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 Sherlock Holmes (and the little man in his head)

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Devouring_Time

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PostSubject: Sherlock Holmes (and the little man in his head)   Mon Apr 04, 2011 10:57 am

Hello, I'm back, and this time I bring with me a Sherlock Holmes fic! (based on the 2009 film with Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law Razz )
And I'm going to give this girl a break on grammar and such, seeing as her profile states she's thirteen and lives in Denmark. But that doesn't mean I can ignore the complete mindlessness of this fic.
Well, here we go [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Quote :
He was laying down on the ground, he was hardly breathing, and his lips were turning into a mix of purple and blue. A gunshot came out of the blue air, and it hit him, there should have been blood floating out of his body, but there wasn't any blood to see at all. I looked back and saw a silhouette holding a gun in it's one hand. There was nothing but silence, not a single move was made. Until suddenly, I got stabbed by someone from behind with a knife, I couldn't feel a thing of it, and then everything turned black.

Hmm. I think I'll break that down, shall I?

Quote :
his lips were turning into a mix of purple and blue.

Oddly disturbing.

Quote :
A gunshot came out of the blue air, and it hit him, there should have been blood floating out of his body, but there wasn't any blood to see at all.

I hate when gunshots hit me. Not as painful as actual bullets mind you, but it still hurts. However, one of the nice side effects of being hit with a gunshot means that there won't be any blood floating out of you body.

Quote :
suddenly, I got stabbed by someone from behind with a knife, I couldn't feel a thing of it, and then everything turned black.

Suddenly, BACKSTAB! But it didn't hurt, which is good I suppose. Also, I have no idea whose point of view this is.

Quote :
The sun were shining in trough a crack of the window, that wasn't entirely covert by the long red, but half burned (by a experimental mixture of chlorine, and hydrochloric that exploded.) curtain

I do not think that means what you think it means.
And enter Dr. Watson

Quote :

-Holmes, what are you doing?
-What do it look like I'm doing. I'm trying to get some sleep for the first time, since that stupid "missing cat" case two days ago.
-Holmes, that was last week, six days ago to be precise... Holmes... Haven't you slept in six hole days. Seriously, haven't you considered to find a new case.

That cat case really kept him up at night.


Quote :
-Yes, but there ain't any cases, I have checked the papers... Since yesterday...
Seriously? Ain't? That's most definitely how they spoke in England in the 1800s.

Quote :
-Come on Holmes. There must be some kind of case that you can stick your head into.
Watson: Preferably a large, heavy one. You can stick your head in it, and I'll slam the lid.

Quote :
He held both of the curtains sides in each of his hands, and then he tore them apart, with such rage and speed that the little bird in the corner got such a fright, that it made the cage that it were in, fall to the ground. But after it fell, the little door in the cage had opened, and the little bird was flying around freely in the room.

Watson angry. Watson SMASH!

Quote :
Holmes, since when do you have a bird?
-What bird, I can't see any birds.

Ohhhhh dear.

Quote :
Watson looked over, and got shocked over what he was seeing. I was laying down on the ground, could hardly breath, when suddenly I got a big bucket of cold water over me. I opened my eye's in the same second that the cold water was washed over me.
-Holmes are you okay, what have you now don to your self.
-Nothing... I have just drunken a bit, don't worry I'll be perfectly fine …
-Holmes, stay with me here... What kind of drink?
-it's over there.. on the table next to the window...
Watson rushed over to get the bottle that was standing on the table like I had told him. Watson took it in his hands, and lifted it up to his nose so he could smell to it, and maybe find out what kind of mixture I had been drinking. He knew what it was, he turned around and looked at me with a frightened gaze.
-Holmes, I'm sorry but, why in hell do you have a bottle of methanol standing in your room, how stupid can a man be...Wait, don't answer, that's not important right now. The important thing now is to get you some ethanol, and stacks of it. Hey, Holmes... You shouldn't have any ethanol standing around, wouldn't you.

Right. This makes very, very little sense.
1. Why would Holmes be drinking methanol?
2. Why would Watson believe the cure for methanol poisoning is ethanol? Isn't he a doctor?
Good Lord man!, Get him a stomach pump! Not ethanol!
3. Since when does ethanol come in stacks?

Quote :

-Over there...
-Of cause...
Watson hurried over to get the ethanol.

Well at least someone keeps stacks of ethanol handy.

Quote :
The pain was getting worse, and I blacked out.
I couldn't move, my hands and feet were tide up with thick robes. The only thing I knew, was that I had the worst headache of my entire life.

The lack of transition there is painful.

Quote :
The most of his face was still laying in the shadows but his eyes were not. His grey eyes pierced out of the shadows

Sue?
Quote :

But before I could think it threw, he took a gun from behind his back in one of his hands, and pointed it towards me and said, "Goodbye my friend, I hope we'll see each other in the future, that lays a head of you". And then he shot me, but again, there wasn't any kind of pain. I woke up, to see that I was laying in the hospital.

Oh, I get it. Wait. No I don't. Am I snarking a Sherlock Holmes fic or an Inception one?

Quote :
there was standing a beautiful, tall, blond nurse with perfectly red lips. She was coming towards me, in her polished black shoes with heels. The nurse uniform was forming her body, so you could see her curves, from her shoulders down to her hips.

Nurse on floor duty, in heels, in the 1800s. I think not.
Also, she apparently gets her uniform from the Halloween store.

Quote :
Nothing, I'm sorry, it's just that... you're really beautiful.
-I know, the guys around here says that 24-7 to me.
-Well, but have you ever been on a date, with somebody who said that you were beautiful.
-actually, now that you ask about it, no, or at least not yet.

That's kind of sad.

Quote :
Well I guess that's a date then. Hello, my name is Emily. Emily Swift.
-Well I'm pleased to meet you Emily. My name is Sherlock. Sherlock Holmes, but you can call me Holmes.
-It's a pleasure to meet you to Mr. Holmes. Well I guess I'll see on friday then.
-I guess so.
-Then goodbye for now Mr. Holmes .

Umm, shouldn't she been running tests or something? Or did she just show so that he would ask her on a date? Is she even a NURSE!?

Quote :
I could hear foot steps coming towards me, and suddenly a big fat women came in through the door. She also had red lipstick on, but instead of blond hair, she had black greasy hair. She also had a brownish black beauty dot on her cheek, and I think there was hair on it. She made me get chills.

That's polite.

Quote :
-Did you call for a nurse Mcdreamy.

:

Quote :
-No, I didn't, so now you can go again.
She got a sad look in her eyes, and walked slowly away crying.

What a lovely anecdote, no?

Quote :
Finally there was a horse carriage that could drive me home, but I wasn't alone in the carriage, there was a tall man in it, he was sitting in the more dark side of it.

The dark side of the carriage? Ominous. Carriage will only sit like four-six people, max. I don't think there is a "dark side".

Quote :
There was blood on the street right in front of the carriage. A young girl was laying dead in the blood. But before I could think it thought, I recognized the young girl, her red lips and her long blond curly hair, and at last, her beautiful body. It was Emily.

Ooh, plot twist.

Quote :
Well, don't just stand there, tell me, what was the cause of her death?
-She's been stabbed down from behind 13 times, but her wrist is also cut and with the same knife. It looks like the cut in the wrist was made first.

Yes, slit her wrist and then proceed to stab the crap out of her.

Quote :
he couldn't just have cut her in the wrist without she would had noticed it. He must have drugged her in an ally, and then he had cut her wrist, and then he just let her bleed to death. But without any pain.

How thoughtful.

Quote :
-An amazing conclusion Holmes. Now's the only question left, who did it.
-Good question Watson. See you at home.
-But Holmes, aren't you gonna finish this case?
I didn't answer, I just walked away thinking about the mysterious man from the carriage.

Watson: Holmes! Where the hell are you going?!
Holmes: It's time for my nap.
Watson: There's a dead girl on the ground over here!
Holmes: Sorry Watson, nap time.

Quote :
I turned around and saw a bottle ethanol standing on the floor, and I remembered what happened, and what Watson had done for me. And without thinking more about it, I sat down in my big red chair and made myself comfy.

Sure was nice of Watson to save my life. Imma take a nap now.

Quote :
-Holmes, why did you just walk out on me like that? And now that I think of it, when in the world have you ever left a case unsolved? Seriously Holmes, what has been wrong with you this last few days? Answer me Holmes.

Holmes: I told you, I needed a nap.

Quote :
-Fine, do you really wanna know what's going on inside of my mind? Then fine... I have had dreams, or more likely nightmares, about a man killing over and over again, but it doesn't hurt. Watson, it's driving me nuts.
-I don't think I understand, you're having nightmares about a man killing you, and you can't feel any thing when he kills you, I can't really see the problem in that.


Quote :
how did that murder of yours look like?
-I don't know.
-You don't know, how can you not notice the face of a man who is killing you?

Holmes: HE WAS IN THE DARK SIDE OF THE CARRIAGE!

Watson's the only one still making sense.

Quote :
where were you in your dreams?
-The first dream I ain't really sure about, but if I should make a guess I would say a kind of hallway. The second dream was ether in a basement or a jail cell.

There's that "Ain't" again. Plus, Holmes' powers of observation seem to have been highly exaggerated.

Quote :
Not that I'm some kind of mind reader, I could see it in his face, the movements and the wrinkling on his forehead. I think I'm spending to much time with him, but in the end I wouldn't have it any other way.

Awwwwww...

Quote :
-Well hello again my old friend.
I was dreaming. It was his voice, the man from the shadows, he was talking to me.
-Well, aren't you going to say something or what?

Talk to the man in your head Sherlock. It's impolite to ignore him.

Quote :
-Why do I keep seeing you in my dreams?
-Because I'm the case your never solved.

Well that makes actually makes sense. A case he never solved is haunting him.

Quote :
-What do you mean about "the case your never solved"

Never mind.

Quote :
I have solved every case I have meet on my way in life, so what case are you referring to?

Cocky little bugger, isn't he?

Quote :
-Holmes...? Wake up...
-What... Why are you here, but more important way did you wake me up?

Watson: Umm... Well, I live here with you and you were talking to someone in your sleep. It was creepy.

Quote :
I met the police inspector, and he told me that the stabbed down girl reminded him of another case two years ago. He also said that you were involved with the case, so how can it be that I don't know anything about it?

Holmes: I dunno. I don't remember anything about it either.

Quote :
I didn't remember any case that I hadn't solved, but you my friend, just lifted a little part of the mystery. And about the unsolved case, it also about a girl who got cut in her wrist, before she was stabbed down in her back 13 times, not more, not less.

The exactly thirteen stab wounds is incredibly important.

Quote :
-But why couldn't you solve the case?
-Because there wasn't enough evidence to arrest anybody, that's why I never finished the case.

That's never stopped you before...

Quote :
When I arrived, I ran over to talk the police chief into giving him me his keys to the criminal files. It didn't really work out like I had planed

Shocking.
Holmes: Hey, can I have the keys to the criminal files?
Chief: No.
Holmes: Well, it was worth a shot.

Quote :
but I, or Watson had thought of a backup plan.

I can't really remember which. I've been having problems remembering anything lately.

Quote :
-But Holmes, it's two years ago, and even then you couldn't solve it, so how are you going to solve the case now?
-I don't know, but there's one thing I know and that is, that you and my intelligence are going to blow this case away once and for all.

Go Team!

Quote :
-Year... you just get started with that while I take a little walk...

Watson, you're not making any sense.

Quote :
of cause not, I'm way to busy to have a girlfriend.
-Oh come on Watson, you can't lie to me. Cause If you were telling the truth you wouldn't go for a walk, you hate going for a walk, but because you were lying so badly and couldn't think of anything better then going for a walk, I would guess you're a bit late too.

It's common knowledge that Watson hates walking.


Quote :
Watson grabbed is coat from the table next to the door,and rushed down the satires. In the rest of the night I was siding looking the hole case throw until I fell asleep.

I have nothing to say to that.
Holmes then proceeds to fall asleep again, and begins another conversation with the man in his head.

Quote :
A spotlight turned on, and it pointed down on me.

I realised it was time for my tap number.

Quote :
-Only one, why did you kill Emily, why that girl?
-Because she reminded me of my wife that died in a fire five years ago.

She reminded you of your dead wife, so you stabbed her thirteen times? There's some seriously messed up stuff going on there.


Quote :
"Another young lady has been found, laying dead on the streets and, like the other two, she's also been cut in the wrists before she was stabbed 13 times in her back." Watson explained.

"Actually, 4 women have died, but one of them was never found. But let's skip the boring part and go straight to how your date with your little girlfriend was." I smirked.

Yes, let's skip the boring bit about the three, I mean four, dead girls, and get to how Watson's date went last night. They've digressed to fourteen year old girls.

Quote :
"It was fine, thank you, now can we concentrate on the important thing?" He said, probably thinking that I was a total ass.

At least Watson still has a sense of priority.

Quote :
"So you did kiss her."

"Fine, I kissed her, are you happy now?"

"I'm actually feeling quite optimistic, thanks for asking."

Watson's luck in love has Holmes feeling good for his own chances.
Quote :

I choose not to ask him about it, I didn't want to ruin the whole day for him.

Just most of it.

Quote :
"Not really, I just think that we should wait until a new clue comes up." For a moment I thought that Watson had gone mad, but he always ended up being right, so I just leaned back and tried to get some sleep.

When in doubt, take a nap.

Quote :
When I woke up I realized that I hadn't had my usual nightmare, and it's been several days since I had a normal blackout dream (it's when you don't dream anything)

Or when you get hit over the head with a baseball bat.

Quote :
but even then I still felt tired.

How are you tired!? You've been sleeping non-stop!

Quote :
After an hour with just looking into space, I called Mrs. Hudson. It didn't take her long to get from the kitchen and into what she called "The life threatening zone". She had stopped cleaning my room since the accident that happened about a year ago, where I may have accidentally started a little campfire in the lower part of her maid uniform.

Yah, it sounds like an accident. Also, I like how Holmes has Mrs. Hudson wearing a maid uniform...

Quote :
"Well what?" I responded.
"You called me, Sir?"
"Oh... That's right,

Holmes: See, I've been having this forgetfulness problem.

Quote :
I wanted to ask if you had seen Watson, not that I was worried or any thing, it's just that I need to ask him something." I tried not to seem too soft and sweet.

I think there are plenty of ways to say that without it sounding "soft and sweet"
Example: "Have you seen Watson?"
See, how easy was that?

Quote :
"Last night Sir, you haven't said anything to upset him, have you?" She paused. "... He's a good guy, you're lucky to have him as your friend." She said with a bossy tone in her voice.
"We're not... We're colleagues" I said, knowing that I was lying.
"Everybody knows that you and Watson are the best friends ever and you know it too, so drop the attitude and get your ass moving." She said with an even more bossy tone than before.

Holmes and Watson, ultimate BFFs.

Quote :
The sun was hiding behind the many dirty clouds in sky, and it was almost impossible to see anything, but I knew the streets in and out like my own leaning chair.

How well acquainted can you get with a leaning chair?

Quote :
"Sorry Mr. Holmes, can you please help me?" She asked nervously
"Not right now, sorry." I began walking up the stairs like before just a bit faster.
"Holmes your tea is in the kitchen, can you please get it yourself, my hands are full." she said sounding more desperate for every word she said.
"Not right now, maybe later." I said absently, only two steps from the door.
"No!" She yelled.

Wow, way to be a complete ass. And now Mrs. Hudson's finally snapped.

Quote :
I heard footsteps from the other side of the door. I opened it and turned on the light, seeing only the back of a man. The back of Watson. I was so shocked that I took the pistol on the table, not that I planned to use it or anything. It was just for safety, you could call it defence or something like that.

Wait, if you know it's Watson, why do you need a gun in self-defense? He lives there too you know.

Quote :
"As if you're looking for the shares, for what else could it be, I would guess that you needed money to buy your new girlfriend a little gift, perhaps a necklace?" I said knowing he hadn't any answer on it.

Actually, there are two answers to that. Either "yes", or "no".

Quote :
We sat down and talked about it, who should get the most and who should get less. We ended up saying that we would split it in half so we both would get a part of it. Normally I get the biggest part, but now Watson has a girlfriend.

Right, that's the end of the chapter. And I think Holmes and Watson just got divorced. Shame.

Well, that's all I've got for now. If the story continues, I'll be sure to let you all know. Drop a comment if you feel so inclined.
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PendragonGirl
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PostSubject: Re: Sherlock Holmes (and the little man in his head)   Mon Apr 04, 2011 10:31 pm

That's a lot of napping. Great snark!

SH 2009 has a lot of badfic but most of it manages to be somewhat coherent even if it's OOC. This is just a whole new level of fail.

When is this story set? Do they mean Mary when they're talking about this "girlfriend"?
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PostSubject: Re: Sherlock Holmes (and the little man in his head)   Wed Apr 06, 2011 1:49 pm

Ha, good snark. So many plot holes, so little time (that's almost what she said?); I hope the fic gets updated so you can continue to snark.

For a palate-cleanser on Alzheimer!Holmes:
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PostSubject: Re: Sherlock Holmes (and the little man in his head)   Wed Apr 06, 2011 3:17 pm

Thanks! I love the clip by the way.
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PostSubject: Re: Sherlock Holmes (and the little man in his head)   Sat Apr 09, 2011 5:18 pm

OmgthisstoryIdon'tevenwhaaaaaaaat D:
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The Scientist
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PostSubject: Re: Sherlock Holmes (and the little man in his head)   Mon Apr 11, 2011 9:26 am

Holmes seems to be suffering from that sleeping sickness thing.

Also, I think the author got the whole "cure methanol with ethanol" gig from House...I remember something of the sort in one episode, although I'm pretty sure it made sense there.
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knightwithoutacause
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PostSubject: Re: Sherlock Holmes (and the little man in his head)   Tue Apr 12, 2011 5:57 pm

I just wikied it out of curiosity, and it says there that ethanol is effective to treat menthanol intoxication.
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PostSubject: Re: Sherlock Holmes (and the little man in his head)   Thu Apr 14, 2011 6:50 am

Yah, I looked it up too. While diluted ethanol along with hemodialysis can keep someone from dying of methanol poisoning, having stacks of ethanol fed to you in the room of a flat probably won't do it. It would most likely require hospitalisation.
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Chris91
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PostSubject: Re: Sherlock Holmes (and the little man in his head)   Thu Apr 14, 2011 8:39 am

If Arthur Conan Doyle were alive today he'd be facepalming at this story so hard you could feel the shockwaves in Edinburgh.
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PostSubject: Re: Sherlock Holmes (and the little man in his head)   Thu Apr 14, 2011 2:19 pm

Well, of course, I was just wagering that the author used a Google-fu chop and missed the common sense block.
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PostSubject: Re: Sherlock Holmes (and the little man in his head)   Sun Apr 17, 2011 1:47 pm

This is a great snark! By which I mean, I was expecting a typical silly sub-par fanfic, and got... well, I got Holmes drinking stacks of ethanol.

I burst out laughing more than once. I hope the story continues for the sole sake of your sporking. Wink
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