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 X-men: Dealing With by artery_break

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Technobrat

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Join date : 2009-12-01

PostSubject: X-men: Dealing With by artery_break   Tue Feb 08, 2011 12:15 pm

So here we have a bad X-men Slash fiction. It's short and there's no sex. But the grammar. Ye gods, the grammar.

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Quote :
Logan feels the scream ripped from his chest as he wakes with a start.

So screams can be ripped from your chest as you wake up? Who's doing the ripping? And the tense of the sentence is total fail.

Quote :
Jesus Christ, when was this shit going to stop? It was starting to piss him off. The constant dreams were beginning to wear on him. He found himself wanting to go permanently insane just so he could stop caring. It is late or early if you like. Either way Logan knows he needs to get the hell away from civilization before he decides to impale something. He lets his mind wonder down that path for a bit, One-Eye skewered on his claws is lookin' mighty tempting. He smiles at the thought and is startled when he sees his reflection grinning back at him. Fuck, he looked like one sadistic mother fucker.

And in the next few sentences the tense completely changes! Twice!

Quote :
Freezin', rests his head on a pillow made of concrete, again Oh, Feelin' maybe he'll see a little better, set a days, ooh yeah Oh, hand out, faces that he sees time again ain't that familiar, oh yeah Oh, dark grin, he can't help, when he's happy looks insane, oh yeah

I read this sentence, and wonder which song got ripped off.

Quote :
Suddenly, emotions begin pouring from Logan like a flood. It hits Remy like a ton of bricks and he is reeling. Logan had never let this much of himself show before and it startles Remy. Before he could even think, Remy grabs Logan and pulls him into a bear hug. Logan instantly went rigid but then relaxes as he wraps his arms around Remy's waist and buries his face in the crook of Remy's neck. He doesn't cry, he can't. He just holds on for dear life to keep himself from slipping into oblivion. Remy holds him as tightly as he dares. Finally, Remy loosens his grip enough so he can look at Logan. Then, he closes his eyes and presses his lips against Logan's. Logan growls softly and parts his lips to let Remy in. Remy tastes of spice and cigarettes and sweetness. Remy moans and runs his fingers up and down Logan's spine.


Logan as a borderline weepy uke? I don't fucking think so!


Last edited by Technobrat on Tue Feb 08, 2011 12:34 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Braigwen
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PostSubject: Re: X-men: Dealing With by artery_break   Tue Feb 08, 2011 12:20 pm

Quote :
Quotes are your friend.

Use them so we can figure out what is coming from where.

Otherwise, good find.

Edit: If you re confused as to what the Quotes are, look for the button that looks like two speech bubbles.
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Technobrat

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PostSubject: Re: X-men: Dealing With by artery_break   Tue Feb 08, 2011 12:34 pm

Braigwen wrote:
Quote :
Quotes are your friend.

Use them so we can figure out what is coming from where.

Otherwise, good find.

Edit: If you re confused as to what the Quotes are, look for the button that looks like two speech bubbles.

Fixed. I've seen some people do the italics thing instead of quotes.
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Braigwen
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PostSubject: Re: X-men: Dealing With by artery_break   Tue Feb 08, 2011 1:09 pm

Technobrat wrote:
Braigwen wrote:
Quote :
Quotes are your friend.

Use them so we can figure out what is coming from where.

Otherwise, good find.

Edit: If you re confused as to what the Quotes are, look for the button that looks like two speech bubbles.

Fixed. I've seen some people do the italics thing instead of quotes.

True. But it is easier on the eye.
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Sheba
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PostSubject: Re: X-men: Dealing With by artery_break   Tue Feb 08, 2011 2:07 pm

Am I the only one who initially read the title as the X-Men Dealing With An Artery Break and was all ready to be grossed out by hemmorhage!gore-porn?


....Never have I been so glad to be proven wrong.

Also, what exactly is flooding out of Logan in that last paragraph? Tears? Vomit? Semen? ....blood?

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Technobrat

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PostSubject: Re: X-men: Dealing With by artery_break   Tue Feb 08, 2011 2:14 pm

Sheba wrote:
Am I the only one who initially read the title as the X-Men Dealing With An Artery Break and was all ready to be grossed out by hemmorhage!gore-porn?


....Never have I been so glad to be proven wrong.

Also, what exactly is flooding out of Logan in that last paragraph? Tears? Vomit? Semen? ....blood?


It's almost worse when the author leaves it up to the readers' imaginations.
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Braigwen
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PostSubject: Re: X-men: Dealing With by artery_break   Tue Feb 08, 2011 2:26 pm

Technobrat wrote:
Sheba wrote:
Am I the only one who initially read the title as the X-Men Dealing With An Artery Break and was all ready to be grossed out by hemmorhage!gore-porn?


....Never have I been so glad to be proven wrong.

Also, what exactly is flooding out of Logan in that last paragraph? Tears? Vomit? Semen? ....blood?


It's almost worse when the author leaves it up to the readers' imaginations.

You mean you have to choose?

And I smell a troll. I doubt a fanbrat would be smart enough to make the title and Author's name come out that squicky.
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Cyberwulf
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PostSubject: Re: X-men: Dealing With by artery_break   Tue Feb 08, 2011 2:40 pm

Oh yay, more mediocre shit.

If your biggest complaint is BAWWW LOGAN'S NOT A OOKEY, then the fic doesn't belong here. Even if the author can't pick a tense.
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Notanoni
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PostSubject: Re: X-men: Dealing With by artery_break   Tue Feb 08, 2011 7:27 pm

I'm extremely impressed that "rigid" was actually used. It's like fanfic authors everywhere have an allergy to the correct use of "rigid" and always use "ridged" instead.
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Braigwen
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PostSubject: Re: X-men: Dealing With by artery_break   Tue Feb 08, 2011 7:31 pm

Notanoni wrote:
I'm extremely impressed that "rigid" was actually used. It's like fanfic authors everywhere have an allergy to the correct use of "rigid" and always use "ridged" instead.

Hukt onn Foniks wurkd fr mee.
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Alhazred
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PostSubject: Re: X-men: Dealing With by artery_break   Wed Feb 09, 2011 3:34 am

Quote :
Logan growls softly and parts his lips to let Remy in. Remy tastes of spice and cigarettes and sweetness. Remy moans and runs his fingers up and down Logan's spine.

and then remy grabbed logans crotch and then logan said "yes please more bub" and then remy kissed him again and then his mutant power charged logan with energy and then loghain exploded but his healing factors put him back together so remy decided to make him explode as he reached his peak while they had sex and then cyclops came in and said
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The Unoriginal
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PostSubject: Re: X-men: Dealing With by artery_break   Wed Feb 09, 2011 4:36 pm

Alhazred wrote:
Quote :
Logan growls softly and parts his lips to let Remy in. Remy tastes of spice and cigarettes and sweetness. Remy moans and runs his fingers up and down Logan's spine.

and then remy grabbed logans crotch and then logan said "yes please more bub" and then remy kissed him again and then his mutant power charged logan with energy and then loghain exploded but his healing factors put him back together so remy decided to make him explode as he reached his peak while they had sex and then cyclops came in and said

..."TSHUUH"

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Dr. Quinzel
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PostSubject: Re: X-men: Dealing With by artery_break   Wed Feb 09, 2011 9:07 pm

Quote :
(PICTURE OF AWESOME)

Juggernaut's head in the corner is what made me completely lose it. I LOVE IT.
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Alhazred
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PostSubject: Re: X-men: Dealing With by artery_break   Wed Feb 09, 2011 10:27 pm

It was Logan's hair and sideburns that did it for me.
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The Unoriginal
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PostSubject: Re: X-men: Dealing With by artery_break   Thu Feb 10, 2011 10:07 am

Dr. Quinzel wrote:
Quote :
(PICTURE OF AWESOME)

Juggernaut's head in the corner is what made me completely lose it. I LOVE IT.

That's some signature of sort I reckon. Too bad there are just a few of them, they're hilarious.

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...that anatomy and this grammar just go hand in hand.
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