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TheIan
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PostSubject: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Fri Feb 11, 2011 9:18 am

I've noticed Final Fantasy VII never gets any good fanfiction. Yuffie's Chocobo, Cloud Mows the Lawn, Beast and the Harlots, even the stuff that isn't squicky is terrible. The game is great, the story is magnificent, but the games following suck.

As does Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja.

My first thoughts in seeing this was, "Well shit, this is going to fail altogether!"

Quote :
I only own any OC characters.
This just went from bad to worse...

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Prolouge: Zack was standing in a pool of clear water,
He was going to learn to swim, and damn all if those floaties didn't help him.

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the reason for this is that he just died and is now on his way to the Lifestream.
Because...? Isn't the trip from the mortal plane to the Lifestream instantaneous? What, he had to buy a ticket to get a ride?

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"Those wings, I want them."
"Go drink your own Red Bull, damn you!"

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"Zack, you cannot come to the Lifestream just yet. You still have work to do."
Oh. It's going to be one those fics.
OR
"But I came all this way! How am I supposed to explain I came back from the dead?"
"Not my problem."
OR
Yes! Return to life and spread the word of the Flying Spaghetti Monster!

Quote :
"What do you mean Angeal? I died a hero, didn't I?"
"No, you got shot in the head fleeing from Shin-Ra."
"But I was fleeing in a heroic way, right?"
"No."

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"Yeas, but you are still needed in a far off land. In another Universe to be exact."
"In a parallel universe where you're batshit insane and Sephiroth is the level-headed one."
"Sonnuvabitch!"

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Angeal reached out another hand and revealed some form of Materia. "This Materia will work in two different ways. One is to send you to where you are needed.
"The other is cheap plot device Materia that inexplicably grants you all the god-like powers you had in life."

Quote :
"I also have one more parting gift for you." Angeal placed his hand out again and a flash formed in his hand and took the form of the Buster Sword.

"This Buster Sword replica I trust to you,
You mean one of these? Zack, you're better off. It's a piece of shit. The rat-tail tang breaks like Samuel L. Jackson in Unbreakable.

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I will watch over you to make sure you don't do anything reckless."
"But I won't be there in your time of need, I'm just a poorly thought-out plot contrivance."

And with that, we go into Chapter 1!

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It was just another day in Konoha, the sky was full of clouds, the air was fresh,
Naruto was on his twenty-third bowl of Ramen...

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nd there was another mid sized explosion coming from the Training Grounds. Said explosion belonged to Sean Uchiha, only surviving cousin of Sauske Uchiha.
Hey Itachi, you missed one!

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Sean said while wrapping up his hefty sword in the bandages once more.
That seems familiar...

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Meanwhile
IN THE HALL OF JUSTICE!
Nah, it's just in the forest...

Cue the text-wall!
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All was quiet in the Leaf Forest, all the animals were still asleep. Well, until a great big flash of light appeared out of nowhere. When the light dimmed, it revealed to be a person about thirteen years of age, spiky black hair sticking out the back of his head with the exception of the one skinny bang in front of his face. He appeared to be wearing a black sweater with the sleeves missing, with black pads on his shoulders, black combat pants and boots, and a strange brown emblem acting as the belt. Next to him was a large blade, a little big for him one would think. He stirred for a moment and opened his eyes, which were a brilliant sky blue in color. He rubbed his head and reached for the blade.

And then we get this:
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"I don't know where you sent me Angeal, but it looks very…. Woodsy." The boy said as he slung the blade over his shoulder and headed off in a random direction.
Because when you materialize in the middle of a forest in an entirely new universe, your first instinct is head in a random direction, rather than search for signs of civilization. Didn't SOLDIER teach you anything on basic survival, Zack?

We then cut to Sasuke's hippie cousin Stu in yet another painful text wall.
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Sean was walking by a small cave and decided to take a look inside, to see a lone wolf pup pick its head up as he walked in.
Where's the pup mother?

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It picked itself up and walked over to Sean, who bent down low enough to let the pup lick him. "Hey there, you all alone?" The pup lowered its head in sheer loneliness.
"I'm sure your mother will be back with some food from the hunt."

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"Tell ya what, how about I take you home with me. "I'm sure Sauske wouldn't mind if we had a new friend living with us.
That doesn't do that, Stu-thor.

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Now lift your left paw if you're a girl, right if you're a boy." Sean said motioning his hands, the wolf picked up it's left paw. "Alright, you're a girl. How 'bout I name you… Misora." The wolf pup perked its ears and licked Sean's face again.


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"Alright, Misora it is. Let's get you out of here." Sean picked up Misora and cradled her in his arms. "If anything, Kiba and Akamaru will take a liking to you." Sean said to her as she started falling asleep in his arms.
And you're going to have a pissed off mommy-wolf searching for her pup. Hopefully when she finds you, she tears your throat out.

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"Alright, I've been wandering these woods for awhile now and I haven't found anyone or a way out." The boy clad in black said to himself for the third time in the past 15 minutes.
Still having trouble looking for the plot, Zack?

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The boy ended up not being able to stop as he ran right into an outer cave wall, right in front of someone. "Argh! That's smarts!" "Hey, are you alright? Not many people I know can take a wall to the face and complain about it as fast as you can."
And therein lies the daily quota for humor in this story, as well as where I'll leave off.

Cyberwulf in a future post wrote:
Shaka as the walls fell...


Last edited by TheIan on Fri Feb 11, 2011 11:55 am; edited 1 time in total
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InkWeaver
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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Fri Feb 11, 2011 9:26 am

^ Cyberwulf doesn't say "cunt."

AT LEAST GET THAT RIGHT IAN JESUS
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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Fri Feb 11, 2011 9:39 am

I have to say I'm with Cyberwulf in what she's said on other threads. I know nothing about any version of Final Fantasy, so apart from some slightly dodgy grammar, and the bit about picking up the wolf cub, I don't see what's so bad about this story. It's just very dull and mediocre, as is the sporking.
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Cyberwulf
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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Fri Feb 11, 2011 1:47 pm

Nihilist wrote:
You're lampshading the fact you're terminally unfunny.
In the hopes it makes your funny, well... funny.

HURRR I MADE A FUNNY.
He gets half a point for changing it to "Shaka when the walls fell." EDIT: Oh wait, he even got that line wrong.
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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Fri Feb 11, 2011 3:02 pm

TheIan wrote:
I've noticed Final Fantasy VII never gets any good fanfiction. Yuffie's Chocobo, Cloud Mows the Lawn, Beast and the Harlots, even the stuff that isn't squicky is terrible. The game is great, the story is magnificent...
And more proof, as if we needed any, that you've a terminal case of idiocy.
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TheIan
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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Fri Feb 11, 2011 4:04 pm

Cyberwulf wrote:
Nihilist wrote:
You're lampshading the fact you're terminally unfunny.
In the hopes it makes your funny, well... funny.

HURRR I MADE A FUNNY.
He gets half a point for changing it to "Shaka when the walls fell." EDIT: Oh wait, he even got that line wrong.
Can't be right all the time.

KGarrett wrote:
TheIan wrote:
I've noticed Final Fantasy VII never gets any good fanfiction. Yuffie's Chocobo, Cloud Mows the Lawn, Beast and the Harlots, even the stuff that isn't squicky is terrible. The game is great, the story is magnificent...
And more proof, as if we needed any, that you've a terminal case of idiocy.
I'm sorry, who are you, what'd I do to piss you off, and since the fuck when has my opinion been interpretation for, "this guy is a complete moron, group him with the rest of the the idiots and Scientology"?
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TheIan
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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Fri Feb 11, 2011 5:16 pm

Nihilist wrote:
Nobody said you were an idiot and was grouped with Scientology (lol you're your own religious cult?).
I'd love to have my own cult. No one would mess with me, then! Of course it'd peter out of control and end up like all the other cults, mass suicide and all.

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You're projecting and jumping to conclusions. Makes you look every part of a whiny manchild.
Hurtful as that is, I respect your honesty.

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I'm saying this not to win HURRpoints but because it seems to me as if you have genuine issues that beg to be looked at. Although I really don't want to attempt playing Armchair Psychiatrist.
My issue is with the fact it feels like every time I post a snark, Wulf has to bring the entire Spanish Inquisition. Because, Optimus Christ forbid, my snark doesn't appeal to her sense of humor, and it doesn't meet her standards!

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Just saying, your responses are *quite* off the mark and that means people will pick on you. Wink
Thanks for pointing out my flaws. Maybe that explains my bully problem in Middle School.

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Trust me, I used to jump to conclusions too.
And yet you're still cool.
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Cyberwulf
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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Fri Feb 11, 2011 6:52 pm

Quote :
My issue is with the fact it feels like every time I post a snark, Wulf has to bring the entire Spanish Inquisition.
Be funny, then. You can start by finding something that's genuinely bad. You can continue by not trying to MST everything. And stop saying "Optimus Christ", Ian. I'll slap His name out of your mouth.
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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Fri Feb 11, 2011 7:09 pm

Cyberwulf wrote:
Quote :
My issue is with the fact it feels like every time I post a snark, Wulf has to bring the entire Spanish Inquisition.
Be funny, then.
Oh, like that helps any. Maybe you haven't noticed, but our definitions of "funny" are clearly on different ends of the spectrum.

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You can start by finding something that's genuinely bad.
At least that I can agree with.

Quote :
You can continue by not trying to MST everything.
I figure that's just standard procedure.
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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Mon Feb 14, 2011 11:48 am

TheIan wrote:
Oh, like that helps any. Maybe you haven't noticed, but our definitions of "funny" are clearly on different ends of the spectrum.

If you're posting up a snarking of a story, you need to realize that what you might find funny might not be to everyone else, and the point of doing these is to, you know, get others to laugh. If you want your snark to be successful, you need to consider how others will respond and ask yourself 'is this funny, or is it dumb?'.

You really shouldn't blame other people for having a 'different definition of funny' just because this snark didn't do well. It's clear from the last few that you just aren't good at it and you should work on fixing it and learning from others or not do them at all.
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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Tue Feb 15, 2011 4:29 am

TheIan wrote:
Oh, like that helps any. Maybe you haven't noticed, but our definitions of "funny" are clearly on different ends of the spectrum.

What about these snarks struck you as funny? Why?
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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Tue Mar 01, 2011 12:56 am

Penguin wrote:
TheIan wrote:
Oh, like that helps any. Maybe you haven't noticed, but our definitions of "funny" are clearly on different ends of the spectrum.

What about these snarks struck you as funny? Why?


What about Wulf`s snarks strike you as funny? I`ve read a couple. They`re not. In fact, just like her comments, I find them bitchy and pretentious. Who died and made her Queen of the Snark? Should I start going in to all her threads and telling her how much she blows? What, are we 12? I read the posting sticky. Not only did I not see any rule that said a snark has to meet Wulf`s requirements, I didn`t see anything that said a snark has to be really funny, either.


People do find different things funny. There are way too many porn snarks on here. You guys might find snarking those funny. I don`t. Are you going to stop doing it because I don`t find it funny?Why should you have to? I don`t like it, I don`t click on it.


I enjoy the snarks here, funny or not. Isn`t that what this site is all about?

Sorry about the wall 'o text. I`m writing this on my DSi, and, for some reason, it doesn`t like spaces.
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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Tue Mar 01, 2011 4:56 am

kelley28 wrote:
What about Wulf`s snarks strike you as funny?

Fuck all. That's completely irrelevant. It was an honest question.

Also, all this "I saw no rule" horseshit smacks of sockpuppetry.
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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Tue Mar 01, 2011 2:47 pm

Penguin wrote:
kelley28 wrote:
What about Wulf`s snarks strike you as funny?

Fuck all. That's completely irrelevant. It was an honest question.

Also, all this "I saw no rule" horseshit smacks of sockpuppetry.

I didn't say it wasn't an honest question, and I find it very relevant. If she's going to hijack a thread, and you're going to agree every time she speaks, then give us the reasons why she's funny and Ian's not. So, her and Ian don't have the same sense of humor. Big deal. Why do you find them unfunny? Or do you have an opinion that doesn't revolve around what she thinks? Who really cares if one or two people are laughing and everyone else isn't? Jeez, I thought we were supposed to be having fun with this.

Sockpuppetry? I've been here almost a year now. If I was Ian, I would have used this account long ago, to tell PMSing people to stop hijacking my thread. Also, the last time I checked, I'm a girl. If Ian's a guy, it would be physically impossible for me to be him. Besides, this isn't high school. Creating another account to tell people what you think about them is retarded.

I just finally decided to say something, because I'm tired of the whining every time a snark doesn't agree with how someone else would have written it. I have an idea, if you don't like it, do your own. That way, we can all decide which one we like better and everyone will be happy.
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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Tue Mar 01, 2011 3:00 pm

kelley28 wrote:
Should I start going in to all her threads and telling her how much she blows? What, are we 12?
OH NO DON'T SAY ANYONE THAT THEY BLOW THAT'S CHILDISH

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I have an idea, if you don't like it, do your own.
Yeah, been here a year my ass.
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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Tue Mar 01, 2011 5:11 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Tue Mar 01, 2011 5:22 pm

kelley28 wrote:
I didn't say it wasn't an honest question, and I find it very relevant.

Then you're an idiot.

Quote :
If she's going to hijack a thread, and you're going to agree every time she speaks, then give us the reasons why she's funny and Ian's not.

That doesn't make any goddamn sense. At all. You don't have to be a successful stand-up comedian to dislike Dane Cook, nor do you have to enjoy someone's attempts at comedy when they criticize someone else's.

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So, her and Ian don't have the same sense of humor. Big deal.

Seriously, what the fuck does Cyberwulf have to do with any of this?

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Why do you find them unfunny?

We've gone over this in-depth in a couple of his snark threads now.

Quote :
Or do you have an opinion that doesn't revolve around what she thinks?

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :
Who really cares if one or two people are laughing and everyone else isn't? Jeez, I thought we were supposed to be having fun with this.

Are you even dimly aware of what this site is for?

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Sockpuppetry? I've been here almost a year now.

Means nothing, especially since you're so friggin' clueless.

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If I was Ian, I would have used this account long ago, to tell PMSing people to stop hijacking my thread.

Better late than never, right Ian?

Quote :
Also, the last time I checked, I'm a girl. If Ian's a guy, it would be physically impossible for me to be him.

Yes, it would be physically impossible for you to pretend to be a different gender in a text-only format. Have you used the Internet before?

Quote :
I just finally decided to say something, because I'm tired of the whining every time a snark doesn't agree with how someone else would have written it. I have an idea, if you don't like it, do your own. That way, we can all decide which one we like better and everyone will be happy.

DON'T LIKE DON'T READ
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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Tue Mar 01, 2011 5:35 pm

kelley28 referring to Penguin wrote:
Or do you have an opinion that doesn't revolve around what she thinks?

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I've been here almost a year now.

These two quotations do not compute.
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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Tue Mar 01, 2011 9:12 pm

Penguin wrote:
kelley28 wrote:
I didn't say it wasn't an honest question, and I find it very relevant.

Then you're an idiot.

Quote :
If she's going to hijack a thread, and you're going to agree every time she speaks, then give us the reasons why she's funny and Ian's not.

That doesn't make any goddamn sense. At all. You don't have to be a successful stand-up comedian to dislike Dane Cook, nor do you have to enjoy someone's attempts at comedy when they criticize someone else's.

Quote :
So, her and Ian don't have the same sense of humor. Big deal.

Seriously, what the fuck does Cyberwulf have to do with any of this?

Quote :
Why do you find them unfunny?

We've gone over this in-depth in a couple of his snark threads now.

Quote :
Or do you have an opinion that doesn't revolve around what she thinks?

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :
Who really cares if one or two people are laughing and everyone else isn't? Jeez, I thought we were supposed to be having fun with this.

Are you even dimly aware of what this site is for?

Quote :
Sockpuppetry? I've been here almost a year now.

Means nothing, especially since you're so friggin' clueless.

Quote :
If I was Ian, I would have used this account long ago, to tell PMSing people to stop hijacking my thread.

Better late than never, right Ian?

Quote :
Also, the last time I checked, I'm a girl. If Ian's a guy, it would be physically impossible for me to be him.

Yes, it would be physically impossible for you to pretend to be a different gender in a text-only format. Have you used the Internet before?

Quote :
I just finally decided to say something, because I'm tired of the whining every time a snark doesn't agree with how someone else would have written it. I have an idea, if you don't like it, do your own. That way, we can all decide which one we like better and everyone will be happy.

DON'T LIKE DON'T READ

You`re right! Don't like it, don't read it. Then why are you in every thread Ian makes, knocking his snarks? You're not going to like them. Why read them? And I find Dane Cook very funny. You don't? That's fine. It's not going to ruin my day, and I'm not going to go into every thread you make and criticize you for it.

Yes, I know it`s easy to pretend to be someone else on the internet. Why would I want to?

What does Wulf have to do with this? This was her latest bitchfest, and this was the thread I chose to address it in, because, honestly, it's irritating. Is she blowing you or something? You are in every thread she touches. Wait, that's not possible. She only does this to threads written by guys. If she has a problem with guys, maybe a trip to the psychiatrist is in order.

I know what this site is for. I used to be on GAFF. Which I remember was about bad fan fiction, not about bitching about people's snarks. Some people aren't funny. Who cares?

But, you're going to think what you want, and so am I. Arguing isn't going to get us anywhere. I've already taken the necessary steps in the "don't like, don't read" campaign. You should follow your own advice.

*EDIT*

I'd like to apologize. No, I'm still not Ian, and that's not why I am apologizing. This kind of arguing would be better off in a PM or in a thread designed for that purpose. It doesn't belong in a snark thread, unless the idea is to snark the snark.

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Alhazred
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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Tue Mar 01, 2011 10:25 pm

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You`re right! Don't like it, don't read it. Then why are you in every thread Ian makes, knocking his snarks? You're not going to like them. Why read them?

Because he likes poking Ian with a stick, obviously.


Quote :
What does Wulf have to do with this? This was her latest bitchfest, and this was the thread I chose to address it in, because, honestly, it's irritating. Is she blowing you or something? You are in every thread she touches. Wait, that's not possible. She only does this to threads written by guys. If she has a problem with guys, maybe a trip to the psychiatrist is in order.

Oh my god I would pay to see Cyberdildo actually look at a penis and the ensuing act of taking a sledgehammer to her own groin just in case looking at it has caused one to sprout from her undead vagina.

But seriously, most of the men on this board are the last people you need to convince that she's a raving loony, let alone just unfunny. She just happens to be irrelevant in this particular case.


kelly28 wrote:
What about Wulf`s snarks strike you as funny?

Penguin wrote:
Fuck all. That's completely irrelevant.

Seriously, what the fuck does Cyberwulf have to do with any of this?"

kelly28 wrote:
What does Wulf have to do with this?

Why does this remind me of Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck doing the "Duck season!" "Rabbit season!" scene?
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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Tue Mar 01, 2011 10:49 pm

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She just happens to be irrelevant in this particular case.

You're right. Sorry, had to deal with more stupid than I could handle, at work today. (I work in a call center.)

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Why does this remind me of Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck doing the "Duck season!" "Rabbit season!" scene?

Hey, it does sound like that, doesn't it? This is what happens when you deal with idiot adults all day. You lose your ability be rational.
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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Tue Mar 01, 2011 11:13 pm

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kelley28 wrote:
Quote :
She just happens to be irrelevant in this particular case.

You're right. Sorry, had to deal with more stupid than I could handle, at work today. (I work in a call center.)

Quote :
Why does this remind me of Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck doing the "Duck season!" "Rabbit season!" scene?

Hey, it does sound like that, doesn't it? This is what happens when you deal with idiot adults all day. You lose your ability be rational.



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PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Wed Mar 02, 2011 3:54 am

kelley28 wrote:
You`re right! Don't like it, don't read it.

This is why we're all calling bullshit on your claim of having been around for a year. "Don't like, don't read" is a common retort from authors who don't like having their fics snarked, or even constructively criticized.

Quote :
Then why are you in every thread Ian makes, knocking his snarks?

Because letting bad writing slide is the absolute last thing this forum is about?

Quote :
It's not going to ruin my day, and I'm not going to go into every thread you make and criticize you for it.

I don't go to every one of Ian's threads and say YOUR SNARKS ARE BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD. I've critqued... what, two of his snark threads? Out of how many?

Quote :
Yes, I know it`s easy to pretend to be someone else on the internet. Why would I want to?

Because for all we know you could be an imaginary friend Ian drew up to defend himself. You make very similar statements.

Quote :
What does Wulf have to do with this? This was her latest bitchfest, and this was the thread I chose to address it in, because, honestly, it's irritating.

Well then, why the fuck are you talking to me?

Quote :
Is she blowing you or something?

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You are in every thread she touches.

1: No.
2: Pay attention. See how often there is any agreement whatsoever.

Quote :
I know what this site is for. I used to be on GAFF. Which I remember was about bad fan fiction, not about bitching about people's snarks. Some people aren't funny. Who cares?

If this was true then you'd be aware that a mediocre snarking doesn't mean shit. If we're going to mercilessly mock 12-year-olds for writing Twilight slashfic with horrible grammar we can damn sure take grown ass adults to task for failure to snark.

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It doesn't belong in a snark thread, unless the idea is to snark the snark.

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kelley28

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Join date : 2010-04-02
Age : 41
Location : Red Base

PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Wed Mar 02, 2011 4:35 am

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If we're going to mercilessly mock 12-year-olds for writing Twilight slashfic with horrible grammar we can damn sure take grown ass adults to task for failure to snark.

But, is all Twilight slashfic with horrible grammar bad enough to snark? Maybe it's just boring and mediocre. Or, would you be snarking it because you just don't like Twilight? I have seen many snarkers chastised for that very reason. You can't have it both ways. Either everyone gets to do it, or no one does.

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Well then, why the fuck are you talking to me?

Probably because I read some of your other posts and you went from a nice, helpful person to a whiner. Two threads in a row and saying the same thing you said last time. I figured once was plenty. If someone is going to listen to you, they'll change. If not, you might as well let it go.

My join date is right under my name. I couldn't fake that if I wanted to. And I'm not an imaginary friend. I am going to ask for a truce, because I can admit when I'm wrong and made a mistake.
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TheIan
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
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Join date : 2009-06-12
Location : Dining car on the Train of Time, DenLiner

PostSubject: Re: Fallen SOLDIER, Rising Ninja   Wed Mar 02, 2011 7:44 am

I think what Kelley is trying to say, Penguin, is

GET THE FUCK OFF MY BACK!

Your need to nitpick every statement and invalidate it is getting old. Give it a fucking rest.
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