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 "Rain" by Ami Blackwelder

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Maximilia
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PostSubject: Re: "Rain" by Ami Blackwelder   Wed Jan 26, 2011 11:20 pm

Rabid Badger wrote:
Maximilia wrote:

I also can't help but to think that having badfic signed and dedicated by the author is some sort of GAFF holy grail. Also, if I participate in the Secret Santa next year, people better watch out!

Oooh, I think Nihlist should give you some sort of special citation to go with your avatar for dedication to GAFF above and beyond the call of snarking. I don't know of anyone here who's actually 'bought' bad self-published fiction and snarked it before.

And if we do have Secret Santa, I so hope you get my name! Then I will commission Ink Weaver to make me an 8x10 picture of THUMP and set up a shrine in my bedroom.

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PostSubject: Re: "Rain" by Ami Blackwelder   Thu Jan 27, 2011 5:20 am

I don't think Wuhgiwuh has given out an award since the "Tuxedo Mark" certificate.

THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE NAO! Max deserves something!
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PostSubject: Re: "Rain" by Ami Blackwelder   Thu Jul 21, 2011 4:56 am

Max needed to get off her duff and DO stuff. Like snarking this book. SO CLOSE TO THE END... and I petered out. However, I am going to start again. There's only two chapters left, and I've the picture for the next one done.

I still need to get pictures or a video of the actual book-book too. I have it. I have a digital camera. I just need to put the two together.

So, in the words of the immortal Statesman (rae will get this if no one else), "SOON."
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PostSubject: Re: "Rain" by Ami Blackwelder   Thu Jul 21, 2011 8:33 am

Haha, I saw this bumped and got all excited.

I am really looking forward to the end, Maxi!
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PostSubject: Re: "Rain" by Ami Blackwelder   Fri Sep 02, 2011 6:14 am

Alright! Where were we, my fine readers? Chapter six, oh yes. "Razor's Fine Edge"... OF DOOM! Or at least that's how it should read. Instead, we have Rain singing or serenading a handicapable giant.

Spoiler:
 

*sigh*

Quote :
His robotic motions accelerate at more than human speeds and each movement reminds his soldiers that he is nothing human. He stands over her glowing body, her delicate and fragile figure, resting in a curled ball in a cocoon of purple and yellow silk. She grows under his watchful eyes, waiting for her metamorphosis, waiting for her to arise anew. Every day draws closer to the day when he and she will walk as one: one goal, one mission - to destroy.

Clive? Is that you Clive? Ah, no, we suddenly jump to another character, which I assume is "DA R4Z0R!" shown in the picture. He seems to be standing over something, the Project Butterfly mentioned earlier, like some sort of creepy pedophile waiting for his groomed child to be ready.

Our authoress then tries to pain a gloomy picture of the Ebil Gubmint in Singapore, which is just another bland flavor of bland in our bland world of blandness. Don't worry. She only attempts to paint the scene for like three sentences, then she's off again to the muhahahahaha EVAL of "DA R4Z0R!"

Quote :
A machine they call a man was not designed to care for anything. It only knows its mission. Twenty years of living under the hands of the American Guard has taken away any of its humanness it once had, and has left in its place only hard metal. Any memories for a life beyond these walls vanished long ago. There is no longer a boy who was ten. It knows no family. It knows no dreams. It knows no love. It only knows destruction and it will ensure its mission is achieved.

Why is the machine wearing mittens then?

Also, wait, wait, WAIT. A machine? Like, a cyborg? What about being a genetically engineered biological weapon? Isn't he from the same program? So, we're going to have a thrown down between Rain the GEW and DA R4Z0Rborg? Mutie versus robot. I vote robot.

DA R4Z0Rborg is standing guard over a 'delicate female' as she sleeps. This is not creepy at all, nor does it remind me of 'Of Mice and Men' coupled with that picture... except 'Of Mice and Men' was good. So, let's have a description of this female, shall we?

Quote :
Her dark skin under the neon light above her bed rests in a nest filled with gold glitter. Her lanky legs curl up against her chest and rest like blades of grass in a still and quiet day, never knowing a vicious storm is breaking and that the blades are about to be tossed about violently.

...

...

...

She sleeps in gold glitter. Sorry, over here laughing too hard.

*ahem*

SHE SLEEPS IN GOLD GLITTER! It's like a Mariah Carrey movie meeting Twilight! And a neon light? Black skin? Legs like blades of grass? Do... do I have to even snark this section? Just sit back, read it a couple times, and absorb it.

DA R4Z0Rborg paces back and forth around his pretty, pretty princess in the room... which takes up the entire fifth floor of this building. What's in the room, you ask? Nothing, except for this bed thing full of glitter. It's for security purposes. How having a big aboveground room which is empty except for a pacing cyborg is secure I have no idea. I guess it depends on how bad ass the cyborg is, but given he's in this book, my guess is not very.

Alrighty, now we switch to Rain and Clive.

Quote :
Clive and Rain pull their boat up to the port in Ukraine where a few of their comrades wait. They take them to the secured building hidden from the American and Chinese Guard. Anyone who resists the government dies or joins the resistance.

*sighs* I'm missing the gold glitter already. Of course anyone who resists the government's unwanted advances dies or joins the resistance... that's why they're resisting. And which government? The Chinese or American? Because there's two distinct governments she mentioned worthy of hiding from!

So, they hand over the super spheshul sunglasses which plug into Rain's bra for analysis of the data, which 'helps the resistance'. Evidently, the Chinese and American EBIL GUBMENTS have sooper sekrit bases everywhere. I wouldn't think they would be that soopah sekrit, but whatever. They organize an attack! Or something.

Quote :
The resistance groups head to Venice, Paris, Madrid, Hanoi, Shanghai. New information helps the resistance. Locations. Numbers of infantry. Vehicle types. Vulnerable points. Weaknesses. The resistance has one mission, to destroy the remnant traces of the Guard in Europe and China, whatever government they are under. This mission is unlike any other before, because they know they are going in with the possibility of survival.

Wow, that's ... a really crappy resistance if only now they have the chance of survival on a mission. What resistance fighter is going to go on missions with a 100% chance of death? What would the mission briefings be like?! And how are Clive and Rain resistance fighters with missions under their belt if it's a 100% mortality rate for missions? Bah! Bah, I say!

Also, it sounds like it's supposed to be soopah sekrit bases, fully outfitted, but then she turns around and says they're wiping out traces of the National Guard in Europe and China. Which... if the ebil gubmints have such a stranglehold on the world, why are there only remnants left? Oh... never mind. Logic is Amy's bitch.

Quote :
Rain walks into her room that she has grown to know over the past year while living with the resistance since the death of her friend Hani. She sits on the bed pulled out from inside the wall. Clive ambles into her room in his black tee shirt and camouflage pants and his eyes catch her gaze. Rain stands and he moves toward her. Retreating, she hits the wall behind her. He puts his arms up on either side of her, moves his lips to hers, and they almost touch.

Is he taking his lips off? Do they move of his own accord? And who else here is getting a stalkery vibe from the whole exchange so far?

Quote :
'How can you stand being so close to so much cold metal?' Rain shoots her wrist blades out from under her elastic like skin and stands.

Wow, that paints a secksy image: sharp metal covered by rubber. Also, didn't she already stand?

Quote :
'Because it runs so closely tied to the warm blood inside of you. It is who you are and I love you. How come you can't see that?' Clive moves his lips over hers and Rain lets him. Her blades retract inside of her and Clive wraps his solid arms around her trembling body.

Oh... looks like Rain's not excited anymore. Poor Clive. In the next sentence, she 'returns her hands to him to kiss' which makes it sound like she stole her hands from him, like she was holding them hostage or something. After that very odd image, they make out in earnest for exactly one sentence.

Quote :
Their bodies wrap intertwined the way flowers become in heavy winds. But like the wind, the moment is interrupted with another wild motion and Rain yanks backward. Clive withdraws away slowly, allowing an exit for her to walk around him. He knows she never gets close.

Yeah... *rubs the back of her neck* Hey... listen, author. I think like some fanbrats we know, and CWC, you might need some anatomy and sex ed. classes. Bodies can't intertwine like that. I get the image and what you're trying to go for? But honestly? A guy wrapping his legs around me like a ... wait. I totally misread. I thought she said flowering vines. Wait... how do flowers wrap around each other? I suppose the stems, but... but...

Oh, I give up. Ami's treating us to a lazy love affair like she treated us to a lazy fight scene earlier.

Hm. After this is some boring conversation where Rain says they have to look at the information... which they already looked at and handed out assignments based on said inf... does Ami not read her own book? Is she not paying attention? I mean, come on! At least try to keep events in order and remember if people are standing or not!

Here's a great example. Clive pressed Rain up against the wall, then backed off. A few paragraphs later, he 'moves forward like a soldier on a mission', the author forgetting that he IS a soldier on a mission... but he does so without turning at all. Does he just walk through the wall and Rain then? Does she get out of his way? Is he like a robot in some old sci-fi movie, or the Kool-Aid man, just busting through the base's walls and saying "OOOOOHHHHH YEEEEAAAAHHH!!"?

Ok, so after the stunted conversation and Clive magically walking through walls, he and Rain and four other soldiers get on a helicopter to presumably go do some special mission, which we're never really told about.

Quote :
The four soldiers get into the copter with Clive and Rain. Clive pilots it. The copter propellers sound swish-swish, swish-swish.

Hee. I'm probably the only one imagining a helicopter with a pair of legs sashaying down a runway like a model, swishing its bulk back and forth. Well, now you are too!

The 'copter' lands 'steadily' behind some trees near the Singapore Security Scanning Building. So, like, no radar? No air traffic controllers asking them for their identification? No soldiers seeing them and raising the alarm? Nope, they just fly there and magically hide behind some convienent trees. The teams split up, and "each" has a goal, which means just Clive and Rain have a goal. The other soliders, who are given names but no descriptions, are merely cannon fodder for our Sue. Clive enters the security code to the back door of this presumably high security building which was gotten from "the information" they got. And then... the unthinkable happens!

Quote :
Clive follows the blueprints in his hands. The blue ink rubs off in his hands as he caresses its folds, determining the best route to take.

Oh no he didn't!

Oh yes he did!

He's totally cheating on Rain with some paper! I am shocked! He caresses the folds of the map, determing the best route to take to get to... to... the mythical male orgasm? Wait, those aren't mythical. The mythical way out of this fic? Ahhh... ah. Hm. Well played, Clive. Well played, indeed. However, you're stuck here with the rest of us. No escape for you!

Quote :
Rain crawls and keeps against the wall.

"I can't take this fic anymore! Please! Someone help me!"

Quote :
Knowing she is a biological weapon, two soldiers mimic her movements.

"You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, you put your left foot in, and you shake it all about..." It's such a good thing that I'm not a GEW who has followers. I would totally make them do the hokey-pokey all day long! Perhaps occasionally interrupted by the chicken dance.

Quote :
Clive scans the first floor. Hard tiled floor. Cold. Solid walls on both the west and east side. Small doorway in front leading out of the back room. Machines sit against both walls. The noise is quiet, but clamorous all the same. Clink, clink. Koosh, koosh.

Cootch, cootch? Oooh.. koosh koosh. There's a koosh ball in there? Well, no, those aren't very loud at all! More random sound effects which sound nothing like the actual sound it's supposed to be conveying. I have no idea what in the hell Ami is trying to tell us here, but whatever it is, it's supposed to be dire because it's a room full of Machinery (tm) and that is Bad (tm).

Anyway, Clive says that taking out this room will take out the building (awesome design there, architects!), and Rain is all pacey saying enigmatically 'He's here'. The named (but still red shirt) soldiers ask who, and she's all 'THE WEAPON' and they're like 'Oh' and she's like 'Well, actually there's two weapons including Butterfly'. I gotta say, if I'm going to make a GEW to terrify my enemies, I am totally going to give it a more bad ass name than Rain or Butterfly. I'm thinking Sunshine Unicorn Ladybug Starlight... OF DOOM. You gotta add the OF DOOM in there, otherwise people just won't take you seriously.

We close the chapter with this:

Quote :
‘Two more. Don’t forget Butterfly is here, too,’ Rain responds.

‘But she isn’t born yet. We will get to her before…before it’s too late,’ Victoria says.

‘I hope so. I hope so,’ Rain says and she slides up the stairwell at the end of the hallway with Jonathan and Victoria close behind. Victoria cocks her rifle and Jonathan prepares his grenades.


*snerk*

"Hm, ok, we're getting ready to fight a GEW who's going to kick all of our asses with one mean look. I better prepare my grenades for throwing! Let me just pull all the pins here..." Seriously, author, WTF? How do you prepare grenades?! They're pretty, you know, pre-prepared.

And so ends the sixth chapter of Rain. I hope you enjoyed my agony. I had to take months off to prepare myself to tackle this thing again.
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PostSubject: Re: "Rain" by Ami Blackwelder   Fri Sep 02, 2011 7:37 am

I am so happy this is back!!


Quote :
She sleeps in gold glitter. Sorry, over here laughing too hard.

Wanna make this creepy? Coz from what I see it's only her skin there resting in gold glitter...

Quote :

Quote :
Her dark skin under the neon light above her bed rests in a nest filled with gold glitter.

She doesn't mention where the rest of her is, only that wherever it is she's curled up and oblivious...


I like the 'Of Mice and Men' reference... Personally, I went here:

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Regardless, Both far more awesome than DA R4Z0Rborg and skinless sparklepire Maria Cary.

Quote :
The copter propellers sound swish-swish, swish-swish.

The wheels on the bus go round and round...



ILU Maxi! Stay strong!
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PostSubject: Re: "Rain" by Ami Blackwelder   Fri Sep 02, 2011 8:22 pm

DERP NOT DOUBLE POSTING. Insert the Darth Vaderesque NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO here.

In search for some lulz, I went to find Ami's websites, which had been taken down. She's got a new one though! [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

On the front page is this:

Quote :
The Shifters of 2040 screenplay is currently for consideration at the Cannes Film Festival to be funded into a film.

The Shifters of 2040 script is being circulated in Hollwood by a screenwriter of Black Swan.

The Shifters of 2040 script is being read by a 2 Tampa Bay film producers.

"I'm extremely impressed with the quality of your writing and the range of your storytelling. Feel free to send script when you're done.”-John McLaughlin (One of the screen writers for Black Swan, and Great Gasby)

The Gate of Lake Forest -"I must say I could not put them down. I read the first book in one night; I know my students would love to hear more about your books.”-Charla VandeBerg (Raymond B. Stewart Middle School in Zephyrhills)

Shifter Evolutions -"This is a fast-moving story, never a dull moment. I thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it.” -Imogen Rose (Author of Portal Chronicles)

WTF MATE?!
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PostSubject: Re: "Rain" by Ami Blackwelder   Fri Sep 02, 2011 8:36 pm

^Someone should contact those people and give them a head's up that someone is putting up fake quotes attributed to them.
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PostSubject: Re: "Rain" by Ami Blackwelder   Fri Sep 02, 2011 9:20 pm

[quote="Maximilia"]
Quote :
The Shifters of 2040 screenplay is currently for consideration at the Cannes Film Festival to be funded into a film.

HAHAHA no.

Quote :
The Shifters of 2040 script is being circulated in Hollwood by a screenwriter of Black Swan.

Mark Heyman, Andres Heinz and John McLaughlin have a few hours to kill, a bottle of booze and a need for a good laugh.

Quote :
The Shifters of 2040 script is being read by a 2 Tampa Bay film producers.

It will them be thrown away...

Quote :
"I'm extremely impressed with the quality of your writing and the range of your storytelling. Feel free to send script when you're done.”-John McLaughlin (One of the screen writers for Black Swan, and Great Gasby)

This sounds like a canned e-mail response... In fact... Googling this quote and McLaughlin's name brought up a few notices that McLaughlin was speaking at a Tampa Uni a while back... And Ami is based in Tampa... It's quite possiable that this quote is genuine, if only in a kind of 'humour the persistent nutter' kind of way.

Quote :
The Gate of Lake Forest -"I must say I could not put them down. I read the first book in one night; I know my students would love to hear more about your books.”-Charla VandeBerg (Raymond B. Stewart Middle School in Zephyrhills)

One of Ami's blog posts raves about how it's 'easy' to get your books stocked in school libraries... So long as you offer to donate them. Zephyrhills is a suburb of Tampa.

Quote :
Shifter Evolutions -"This is a fast-moving story, never a dull moment. I thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it.” -Imogen Rose (Author of Portal Chronicles)

This quote I can actually verify... kind of... Here

Imogen Rose is another self-publishing e-book author.
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PostSubject: Re: "Rain" by Ami Blackwelder   Fri Sep 09, 2011 10:43 pm

Maximilia wrote:
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She's counting down until the Breaking Dawn movie comes out. Your Twilight references weren't off at all, not that it's terribly surprising she's into that stuff. Just holy crap, what a trainwreck of a blog.
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PostSubject: Re: "Rain" by Ami Blackwelder   Fri Mar 16, 2012 12:23 am

Oh my dear God.. there's evidently a sequel to Rain! I will have to try and finish this snark in the next couple of days so I can find the sequel and rip that to shreds too. The sequel is called "Butterfly"...I have to find this.
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PostSubject: Re: "Rain" by Ami Blackwelder   Fri Mar 16, 2012 3:15 am

Alright, Why God Whyers, finally! The suspense is OVER! This is the last chapter of Rain!

Yes, insert fanfare here. I think my brain has recovered enough to go over the very last of the book. We're on page 83 of 100, woooooo! We will start, as always, with the chapter picture:

Spoiler:
 

Yes. Yes, "Butterfly" the "innocent" is fucking a helicopter blade in that. Or, as a friend of mine said, "Wait... are we sure that is a cape, and not some pool of psychedlic colored blood and entrails splilling out after she has been cleft in twain while trying to get it on with a helicopter?" I think... I think... I'm very glad this is the last chapter of the book. With an image like that right away, one can't help but to think of the torture contained therein. Let's go and check it out!

Quote :
Clive methodically arranges the bombs onto the machines with Michael, while Sam watches the door.

The very first sentence, and my mind is already in the gutter. "Bombs". Yes, arrange those "bombs". It's all because of the ginormous Butterfly getting it on with a helicopter. I'm not going to be able to look at this without a pervy thought. Damn you, Ami Blackwelder, damn you!

Quote :
Small glass windows sit on each door in the building, making detection easier. They stay low to the ground as they move around the room.

Window: *waves* Hey guys! Don't mind us here! We'll help you detect the enemies and keep an eye out!

Going all the way back to chapter one, why are all of her objects in this book anthromorphic? They aren't inanimate, they are all written as being alive! This must be one helluva creepy world. Like Beauty and the Beast... except dumb. It's nice of them to stay out of eye level though. If they walked around where we could see them, it would be terribly distracting.

The windows aren't the only ones getting some action here.

Quote :
Rain's feet click against the steel stairwell as it wraps around each floor.

"Quit walking on me! I'm doing a job here! G'wan! Get outta here!"

Quote :
The sounds of Razor's boots hit the floor...

Jeez, even sound is becoming animate in this book!

Quote :
...and reverberate in Rain's ears.

Bow chicka bow bow.

Quote :
She follows the sounds like a predator intent on killing its prey.

And was surprised to find Chris Hanson at the top of the stairs. "Rain? Would you have a seat here, please...."

Seriously, what else do predators do with their prey if they are following it? Play nicely with them? Sing them songs?

So, Rain reaches the fifth floor of the place where DA R4Z0RB0RG is waiting for her! GASP! So, instead of attacking right away, she turns to Victoria, who climbed up the stairs with her evidently, and says... ~~DRAMATIC DIALOGUE INCOMING~~

Quote :
'This is it,' she says.

'Yes.'

'This is what we came for.'

"Bitch, I already said YES."

They step into the room, which if we remember from the previous chapter has no individual rooms, just the one large one on the top fifth floor. The stairs end at the fifth... so how can they see DA R4Z0RB0RG and he not see them? Who knows! I certainly don't.

Quote :
Rain moves up the steps and into the room where her first step is detected by Razor. His head turns violently.

And snaps his own neck, thus putting him out of his, and our, misery.

Quote :
His dark black eyes peer into hers like she is a ragdoll.

I... what? Isn't black already, you know, a dark color? And does he have a seething hatred for dolls? Not that I can blame him. They are creepy.

Quote :
He lifts his gun and begins to fire.

...

WHY DOES A GEW HAVE A WEAPON?! Isn't he a "genetically engineered biological weapon" too? Where are his shin broadswords??

Quote :
Rain's hidden weapons rip out of her arms and legs before she even will its. Each bullet is blocked with her blades, clink clink clink. The bullets fall to the ground.

So, Rain's blades prematurely ejaculate out of her arms and legs, and don't just deflect the bullets, no no no. They stop all of the bullet's momentum. Newton would be spinning in his grave in an equal and opposite reaction to this stupidity.

Quote :
Like any good machine, Razor adapts. He rests his gun back in its holster and his feet pound as he strides across the room.

"Aw, poor bangy. You sleepzors now. DA R4Z0RB0RG will sing you a song now..."

Quote :
Razor propels himself like a bullet and is hit by one of her blades as he leaps into her, knocking them both over onto the tiled floor.

Yeah, didn't work for your bullets, Raz-man, probably wasn't going to work for you either being a bit, you know, larger.

Quote :
Razor's left arm bleeds, but this machine, this monster, doesn't flinch nor wince. There is no pain for a machine to feel. Razor grabs Rain by the legs with his sturdy arms and drags her toward him. Both of their bodies lie on the floor and Rain grapples forward with her hands, clawing at the tile to pull herself away from Razor.

Tremble in awe, mere mortals, as Ami describes this HORRIFIC fight scene to us!!! I think I've read accounts of pruning vegetables that were more exciting than this.

The couple of schumucks with Rain, Johnathan and Victoria, sort of just wait by the stairs, hoping to help Rain but not seeing an opportunity to. And she told them to STICK TO DA PLAN! Which, the plan must be watching Rain get her ass kicked. Check. Razor finally gets his arms around Rain, and... oh, let me quote...

Quote :
He wraps his arms around her, but instead of the warmth she feels from Clive, it is a stronghold, an attempt to strangle her.

It's a castle? Holy damn! DA R4Z0RB0RG is huge!

Quote :
His arms hold tight around her waist and then make their way up to her chest and over her neck. Both their bodies flap around on the floor. Rain for life. Razor for death.

I have this image of them flopping around like fish out of water and people taking bets on which one dies first. Not funny, but that's just what this writing evokes in me, the images... just sheer weirdness.

So, finally, as 'the air in Rain's lungs vanishes', Johnathan decides 'That's the signal!' and throws a grenade at a wall. A far wall. In a room which is as big as the building... no interior rooms. Yeeeah. Maybe he had a grenade launcher. Anyway, Razor LEAPS UP and lets go of Rain (so she doesn't die, dammit!) and scans the room with his 'robotic eyes'. It takes him a while to find the stairwell, obvious, which is the only entrance or exit in this large room. Something tells me Ami was just pulling shit out of her ass when she wrote this. I don't know how I got that feeling though....

Quote :
Clunk clunk, his boots hit the floor as he moves toward Johnathan. Rain breathes heavily and then springs to her feet. Her grey purple hair twists behind her as she leaps forward onto Razor.

"YEE HAW!!! Giddyup!"

Quote :
Pushing her wrist blades into his back, Razor plummets to the ground face first.

Did DA R4Z0RB0RG just have a surprise gender change operation in there somewhere?

Quote :
Rain digs her blades into his spine. The sound of wires and electric boards short circuting tell Rain she has hit a major organ.



Ok, so after short circuiting DA R4Z0RB0RG, "da plan" gets implemented. What is the big plan? It's Victoria running across the room and picking up Butterfly. That's it. Then, they leave. I'm astounded by their planning and ahead-looking-power! DA R4Z0RB0RG doesn't like that.

Quote :
He moves toward the stairwell, toward Butterfly. Rain reaches to his leg and grips it tightly. Her hold is as strong as the steel that binds the building.

The building is into a little rope-play, huh? Bow chicka wow wow.

The two soldiers race (with Butterfly, I'm assuming?) down the stairs and towards the sound of gunfire. Brilliant plan!

Quote :
Jonathan takes the lead, protecting Butterfly and fires his rifle into the backs of a few of the guards. One, two, three, they fall dead.

One, two, three dead guards, mu-ha-ha-ha!

Quote :
But three more remain and turn to confront Johnathan. They retreat into another room to the left and seal the doo, knocking out the window for their guns.

Oooooh, scary guards! "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!" Not exactly "confronting" them, is it?

So, Clive and Michael come in, and join up with Johnathan and some other dude (wtf? Where'd he come from?) and they go to ambush the guards who barricaded themselves into the room. Why they didn't just leave with their objective, I don't know, but those guards must need to be killed something fierce!

Quote :
Like stealth trained soldiers...

Because they totally weren't.

Quote :
...they surround the room staying close to the floor.

Like snakes!

Quote :
Sam and Michael cross the door and head to the left side. Clive and Johnathan hold their position on the right side. Clive nods his head in silent conversation to Sam and micahel who have fought with him through years of battles.

Morse head-nodding. Check.

Quote :
Clive fires at the floor...

Buh?

Quote :
...and the guard responds with quick returning fire. The few seconds after the fire ends, Sam stands and shoots through the window.

And the point of firing at the floor initially was what again?

Quote :
His shot hits one of the guards and a shot fires from his weapon. The bullet penetrates Sam's shoulder blade and he falls to the ground. -Ugh.

It's written exactly like that in the book. Why the -Ugh? I don't know. I think if I got shot I'd be saying something more like, "HOLY FUCKING FUCK!" or screaming or something. Not just "Ugh". We don't even know if that was dialogue! It could have been the author looking at what she vomited up on page and mentally sighing at herself for how bad it is, and accidentally typed it out.

Quote :
Clive shouts and signals everyone to move backward. When the distance is safe, Jonathan rolls one of his grenades by the door and they wait.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! If they were right underneath the window, why didn't they pull the pin of a grenade and toss it inside the small window, where the guards couldn't see them?!

*Max resists the urge to throw her computer across the room.*

*But barely.*

Holy Christ, I still have twelve pages left?

Quote :
The explosion of the grenade...

Cause grenades do so many things other than explode. Had to clear that up for you, audience!

Quote :
...knocks the steel doo down over one of the guards. The remaining guard stands at the far wall with his hands over his head.

He didn't... he just gave up? Jeez, what wimpy guards. And where are the other guards?! If this is a high security building, don't you think the noise of the firefight would have brought others here by now? But no... that one solitary guard is captured, and Clive orders him to be taken to head quarters. Yeah... small strike team... taking prisoners... when they are fleeing a huge government and don't have a permanent base... oh, I give up trying to make sense of this.

At this point, Clive realizes, 'Hey, where's my honey-bunny?' So, he asks about her. Rain was left upstairs with DA R4Z0RB0RG, and so Clive goes racing up those five flights of stairs to find her.

Quote :
As he rushes into the room, he sees Rain against the wall, pinned by Razor's body. Her long silver blades protrude out of his back, an obvious thrust through his chest, but his body is motionless.

So, why can't she push him over? NEVER SAID. Nope. He's dead, but she's TRAPPEDZORED!!!

Clive all boo-hoos and is like "I can't leave you" and she's like "Dude, you have to" and he's like "Why?" and she's like "Because the author doesn't know how to create a dramatic situation if her life depended on it, so she's abandoning the main character to a stupid death in hopes of raising sympathy and leaving an emotional impression upon a person even though this death is completely redundant and avoidable. Sorry, honey-cakes." Well, actually, what she says is this:

Quote :
'You must. There is no freeing me and this machine has to be destroyed. There can be no trace of the biological weapon for others.

Hey, what about that other GEW they're loading down into the helicopter? You know, Butterfly? Shouldn't we get rid of her too?

Quote :
As Rain finishes her words, Clive tries to push with his feeble hands the weight of Razor off of Rain. But his strength is not enough against a machine, and each attempt only renders Clive more frustrated.

Yeah, ever heard of a crowbar? And god, you guys might shoot me for this, but I imagine a limp-wristed Clive slapping at DA R4Z0RB0RG's corpse in an effeminate manner, punctuated with cute little 'Unf!"s. I know, I know, that's terribly stereotypical, but... yeah. It, this book evokes a lot of bad and weird images in me.

So, Clive says he's not leaving her again, and she's all like, you have to.

Quote :
Save the girl. Save Butterfly. She is the next weapon to keep the new world safe.

Yeah! Save that EVIL BIOLOGICAL WEAPON I told you all to destroy. Oh, I'm sorry, because she's a beautiful delicate FLOWAH of a woman, she's good. DA R4Z0RB0RG was evil because he was a huge, hulking man. Yup. What about programming? What if, for instance, DA BUTT-ERFLY was a cyborg like DA R4Z0RB0RG and was programmed to kill all humans? Does that even occur to them? Nope.

They tearfully part ways.

Quote :
'I love you,' Clive says. His words sit on her mind like they never have before...

Farting all the while.

So, she says she loves him too, and they kiss, and she's all pushing him away. Hey, Clive? NO MEANS NO! Jeez. Who cares if she's dying, right? Going to get that last smoochies in, no matter what! And then he leaves. People ask about her, and ... well, read for yourself.

Quote :
'She won't be coming,' he says with a certain sadness.

'The female orgasm really is a myth.'

Quote :
'I'm sorry,' Michael says and places his hand over Clive's Shoulder.

"I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you!"

The helicopter takes off, and Clive muses on Rain wanting freedom and now she has it, blah blah blah, but then he looks at Butterfly!

Quote :
He glances at Butterfly and her eyes flitter open and shut and then she opens her golden irises and grins at the sight of Clive with a confused expression upon her face.

*Max's jaw drops.*

WOW. She saved perhaps the WORST line for last! I mean, damn, where are the commas?! And how do you open your irises? And golden? Really? And she's grinning at Clive but has a confused expression on her face?

*Max's head explodes*

Quote :
'Where am I?'

'Heading home, Butterfly, heading home.'

"I don't know you. I NEED AN ADULT! I NEED AN ADULT!"

Seriously, they completely kidnapped her, and the book, mercifully, ends. On a happy note. I think? I'm not sure. I will say I'm very happy the Nook reader I have for the PC is a bit warped when it comes to counting pages and stuff, putting more than one page on display at once, so when I thought I had twelve pages left, I had like... four. Hehe.

This is getting too long... there's the snark, I'll do a summation in the next couple of days.
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Reepicheep-chan
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PostSubject: Re: "Rain" by Ami Blackwelder   Fri Mar 16, 2012 10:34 am

Haha wow. That was so bad. I am without words.
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PostSubject: Re: "Rain" by Ami Blackwelder   Fri Mar 16, 2012 10:41 am

[sound of applause goes here]

I am frankly amazed you managed to get all the way through this thing. That last picture would have killed me and I'd have never finished.
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PostSubject: Re: "Rain" by Ami Blackwelder   Fri Mar 16, 2012 11:00 am

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]



KILL THE GEWS!







Yeah, it's weak, I know... I just wanted to say: Well done, Max!
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PostSubject: Re: "Rain" by Ami Blackwelder   Thu Jan 08, 2015 12:56 am

Alrighty, since I had taken down the site I was storing photos at to move them to google drive, I was going to update the photos here... but I can't. So, what I will do instead is post the images that go in this thread here, so they will still be preserved.

Inside Cover

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7
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PostSubject: Re: "Rain" by Ami Blackwelder   Thu Jan 08, 2015 1:22 am

Sorry for the double post, but it is a related thing! Evidently, Rain was re-released as "2120" with new illustrations by an actual artist!

Here is the Youtube link for it: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
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"Rain" by Ami Blackwelder
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