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 Lucario, Frosslass and an Author Insertion

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That_Swedish_Guy

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PostSubject: Lucario, Frosslass and an Author Insertion   Sat Mar 19, 2011 9:41 pm

Well, I've been lurking for a while, so I thought I would contribute to the community with this delightfully bad pokemon fic. It can be found here: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

There are 26 chapters, plus another 'add-on' thing.

Oh and it's my first proper snark, so I hope I don't screw up to bad...

Quote :
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Pokémon, Game Freak, Nintendo, or any other affiliated companies. If I did, well it would be much different… Something like THIS.

Well, we can thank god that you don't.

Quote :
This is form the viewpoint of my Lucario. Speech in 'these' is telepathic, by the way.

How nice of you to tell us.

Quote :
Chapter 1: An evil plot by a not so evil person with very good intentions!

What?

Quote :
Lucario? Lucario! Wake up… Wake up… WAKE UP ARCEUSDAMMIT!

Is someone talking? Why are there no speech marks?

Quote :
I opened my right eye and looked at him, even though I didn't need to; as I could sense his aura- a dark bluish purple I sensed something was troubling him. He was my trainer, Boomeus, and he had a worried look on his face… I spoke to him telepathically, and asked 'what's wrong?' he replied by asking "are you okay?" reverting to speaking English, I asked" where… Where am I? He sighed, and explained" you were fighting Grusieous' Gallade, and his close combat hit you hard…" I'm sorry, I should have switched out to Frosslass-"NO!" I interjected, "he could kill her!" I was growing angry, and he had a huge grin on his face, asking" because you love her, right" I blushed, shouting" NO" He switched to telepathy, not wanting to embarrass me anymore than this, and said' Lucario and Frosslass, sittin' in a tree K-I-S-S-I' I slapped him, interrupting him and he flew about 20 yards, he got up, walked over to me and apologized" I'm sorry, bro, I didn't mean to embarrass you… I know, I'll make it up to you!" This made me a little concerned, but I got up and finished the battle, I defended Frosslass while she took out Gallade with little effort, and afterwards, she smiled at me saying "good job in the battle today, I was really worried you were hurt for a while…" she broke off, staring into space; as if she were arguing inwardly over whether to say something or not. I wondered what, but didn't press on the matter as Boomeus came, as if from nowhere- with a mischievous smirk "Hey, you guys wanna ride in your poke balls? Or walk with me" I looked around at the others, and realized that they were already with him, and I had been alone with Frosslass- I wondered why he'd left us; and I knew that something was up. We both nodded and he recalled us, and we turned into red beams of light, and then vanished.

Oh boy...

Let's break this wall down, shall we.

Quote :
I opened my right eye and looked at him, even though I didn't need to; as I could sense his aura- a dark bluish purple I sensed something was troubling him.

The only neccesary part of that sentance was his aura being dark blusih purple.

Why did you need the rest of the sentance?

And why his right eye? Do you have something against left eyes author? Are you EYE-IST!?

Sorry about that... Got a bit off-topic.

Quote :
He was my trainer, Boomeus, and he had a worried look on his face… I spoke to him telepathically, and asked 'what's wrong?' he replied by asking "are you okay?" reverting to speaking English, I asked" where… Where am I? He sighed, and explained" you were fighting Grusieous' Gallade, and his close combat hit you hard…" I'm sorry, I should have switched out to Frosslass-"NO!" I interjected, "he could kill her!"

Wait, Lucario is asking what's wrong when he was almost knocked out by the Gallade's close combat...

Ohh, the Lucario has feeling for the Frosslass. I can sense tension and plot bui- Wait, the author told us this in the summary. What a shame.
/sarcasm

The way this author uses speech marks, there are a lot of people in this universe who say how they are talking.

Quote :
I was growing angry, and he had a huge grin on his face, asking" because you love her, right" I blushed, shouting" NO"

Subtle, author, very subtle.

Quote :
He switched to telepathy, not wanting to embarrass me anymore than this, and said' Lucario and Frosslass, sittin' in a tree K-I-S-S-I'

So the trainer can, just like that use telepathy, something that only legendary pokemon can use to communicate. Oh wait, canon doesn't matter in this universe.

Quote :
I slapped him, interrupting him and he flew about 20 yards, he got up, walked over to me and apologized" I'm sorry, bro, I didn't mean to embarrass you… I know, I'll make it up to you!"

So being slapped by a Lucario gives you magical flight powers that somehow make you end up on the ground anyway...

Then again he could have hit him 20 feet backwards, but an impact that can cause an average human (or 10-year old if we follow canon) to fly backwards 20 feet would cause at the very least a concussion, and at worst servere brain damage or death. I'm hoping for the brain damage.

Quote :
This made me a little concerned, but I got up and finished the battle, I defended Frosslass while she took out Gallade with little effort, and afterwards, she smiled at me saying "good job in the battle today, I was really worried you were hurt for a while…"

So what were the Gallade and that other trainer doing while Lucario and Boomeus where having their bitch fight? Playing knucklebones?

Anyways, the author breaks canon yet again by having two pokemon fighting one, and besides, who needs epic fight scenes when you can just finish the fight with 'little effort'. And of course, we get back to the romance, if you can call it that.

Quote :
she broke off, staring into space; as if she were arguing inwardly over whether to say something or not.

Wait a minute, that line actually made sense.

Quote :
I wondered what, but didn't press on the matter

Whenever I read that line I keep imagining Lucario pushing something as he denies that it's matter.

Quote :
as Boomeus came, as if from nowhere- with a mischievous smirk "Hey, you guys wanna ride in your poke balls?

So where was Boomerus while Lucario and Frosslass were having their 'akward moment'? Playing knucklebones with Gallade and that other trainer?

Oh fuck, read that line without the question.

Quote :
as Boomeus came, as if from nowhere- with a mischievous smirk

He came with a smirk! A SMIRK! Shocked

Quote :
Or walk with me" I looked around at the others, and realized that they were already with him, and I had been alone with Frosslass-

The other pokemon had been watching the battle?

Quote :
I wondered why he'd left us;

I told you, knucklebones. God knows that game's more interesting than you are as a character.

Quote :
and I knew that something was up.

Lucario's a better detective than Sherlock.

Quote :
We both nodded and he recalled us, and we turned into red beams of light, and then vanished.

Did they agree to walking with him or with being in their pokeballs?

Quote :
Later that day…

Something interesting and relevant happend to the plot.

Quote :
I still wondered what he meant, and I had time to think while in my poke ball, and when he released me into a room in the local hotel in Blackthorn city, I wasn't surprised, he loved this city, and we must have flown on Aerodactyl while in our poke balls…
Yes, that is one sentance and yes, there are five commas in it.

Quote :
However I was surprised when he released Frosslass

Okay, Lucario has been demoted to Watson.

Quote :
we both looked at him, and he just smiled, saying "Have fun, you two" He left, and I heard the door lock… "Bastard" I muttered under my breath; turning to Frosslass and starting to apologize" I'm so sorry…"

Isn't it a bit creepy that the door can be locked from the outside, but cannot be unlocked from the inside? Also, that wasn't very nice Lucario.

Quote :
"Don't be" she said, I can sense your feelings,

Oh brillant, more telpathic pokemon. At least it's canon that Frosslasses have pshychic abilities. It's also canon that they're absolute dicks, '...since it will wander around snowstorms or blizzards to find unsuspecting humans and prey and will attack by freezing them into solid ice.'


Quote :
now that you aren't shielding them,

Because real manly men pokemon hide their feelings.

Quote :
because you're embarrassed, and I'm going to let mine down, so you can see how I feel"

Hate and revulsion, hate and revultion, hate and revultion.

Quote :
I thought she thought I was a freak or something, then I sensed something, and it was pure, unadulterated, love.

Fuck.

Quote :
I must have had a surprised look on my face, as she started giggling, her aura going from its normal shade of pink, to an even brighter one, and I blushed, hard.

I'm as surprised as you are Lucario, trust me....

Quote :
I regained my composure, and we just looked at each other and she was smiling, and I smiled back.

Awwwwwwww, it's sooooo cyoot!

Quote :
We started talking and I glanced at the door, seeing a bluish purple aura, it was Boomeus 'do you forgive me?' he asked, somehow knowing I had noticed him; I made a mental note to ask him about that, but for the moment I just replied 'Hell yeah'

Shouldn't Lucario be a tiny little bit disturbed that his trainer locked him in a room and in now listening in on his (very private) conversations? Also, he's telepathic, so why are you surprised that he noticed you staring at him through the wall?

Quote :
I looked back at Frosslass, and she hugged me, smiling; as she asked " what was that all about" I laughed, I had forgotten she was psychic too. I thought for a second and replied"nothin' important, babe" smiling back, and blushing harder.

Lucario has very bad memory...

Quote :
'Tonight's gonna be a good night', I thought to myself "I know" said Frosslass, causing me to laugh as I forgot-once again that she can read my thoughts.


Quote :
I heard Boomeus mutter" I love it when a plan comes together"

And Boomeus is still being creepy...

Quote :
Next chapter things will heat up!

I can't wait.

Any feedback would be very much appreciated.






Last edited by That_Swedish_Guy on Sun Mar 20, 2011 3:26 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Spelling and shit)
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textrix

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PostSubject: Re: Lucario, Frosslass and an Author Insertion   Sun Mar 20, 2011 4:18 pm

Quote :
Quote :
as Boomeus came, as if from nowhere- with a mischievous smirk

He came with a smirk! A SMIRK! Shocked

Wait--does this mean what I think it does???? Or do I just have a dirty mind?

Also, TWENTY-SIX CHAPTERS.
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Vanilla-villa
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PostSubject: Re: Lucario, Frosslass and an Author Insertion   Sun Mar 20, 2011 4:27 pm

textrix wrote:
Also, TWENTY-SIX CHAPTERS.
And the worst part? There are two sequels Shocked
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Rabid Badger
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PostSubject: Re: Lucario, Frosslass and an Author Insertion   Sun Mar 20, 2011 7:37 pm

Vanilla-villa wrote:
textrix wrote:
Also, TWENTY-SIX CHAPTERS.
And the worst part? There are two sequels Shocked

Okay, get out the chainsaws and flamethrows. It's time for a drive-by author culling Yeah
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That_Swedish_Guy

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PostSubject: Re: Lucario, Frosslass and an Author Insertion   Mon Mar 28, 2011 10:20 pm

Well, the next chapter "heats up", and is most probably very NSFW. I can't bloody wait...

And because I'm bored, I skipped ahead and had a little read of the final chapter. This is gonna take a while.

But alas, the show must go on, so here is the next chapter!

Quote :
DISCLAIMER: Unfortunately, I still do not own Pokémon, otherwise… Well let us just say it wouldn't be such a child appropriate show anymore, and the game would be even worse! (And by worse I of course I mean better)

How is that unfortunate? Plus the amount of arrogance in that sentance makes me want to punch the author very hard. In the testicals. Which I assume he has.

Quote :
Chapter 2:Lucky Lucario

Meaningful titles are over-rated...

Quote :
I was in love with Frosslass, and she loved me back!

From now on I'm gonna skip most of that lovey-dovey shit and focus on the stuff that doesn't make sense. Even most of the lovey-dovey shit doesn't make sense...

Quote :
Every time I think about it my heart skips a beat, and everything was perfect!

In the same way that your tense is perfect.

Quote :
We just lay there, staring into each others eyes, when- out of nowhere- she kissed me, and as our tongues wrestled so as not to break the kiss, she telepathically asked 'Will you be my mate?' and I was high on love I instantly replied 'Of course, I love you!'

Blah blah blah, irrelevant information plus drug use (okay, that was bad, I'm sorry).

Quote :
She broke the kiss, her cold tongue leaving my mouth,

The fact that Frosslasses are cold gets emphasised a LOT later on.

Quote :
and I was disappointed, that is until she said "Please stand up"

And of course, no full stop.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's lemon time! If at any point during this you feel the need to regurgitate, please abstain from doing so on your monitor.

Quote :
I complied and was soon very glad I did as she pulled my pants down, revealing my penis; she looked at it, drooled, and began to lick the tip, I instantly moaned, and this made her feel satisfied with her work as she began to suck it, almost freezing the trail of saliva her tongue had left on my member.

Because Lucario-penis makes people drool.

Also, why is lucario wearing pants?

Quote :
My knees began to shake as I hit my orgasm,

Being someone who has read a shitton of pokemon lemons, (I had a pokemon period a while ago; no, I don't know why either) this is one of the worst blow-jobs I've read. It describes nothing, adds nothing to any of the characters, and in general does nothing for the lemon or the fic.
Angry
/rant

Quote :
and I howled in pleasure as I fell to my knees, again kissing her, and she asked "Did you like my first blowjob?" I merely nodded, and as I recovered, she lay on her back, whispering"Take me, my Lucario?" I replied "Of course, my love" I placed my member at her entrance and said "This may hurt a bit, Frosslass" she nodded.

That last line of dialouge bugs me. The author has no fear when it comes to using commas, yet read the dialouge and the last two words out loud and it sounds... wrong.

Quote :
I was hesitant, and wanting me to get it over with, she used her psychic powers to pull me in to the hilt, a small trickle of blood blowing out, as I looked at her, I telepathically comforted her; in a sort of mental embrace, she sighed.

Again with the commas... I fear this may become a reccuring theme.

Quote :
And I began to slowly thrust into her, gradually building up speed, her love tunnel

Of all of the words to describe a vagina the author chose love tunnel.

Quote :
getting colder and her moans getting louder with each thrust, until she hit her orgasm, her walls tightening around me, as I pulled out of her; for two reasons

See? Frosslasses are cold.

Quote :
I didn't want her pregnant, and the I was afraid of frostbite on my member

First of all, frostbite does not work like that. Secondly, don't try to be funny in a lemon, it never works.

Quote :
(YOU try explaining that to nurse Joy!)

Well, I wasn't planning on fucking any Frosslasses any time soon, so I don't think I need to try. You could try if you wanted to though.

Quote :
- After we both lay together, contented, I couldn't help but wonder how Boomeus had known about all of these things

Boomeus is speshal, that's how he knew.

Quote :
I thought we could communicate telepathically because we were best friends, but maybe he has a gift? For know, though- I just cuddled with my Frosslass and drifted off into sleep.

See? Speshul.

Quote :
For know, though-


And the first proper misspelling. At least the spelling is good. Most of the time.

Quote :
I just cuddled with my Frosslass and drifted off into sleep.

And that ladies and gentlemen, concludes the lemon. For all of you that got through that, well done.

Quote :
The next day

Indeed it is.

Basically, we have another very kyoot sentence, (in which Lucario puts his pants back on) when suddenly!

Quote :
I heard a knocking at the door I looked to see Boomeus' unique, never changing aura- a dark bluish purple-

Oh look, Boomeus is unique. Whatdya wanna bet that by the end of the fic it will be exclusivley about Boomeus?

Quote :
and I used psychic to open the door

Lazy bugger.

Quote :

smiling as he grinned at me, asking "How'd it go" even though it was pretty obvious how it went.

Time to be a nit-picky sonofabitch and say that there's no question mark in the dialouge.

Quote :
Still smiling I replied "Well I guess it went O.K." Frosslass giggled and he asked how she was feeling "I'm feeling great" she glanced at me seductively, and I was barely resisting taking her right then and there…

I'm still hoping that Frosslass will freeze Lucario to death later on.

Quote :

Later that day

The author could try using the characters to tell what time it is.

Quote :
Grusieous had challenged Boomeus to a rematch

Never challenge the Gary Stu to a remach, you'll just get your ass handed to you again.

Quote :
he sent forth Scyther and Drapion, as I sat nest to Frosslass, and Aerodactyl and Gible chattered idly, and as Gible is still a small child- Grusieous' team was much too powerful for him- Aerodactyl acted as sort of a mother figure to Gible.

But Frosslass and Lucario are going to be needed to win of course.

Quote :
Frosslass and I were the only ones who could speak English, we were the closest to Boomeus, and only went in our poke balls when too hurt or too tired to walk.

Care to explain why they can, author?

Quote :
Grusieous' Pokémon had hurt Scyther and Drapion, Boomeus sent forth me and Frosslass, as Grusieous sent out his last two, Arcanine and Gallade and there was great respect on the battlefield.

As I predicted Lucario and Frossla- Hold on, zoom in on the last part of that sentance.

Quote :
and there was great respect on the battlefield.

What.

Quote :
Frosslass summoned a ball of shadow, she KO'd Gallade

As in, she used shadow ball? Why not just say so?

And of course, it's a one hit KO.

Quote :
as I used water pulse to take down Arcanine

And another one hit KO. What level are these pokemon? If the battle was this easy then why did Lucario almost get knocked out the first tine they fought?

Quote :
and Grusieous revived and healed his Pokémon, we all shook hands and congratulated each other on a well fought battle.

I would've loved to see the battle they where talking about. The one I saw seemed pretty terrible.

Quote :
We went to the hotel and I noticed that, once again, Boomeus had gotten me and Frosslass our own room, along with some pills for Frosslass -and some condoms in case it was before she had taken her pills for the day

Wonder how he explained to the pharmacist that he needed condoms for his pokemon.

I hope those pills are anti-depressants, Frosslass is probably going to need them after another night with Lucario.

Quote :
and he just smirked and started to sing "Lucario and Frosslass sittin in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, but he seemed surprised when I didn't slap him! Which offended me, so I slapped him- but playfully this time- and I remembered I still had to ask him about things…

Ohh, we're soon gonna find out why Boomeus is so speshul.

Quote :

Where will our hero's journey take him next? Probably to Blackthorn city hotel again, they stay there all the time. Please review and tell me how you feel, make suggestions, anything; really I could use the help!

Can you feel the subtleness in that sentance?





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anangrychocobo
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PostSubject: Re: Lucario, Frosslass and an Author Insertion   Mon Mar 28, 2011 11:11 pm

Wait, Lucario pulled down his pants? Okay, I know it kinda appears to be wearing shorts but I don't think they really are...
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That_Swedish_Guy

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PostSubject: Re: Lucario, Frosslass and an Author Insertion   Tue Mar 29, 2011 9:30 pm

anangrychocobo wrote:
Wait, Lucario pulled down his pants? Okay, I know it kinda appears to be wearing shorts but I don't think they really are...

A lot of pokemon writers take certain 'liberties' when it comes to pokemon wearing 'clothes'. It doesn't bother me to much when it's well written, but this is pretty awful.
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Lapin
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PostSubject: Re: Lucario, Frosslass and an Author Insertion   Wed Mar 30, 2011 9:00 am

(Looks up "Lucario")
(Studies it)
Those aren't pants you twit, those are his markings.

Christ, doesn't this count as bestiality? They are technically closer to animals than humans, and most of them seem to think on the same level as my dog. Oh wait, forgot, that's CANON. And this author, for all their professed love, thinks canon is stupid.

Yeah, you could use help fanbrat. Luckily for you, I have some help right here. Don't mind the shape. All help comes shaped like blunt objects.
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PostSubject: Re: Lucario, Frosslass and an Author Insertion   Wed Mar 30, 2011 11:54 pm

Lapin wrote:
(Looks up "Lucario")
(Studies it)
Those aren't pants you twit, those are his markings.

Christ, doesn't this count as bestiality? They are technically closer to animals than humans, and most of them seem to think on the same level as my dog. Oh wait, forgot, that's CANON. And this author, for all their professed love, thinks canon is stupid.

Yeah, you could use help fanbrat. Luckily for you, I have some help right here. Don't mind the shape. All help comes shaped like blunt objects.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

This is official art. I actually have no idea as to how it would actually be wearing pants in the first place.

The thing about the pokemon fandom is that there's almost no way to write lemony shit without some form of bestiality. The only way to stop it from being as squicky is by giving the pokemon a coherent way of communicating with the person/pokemon. This does somewhat break canon.
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That_Swedish_Guy

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PostSubject: Re: Lucario, Frosslass and an Author Insertion   Thu Apr 14, 2011 8:10 am

This is probably a bad idea, but I've decided to keep destroying the cinderblock wall that is this fic. I'll try to update every weekend.

The chapters get longer and more convoluted from here on, so I'm probably not gonna be quoting the entire thing.

Also, all of the text will be in original formatting, so if his is bold, it will be quoted as such.

Quote :
DISCLAIMER: I still do not own Pokémon, or its creators/affiliates, otherwise the show would be much better (maybe Brock wouldn't get cock-blocked for once) and the traveling companions would have fun, battles would be more violent, etc.

But I doubt that will ever happen!

Brock getting "cock-blocked" is part of the fun.

Quote :
Chapter 3: The Talk

To start the chapter off, Lucario and Frosslass finally agree on the fact that Boomeus may actually have psychic powers (only took 3 chapters Rolling Eyes), and they get confirmation in a very lame way:

Quote :
There was a knock at the door, and I opened it psychically, and he grinned at me, asking "So, how are you two lovebirds doing?" I looked at him, and to Frosslass, said 'If he hears this, we are right" I looked at his aura, and I could tell that he was very curious, and Frosslass said 'I think he's checking you out Lucario' He blurted out "I AM NOT" Frosslass giggled once more, and looked at me.

Yeeeeeea- no

Quote :
5 minutes of explaining later

"So you couldn't communicate telepathically with us because we're so close, but because you're psychic?"

It took him five minutes to say 'I can communicate with you because I'm psychic'?

Quote :
I asked, knowing damn well that it was true, resisting the urge to slap him for lying to me, his face looking guilty

Using the term "his face looking guilty" just sounds wrong, for some reason.

Quote :
Frosslass asked "Why didn't you just say so, then?"

Wow, an actual intelligent question. I am surprised.

Boomeus explains that he didn't think it was important. That was the wrong thing to say.

Quote :
"YOU DON'T KNOW!" I roared,

Isn't that a little bit of an overreaction?

Quote :
Frosslass grabbing my hand- knowing I was gonna beat the living dogshit out of him,

Ooooook, remind me not to get anywhere near the psychotic Lucario...

After this they have a big group hug, and decide to go test their abilities.

Quote :
5 hours of practice later

I see this so much it's ludicrous, and it's so easy to fix. Using exact figures almost always detracts from immersion in the story. I mean, how often in real life have you heard the phrase 'I was there for exactly 3.5 minutes.' You don't because humans are terrible at guessing time lapsed, so instead we say 'I was there for about three and a half minutes.'

/rant

Quote :
I am a special Lucario, I have psychic powers,

Actually, most Lucarios have that, albeit in form of aura.

Quote :
and apparently Boomeus had the same

We have in fact, been made aware of that.

Quote :
I can teleport, communicate telepathically, and had telekinesis, and after some experimentation, we found that he could too.

A tense change. Yay. Then again, the author at least uses a spellchecker.

Quote :
He shrugged "I didn't know that I could do all that, thanks bro"

This fic is littered with unnececary dialouge. Dialouge should generally only be used to further the plot or add depth to characters. This line does none of that.

Quote :
He grinned again-this time at me and Frosslass, and said "I got a phone call from Obesieus, he would like to battle- he is in the Seafoam islands, but can fly here; so whaddaya say?" I looked at Frosslass, and she nodded. I said "Let's wreck this shit!"

Yes Lucario, I am wrecking the shit that is this fanfiction.

Quote :
2.5 hours later

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

(Yes, I am aware that that is possibly the most overused image on the internet, but it does discribe how I feel right now.)

Quote :
We were all training, as I sensed someone walking up behind us- I turned and Frosslass and Boomeus did too- and we saw Obesieus, in his green cloak and trousers and I couldn't see his face,

Obesieus must have terrible self esteem with a name like that. Also, there are conjunctions other than and.

Quote :
he simply said "Go" and he released two Pokémon, a Tangrowth and a Rypherior.

I like him, he doesn't do any bantering; exchanging insults with the Stu is a sure way to lose. Not that it's gonna help him much anyway.

Quote :
Let's do this! GO Lucario, GO Frosslass!" We both teleported forward, dropping into our fighting stances, as I glanced at Obesieus' aura- a pale green, I knew he was confident in his Pokémon- and I looked at Boomeus- actually at him, not his aura, but his appearance. He had a confident grin, black hair that hung to his eyebrows; he was cleanly shaven, and wearing blue jeans, and a black t-shirt under his leather jacket, and 6 poke balls on his belt.

Goddamnit author, the orientation was 2 chapters ago! Why are you describing Boomeus to us now? I know that some authors can get away with doing a broken orientation, but you are nowhere near that good.

Quote :
I laughed as I saw his aura was STILL the same bluish purple, and he commanded "Teleport and use dark pulse, Lucario! Frosslass, use blizzard!" We did as hes said, Tangrowth went down-Hard- but Rypherior just laughed and hurled a huge boulder at Frosslass, who would be taken off guard- And I was not letting that happen, I teleported in front of it, and I felt a huge impact across my chest, my hearing stopped working, my body went limp, and the world went completely white.

An un-interesting fight scene complete with a noble self sacrifice at the end...

Quote :
Sometime later

And yet, the author can do it correctly now...

And for the final paragraph we have Frosslass going on about how she could have paid more attention during the fight.

Quote :
I love you all, so I decided on a cliffhanger! I appreciate you feedback and reviews, whether they are kind or mean! I want your babies!

Cliffhangars do not work like that, and what. My babies will be perfectly fine with someone else, thank you.
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