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 FEAR TEH REAPER

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WD40
Knight of the Bleach
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Join date : 2010-02-15
Age : 37
Location : land of broken dreams

PostSubject: FEAR TEH REAPER   Sat Feb 12, 2011 1:51 pm

This is an old snark I once popped up on the House. I thought it lost, but recently found it while cleaning up my hard drive. I also found a few others that I'll reformat and put up eventually, but this was by far my favourite so it gets priority! Enjoy!

Presenting Wrathe Of Belial

This is a Code Lyoko fic. I haven't a clue what Code Lyoko is, I was actually looking for Guyver Fiction for shits and giggles at the time, and FF.net's search engine threw this up. After recovering from LOLing at the title, I decided to check it out.

Totally worth it!

Chapter 1 is a summary of the story, the real fun begins in chapter two, where the author prudently informs us that we are currently viewing the world through the POV of a character called Xander. Not that we needed to be told that, what with the first line being:

Quote :
My name is Xander Cage,


The fun continues with the sentence in it's full context.

Quote :
My name is Xander Cage, but everyone I know has always called me The Reaper cause of all the death and destruction that follows me. I couldn't care less though because I like the name Reaper. It suit me, because I am the darkness.


This spork is going to take me a while, because every time I see that I LOL off my chair.

Anyway THE REAPER is blessed/cursed with the POWARS OF FIRE AND DARKNESS!!1!!

We go into some description of his UBER POWARS THAT ARE A BLESSING AND A CURSE!!1!

Quote :
I have gotten good at stealth and moving and not being seen, I am proficient with twin katana blades as well as Sai, Bo Staff, and Nunchaku.
I am also excellent with my Darkness Element and Fire Element. I'm able to form powerful blades of darkness and fire, and my personal favorite is the Blade Of Dark Destruction. My most destructive magic attack is Dark Lighting and Dark Flame. Combining them makes and attack that is capable of mass destruction. It is called The Dark Dragon Slave. It is rumored to suck the life force of it's wielder.

But of course no uber hero is complete with out some wangst and a TRAGIK LOSS OF A LOVED ONE!!1!

Quote :

I had one girlfriend, and she was killed by some punks that jumped us after a date.
I had just taken care of three of the four thugs and was turning to take care of the other when I saw him stab her in
the stomach and run off. She died in my arms. I remember that night. Just as vividly as the girl I let die fighting those
Belial thugs. If Kira had run, that thug would have stabbed me, and she knew this. She died for me.


He goes HARDKORE after these tragic events and gets TATTS. This is because at heart he is the REAPER, and to complete the image, he has a Harley.

Quote :
In a few hours, I will be in France, and I will pick my Harley up at the airport.
It is all black with the exception of the grim reaper painted on the gas tank.
I have had it for about a year now and it was a present form sensei, so I take good care of it.
Well Kadic, better be ready for The Reaper, because I am coming.


Well, THE REAPER arrives in France, and is told his motorcycle is waiting outside. Which confused me, because I'm sure he said he had a Harley.

He takes a ride around 'Undisclosed Location: France' for a while, and his Harley doesn't break down, which means it is NO NORMAL HARLEY and is probably also infused with THE POWARS OF FIRE AND DARKNESS!!1! As opposed to the powers of Crap and Potatoes that regular Harleys are infused with.

Quote :
As Xander was riding through the streets a Japanese girl was crossing the street.
"What the hell!" Xander shouted as swerved to avoid the girl.
"Damn people here must be stupid as hell." Xander thought as he continued to Kadic.
After a few more minuets Xander Arrived at Kadic's Front Gate.
Once again there were people in his way.
"Damn it!" Xander shouted as he once again had to swerve to avoid hitting someone.


YOU'RE DRIVING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD, DIPSHIT!

For the next 500 odd words, THE REAPER wanders around the school in an attempt to find 'Mr. Delmas‘. He bumps into and mostly pisses off three, I'm assuming canonical, characters, with each one he introduces himself:

Quote :
Xander Cage, But every one calls me Reaper


I am now typing while lying on the floor, because staying in my chair is now nigh-on impossible.

His teacher in his first class stubbornly refuses to call him REAPER, but REAPER asserts his MANLINESS while in class by:

Quote :

Reaper stated as he made his way to his seat scaring a few students that looked at him.
As he got to his seat he removed his leather jacket to reveal a sleeveless black muscle shirt and all of the tattoos on his
arms. As he took his seat the girl named Yumi visibly shivered at seeing this and moved away from him.
"Ha ha ha ha ha, good at this rate the whole school will leave me alone." Reaper though to himself as he began doing his work.


He also laments at his people not SHOWING HIM THE RESPECT HE DESERVES!!

Quote :

"Damn this place sucks, I have to repeat myself to much is it so hard to call me by the name I choose to go by." Reaper thought as he followed some students to the cafeteria.

It's because you sound like a retard!

Following some gabble from actual characters from the show, (Who all agree that REAPER IS TEH SCARY EVIL DUDE!!1!) the story shifts:

Quote :

"Hi, mine name is Laurana. I'm fifteen years old. I have dark blue eyes and long, knee length, blonde hair that is pulled back with a bow. I'm very smart, but I'm also very shy. I usually keep to myself.
Everyone that knows me calls me Angel most of the time. Why? I have the powers of Light and Earth. I can heal people and make things grow. I have a birthmark on the back of my neck.


Oh, Christ another one.

She also goes to 'Undisclosed Location: France’, where she witnesses a being of pure DARKNESS AND FIRE!

Quote :

As they were making there way to the office when they heard someone shouting. As they turned, they saw the biker that speed by them and a girl running away terrified.
"Oh dear. Laurana, keep your distance from him, ok." Her grandma stated.
"Ok, Grandmother, but I think he is just doing that to keep others away from him, but I don't know why anyone would wanna be alone. No one should be alone." Laurana stated sadly.
"You always try and find the best in people. You truly are an Angel." Her grandma smiled as they made there way to the office.


Yea, he just needs a hug a really tight hug... Around his neck.

Quote :

"How can I help you?" A Woman asked.
Strangely enough A Woman was the same receptionist that REAPER met earlier.


Quote :

Jesse's POV
"I am Jesse I am fifteen years old and have dirty blonde short spikey hair.” I get average grades in school which my parents say I could do better. I ain't no push over I have been taking Kempo Karate since I was eight so I work out at least an hour a day when I get the time.” I have a strange birth mark on my right shoulder blade my parents have told me that it is from ancient times and that it is the mark of one of the three warriors of the elements.” I can use the elements of Air and Water I can only do some small things with them only my parents and I know of them. My sister did but she was killed almost two years ago, she was on a date with her boyfriend when she was stabbed I only met him a few times and he was really cool but after her funeral I never saw him again, I wish I could find him just so I could have some closer about her death but I doubt I'll ever see him again. Anyways I am about to go to Kadic Academy cause I want to go there, I wanna put this place behind me, the loss of my sister is the main reason I want to leave.


Pleasemrauthroletmehaveaspacetobreatheputinafullstoporacommaorsomethingbecausemylipsareturningblueandmyeyesareglazingovernow *Thud*

I wonder what this turnip wants to call himself?

Not that it matters, the rest of this chapter and most of the next is a weird re-hashing of events from previous in the story, and a hilarious fight sequence between REAPER and someone called William.

I don't think I can do it justice, please go check it out for yourselves, it will brighten your day!

Is this really GA?

I don't know, I don't know anything about Code Lyoko, so I've no idea of any cannonic issues, or OOC-ness, but what I do know is that it is fucking funny.

Enjoy

Kev.
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Rabid Badger
And This is Why I Need Medication
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PostSubject: Re: FEAR TEH REAPER   Sat Feb 12, 2011 6:33 pm

Quote :
After a few more minuets Xander Arrived at Kadic's Front Gate.

So after almost hitting the Japanese girl, the Reaper stopped to dance in the middle of the street? Wow, he IS hardcore!

Also, A Woman probably works the six a.m. to 6 p.m. shift. B Woman works 6 p.m. to 6 a.m.

I know nothing about the fandom either, but I know stupid when I see it.
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The Scientist
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PostSubject: Re: FEAR TEH REAPER   Sun Feb 13, 2011 10:15 am

I don't know about you guys, but I'm rooting for William.
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Tungsten Monk
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PostSubject: Re: FEAR TEH REAPER   Sun Feb 13, 2011 1:31 pm

Wait a minute. Wasn't Xander Cage the name of the blockhead main character in XXX?

. . . I'm now imagining this fic as starring Vin Diesel. It has become 500% more entertaining.
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rae
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PostSubject: Re: FEAR TEH REAPER   Sun Feb 13, 2011 1:33 pm

Tungsten Monk wrote:
Wait a minute. Wasn't Xander Cage the name of the blockhead main character in XXX?

. . . I'm now imagining this fic as starring Vin Diesel. It has become 500% more entertaining.

Especially since then it stops taking itself seriously and becomes an awesome spoof of every Trenchcoater fantasy ever. <3

This movie should exist.
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