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 Heir of Elessar

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EricD
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PostSubject: Heir of Elessar   Wed Jan 19, 2011 3:19 pm

I came across a fanfiction really, in the Crossover section of Fanfiction.net. A fanfiction which had the potential to be interesting, but squandered things so much: Something called Heir of Elessar. A Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings fanfiction where Middle-Earth isn't an alternate dimension, but the distant past of our own Earth, just like Professor Tolkien had meant it to be in his original stories. This is a concept that, while not overly original, has some potential.

Unfortunately, it sucks.

Not because of bad spelling (though there are a few mistakes), or bad ideas (though some are), or any of the usual fanfiction foils, but because of one simple thing: It's boring!

Dear Lord is it boring!

The prose is written like a news report! And not intentionally, this isn't a framing device or anything like that, it is just written matter-of-fact, almost all telling, no showing, and it is so dull!

Here's a few quotes:

Quote :
Dark and frightening were good words to describe those woods deep in Eastern Europe.

Really? Good to know, how about you show us how dark and frightening they are?

Quote :
But of course, how could any of the locals understand the truth of the forbidden zone? They were mere muggles after all; even among wizards, only the wisest and the most learned had an inkling of an idea of what truly lay in the forbidden zone.

Picture a wizard going on a journey beyond sight and sound, he's left Britain, he's entered... the Forbidden Zone.

Quote :
On a black and gold, cobra head shaped throne at the very top floor of Barad-dur, Voldemort-Sauron was seated, starring pensively at the shadows of the chamber around him.

Voldemort-Sauron? Really? That's your name for the being formed from the merging of two of fantasy's great villains? Just Voldemort-Sauron? That's silly.

Quote :
"Well I had absolutely no idea what the heck all that was about!" exclaimed Harry, on the verge of hyperventilating. "Elf Stone? Empires and Kingdoms? Sword reforged? HAVE I LOST ALL SENSE OF REASON HERE?" Snapping back to reality, Hermione started soothing Harry by rubbing his back. Harry quickly calmed down.

Oh come on man, this is Harry Potter, he is 16 years old, you can't just soothe him like a baby by rubbing his back. What's next? Will Hermione help him burp by patting him on the back?

Quote :
In the distance built into a mountain was a city: a white city. It was a huge fortress of white marble, built in seven levels all going higher up the mountain. At the top level was a white tower the shone brightly like the sun. In all his life, Harry had never seen anything so incredible in his life.

Yawn. What a boring description for what should be an awe inspiring moment.

Quote :
"Breakfast," said Rauthoron. He spread his wings and took flight. Not knowing else to do, Ron huddled with Luna and closed her eyes. Of course, the sounds of a tremendous struggle and several unearthly screams made him wonder what the heck was going on. Finally, he heard a tremendous thud and Rauthoron's voice saying, "OK, you can open them now."

Oh yeah, author! Because NOBODY wants to see the epic struggle between a griffon and a basilisk! That'd be DULL.

Quote :
'No don't go! Please continue to dance!' he thought. He took off after the maiden but he didn't appear to have much strength in his legs as he couldn't keep up with her. 'She's slipping away!' he thought. Desperate to hang onto the dream for a little longer he cried out the first words that filtered into his mind:

"Tinuviel! Tinuviel!"

Harry. Is. Not. Beren. Hermione. Is. Not. Luthien. Show some originality.

Quote :
Some of the Orcs were trying a different tactic: create makeshift rafts to ferry them across the lake into the castle. However, the lake was defended by none other than the Giant Squid who sunk many of the rafts and pulled the Orcs to their deaths in the deep. The Merpeople too sprung submerged attacks from the water, sinking the rafts and engaging the Orcs in combat. Unfortunately, the lake was so vast that many rafts made it to the castle with the Squid and Merpeople being unable to intervene.

So although the numbers were few compared to the army of Orcs outside the shield, a few hundred Orcs made it to Hogwarts Castle. The Castle however was a self defending magical fortress. Everywhere the Orcs managed to get into the Magical Halls of learning walls would shut closed crushing Orcs in between them. Or on other occasions, the suits of armor on decoration would come to life themselves and commence in fighting the Orcs. The stairways would move rapidly, leading the Orcs straight into pit-holes that suddenly appeared in the floor. Swords and spears on display would suddenly fly through the air and start hacking and slashing at the Orcs. Tapestries would jump and start strangling wayward Orcs

This all sounds very interesting, would you mind SHOWING it to us?

Quote :
A mere few hours later the Battle-field was already being cleared up. The bodies of the creatures of darkness were being destroyed whether by fire or magic or any other means available. The bodies of the warriors of the light side were being collected and identified, and prepared for burial.

You finished the battle offscreen!? You pulled a Twilight!? Oh you BITCH.

Anyways, there is much more, much much more. If you can stay awake through it, here's a link:

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]


Last edited by EricD on Wed Jan 19, 2011 5:11 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Heir of Elessar   Wed Jan 19, 2011 4:30 pm

Well that is mind-bogglingly dull. Dry Liked your comments though!
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PostSubject: Re: Heir of Elessar   Wed Jan 19, 2011 8:34 pm

EricD wrote:
Oh come on man, this is Harry Potter, he is 16 years old, you can't just soothe him like a baby by rubbing his back. What's next? Will Hermione help him burp by patting him on the back?
Kay, this? I almost choked on my biscuit and VERY nearly avoided slopping my tea all over my keyboard because of THE LULZ.
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PostSubject: Re: Heir of Elessar   Wed Jan 19, 2011 9:11 pm

EricD wrote:
Picture a wizard going on a journey beyond sight and sound, he's left Britain, he's entered... the Forbidden Zone.

Well played.



...I really want to see a picture of the proposed "Voldemort-Sauron". >.>;
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EricD
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PostSubject: Re: Heir of Elessar   Wed Jan 19, 2011 9:17 pm

Here's the description:

Quote :
The Eye appeared to consider for a moment before it answered, "The pact is sealed." Unexpectedly, it dove down toward the Dark Wizard and engulfed him in an inferno of flames, much to the Death Eaters' horror. Voldemort however was laughing as his body started levitating into the air. As he hovered above the magma, black metal began to spring forth from Voldemort's skin, completely encasing him in black armor. Voldemort's cloak now draped behind his back like a cape and a horned helmet completely encased his head, leaving only his scarlet eyes visible. He also appeared to have grown a full foot taller as he was lowered back onto the half bridge, the flames absorbing into his body. Finally, like a grand finale, a single gold ring with writing on it formed around his right middle finger.

So, basically: Just like normal Sauron from the Lord of the Rings films, but with glowing red eyes. How original!
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PostSubject: Re: Heir of Elessar   Wed Jan 19, 2011 9:39 pm

EricD wrote:
Here's the description:

Quote :
The Eye appeared to consider for a moment before it answered, "The pact is sealed." Unexpectedly, it dove down toward the Dark Wizard and engulfed him in an inferno of flames, much to the Death Eaters' horror. Voldemort however was laughing as his body started levitating into the air. As he hovered above the magma, black metal began to spring forth from Voldemort's skin, completely encasing him in black armor. Voldemort's cloak now draped behind his back like a cape and a horned helmet completely encased his head, leaving only his scarlet eyes visible. He also appeared to have grown a full foot taller as he was lowered back onto the half bridge, the flames absorbing into his body. Finally, like a grand finale, a single gold ring with writing on it formed around his right middle finger.

So, basically: Just like normal Sauron from the Lord of the Rings films, but with glowing red eyes. How original!

OMG HE SEEMS SO MUCH MORE EVIL NOW WHAT WILL WE DO :<

I totally was picturing the Eye of Sauron before I read that. XD So I was like "It's a person...but with...a giant all-seeing eye? And the Voldemort-body has to stand on a tower all the time?"
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PostSubject: Re: Heir of Elessar   Wed Jan 19, 2011 9:45 pm

And the retarded thing is, every single time that this new being is referred to, it is as "Voldemort-Sauron". At the climax of the story, Harry yells a challenge to this guy and he actually yells "VOLDEMORT-SAURON!" like an idiot!
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PostSubject: Re: Heir of Elessar   Wed Jan 19, 2011 9:47 pm

EricD wrote:
And the retarded thing is, every single time that this new being is referred to, it is as "Voldemort-Sauron". At the climax of the story, Harry yells a challenge to this guy and he actually yells "VOLDEMORT-SAURON!" like an idiot!

Oh my god I must draw this. Brb. :D
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PostSubject: Re: Heir of Elessar   Thu Jan 20, 2011 1:26 am

Alright, time for a report on the Elvish. This person is trying to explain how they did the translations. Pity they didn't do any research into the languages.

Quote :
A/N OK, this title is a little forced since I formulated myself. "Echil en" is Sindarin for "Heir of", "echil" being a reading of "heir". And of course, "Elessar" is Quenya for "Elf Stone". So basically, this chapter is "Heir of the Elf Stone", or more accurately, "Heir of Elessar". Basically, it shares the title with the story itself.
"Human of the Elessar". We're off to a good start.

Quote :
1. A/N Once again the titles are decently simple. The entire title is written in Sindarin. "Naruparv" is "Red Book". "Dundaur" is simply a literal translation of the name "Westmarch". So, the title of the chapter is "The Red Book of Westmarch".
Wrong again. You translated "Of the redbook[the words put together incorrectly] of the westforest".

Quote :
A/N A bit of a tough one actually but this title is Sindarin for "darkness shudders". The idea is that something is happening among those of dark nature and the times are being set in motion. Well that's the idea anyway. Don't know if it'll be any good.

Chapter 7: Doldas Girith
Trust me, it's not. "Doldas of Shuddering"

Quote :
A/N Title explanation. This title is a bit of a stretch really since I couldn't find the right words. "Torogwain" is "troll-like" or essentially "foolish". "Firion" is the common Sindarin for mortal "Man" (as opposed to "Adan" which refers to the Edain). So the title is supposed to be "Of Foolish Men". Hope that's what it came out as.

Chapter 9: En Torogwain Firionin
"Of the newtroll male human-the"

Quote :
A/N This title "Olor" is strictly Elvish. In other words, it's the exact same word used in both Sindarin and Quenya meaning "dream". How I wish all of my titles were this easy.
Nope. "Olor" is Quenya; "ôl" is Sindarin.

Quote :
A/N I had a very tough time figuring out the title for this chapter. Its "Disturbing news": "prestol" is Sindarin for "disturbing" and "siniath" is Sindarin for "news".

Chapter 11: Prestol Siniath
Presta- means "to disturb" as in "to change slightly." So, someone was indecisive about the tidings?

Quote :
A/N OK, easy enough title, thank God. It's in Sindarin: "Dagor" is "battle", "min" is "in", "Haered" is "remote" or "distant", and "dor" is "land". So the title is "Battle in a distant land".

Chapter 12: Dagormin e Haered-dor
"Battleinthe E distance of land."

Quote :
A/N The title of this chapter is a little bit forced I admit. Its in Sindarin: 'athrado' means 'traverse' while 'ithil' is of course 'moon'. Putting those two together it literally comes out as 'traverse the moon'. However, the correct title of this chapter is 'Loony Adventure'.
"Traverse the Moon!" That's pretty loony alright, until the 60's.

Quote :
A/N This chapter title is a combination of Black Speech and Sindarin. "Nazgul" everybody should know is Black Speech for "Ring Wraith". "Hul" is Sindarin for "War Cry". So the chapter of this title is "Ring Wraith War Cry". But I personally prefer "Cry of the Ring Wraiths".

Chapter 15: Nazgul Hul
Nazgul of a Battle Cry. Sounds like a line from the opening theme song to Samurai Champloo.

Quote :
A/N Anybody who's a 'Lord of the Rings' buff should know the meaning of this chapter title. It is Sindarin for "Gray Pilgrim".

Chapter 16: Mithradir
Mithrandir maybe, but who was Mithradir?

Quote :
A/N OK, Sindarin title. It just means "new news": as in new information revealed. Simple as that.

Chapter 17: Gwain Siniath
"News new" syntax error!

Quote :
A/N Sindarin title. 'Edraith' means escape. 'Gador' means prison. Hence, the title of this chapter is 'Escape from prison'. Kinda straight forward, isn't it?

Chapter 19: Edraith en Gador
"Saving of the Prison" This one is almost correct! Just a little Prestanneth problem.

Quote :
A/N Sindarin title. 'Dagor' is of course Sindarin for 'battle'. 'Cadhor' is 'castle'. The title of this chapter is 'Battle for the castle'.

Chapter 21: Dagor en Cadhor
"Battle of the Cadhor." Where the hell does "cadhor" come from? I looked everywhere and couldn't find it.

Quote :
A/N The Sindarin title of this chapter is absolutely straightforward. It's "The Elves return to Middle-Earth". Easy isn't it?

Chapter 22: Eldar Rinno na Edorath
"Eldar of Rinno to all of Edor" Apparently it wasn't easy.

Quote :
A/N Here we go: Sindarin title. It means "Thank you for coming". Guess I couldn't bother much with too complex titles.

Chapter 23: Le hannon a tholel
No way can this translator screw up this way. Looks like they stole it from a crappy phrasebook. It was 2004... I'd only been studying for a year... might have been mine.

Quote :
A/N Spectacular. The title of this chapter is in Quenya. 'Metima' is Quenya for 'ultimate'. 'Loche' is Quenya for 'dragon'. So the title of this chapter comes out to be 'Ultimate Dragon'. Hmm, I think I spoiled my readers a bit too much there.

Chapter 24: Metimaloche
"Last Loche". Someone misunderstood an entry in a dictionary then misspelled another.

Quote :
A/N OK, final filler chapter. And since it is the last one, I gave it the Sindarin title 'final rest'. After this one, it's the chapters you've all been waiting for: the climax!

Chapter 25: Medui idh
Repose Last. How eloquent.

Quote :
A/N This is a Sindarin title. It translates closely to "fall of the Witch-King". At least, that's what I'm hoping it's close to. Actually it's more like "wraith-king" but same idea.

Chapter 26: Danto en Taurgul
"Danto of the king-magic" Getting closer to the proper meaning of "en".

Quote :
A/N I just came up with this title on the spot really. No real research. Its Sindarin and it pretty much means "Dark King" or "Dark Lord", the latter being my intended title. Sorry but it can be a tad frustrating coming up with all these Elvish titles.

Chapter 27: Barad-Taur
Tower of a King. I don't think that word means what you think it means.

Quote :
A/N For this final chapter, I chose a Sindarin title. The title of the last chapter of this fic translates as follows: I love to see your eyes shine when you laugh. I personally thought it was somehow fitting to the conclusion of this fic.

Chapter 30: Melin ceni hin lîn síla i 'eladhach
Wait, I think I've seen this before... Yup. This is [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]. My 16-year-old self is off the hook!
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PostSubject: Re: Heir of Elessar   Mon Jan 24, 2011 11:45 pm

I_Lam_Edhellen wrote:
Quote :
A/N I just came up with this title on the spot really. No real research. Its Sindarin and it pretty much means "Dark King" or "Dark Lord", the latter being my intended title. Sorry but it can be a tad frustrating coming up with all these Elvish titles.

Chapter 27: Barad-Taur
Tower of a King. I don't think that word means what you think it means.
This one made me smile. I can see her trying to parse the words that make up "Barad-dûr" and narrowly missing the mark.
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