   Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods EmptyTue Jun 07, 2011 10:28 am

Quote :
"Yes, your parents: Manwe and Varda, King and Queen of the Valar."
She's the daughter of WHO? That would make her a Vala as well.

I doubt she'd go unnoticed. Ya know, what with her parents both being GODS, with completely unnatural visages and able to shape the world like silly putty?
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PostSubject: Re: Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods   Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods EmptyTue Jun 07, 2011 10:40 am

If this story was any more of a disaster, the Red Cross would be setting up relief tents right about now.
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PostSubject: Re: Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods   Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods EmptyWed Jun 15, 2011 12:26 pm

So, after getting a few bad reviews, she decided to change one little detail:
Quote :
"Yes, your mother: Melian, a Maia and the wife of Elu Thingol. You are her daughter."
That's not much better.

Yes, Melian does have the equipment to have children, but she only had one. Even if she did have another with Thingol, it makes no sense for Melian to banish the child to another world. This child wouldn't be a goddess either, she'd be an Elf, like her father. Even if she's a very powerful one, she wouldn't be able to achieve magic greater than what an Elf can achieve. Also, at fourteen she'd look like a 6-year old child, if she is an Elf. Elven children would have a lot of difficulty passing for human children in this day and age, where your life is kept track of, especially through childhood.

/ranting

Quote :
I stepped back in shock. Here comes this weird old guy in old-timey clothes telling my best friend her paents aren't her real parents? I was just about ready to punch the guy in the face!
Wait,
Quote :
Chapter 2: WHAT?

Erika
I guess I know what the random name at the beginning was about now.

Quote :
"Wait a minute, here. Just wait a minute," I intervened, "You come waltzing in here in weird clothes and tell me that her mother and father are not her mother and father? Who are you, why are you here, and are you a crazy psycho that does this all the time? Cause if you are I am going to punch you in the face, pull you up, and punch you, AGAIN!" By this point, Hanna had to give me look that said, "Don't over react again, or I will take away your staah of chocolate." That was the one thing I was obesessed with, chocolate. I loved it almost as much as...wait a minute!
That is some serious crazy. She's getting way too much detail from glances.

Also, fron the previous chapter:
Quote :
Erika was desperately trying to brush gray powder out of her, normally chocolate brown, hair.
I sense a theme with this character...

Quote :
"You...You're from Lord of the Rings, aren't you?" I said.
Yes. You just called Sir Ian McKellen a crazy psycho. It's going to make asking him for an autograph much more difficult.

Quote :
The old guy nodded. Gennifer was still standing there, a look of utter shock on her face. Then, she crumpled to the ground, her eyes glazing over. Lucky for her, Matt caught her before she touched the ground.

Hanna and I instantly grabbed her and smacked her in the face. She immediately came to.
Yeah, punching unconscious people makes them wake right the hell up. Especially if you punch them in the face.

Quote :
"Wha...?" I guess that we should have expected that.

"Gen, face reality. Lord of the Rings isn't real.
You just happened to meet Sir Ian McKellen in character, you need to cherish this moment like a proper fangirl.

Quote :
This old guy is probably a stalker that needs to be locked up. Zack, could you punch him in the face for me?"
Zack glanced at Matt, and the two blushed madly. "But... but... It's SIR Ian McKellen! How could I possibly, I mean, I'm not fit to... Sir, can I have your autograph?"

Quote :
Hanna was just barely containing her anger as she spoke. I can honestly say I was shocked by how calm she sounded, which wasn't often. She was more explosive than Mt. Etna!
That's pretty explosive. Watch out Zack, I don't think these chicks have your healthy appreciation of older men.

Quote :
Zack stepped up to Gandalf and was about to punch him, when Gandalf touched his forehead. Zack took one look at him and said, "Oh...my...god.
Marry me!"

"Wait!" Matt shouted. "What about me?"

"One night stand then?"

Quote :
Hanna this guy is telling the truth. I saw it with my own eyes. He can take us there."

Gennifer stood up shakily, and Matt rushed to grab her. She batted him away and walked up to Gandalf. "You can do this?" she asked. I knew that Gennifer loved everything Lord of the Rings related; she still has a rubbing of Tolkien's gravestone! And I knew above all, that she would do anything to go to Middle-Earth, right? I really need to polish up on this stuff.
Anything to go to a war-torn 3rd world continent. ANYTHING.

Quote :
Anyway, Gandalf solemnly said, "Yes. But there is one condition. At least one of your friends must go with you. I must warn you,though. If you choose to go there, you can never come back. If you perish there, you cannot come back here. If you stay, you will never be able to journey to Middle-Earth. No matter what you do, you will be tied to the world that you choose. I will give you a few moments to think, but not very long. You must reach a decision, and quickly."
To me this is a no-brainer.

Quote :
As we took in the shock of those words, I reached my decision. I was going to stand by my friend. I'd known her the longest, I had stood by her through thick and thin, and I wasn't about to leave her to stay in my...my...oh whatever you call it!

"I'm going." This was possibly going to turn out good, but I knew that I was changing my life forever.
Like I said, a no-brainer.

So, all of Sue's friends come along echoing almost exactly the scene from FotR. Yawn.

Quote :
Gandalf nodded. "You have all made a wise choice. Now, we must go. Follow me." He turned around and walked five steps. Then he held his hand up, muttered something under his breath, and we all stared in awe as a swirling blak hole appeared out of nowhere. Gen leaped in without any hesitation. Rachelle and Matt soon followed. Hanna said, "Here goes nothing." and jumped, with her brother right on her tail. Gandalf gestured for me to go in. I took a deep breath, and took a complete leap of faith.
*groan*

Galu!
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PostSubject: Re: Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods   Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods EmptyWed Jun 15, 2011 1:55 pm

Quote :
Galu!
Is that Elvish for "for fuck's sake..."? I really hope so...
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PostSubject: Re: Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods   Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods EmptyWed Jun 15, 2011 2:15 pm

Dixie wrote:
Quote :
Galu!
Is that Elvish for "for fuck's sake..."? I really hope so...
Actually, it's a good luck wish.

Good luck with the badfic!
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PostSubject: Re: Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods   Elberethien, Daughter of the Gods EmptyFri Jul 01, 2011 10:19 pm

You! Teenagers whom have never had to hunt for food or kill in defense! Or really do anything that would be important in our world come to think of it.... YOU ARE OUR LAST HOPE!
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