Enduring Love: Breaking Dawn of the Mass Effect universe

Enduring Love by Siha Krios

What can I say...

Deep Wang!

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"Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence" ~Vincent van Gogh

Oh, fuck you.

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The wind was cool as it passed over him, the sun warmed him.

And he shattered from the two temperature extremes. The end.

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The sound of the grasses on the high cliff whispered their reply to the softly crashing waves on the beach below in the eternal forbidden love between land and sea.

It's not called Forbidden Love. It's called The Beach. Add alcohol and you get sex... on the beach.

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As his mandibles spread in as smile at the thoughts, or dreams, or memory of a dream, the ground became harder and cold.

So... Nihilus smiled and Edward got hard.

And then he has a bad trip and wakes up in a... place.

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His head pounded as if it would break. His heart ached as if it has never pumped blood. He felt weak and lifeless and his lungs stung when he took breath from the air. His body screamed it's protests as he sat up on the hard, cold surface on which he lay. His fingers felt numb as they dumbly attempted to grasp the edge of the table.

Translation: Nihilus woke up feeling like crap. And it's good to know that Siha has kept to her habit of fucking up the tense of the sentence so that it reads like someone transcribed some creepy five year old retelling Romeo and Juliet in SPACE!

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He swung his legs slowly over the ledge and looked around to see where he was, for it was not where he was a moment ago.

Hark! I hath been moved from my afore remembered place of death! I doth have a wonder what has transpired to warrant such an act.

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He heard breathing that wasn't his own and turned his head in that direction. A woman, human, with dark, piercing eyes that knew him in a creamy face with a halo of white hair.

When did Nihilus ever wear a Guinea Pig costume?

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Her coral lips quivered above her stubborn chin. He would have called her 'angel' if not for the black uniform and yellow insignia that matched the symbol on the walls. His throat felt dry and weak when he tried to speak. The question came as a horse whisper that sounded gutturally from within him.

"Who... Who are you? Do... you... know me?"

"I do know you, Nihlus. I know you well." She answered. She answered.

What the hell is up with the extremely formal speech? This is like someone reenacting Die Hard in Olde English.

"I say to thee, Yippie-Ki-Yay, man whom has had carnal relations with thine own mother!"

So, after a whole 'nother paragraph of nonsense, we finely get to something pertinent.

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"How long...?" He croaked. He could feel her tears wet his neck.

"Five years. There were... complications." She whispered.

Five years? Lemmie guess, the complications were the Reapers who attacked about a year after your foray into Collector territory?

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"Is everything... in tact?" He teased.

"Yes." She scoffed, smiling and wiping the tears from her eyes as she pulled away. "Is that all you can think to say after for years?"

CONTINUITY!!

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"I am still working with Cerberus, but the Normandy and her crew destroyed the Collectors long ago." She paused, searching his face and stared intently into his eyes. "The Reapers crossed out of Dark Space and slowly began what they meant to with Saren along the outer regions of the Terminus Systems. That was only a year ago. Since then the Citadel has been destroyed. The Council finally believed what I'd been telling them. They voted it to be a way to keep them from infiltrating the core of Citadel space, should they be able to reactivate the station. The Council is in hiding. The Alliance and Cerberus help each other, but remain separate forces. The Council races are working with the other species, including the raccni and the geth. 'The enemy of my enemy is my friend'. We're still fighting. We've lost worlds. Earth was hit hard. As was Palavan and the asari worlds. There aren't many humans left."

O.o
I think we skipped over a much better fic. But wait... the last time we saw Sheptard, she was calibrating Garrus' main gun. I foresee drama ahead.

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Hours of tests after Shepard left him to the science team assigned to his resurrection and well being, Nihlus emerged a little stronger, sorer, and feeling a bit violated.

Is Wrex the acting proctologist now?

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"I love you." He purred, tentatively caressing her face.

She smiled faintly at him. Her eyes seemed to search him for something he couldn't get a feel for.

"I love you too, but..."

"But in my sorrow, I slept with another man. He and I have not seen each other for almost a year. Will you forgive me?"

See how easy that is?

But, no. We get emotionally stunted mouth-breathing, butt-whistlers who have even less coping skills than a three year old getting their candy taken away.

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In the dim light he saw the subtle scars on her body that were not from battle or from him. She had bonded with another turian! The realization angered him and he turned his back to her and glared at the wall.

"How could she?" He thought. "She was mine! She is mine! But I was dead. I might not have come back. Can I really expect her to have remained alone and deny herself love and happiness if she found it? Where..."

Que the sound of a dog growling over his bone, then stopping to ponder the bone's feelings. The author makes the same sound as she's pulling the plot out of her ass. Coincidence?

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"I have not seen him since I left him in charge of the Normandy to come here. It has been many months." She answered with a sigh.

He rolled over quickly then, his peridot eyes blazing in the dark.

"Who did you leave in charge of the Normandy, Shepard?" He asked, unable to hide the anger from his voice.

Sonya rolled over to face him, fear and pain in her eyes. He knew the answer before she told him.

"Garrus Vakarian."

Garrus Vakarian... the same turian, I might add that Nihilus had vowed to himself would be the best candidate for staying by Sheptard's side if anything ever happened to him. It helps to re-read your own drivel, Siha. Again... CONTINUITY!!

Nihilus loses it... for no real reason and tears off toward the bathroom. The most logical place to go when in emotional turmoil. Truefax.

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A turian with his face was destroying her bathroom.

I...



I have no words for this.

Moving on.

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Glass shattering, metal pipes being torn from the walls and ceramic tiles cracking.

Where has the subject gotten off to?

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As afraid as she had been of his sudden temper, though she could understand his anger, hearing him express such pain and sorrow tore at her as viciously as if he had ripped his talons through her and not the pillows and mattress. She tired to burry her own sobs in what remained of her pillow.

I still don't understand why Nihilus is having his little episode. Didn't he screw everything with at least one hole in the two years that Sheptard was dead? So why is he so distraught that she slept with only one man?

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Hours later she woke face down in a tear soaked cotton wad.

Ew...

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She opened the doors without knocking. Icy water rushed out, released from the metal damn that had held back the flood.

So... Nihilus was swimming in cold water all night long. I thought turians hated the cold.

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Nihlus sat on the floor with his back in the corner wedged between the sink and the wall on the far side of the room. He hugged his knees close to his chest and rested his head against them. His shoulders expanded and contracted in slow steady rhythm with his breathing. It killed her to see him like this.

Siha has made Nihilus, once well adjusted and successful Spectre, into a bawling pussy a breath away from painting his nails black and listening to Moresey.

And then she beats him with a pipe so she can take him to the infirmary.

Cool story, bro.

Chapter 4: Overheard

Sounds like an Avril Lavine song.

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"So he knows."

"Yes."

"Apparently that didn't go so well."

"No. It didn't. What was you're first clue, Mr. Obvious?"

His proper rank is Captain. And who the hell are we talking to?

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"Hey, don't take this out on me. You're lucky I'm here for you to yell at. Do you know what the Reapers are doing out there? Nothing we've found in that damned Collector base has... I shouldn't have said that. I know you have to be here and that you had to do what you felt you needed to. I'm sorry."

What are you sorry about. And who are we talking to? For all I know Sheptard is speaking to the voice of Seamus in her head as she slowly takes over her brain like a Starship Troopers 2 body snatcher.

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"Garrus... I... I don't know. I'm so torn. I love you... but I thought he'd never come back. I... I still love him, too. I..."

The sound of soft sorrow echoed quietly in the dim light of the med-bay.

'The sounds of soft sorrow...' What does soft sorrow sound like? And who are making these sounds? The only person's name mentioned is Garrus and I still don't know who was saying what and now I remember why I hate this fic all over again.

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"He should be ready to move by tomorrow. His recovery is coming along fine. We keep him sedated so he doesn't try anything rash. Are you sure you want to bring him on board the Normandy? He isn't mentally sound enough to enter battle."

"We have no choice. We need him."

"This station is fully armed. If we're discovered, we can defend ourselves."

"Against the Reapers?"

"He's safer here than on the front lines."

"Maybe we should let him stay. I'll come back with you. There isn't anything I can do here. He'll need time before we can talk again."

Who is saying what? Where am I? What the hell am I doing?

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The ground rocked hard enough to throw him from the bed, taking the sheets and tubes with was a rude awakening indeed to have the needles ripped from his body by such harsh means.

I challenge you to figure out what the hell this sentence means.

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His attention snapped to the doors ahead of him as someone burst into the room.

"Nihlus! We have go get to the Normandy, Now!"

Oh, hi random person bursting through fixtures like the Kool-Aid guy.

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Garrus stood in the door way, his face was stern and his mandibles were flush along his jaw.

Cock Fight!

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Modern biotics had replaced the white bandage like apparatus that had held his face together in the past.

Um, in this context, that word does not mean what you think it means, Siha. Have you forgotten what Biotics are in Mass Effect or are there snappily dressed people with use of Mass Effect fields holding his face together. If so, how the hell does he go to the bathroom?

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"You!" He growled. "You have taken everything form me! Give me a reason I should not kill you and die with these humans!"

"We don't have time for this! Common!" Garrus shouted back, waving his arm.

"The galaxy is out of time! We failed!" Nihlus retorted.

"We are not dead! We have not failed! Kill me if you have to, but do it on the Normandy!" Garrus shot back.

"Where's Shepard?"

"On the Normandy waiting for us! Move!" Garrus answered and turned to leave.

So how long has Nihilus been sitting around this station in the ass crack of nowhere? And how did the Reapers just stumble upon them? The galaxy isn't that small.

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The ground shook. Dust fell from the ceiling with chunks of tile. The boom of weapons fire from the station's main guns vibrated the walls. He didn't look back to see if Nihlus was still behind him. He ran the halls, passing panicked Cerberus employees and lab assists. Finally the air lock came into view. The doors hissed open and he ran inside. Shepard stood behind the cockpit waiting.

And, like a boss, Garrus just leaves all the helpless lemmings to die. Wow.

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Cerberus was good at the medical stuff. He had to give them that. You could hardly tell where the scars were. The thought made him wonder just how hard the Illusive Man had worked on the cure for the drell. Probably none at all considering Thane's remark on the Collector Base. TIM wasn't one to easily forgive and forget.

Woah... wait! That's all? That's the only thing you're going to say about Thane? That the Illusive Man is a cunt and takes his toys away when someone makes him mad?

Dude! Siha slept with Thane, then bopped over to Garrus and will now back herself into God knows who in her quest to have every man soothe her hurt with their penis. You'd think she would at least show some remorse over Thane's death other than, 'Oh, yea! Thane's dead because he had his head screwed on straight. So sad... welp... on with this travesty!'

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It wouldn't be easy, but if he was quick and they were lucky, the upgrades to the FTL drives wouldn't blow them all to hell when he punched the ignition.

Since when was FTL experimental?

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"Common. Let's get you to a bed. You need to lay down." Shepard soothed.

"I'm not... going... anywhere with you!" Nihlus sneered between pants.

Who hung their laundry out to dry in the halls again!

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"You don't know what she's gone through. Garrus kept her going after you died. He makes her happy. Hell, he make her laugh! Even with everything that's going on. She still loves you, though. There's nothing saying that's wrong or that you can't still love her. Maybe it's time to set aside ideas like relationships that can only involve two people that love each other. Why can't three people love each other? If the galaxy survives the Reapers attempt to purge it of all life, it may be a step to a new world. We will need the variety and growth such families would provide. If we don't, then their's no time for selfishness. It's true tuians and human can't reproduce, but for now it's the idea that matters. Just think about it. Now, I'm going to go over to the kitchen and get a bite to eat. Do you want anything?"

Thank you, Dr. Chakwas for that soothing, yet nonsensical foray into Polyamory. The question wasn't about them popping out kids. It was about them not tearing each other apart long enough to get to the sexytiems.

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Nihlus stared at her in disbelief of the words that had just come out of her mouth and shook his head. The very idea was against everything he believed in when it came to a bonded relationship, and he certainly didn't intend on being with another man. He didn't think that's what she meant, but the idea of seeing another male with his mate and willingly sharing her with him was unacceptable. But as the hours rolled by and he slowly regained his strength, he thought about the doctors words and they started to make since. He didn't have to be there. He didn't have to witness it, though he would smell it. Could he deal with that if it was the only way he could be with her? It was a question he would have to find an answer to.

Forget the Reapers! We need sex in isle Normady, STAT!

Didn't I say this was going to turn into an OTInfinity?

An unspecified amount of time later...

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Nihlus sat on one side of Sonya on the sofa in the Loft, while Garrus sat on the other. The Normandy was hiding inside an asteroid until the FTL drives had time to cool.

Awkward. Also, do you mean they had to discharge their drive core? If so, your doing it wrong!

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The path to the Council and Alliance base was a convoluted mess in order to make it difficult to be tracked or followed. It was one of many.

Are you counting this story as a convoluted mess? I am.

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It was still difficult to look at her without thinking of her being intimate with Garrus and Thane and feeling negatively about it, but in his heart he had found a way to forgive her. Forgetting would take time, but he could understand. He had been with many more, but he had not loved them.

500 credits says that Nihilus' little revelation will be forgotten in a few chapters and he will revert to being a butt-hurt little bitch.

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After sitting there for nearly two hours of silence under Garrus' hard glare and Sonya's flabbergasted stair, any answer would have been better than to continue in that mannar.

For two hours? They just stare at each other for two hours? Perhaps they're trapped under Sheptard's stairs that keep falling on everyone when no one is talking.

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Finally the quiet was broken, but it wasn't the person he'd expected to speak first, nor was the answer what he'd assumed would come out of their mouth.

"Okay. We can try it, if it's alright with my mate."

Wonderful! Now, who said what, now?

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A few hours later Nihlus appeared in her doorway with a bottle in hand.

Is this revenge for the pipe upside his head?

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Nihlus ran the back of his talons down her arm from her shoulder to her elbow and gazed up at her longingly.

Too bad.

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"Well my life has been pretty dead lately." He replied.

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Sonya smirked at him and dropped a brow.

You might want to have Chakwas take a look at that. Loosing random body parts isn't normal, unless Sheptard is now modular.

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"Well, merc activity has dropped off the charts. That's one nice thing the Reapers have done. ..."

Priorities. They are not where they should be.

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He shook his head again, then a light seemed to go off in his mind and the expression on his face changed to an amalgamation of so many things, she wasn't sure whether to run and hide or shoot him, or hold him.

"You traded the base for my life, so they would bring me back... didn't you?"

Again with the partial facial paralysis. And two points for smarts go to Nihilus for figuring this out. Minus fifty for it taking seven chapters of pissing contests.

And then... oh no!

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The protective folds moistened to allow his erection. The mingling of new and familiar set a fire in his gut and a hardness that was already forcing through the folds wet enough to stain a patch on his pants.

My eyes!

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"I love it when you get all wet for me." She purred.

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"Oh, does kitty like that?" She asked in a low, sultry tone.

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She rose from the bed and went to the clock by the bed. A few buttons later and a soft, rhythmic beat filled the room with erotic vibrations. She didn't sway her hips or dance like a girl in a bar, but as the her fingers trailed down her body un-zipping the suit and standing completely still with her eyes held steady on him...

Do you see the pain I am going through! Do you see? I wish I couldn't!

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His erection was blue with carnal rage.

...

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Her back arched, fully exposing her lonely breasts.

And the... ugh... scene finishes up with exposition straight out of Yu-Gi-Oh if the cards battled like LA Blue Girl.

Excuse me... I need to purge.

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Her back arched, fully exposing her lonely breasts.

All by my seeeeeeeeeeelf...

Lonelyy... I'm Mr Lonelyyyyyyy...


Yeah, I could go on, but I'll spare you.

Oh god.

'His erection was blue with carnal rage.'

That's the most hilarious thing I've read all week. I'm torn between wishing she wouldn't try writing erotic scenes ever again or hoping she writes more golden lines like that.

Dr. Quinzel wrote:

Oh god.

'His erection was blue with carnal rage.'

That's the most hilarious thing I've read all week. I'm torn between wishing she wouldn't try writing erotic scenes ever again or hoping she writes more golden lines like that.

Oh... she goes further. So much further...

Chapter 8: Aspects of Love

Breakfast Edition!

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The two turians sat across from each other at breakfast.

Awkward...

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Nihlus nodded a silent thanks to Garrus for letting him have the night with her.

What, are they now dividing up their days with her? That smacks creepily of them paying for her services.

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There were only two way it could end, in Garrus' mind. A strange sort of communal trio of overs, which gave him the willies, or blood shed and some one leaving the Normandy... one way or another.

Overs give me the willies, too. Especially when I don't know what over the over is going over. Overwhelming really.

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It didn't help to smell her on the turian across from him and know pretty much what had happened. But the 'favor' would be returned in a few days, then he would see just how willing Nihlus was to continue this charade.

Dude! It's not that hard to chuck a bar of soap between your plates and scrub the stench of Sheptard discharge off of your ass! Jeez! Ether Garrus' schnoz is like a bloodhound's or Nihilus hasn't bathed in weeks.

And charade? Really? Way to throw your hand, Siha.

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Sonya hung over the railing of the galaxy map platform looking down at the winding route they were taking to get to the rendezvous that would take them to the Council.

The CIC is not a playground, Sheptard. You can't use the railings like monkey bars.

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He always thought it made her ass look amazing when she did that, not that it didn't any other time, but looking up the ramp so see that staring back at him was just, mmm, too much.

Her ass... is staring at him? Sheptard... you forgot your pants... again.

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His mandibles fluttered. He could smell her, but he could also smell the other.

Bathe! Soap, water, scrubbing! It's not that hard!

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I was about monogamy.

Freudian slip. Must be all the splooge on the floor.

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It was something his father had taught him was right. Of course his father believed in a very ridged set of rules and if it couldn't be done the C-Sec way, it shouldn't be done at all.

So... C-Sec has rules on relationships? ok...

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His thoughts were distracted when Sonya 'accidentally' rubbed her breast against his hand on the rail to 'get a closer look' at the map.

*Cough*Bullshit*Hack*

But Siha hasn't finished with making loved characters into ass-hats, so Garrus walks away like a boss and Sheptard follows him to the bar where she interrogates him by throwing ice cubes at his face.

Apparently it's been a few days since Nihilus laid pipe and Garrus doesn't want to drill in another man's well. Even though we have been given absolutely no reason to believe that he felt anything other than apathy over this...

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She was his drug and he needed a fix.

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She was offering it, un-wrapping the package in that slow, motionless way with her 'I want you, NOW' stair.

Can't breathe! Crushed by stairs!

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Hard, fast, wild sex soiled the counter top and they both got their 'fix', but his satisfaction would come later when she would have to prove to him that he was not the second choice.

Blue balls... are quite literal in this case.

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Reapers had been detected in the area and the Normandy sought shelter in yet another asteroid, powered down except for vital systems like Life Support.

Not content to rip off the entire Mass Effect series, Siha starts plagiarizing Star Wars as well.

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Several members of the crew found other things to do, other ways to keep warm. Precautions were a must quietly enforced by the doctor. People would need to procreate, but not until the threat was removed.

I suspect that the first industry to come back from the brink will be the kinky bondage industry. They must be rolling in credits from all the ball gags sold.

And of course... Nihilus wants to share a space heater with Sheptard... because we need more gratuitous sex.

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They undressed quickly and dove under the thermal sheets and comforter, leaving their suits laying over the desk.

Subtle...

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When she woke the heat was suffocating. At some point in the night Garrus had climbed into the bed on the other side of her.

Ouch! Talk about sleeping with a couple of belt sanders.

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To see them both in her bed at once was as flattering as it was frightening.

But isn't that what you wanted? I thought the whole point of this fic was to make a wobbly H with Sheptard in the middle?

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He always did like a mourning love session...

On top of the casket, during the wake, of course.

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"The Reapers aren't going away." Garrus sighed. "They probably know we're here. We could all die before the end. I don't intend to waste a second of my time with you over 'rights' to who should be the one to be with you. You love me and I you. Nihlus is my friend, though we don't always get along. There's no point or time to be bitter. I won't loose you to my selfishness."

Admirable. Want to guess how long it will take for the wangst to ooze back into the relationship?

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"What are yo...?"

Nihlus answered when he pressed his forehead to Garrus'. Garrus pulled back and moved away, nearly falling out of the bed.

"Oh no, no. I'm not going that far!"

"I would do anything for love! But I won't do that!"

Yea... and the Reapers are forgotten while they screw. Again. Together.

Then the Reaper disappears in a black hole of Deus Ex Machina and the couple... wait. Truple, yea. The Truple show up in the CIC and Nihilus has taken command away from Sheptard in 8 chapters flat.

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He didn't care who answered. He wasn't about to bow to any command other than Shepard's, maybe.

Maybe.

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"I hate that guy." Joker said.

That wasn't ripped off from the beginning of the first game, at all!

And Joker is now a retard.

Moving on.

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"Captain Shepard, it's good to see you and your crew are well."

The asari Councillor greeted her as she centered herself to them.

I can only assume the first sentence was spoken by the asari Councilor. Although, knowing Siha, disembodied voices float around secret places all the time without anyone giving a crap.

Anyway, nothing has changed. The turian Councilor still has a stick up has ass and Sheptard finds it more productive to goad him than to save the galaxy.

I will spare you the dialog. Nothing is decided other than Sheptard and Anderson having tea. Yea.

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She'd seen a few caves on Earth after she joined the Alliance. Nothing there compared to this. The smell wasn't so different, musky, mineral and oddly colors were extraordinary.

Oddly colors are extraordinary? Who knew.

And tense is dead. Just a heads up.

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Sonya put her face in her free hand and gave Garrus' hand a squeeze. She cared little of what others thought of her, but she cared a great deal what David thought. It was obvious to her that her 'dad' wasn't prepared to accept this new life style. When he returned with cups of tea he had a surprise for her.

Sonya... I am your real father!

Sorry, sorry.

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"Sonya, I don't have to understand it or agree with it. Like I said before, if it makes the three of you happy..." David glance at his two 'son-in-law's, "Then you two had better take good care of her, and each other."

That's good?

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"Just keep it down." He teased.

Thank you for killing Anderson for me.

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"Please, after this," He waved his hand at the small table, "Just call me dad."

Argh! That's not their relationship at all! I feel so dirty!

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"Who votes we use this opportunity to 'settle in'?" Sonya asked with a smirk.

Dude! Your 'dad' just hands you the keys to his house and the first thing you do is fuck on his furniture? I would at least raid the fridge first. I mean, it's downright tradition!

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Caves have a tendency to echo, so they kept it as quiet as they could.

Not reading anymore... I still need my eyes for work tomorrow...

*Reads ahead*

Chapter 12: Happiness

Apparently, happiness is being totally beside yourself while exploring an asteroid obviously ripped off from the Tardis.

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But Sonya rather enjoyed the opportunity to explore the caves. The first few were full of pre-fabs with survivors from the Citadel and countless colonies.

So... apparently this asteroid is so large that survivors from 'countless colonies' can live without packing the caves with tents and soup kitchens.

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Deeper in the caves were left in peace to minimize destruction of the natural formations.

And apparently there's a conservation effort going on. How noble. Good thing that there isn't an intergalactic fleet of living machines harvesting all life. Oh... wait.

You are made of stupid, author.

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It was a way of keeping hope that it would still be there, that the Reapers would be defeated.

You passed the idiotic event horizon, author.

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Nihlus, Garrus and herself alternated shifts so that one of them was on the Normandy helping with repairs. When one was there, the other was often with her, though she did sometimes explore on her own. Neither of them liked that she did that, in case something happened, but they couldn't stop her.

Whu?

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Today was one of those days were she was not alone, however. He liked to go with her, maybe more than the other did. Maybe he just liked to think so. The caves were just as interesting to him as there were to her. In a way they reminded him of the caves he used to play in as a child on Palavan. Now that his home world was practically a barren molten rock, thanks to the Reapers, it was even more of an incentive to eradicate those bastards from existence.

Who was holding Sheptard's leash?

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Garrus wrapped an arm around Sonya's waste as they looked on with wonder. She leaned against him with a quiet sigh.

Ugh. So when Garrus fondles Sheptard's trash she gets off.

Moving on.

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Work was coming along quickly, but not quickly enough. On top of that, the Council managed to get a hold of the technological read outs of the Collector base and all the information Cerberus had. Apparently Miranda had a change of allegiances since Cerberus refused to help her with her sister. Now she was a mole for the Alliance. The Normandy was at the top of the list to receive the new upgrades.

Ow... Focus, author! Focus!

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The time-off band was lifted to speed progress due to the additions.

Which was a relief because they had been playing Hamster Dance for the past two weeks!

Anyway, cut to the Truple having cabin fever on the Normandy then...

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The moss was soft and the stone it grew on was smooth with a subtle curve like a flattened bubbled.

Oh, we're back here... Ok.

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He could smell her musk and the tang in the air. He knew she was reading something on her data pad.

So, smelling like a week old gym sock means you're reading? Libraries have to be the most odiously offensive places on the planet.

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He chuckled. He knew too well her attraction to him to be taken by the bad lie.

Ever notice that I use this smiley almost constantly? It's what my face looks like right now.

Cue awkward sex scene. I won't subject you to it except that Nihilus gives her the gift of cuffs...

Yea.

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It was the best gift ever... except the Normandy of course. Everything was scheduled to be completed on the girl by evening the following day. She was tired and dirty as she left the hanger bay of the SR2 and headed for home and a shower.

Ship takes shower in own self, News at 11.

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Garrus met her at the bottom of the ramp, covered with his own filth, to walk with her.

Unintentional 'Happy as a pig in shit' joke in 3... 2... 1

Anyway, nothing of much worth is said as the two just walk to another building to shower.

Epic!

Quote :

Alarms sounded through out the cavern. The unmistakable boom of weapons fire on the surface of the small moon echoed through the air.

Either the Reapers are the luckiest sons-of-bitches in history or there is a neon sign on that asteroid big enough to see from... well... space!

Quote :

The Normandy shot out of the crack in the moon's surface like a bolt of lighting followed by every partially upgraded ship the Alliance and Council had available.

Wait... moon? I thought we were in an asteroid?

Or was that a 'hemorrhoid'? Might as well be if we are talking about flying out of cracks.

Quote :

"Why isn't it moving?" Joker asked allowed. "Why doesn't it just plow through us and use it's shields to destroy the fleet?"

"It's waiting for back up, it's a trap." Kryik stated calmly.

Obvious Star Wars reference is obvious.

Quote :

Then something teal and red caught her eye. Something that was waving and shouting her name. It was Kolyat.

Uh oh...

Anyway... they destroy the Reaper by going for the eyes... (Obvious Baldour's Gate reference is obvious) and then evacuate the Tardis shaped asteroid moon big giant thing when Sheptard spots Kolyat, Thane's son.

I smell a... lets see... a Truple plus one... a Fourple?

What ever.

Quote :

"Wait!" He shouted.

"Are you crazy!" Shepard shouted back.

"No, my wife, she's pregnant, but I can't carry her alone."

I know what your thinking, but this hypotenuse is ripe for the kill.

Quote :

"You know he's a boy?" She asked.

"Yes." Kolyat answered.

"Have you decided on a name?"

Rya glanced up at Kolyat. He smiled down at her, then back at Shepard with tears in his eyes.

"Thane, after my father."

Visions of Breaking Dawn and now I need to go throw up.

Quote :

"Can you believe we have Thane's son and grand child on board?" He asked.

"I wish he could have met her... and the baby." Sonya said softly.

But... but you just did!!!

Sleeping then...

Quote :

Her fingers trailed over his plates to find the leathery folds that hid his ever willing member. She teased lightly, rubbing him like she might rub another woman. He purred, unable to help himself.

"Mmm... does kitty like that?" She whispered.

Gah!! Warn someone before you dive right into... that.

Quote :

"Is there something wrong?" He asked "Are you ill?"

"No... " Her words trailed off. "I don't know how it's possible, but doctor Chakwas confirmed it before I came to bed last night."

Confirmed that you were possessed?

Quote :

"We're... the doc and I, We're 99% sure that..." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly."Well, we think I'm pregnant."

Bu... You know what? I am not going to say anything about the improbability of inter-species breeding. This isn't Star Trek!

Anyway... enter the Quarian Flotilla where we find Garrus and Tali acting like idiots. Then cue lunch. Yea, the Reapers aught to be impressed.

Quote :

It took months for all the upgrades to be completed.

Wait...

Stilted prose and drama. Meandering plot and almost no antagonist. Nonsensical relationship dynamics and vomit inducing imagery. And now, improbable pregnancy and time skips to cover for the fact that the author doesn't want to write about being pregnant.

Holy crap!

SMeyer is in Mass Effect!

EVACUATE!

Fuck off Braigwen

BRAIGWEN YOU ARE A GREEK

GO RIOT YOU GREEK PIECE OF SHIT

YOU ARE LOWER THAN THE DOG TURD ON MY SHOE

You need to wipe your feet before you walk into my thread.

Quote :

"We're... the doc and I, We're 99% sure that..." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly."Well, we think I'm pregnant."

What

No, really, that is just

I seriously have no words for how awful this is. I'm honestly terrified to read ahead.

Strap on your Dramamine dispensers and set your expressions to FacePalm! It's time for Baby-Daddy Drama!!

Chapter 16: Sparing

Because that isn't how we got here at all.

Quote :

There was no warning. No sensors detecting their approach. Even the geth were taken by surprise.

This fic is so bad it destroys entire fleets.

Quote :

Ships on all sides were lost in the initial attack before the new shields could be brought on line.

ZOMFG! It's like so dark because EVERYBODY DIES!

One thing I don't understand is how the Reapers constantly catch up to our plucky heroick and her harem of air-heads.

Quote :

It was almost as if the Reapers had simply appeared out of space itself.

The Reapers are Space-Farts?

Quote :

It was not an ability that had been displayed before.

Assuming you fought them before, you idiot!

Apparently the author finely saw the footage from E3 or something because Cerberus has suddenly changed it's colors and is whoring itself out to the Reapers. Don't ask why, just accept!

Quote :

"They're taking damage, but so are we." He told her.

Our health meter is down to 65%, Captain, and we've barely scratched their shields!

Quote :

"We've lost three geth ships since the shields went up, four quarian. The Neema is still in play. I'm pretty sure we've lost at lest one and the volis are down to one." Joker informed her.

If you've lost that many ships since the shields went up then the shields turned out to be pointless, didn't they? I thought the shields were upgraded to prevent this very thing from happening.

Quote :

"Give those bastards all we've got. The end of the Reapers begins today!"

She couldn't have known how right she was because in her own mind in was a lie to rally the troops.

What? You've barely got the plot going and you're wrapping the Reaper threat up this easily?

Quote :

Though many ships and many more lives were lost that day, Harbinger did not leave the battle field. It was an inspirational victory and the beginning of a hard war in what had begun as a harvest.

And that's it. The Reaper threat is dealt with in two sentences. All that build up over all those years that Bioware poured their money and time into? Pift! Sheptard took care of that with a couple of whacks with the Deus Ex Machina stick.

Way to piss all over the fandom you profess to love, tard.

Quote :

Recovering from the battle took days.

Quote :

The Council races as a whole lost ten ships. The rachni's forces were depleted by a third of their compliment and the geth totaled four ships to the list of destroyed.

So... the battle to defeat every single Reaper in the galaxy lost fewer ships than the battle with Sovereign?

Quote :

The Flotilla's numbers had been cut in half.

How nice, you just committed genocide, author.

Quote :

The Neema had been ripped apart. Few of the crew survived. Tali and Kal' Reager were among them.

Floating in space, waiting to see if they would be assigned to the dead or living. Because I can't tell if they survived.

Quote :

After the bodies were shot into the system's suns to prevent the remains from being used by the Reapers...

But didn't you just say you destroyed the Reapers? Because as ambiguous as that 'fight scene' was, I was under the impression that all the Reapers are dead.

Anyway, make room for the OT3. Nihilus comforts Sheptard until Garrus finely comes to bed.

Quote :

The next morning Sonya woke to find herself alone.

Excuse me while I laugh myself stupid. And there's even a 'Dear Jane' letter too.

Quote :

The note read thusly;

Sonya,

Garrus and I have run away together.

No hard feelings.

Nihilus.

Just kidding.

Quote :

Gone sparring. Will return soon.

Don't worry, we'll both come back alive.

Garrus

Mine was better.

Quote :

"Okay, bad joke, but still? You're wearing off the finish. Go down there. I'd bet money on it that it's just good old fashioned fun. Kelly's supposed to tell me who wins. There's a running bet. I've got my money on the Spectre! He was trained by Saren after all. Bein' a renegade on Omega doesn't compare to being best buds with the guy who was helping to destroy the galaxy and tried to shoot him in the head! I mean, how do you dodge a point black shot to the back of the head! That's gotta be worth something in the ring, right?"

One great big stinking infodump later...

Quote :

When she re-entered the ring wielding a weapon everyone hit the ground except the two bloody turians.

"Are you two done beating the holy fucking hell out of each other?"

The didn't answer. Nihlus attempted a throat punch and Garrus countered and dropped him with a leg sweep. Nihlus promptly sunk his teeth into Garrus' ankle.

"Guess that's a 'no'."

She fired the gun and froze both of them solid. They would be released from the ice in a few hours under a heat lamp, but until then they had time to 'cool off'.

Over reaction from hell.

Quote :

sorry for the pun, but I couldn't help it.

Chapter 17: Names

I will not puke.

Quote :

Garrus and Nihlus sat shivering on the sofa in her cabin wrapped up in thermal blankets and drinking a weak, hot tea. Sonya stood across from the, the low table and floating orb between them. Her belly had gotten bigger since the last time they saw her and she had a new scar above her right eye from a battle with the Reapers.

How long did she keep them in deep freeze?! Talk about procrastination!

Anyway, Sheptard completely emasculates the two turians in her cabin before making them kiss and make up.

Quote :

The turians looked at another and briefly nudged foreheads. Then returned to sulking over their tea.

Poor Garrus. He has to share his Commander with a zombie and an SMeyer wanna-be.

Quote :

"Because my family is one of hight standing. When the Reapers are defeated it will be the Vakarian house that will rebuild the empire!"

Turian society not work like that!

Then the OT3 name their hell-spawn. And it gets stupid...

Quote :

What about some kind of compromise?" Sonya offered. "Like...hummm, us...us.. rus, lus, Sontus? Sirrus? Niga'ya? Vekarrem David Kryik? Rihlus Vakarian?"

Renesmee? Is that you?

So, the next two chapters are full of worrying from Nihilus' point of view. (I see what you did there, author.) Nihilus gains access to Sheptard's medical records and finds out that he's a little more of a daddy than he thought. Which still perplexes me to all hell.

Anway... The Reapers attack again! Because apparently Sheptard didn't destroy them all... Even though the entire fight was wrapped up in two sentences and... Whatever!

DRAMA!

Quote :

He glared hard at the display readouts. The shield strength of the Reapers had increased, but the fire power had remained the same. There had to be a flaw.

"Joker, use the planet. Put it between the Reapers and as much of the armada as we can. EDI, run a full scan. I need a hole."

You need a hole? First off... I am impressed that she use the right kind of hole. Second, Nihilus' hole is in the med-bay.

Quote :

Joker felt like he was playing dodge ball and the other team wasn't playing by the rules.

Epic! An entire galaxy's fight for survival has been reduced down to a school yard brawl. Brilliant!

But that's not important! Sheptard is in labor!

Quote :

She felt as if her whole body was going to squeeze itself out of her skin.

I will leave this clip of FLCL...

Quote :

"Dilation?" Jeron asked.

"Eleven centimeters!" Chakwas shouted back.

I will spare you the birth scene. Suffice it to say that this ends as it began. With anatomically incorrect plastic figures in an oven whilst fluids of all types spray out of everywhere below the equator.

And as Sheptard's harem greets the newest abomination, we are treated to a montage of it growing up on the Normandy, asking awkward questions and being a little creepy for only a 6 year old.

Yes, the fic has skipped ahead six years and nothing has happened. Apparently, all that wrapping up of the Reaper threat was a fake out. And even Cerberus went and double crossed their double cross and are now supplying Sheptard with tech to fight the Reapers with. No explanation as to why or how or even how long this all took.

Sigh...

The last chapter...

Finely!

And two more years have passed.

Wait, what?

Way to phone it in, author.

Tali and Kal'Reeger die off screen. The Turian Councilor is an asshole and better still:

Quote :

Nihlus remained faithful to his odd family. Occasionally he and Garrus would hold a spar to release the anxiety they both felt. Each had grown tired of the life style, longing for something that was just their own, but it was unfair to the boy. So they took out their frustrations on each other, or the Reapers.

So much for remaining faithful.

Quote :

Nihlus, Garrus, Sonya and Taevus sat around the table in the mess.

EPIC!

Quote :

What was left of the armada was returning to the Citadel to rebuild process would take decades.

Quote :

Taevus was still too young, but his parents allowed him to tattoo his face.

Way to show off those parenting skills, Sheptard.

Then the kid has a heart to heart with his rents. All three of them. Christmas shopping has to be a bitch with this family.

Quote :

"I just wanted so say 'thanks' for taking me home, to Earth and Palavan I mean. I'm glad I'm different, that we are different, now that I've seen others that are part of me. I took for granted the love that we share. I'm glad that my grandfather is a Councillor for humans and that my mother is the first human Spectre. I'm proud that I have two fathers that have made history in their own right and destroyed the last of the Reapers so everyone can go home and rebuild. I wanted you to know that I love each of you very much."

I remind you that this kid is 8 years old and speaks like a college student minus the ever present hang over. Again, Resenemee.

And this resolves all of Nihilus and Garrus' doubts. Not talking with each other, no character development or any such nonsense.

No, we get one single paragraph of supposedly unintentional Dr. Phil drivel from an 8 year old and that makes everything all better.

Never you mind the Reapers. They were a secondary issue. The OT3 was all that mattered!

We get a nice little wrap up, making this into a happy little ending.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The End.

I am going to go do something productive now. Like try to hammer nails with my forehead.

Good night, folks.