Introducing super!uke Illidan

I will say this for the WoW fandom, I haven't seen much weepy!uke/studly!seme stuff. It's mostly just blood elves boinking everything under the sun, and out of those, it's largely lady belves drooling all over Arthas. So it's kinda nice to see him getting it on with a guy for a change.

Though Illidan in this thing is the least manly thing I've seen since Alone in my King's Harem (yes, that thing in the dress is supposedly a guy).

A Foreign Love Affair by Mizuki-Ichihara

The author claims that she's been writing fanfiction, including yaoi, since she was five years old. I don't know how old she is now, but she doesn't seem to have gotten past the raging stereotypes yet.

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This is another story of Arthas X Illidan that takes place before Illidan became half demon and before Arthas became the king of Ice Crown. So Arthas is still a human paladin and Illidan is still a demon hunter

What she means with "before Arthas became the king of Ice Crown" is that it's before he picked up Frostmourne, based on the summary on the main page. Okay, this takes some serious bending of the timeline... not a good start.

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and yes, I modified Illidan's physical body a bit as usual.

I have a bad feeling about this.

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He doesn't have that six pack or those steroid like arms or chest or muscles...he is slender and with his muscles greatly toned down but not skinny as a toothpick. I honestly don't like the steroid like muscles Blizzard gave him so that's the reason for the modification.

Uhm, okay, the steroid muscles can look a bit ridiculous but he's still a demon hunter, right? That would indicate some serious strength.

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Mizuki(Me:) I am sure this story is going to be fun to type up...I can hardly wait for the story to start.
Arthas: So, who's the top and bottom?
Mizuki(Me: Arthas, you're on top and Illidan you're on bottom.
Illidan: Excuse me but what is top and bottom?
Mizuki (Me): …...Illidan dear, you'll find out in later and I hope it's the best night of your life when it happens.

Nevvy: Excuse me but if you're in this conversation, why are you still alive?

Apparently she thinks the readers are too stupid to remember who she is.

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On a peaceful day in Ashenvale, a lovely demon hunter night elf (...)

Sometimes, I quote a line and then just sit there for five minutes gaping at it while I try to process it enough to make a joke that could possibly match it.

This... is one of those times.

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That lovely night elf was none other than Illidan Stormrage, twin brother of Malfurion Stormrage. Illidan had gotten into a argument with Malfurion and he left to calm down.

You'd think he'd be busy running like hell from Maiev instead of going into the forest to sulk. But of course, then Maiev would probably kill the random rapist instead of Arthas, and that wouldn't be womantic, now woold eet?

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Illidan's heart ached for Tyrande and was jealous of his brother. Some nights he would break down and cry his aching heart out for the pain was too great to bear. His brother had no idea of how much his heart ached or how he felt.

Nooo non non non! Zis one tiny violin, it will not do! Cue the Gnomereagan violin ensemble!

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So here he was, at a moon well to bathe a bit. He removed his pants and then his loincloth then slipped inside the waters of the moon well.

You'd think a weepy!uke would know not to do stuff like this when their studly!seme isn't around, but they just keep putting themselves in the mousetrap in story after story after story.

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he didn't want Tyrande to think ill of him. Or maybe she never liked him anyway, maybe his love was one sided after all and he could never win her heart. He curled up into a ball with his legs pressing against his abdomen and he began to tremble. He ripped off the long and thin black bandana he always wore and cupped his face with his hands and sobbed miserably.

Sems we better call in the dwarven strings orchestra too. Their instruments are not as small, true, but it will have to do.

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The tears simply burst forward like waterfalls and kept flowing like rivers. He was trembling violently and making sounds that indicated he was indeed shedding tears.

Would it be redundant of me to make a redundancy department of redundancy joke? I'm sure I have repeated it before, so perhaps it would be too much of a rerun to reuse such an often recited joke.

Alright, alright, I'll flog myself for that later, sheez...

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Then he heard the sound of bushes being pushed away and a twig snap. Someone was watching him, but who was it? Illidan dared not to stand up and dress himself for it was risky.

The Betrayer, he who would make deals with the Burning Legion, consume demonic skulls and is supposed to be a demon hunter at this point is supposedly scared of some bushes rustling.

This is just some crazy midget nelf who thinks that he's Illidan. Has to be.

Cue random rapist!

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he got up and was about to bend to reach for his clothes when a orc burst from the bushes and knocked him down.

Of course it's an orc. What did you expect, something that could potentially be good-looking?

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The orc glanced at Illidan's body and pinned his wrists down above his head with only one hand onto the slab of smooth rock of the moonwell. Illidan struggled to get his wrists free but it was no use, the orc was too strong. Illidan gasped when he felt the orc spread his legs with his other free hand and used it to put his knees up. The orc grunted and rubbed his hardening clothed member against Illidan's entrance.

I'm pretty sure that with the size difference between orcs and nelves, Illidan would be way too tall to make this possible, since the orc is pinning his arms above his head. Unless with "entrance" they mean belly button.

Offhand, the above line was the end of the very first paragraph of the story. Be afraid. I know I am.

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"No! Brother! Someone please save me! Help! " Illidan cried out while again tears began to spill from his eyes and run down on his cheeks.

Oh gnoes, who will ever save our poor little main character? Why, his shining knight of course!

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The orc began to fondle Illidan's chest with his fingers when suddenly another being charged from the bushes and knocked the orc off of Illidan. Illidan saw it was a human with long hair that shimmered like gold and had blue and silver armor. A paladin he realized.

Illidan: "Wait... what in the Nether is a paladin?"

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The human paladin began swinging the enormous holy mace at the orc and hit him repeatedly. The orc kept being knocked down due to the force and impact of the mace [...] The orc finally fled from the scene, knowing this was a losing battle for him.

I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure that if you're repeatedly knocked down with an "enormous holy mace", then you're probably not going to run anywhere even if you're an orc.

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The paladin put down his mace on the slab of smooth rock of the moonwell and turned to Illidan then walked towards him. Illidan saw he had eyes that were as blue as the skies and sea. He placed his leather encased thumbs onto Illidan's cheeks and wiped the tears away.

The background was suddenly all flowers and sparkles, for some reason. Maybe a vampire carrying a rosebush was running past.

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Illidan was stunned at the paladin's actions but without thinking, he threw himself in the arms of the paladin and hugged him.
"Thank you!Thank you for saving me!", Illidan said with tears building up in his eyes.

I can definitely see that taking away Illidan's steroids was the ONLY thing the author did to him. Why, this is one of the finest fan-characterizations I have ever seen for this character.

Never have I been happier that I don't like nelves and don't give a rat's ass about Illidan.

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"You should put on some clothes, proud elf", the paladin said chuckling,

You haven't been watching him for very long, have you Arty?

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A deep violet blush spread on Illidan's cheeks and he rushed over to dress himself quickly in private behind the moon well's wooden columns.

Ah good, I was worried he wouldn't fulfill the blushing, coy uke cliché as well. That's one more notch for the list!

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"What is your name, holy paladin"?
"Arthas Menethil, son of King Terenas Menethil the second. What is yours?", Arthas responded.
"Illidan Stormrage. Twin brother of Malfurion Stormrage.

You, purple Sir, are a goddamn liar.

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Then they heard the sound of someone calling Illidan's name loudly. "Illidan!Illidan where are you?", the loud voice said. Another female voice called out for his name. Illidan recognized it to be his brother Malfurion and Tyrande.

Yeah, sure, the two leaders of the night elf people can be out looking for the deluded guy thinking he's Illidan Stormrage, instead of sending some bored sentinels or druids with nothing better to do. Why not?

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"When can I see you again?", Illidan asked without a second thought. He felt like a silly young girl asking her possible mate to a fancy dinner.

That could be because you've been acting like a ten-year-old girl the whole time.

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Arthas leaned forward and kissed Illidan's cheek. Illidan's eyes widened in surprise and a dark violet blush ran on his cheeks like fire.

Spiffy. My new desktop screen has now been baptized with a spray of tea.

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Arthas smiled and was looking forward to tomorrow. He had just given away his good luck charm given to him by his father to a lovely night elf he'd barely known for a hour.

By my count, they excanged twelve lines of dialogue. Was that hour made up of New York seconds? /possibly obscure Discworld reference(tm)

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He walked back to his alliance base camp.

I'm sure Jaina was rather upset to see her crazy ex suddenly appearing on Kalimdor, and in her camp to boot!

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The night elf had the most dazzling amber eyes Arthas had ever seen and his skin was a light shade of purple but his skin looked so smooth and soft like fine silk. His hair was indigo colored and he was slender with a bit of muscle.

AHA! Indigo hair, that's a bit of a stretch. I KNEW it wasn't Illidan!

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He wondered why he wore a black bandana across his eyes to hide his lovely eyes, perhaps he is blind?

You weren't paying attention, were you?

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Malfurion and Tyrande told Illidan how they were worried about him and explained the situation back in the base camp but Illidan didn't seem to be listening. He keep touching the cheek where Arthas kissed him and blushing.

Tyrande: "... okay, I admit. Releasing him from prison was stupid."
Malfurion: "This wasn't quite why I was upset, but I'm glad we can agree. Guards!"

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When they arrived back to the night elf base camp, Illidan hurried into their private house that had three rooms for them. He rushed upstairs and closed the door,shutting himself into privacy. He laid down on his side on the elven styled poster bed with violet colored sheets and pillows

You know... "base camp" indicates the bare necessities. I don't think even nelves think it's useful to lug around whole houses, even if they have moving trees to help them.

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"Did you see the look on his face? He clearly was blushing, a very cute blush if I do say so myself. The thing that shocked me was how he was smiling the whole time and seemed to be lost in his own world for quite a bit.", Tyrande said while eating a grape.

Malfurion: "Well, he is insane, you can't blame him for being lost in his own world. The blushing was pretty disturbing, though."

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"Maybe something happened at the moonwell?", Tyrande suggested.
"That's outrageous! What could have possibly happened over there? Malfurion knew Illidan was a good fighter and he could easily take care of himself.

I feel like we're not thinking about the same person, here.

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"He is a good warrior, he can take care of himself", Tyrande said.

PFFFFBWAHAHAHAAAA!

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"He is a good warrior, he can take care of himself", Tyrande said.

"Unless he comes across one of those strech-o-matic rape-orcs, those guys are scary."

Holy crap, it's like the author was taking notes from the Stereotypical Yaoi Love Story Handbook. XD It's got EVERYTHING, right down to the beautiful naked bishified uke in the bath!

For those you know fuck all about Warcraft lore, this is Illidan;

Spoiler:

I certainly was not prepared for this.

What.

Okay, from the bits of info I've picked up off the wiki he's lacking the horns and wings in this fic (probably because ukey Illidan would collapse like an accordian from the weight), but still, who looks at a man who could outgrump the average seme and goes OMG BISHIE!!!1 [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] ?

For reals, night elves are over 7 feet tall for fuck sakes.

Nevvy wrote:

The author claims that she's been writing fanfiction, including yaoi, since she was five years old. I don't know how old she is now, but she doesn't seem to have gotten past the raging stereotypes yet.

WTF? She seriously expects people to believe that she was writing stories about gay male sex at the age normal children begin learning the alphabet? That is one fucked up child prodigy.

If you consider yaoi to be a catch-all for m/m, it's possible she could have been writing stories about daddies and daddies at an age where most children would be writing about mummies and daddies. Highly unlikely even if she lived in a really progressive area and weren't a raging yaoi fangirl, but it's not something impossible.

Sutremaine wrote:

If you consider yaoi to be a catch-all for m/m, it's possible she could have been writing stories about daddies and daddies at an age where most children would be writing about mummies and daddies. Highly unlikely even if she lived in a really progressive area and weren't a raging yaoi fangirl, but it's not something impossible.

I thought that the word yaoi implied a relationship of a sexual nature, correct me if I'm wrong? I guess using that definition it's not entirely impossible. But she would also have to have an above-average grasp of language for a five year old, which, given this example, I find doubtful, but I will concede it's within the realm of possibility. lol

I was on a slash list years ago, and it wasn't uncommon for 'yaoi' to be a general term that encompassed shounen-ai as well. These days I'd use it for relationships that have that seme/uke thing going on as well as all the other trappings of Japanese romance, but slash-related terms tend to be used differently by different groups. This isn't a problem if you're within the group, but bring any outsiders into it and some guesswork is needed.

Ah, I see. Must remember this. Thanks!

I know nothing about WOW, but I'm willing to swear on my mother's grave that scary thing with the wings and horns is NOT a blushing uke Elf.

Also, do people normally bathe in wells in this universe? All I could think of was "Hey, people have to drink out of that thing, you know!" Surely they've got discreetly moonlit pools where the ukes can cavort all they want?

Rabid Badger wrote:

Also, do people normally bathe in wells in this universe? All I could think of was "Hey, people have to drink out of that thing, you know!" Surely they've got discreetly moonlit pools where the ukes can cavort all they want?

In canon (or lore, as is the preferred term here), the moonwells are something akin to small temples and they are protected pretty fiercely by the night elves. There's more than one quest in WoW where you're set to protect, free or purify a moonwell. In fanfiction, people bathe in them all the time, though it would probably really be frowned upon unless you're a night elf priestess or druid.

Illidan, on the other hand, is drenched in demon magic and generally regarded as a menace to society. People would in a normal version of Azeroth be terrified to because he's freakin' scary, but he ought to be flogged for risking tainting the moonwell with his demonic presence.

Rabid Badger wrote:

I know nothing about WOW, but I'm willing to swear on my mother's grave that scary thing with the wings and horns is NOT a blushing uke Elf.

Also, do people normally bathe in wells in this universe? All I could think of was "Hey, people have to drink out of that thing, you know!" Surely they've got discreetly moonlit pools where the ukes can cavort all they want?

He's not exactly an Elf or a Demon. He absorbed the powers of the Skull of Gul'dan and grew the wings and horns. Incidentally, he was tricked into giving the Legion the Demon Soul to make their portal stronger and he also competed with his brother for the affections of a woman and lost and was then released by said woman 10,000 years later (elves are immortal BTW) and then ended up being tricked by Arthas so that he would destroy the Skull of Gul'dan but ended up absorbing it's power and becoming Arthas' bitch...so that 'might' be the reasoning behind the Bishifying of something so manly...or is that Elfly?

Anywho...

Braigwen wrote:

...so that 'might' be the reasoning behind the Bishifying of something so manly...

I do not play WoW, but I am going to go out on a limb here and say that the uke-fication is due completely to the fact this guy is an elf. Elves=girls, doncha know?

XLT-100852.0 wrote:

I certainly was not prepared for this.

I see what you did there. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Poor Illidan. First having to go through all of that crap, and then having his character ruined in fanfiction. Guy can't catch a break, it seems.

I looked at the reviews for the author's other story, and I'm almost convinced that it is in fact a troll. The reviewers for that one react like people already have to the atrocity I snarked here - however I don't know anything about Starcraft so I can only assume that her other fic is treating these characters just as badly based on the reviews.

DIS, reviewer of that fic wrote:

You have to like Fenix and Raynor, at least a little bit, or else you wouldn´t *try* to write a story about them. Then why do you distort their characters so completely? Warping Fenix into some weak crybaby, just to fit into the "uke"-scheme you put him into.

^ It certainly is possible, although I would choose a bigger fandom if I were going to troll with uke/seme stereotypes like that. Or maybe just a more obvs one, like maybe Street Fighter with Ken as a weepy uke? He is blond, after all. Or He-Man. That would be loltastic >.<

Actually, now that I am thinking aout it I am kind of liking the idea. It would be fun to see how completely you could rewrite a character to cram them into an uke/seme format and still get insane yaoi fangirls to squee over it.

... aw, snap, I just glanced over the first chapter and saw that she had edited it heavily. Illidan is more in character, but there is random, confusing emo rape stuff in the beginning. It's still pretty damn horrible though, just not in the same way.

Anyway, she could be trolling because people would react with more venom in a fandom where really isn't much slash written, at least not with the canon characters. So people wouldn't be used to it. Super!uke He-man is a very amusing thought, apart from that it would be pseudo-necrofilia since he'd obviously have to be paired with Skeletor.

Nevvy wrote:

Super!uke He-man is a very amusing thought, apart from that it would be pseudo-necrofilia since he'd obviously have to be paired with Skeletor.

.... Fuck now I want to read that story for the giggles.

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They come here and rape us everyday, we do not resist nor take pleasure, Illidan said to himself. They first beat Malfurion, then when he had gotten slimmer and lost majority of his muscles, they started to rape him as well daily.

Because manly men are not hot enough to rape!

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It is a nightmare now to watch them place foreign objects in his anus or force him to commit such humiliating acts.

Oh, so that is where I left my keys!

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Sometimes they force him to sleep outside the balcony when it is freezing cold at night or they force us both to sleep outside there. Or make him eat like a pathetic dog and lick their feet.

They force him to eat! How ghastly! Only dogs eat.

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They threaten to take my life and use that to force him to commit such vile acts, but he obeys now without hesitation to not let them kill me. Brother, you are a fool and shouldn't let them do this to you, you have too much pride for that.

Tsk tsk, always blaming the victim.

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On a peaceful day in Ashenvale, a lovely demon hunter night elf is walking in a grassy pathway surrounded by many abnormally tall trees that had either green leaves or violet colored leaves. That lovely night elf was none other than Illidan Stormrage,

MICAH: Urp--! I'm sorry, I just threw up in my mouth.

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Illidan's heart yearned for Tyrande and was jealous of his brother. His stupid brother had to be in the way, worse that she had chosen him.

JACKSON: Even more so Illidan's split personality going out with Malfurion in secret.
BRIAN: Really Jackson? So early in the story?

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So here he was, at a moon well to bathe a bit. He removed his pants and then his loincloth then slipped inside the waters of the moon well.

KAT: Promptly pissing off every Priest of Elune in a hundred-mile radius.

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Illidan looked up at the light violet sky and even more hatred boiled inside him. His brother hated him as well, because he meddled with arcane magic.

KIRA: Doesn't help either Illidan forgot his own brother's birthday.
JACKSON: But how is that...wha...Duuuuhhhh...
BRIAN: Good job, Kira, you broke him.

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They decided to lighten his sentence but Illidan thought they were fools to do so. Maybe she never liked him anyway, maybe his love was one sided after all and he could never win her heart. He curled up into a ball with his legs pressing against his abdomen and he began to tremble.

MICAH: Kinda what I felt after I watched Battlefield Earth the first time.

Thanks Nevvy, adding this abomination to my MiST list!

So I've looked this up and apparently Illidan was put in prison for over 9,000! 10,000 years for betraying the elves and using evil magic and etc. etc, which is fine, I can dig it. But when he's released to battle the Scourge he encounters Arthas who is already the undead champion of the Lich King.
Is it just me, or does this mean that Illidan and Arthas meeting before either of them got all fucked up and awesome is actually impossible? I accept that my grasp of Warcraft lore is at best sketchy.

That aside, this is all incredibly hilarious.

ETA:

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Well now there's the first chapter. So, what do you think? I think it was terrible and I know I need to improve and to be honest, I think I am a bad writer ^^.

Yeah! ^^ Happy happy, joy joy! At least she's self aware.

Fitchsticks wrote:

So I've looked this up and apparently Illidan was put in prison for over 9,000! 10,000 years for betraying the elves and using evil magic and etc. etc, which is fine, I can dig it. But when he's released to battle the Scourge he encounters Arthas who is already the undead champion of the Lich King.
Is it just me, or does this mean that Illidan and Arthas meeting before either of them got all fucked up and awesome is actually impossible? I accept that my grasp of Warcraft lore is at best sketchy.

That aside, this is all incredibly hilarious.

ETA:

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Well now there's the first chapter. So, what do you think? I think it was terrible and I know I need to improve and to be honest, I think I am a bad writer ^^.

Yeah! ^^ Happy happy, joy joy! At least she's self aware.

Illidan was imprisoned for stealing waters from the Well of Eternity and creating a new Well on the summit of Hyjal. His seceding to join Queen Azshara was kind of a means to put an end to Azshara summoning any more of the Burning Legion.

But the fact remains that Illidan meeting with Arthas BEFORE he wielded Frostmourne, is completely impossible. Therefore,t his story couldn't possibly happen canonically.