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 Snarking Soemele... NWS

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Knorg
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PostSubject: Snarking Soemele... NWS   Wed Jun 24, 2009 2:12 pm

The reposting continues with two stories by Soemele, who some readers may know as the Labia On The Table guy from Paheal!

The first one, in this post, is based on Xenogears and the one on the post below on Silent Hill 3.

Story: Botched Resurrection by Soemele
Link: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

The story has been on adultfanfiction for two months, and gained 110 hits (as of this post). This indicates one of two things: Xenogears fanfiction is about as popular as a O.J. Simpson's new book "The Holocaust: How I would have done it." OR people see the name Soemele and consider that they want to keep their pot noodle down after all.
Quotes will be in bold, or quote boxes, or whatever I damn well feel like.

"An old man whose life was ruined by Miang Hawwa tracks evil to its source and decides to extinguish it"

Extinguish in this case means rape, torture and making poopy. Lots of poopy. We're talking 'About an hour after I bought a tray of unidentified meat curry off a street vendor in Aberdeen' levels of poopy. This story has the niagra falls of poop.

“I’m telling you,” the old man muttered, his voice slowly escalating in volume as he spoke until he was yelling, “it’s a goddamn she demon! A bitch monster that’s just waiting for you in every woman. Every woman you touch! Every woman you love. There’s a fucking monster in there, just waiting to eat you alive!”

As the room fell silent Hillary vowed to herself that Bill would not be permitted to speak at another rally.

He stood and slowly shuffled away down the street, muttering to himself, occasionally crying out in incomprehensible language.

In post fic interviews, Soemele denied basing the character on VileCorp.

Then she was there, across the street. Was this a hallucination? A vision? ‘Have I died and gone to hell?’ the old man wondered. ‘Did she kill me?’

It turned out that rather than hell, he was simply in Newark.

the goddamn demon bitch’s purple hair and purple eyes. It was then he knew that she had to die

"It's a fan of Prince! Kill it!"

On reflection, he realised that everyone had to die. It was what they called certainty, as sure as taxation or somebody taking a dump in an inappropriate place in a Soemele story.

Whether this was her, whether this was truly Miang or not, he didn’t care. To simply resemble her was crime enough.

When the old man had been obsessed with Rosie O'Donnell he had slaughtered cattle for the same reason.

Man then walks into alley and falls asleep while humming a cheerful old tune.

The fist slammed up into her belly, and with a sick coughing sound she retched the contents of her stomach on the floor; vomit, streaks of blood, and teeth she had swallowed while she was unconscious spattering in thick clumps down between her breasts and onto the cold stone floor under her feet.

"I don't remember eating those bits of carrot."

She screamed in pain, barely able to understand what was going on, as fingers roughly tore up into her cunt and yanked back, pulling her off of her feet

When Birds Eye frozen foods turn nasty.

Miang fell heavy to the floor, her hip grating with a quiet crunch as she fell, unable to defend herself from gravity with her bound and damaged arms.

Gravity fights like a pussy!

she’d lost control of her bladder and was now lying in a pool of her piss.

She couldn't sue, because the Metallica CD had warned this was a possible side effect of the music.

He sat on her leg, grating the jagged ends of bone that stuck out of her flesh against the floor as she screamed and screamed and screamed…

Cue Just William gag.

Little pieces of blood and flesh and bone and nail stuck to her face.

She regretted dressing up for her meal at the House of Blue Leaves.

He rubbed her face up and down in the slick vomitous mess. “This is the filth you’ve made! Eat it you monster bitch! Eat it! Eat it! Eat it or I swear I will hurt you…”

A scene from the Burger King Manager's Video Guide to staff dicipline.

he forced her ravaged mouth into the pile of shit and cum on the floor,

"We love poop! We love poop! We love poop!"

After pushing her bloody red and purple scalp up, between her legs, through her torn-open vagina and into her ruptured uterus

How not to fit a merkin.

avenging cock

Ennis's rejected idea for a new JLA member.

There was no face left. There were just three bloody holes in a pile of shit covered meat.

she was just so so so so beautiful.

"We love poop! We love poop! We love poop!"

The police were able to deduce that the old man they found, a once rich and successful man who had ended up in abject poverty under mysterious circumstances, was most likely the serial killer who had been systematically raping and murdering women all across the city.

Bill Gates: The post-depression years.
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Knorg
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PostSubject: Re: Snarking Soemele... NWS   Wed Jun 24, 2009 2:14 pm

Story: Born From a Mirror by Soemele
Link: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Now, the summary is thrilling stuff: Heather has an encounter with a mirror

Needless to say, on the basis of that pitch Soemele has been offered work in Hollywood making High Concept movies.

The hallway blurred, and shifted.

Buy a better quality video card, dude.

“What… happened?” she whimpered, ‘The last thing I remember I was climbing a ladder, and then I was back in the hospital… but it was different…’

"Clean, friendly staff, efficient service, kindly nurses... I had to be in Silent Hill because damn that wasn't the NHS."

This room was for the most part unremarkable in this world of blood and rust, with two exceptions. There was a sink in the corner of the room on the right side of the door she’d entered, and the opposite and widest wall was given over entirely to one giant, room-length mirror.

"Never a toilet when you need one," she muttered, cross legged.

She stood like this for almost a minute, assessing the damage, when she saw something in the mirror and felt the bile rise in her throat again. Behind her, tendrils of red slowly came out of the sink.

I know what y'all thinking. Tentacle rape. It's like saying hello in Japan, after all. Well, you wish.

She whirled around, nearly falling over as her knees weakened again in shock, only to find… Nothing. The sink stood there innocuously, innocently, in seeming denial of any maliciousness.

After a four hour interrogation by the Metropolitan Police, the sink had confessed to a string of unsolved crimes and fallen down the stairs twice.

Slowly, the sound of her heart and her breath echoing in her head, she turned back to the mirror. The red tendrils had progressed further; they were flowing over the floor and walls slowly towards her mirror-self. However, what really terrified her this time, other than the red water’s creeping progress, was that her double in the mirror had not moved. Her duplicate stared back at her with pleading eyes, and she could almost hear her duplicate begging for salvation.

Heather ran like hell. Going through the looking glass was a job for Alice.

She banged on the glass as hard as she could. She used each of the weapons she’d collected in turn, banging at, cutting at, shooting at the glass. None of them did a thing,

Desperate, she pulled out a photo of Pete Doherty after a night on the town. The mirror shattered instantly.

The naked Heather on the other side of the mirror collapsed onto the red-covered floor, as the tendrils explored her.

"I shall claim this virgin terratory for the tendril Queen!"
"Infidel! I claim this for the tendril Pope!"
"To arms! Well... Tendrils"

She was shivering as the red water violated her, dripping everywhere. The world moaned as the red water gently made its way up and in, flowing into her vagina and up through her asshole. Everything was happening in reverse, and as though she was simultaneous urinated, defecating, and lactating all in reverse the red water flowed into and through her nipples, urethra, and sphincter.

The niche market fetish for watching water sports and scat videos on rewind originated in Canada. For real.

And now for something completely different:

Her mirror-self was standing again, and staring at her. It was different than before though, because while the figure in the mirror was undeniably her it looked in, many ways, completely different.

"I didn't want to be mirror Heather. I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK!"

The dark Heather bent her fingers sadistically, hard iron digits digging cruelly through the top of Heather’s cunt to come out on top, covered in blood, a couple of inches from her entrance. With a flourish, the double pulled her fingers out hard, removing Heather’s clitoris as well as all of the surrounding flesh.

Heather began to regret signing up for the cut price gender re-assignment surgery

or

Mirror Heather's extreme religious learnings included female circumcision and having a fish on her car.

The world once more vibrated with the monster’s satisfied giggle, as she slowly squatted down above Heather’s violated form and placed her thumbs over Heather’s eyes. Slowly gouging her thumbs into Heather’s eye sockets,

"Peekaboo! Peekaboo! Peekasquelch!"

her double pissed red water into her recently de-tongued mouth.

Non-specific UTI you ask me. Needs to see a doctor.

Then the second, and you may be happy to hear, concluding part:

This chapter contains: NC, F/F, M/F, Fdom, torture, snuff, and undead sex. If the above description freaks you out you probably shouldn't read this story... pussy.

Yeah, cos that shit would freak out fans of Silent Hill. I bet half of them are reading this and thinking "Whoa, this is like the kiddy Silent Hill! Where's the real violence?"

Claudia had been coming to this church all her life, since she was a little girl. Admittedly, it had changed somewhat recently. The sun never came out any more, blood seemed to be everywhere, and she could hear monsters scurrying and shambling through the hallways.

"Why did we have to re-consecrate it from Methodist to Catholic?"

When the room turned cold she’d been kneeling in front of an altar, praying to god for paradise.

"and, Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?"

However, the sudden change started her out of her rapturous revery, and she quickly stumbled to her bare feet- too quickly, as it turned out. Having just been kneeling for almost two hours her legs were almost completely numb, and she fell back down onto her rump

*Canned Laughter played at pratfall*

Heather shifted slightly so Claudia could see. Directly outside the door of the church was Brookhaven Hospital, not even a full street width away. The two buildings were so close there was barely even room for the church’s doors to open outwards.
“But… How…”


"We moved the entire town five miles down the road after Homer fucked up the garbage job. Some bits got mixed up. Now let us never speak of it again."

She could smell a putrid stench, as though a corpse had gone rotting for weeks. Craning her neck back to try to get a look at what it was, Claudia was terrified to see nothing but a great bleeding orifice where the face should be.

"Rush Limbaugh! OH GOD NO!"

Heather once more glided forward and lifted the fabric up, exposing Claudia’s panties to the empty pews lining the church.

"I see London, I see France..."

Terrified, Claudia looked back at her. She would clearly rather resign herself to tasting and smelling her own urine than to being painfully blinded by an irate teenager-god.

"mmmm... urine... did I say I didn't like it? nom nom!"

“You know, I picked this one out special. There are tons of these monsters all over Silent Hill, but this one had one special attribute, one I wanted to save just for you.”

"When you kill him you get Wirt's Leg!"

Her blood was running down its legs and onto the altar, shit dripping out of her ravaged bowels whenever the beast once more lifted her up, only to slam her down again.

Luckily, Father Ted was able to get Mrs Doyle to clean off the altar before the next service.

in its rotting orgasm the monster had spewed a cocktail of puss and maggots into her intestines

Pus, surely? Are did it just blast an enraged cat up there?

Faster and faster Heather’s scrawny body rode the pale-skinned woman, until finally Heather screamed and, spittle dripping thickly from her mouth, stabbed the blade down into Claudia’s pussy.

"Take that, enraged cat!"

Heather opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling of the small church. She sighed, somewhat disappointed. “I wish I could kill her again already.”

"Oh cool! I can! I still have my earlier save game file!"
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Knorg
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PostSubject: Re: Snarking Soemele... NWS   Wed Jun 24, 2009 2:16 pm

While building that shortlived Malice persona, I also did some extra snark on this'n, quality... uh... variable.

Well, here I go:
Born From a Mirror

More like... PORN from a mirror!
Still not funny?

‘I guess all of the demons in hell are no match for a teenage girl’s vanity,’ she thought with an ironic smirk.

Hell hath no fury like a woman PORNED
Diminishing returns?

She’d almost lost it completely when she’d found her father’s corpse (her adoptive father, as she found out later),

"Daddy?"
*pokes with stick*

she swore to make Claudia pay for his death

"And you better pay in Canadian dollars because American ain't worth shit right now!"

The sink stood there innocuously, innocently, in seeming denial of any maliciousness.

This line sporks itself.

The floor vibrated, the walls pulsed; this scream was everything except audible.

"this scream was, in fact, just an open mouth."

The Heather on the other side of the mirror thrashed around, trying to escape from the flow of the red water.

"MOSES! HOW COULD YOU?"

She was shivering as the red water violated her, dripping everywhere

Her mirror-self was standing again, and staring at her.

"The red water was having a post coital cigarette."

The figure in the mirror’s skin was pale, almost translucent, like a drowned corpse.

"Hey look! It's 'Phlebas the Phoenician, a fortnight dead'!"

Her hair was black. And where the mirror-Heather’s eyes had been lost, sad, and pathetic, this girl’s eyes were burning with lust and cruelty.

Hair: "Is it 'coz I is black?"

Slowly, she raised a hand towards her reflection, wondering if she could really be seeing this apparition…

"Nah, after everything else I've seen something like this couldn't be real. Must be that mushroom pizza I had at the roadside."

Heather couldn’t scream, the eyes still paralyzed her with their lust and fury

"Told by an idiot, full of lust and fury, Signifying rapetime!"

Dark Heather let Heather fall once more to the floor, gripping the place between her legs where her clit used to be as blood welled between her fingers and she screamed through gritted teeth

"Golly, that really stings what?"

What is the reason for the sudden tense chance at the end of the first part?

She knew it as well as she’d known any building she’d ever lived in; and this chill was new. There was a peculiar intensity to it, as though the chill were so great that it sucked the color and life out of the world

Sounds like summer in Brighton

When the room turned cold she’d been kneeling in front of an altar, praying to god for paradise.

"and 72 virgins! Allahu Akbar min kulli shay! But not Richard Branson."

Claudia’s eyes went wide as she felt the huge and putrid log pressing against her back

The engagement with David Copperfield was broken off soon after.

And, finally bearing down to completely deny the pale and agonized woman oxygen, Heather rode Claudia’s agonized dying spasms to a perfect high.

"UNIQUE STUNT BONUS!"

Carefully, Heather untangled herself from Claudia’s mutilated body,

Carefully? What, worried about hurting her?

The coming days would be busy, not only consumed in the business of godhood but also in preaching the word of her own coming to the world.

"Hey world! I just came! Whoa! Just did it again!"
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Knorg
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PostSubject: Re: Snarking Soemele... NWS   Sun Feb 19, 2012 9:25 am

...whoa, this is painfully unfunny. Musta been stoned.
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grmblfjx
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PostSubject: Re: Snarking Soemele... NWS   Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:29 am

HELL NO I'm not reading his shit again.

Literally. Heh.
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PostSubject: Re: Snarking Soemele... NWS   Sun Feb 19, 2012 11:18 am

Yes, there was rather an abundance of poop. You could never accuse Soemele of not giving his fans what they want!
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