Okay, this is a bit of a cheat because the fic itself has been long taken down from the internet. I found the snark in an old file and decided to share it, however, as Tirion isn't a prominent character in WoW fanfic. This is probably due to the fact that even though he had a very prominent role in the events of Wrath of the Lich King, he is neither blood elf nor death knight.
Anyway, the fic had a bizarre enough twist to be given fifteen more minutes of life.
So let's start with a word from the author!
- Quote :
- im 14
D:
- Quote :
- and this is my first erotic writing thing
Why do the above facts make
me feel dirty?
I pondered if this was touching on the One Rule, as this was apparently a self insert fantasy (the author used a picture of a half-dragon girl as an avatar, to boot). However, nothing is said about our main lead's age, so we can probably assume that she isn't underage even if the author is fantazising about herself and Tirion.
Tirion, by the way, is at the least pushing fifty.
Anyway, let's get on with the story!
- Quote :
- Seniagosa stood next to her love, eying him slightly as she snaked her tail around his leg.
Yes people, this author is turning Tirion into a
furry scaly lover. Has the man not suffered enough? Granted she's only, eh, half-dragon-half-human but that doesn't make it that much better, now does it?
- Quote :
- “Senia, Right now isn’t the time.” He whispered to her softly. By this time our young dragon maiden was getting very annoyed at his ignoring her.
This is the end of our very first short paragraph. Man, she's impatient. And judging by what Tirion tells her, I sort of doubt that part about her being a maiden.
- Quote :
- “Tirion…please?” She moved to be in front of him, putting her hands on his shoulders, “It’s winter. It’s blue dragon mating season….”
Mating season used as an excuse for porn. Haven't ever seen that one before. Also that's a hilarious line if you know that blue dragons always inhabit cold, snowy parts of the world. Malygos is a pervy old dude, apparently.
- Quote :
- “Senia…” He said just before giving her a kiss, hopeful that she would stop bothering him for affection after that.
Who would ever expect that a kiss would make a horny dragon shut up and run along? Then again, I suppose that at the point where you're approached by a horny dragon you'll be willing to try just about anything to worm out of the situation.
Which reminds me of that site that sold fantasy dildoes meant to represent mystical beings' dongs. Anybody remember that? I think it was posted on orange GAFF or one of the earlier.
- Quote :
- Tirion was mistaken, Senia returned the kiss harder. At this point he decided it was just best to give in.
His will was weak and his chastity belt brittle.
- Quote :
- The dragon maiden started to remove her robe slowly, making Tirion have a slight lust in his eyes now.
No, dude, that's just an eyelash.
- Quote :
- He always loved her half-dragon form; he just never made moves on her sexually. Tirion was always busy with his duties for the Argent Crusade.
See, I told you that she was a half-transformed freak. Let's hope for his sake that her scales are reeeal smooth though.
Oh, and that mention of the Argent Crusade was the only bit of canon in the entire fic.
Sadly I didn't save any of the actual porn, but if memory serves it was extremely generic stuff that involved brief doggie-style before ending with dragon freakazette in Tirion's lap.
- Quote :
- A look of embarrassment came across Tirion’s face as he felt himself release his juice into Senia.
Author, you might want to know that Tirion used to be married and had a grown son, so him being this awkward about orgasming is pretty silly.
To the above comment, one of the commenters of the original snark wisely opined:
"Hey, I'm an adult and married and even I'd be embarrassed if I realized I'd just fucked a half dragon/human looking thing and had (evidently) enjoyed it."
Thank you for that, Rantysocks *tips hat*
- Quote :
- Senia looked in his eyes and giggled at him, leaning foreword and biting his neck, her teeth puncturing him.
Yaaay, bloodless bloodplay!
- Quote :
- Coming to a stop and licking his lips as she came as well,
Despite the comma, that's the end of that sentence. I have to give the author credit for at least not having them go "OOOOOOOAAAAAH IIIIIII'M COOOMIIIIING!" like they're running through an airport about to miss their flight. On the other hand, these orgasms really are anticlimatic in every sense of the word.
- Quote :
- “Tirion…I love you...” She said softly as she dismounted him and laid next to him, cuddling up to Tirion. Both of them flinging the blankets over each other and cuddling, falling asleep slowly.
A generic ending to a really pointless story.
This is one of those fics I'm sad to see gone from the 'net. Pointless, but incredibly silly and therefore memorable.