I'm a long time lurker but this is my first spork, so please be gentle
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] I really love Arthurian Legend, so I was quite excited when I saw the BBC's retelling of Merlin had a pretty awesome first season. Things went downhill from there with the show, and suddenly Merlin 2008 fandom wasn't so much fun.
There are Mary Sues all over the place, most are Arthur and Guinevere's children, I know this seems weird considering how that relationship usually ends up in the legends. But the show is currently playing the "doomed tru wub" bullcrap with them, which has made the pairing very popular among young fans.
Linkie here
So I'll be sporking
Dragon's Don't Harm Ponies by
mydoctortennant. Which deals with Arthur, Gwen and their magical Sue Spawn.
The story starts with Arthur wandering around the "town" of Camelot and thinking about his father and whatnow.
- Quote :
- His father, though sometimes a little too harsh, was respected by his people.
You might call genocide a
little harsh.
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- Confusion struck Arthur
like a blow to the head; well, Arthur never was that bright.
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- as he walked through the town, a small voice shouting for him; “Daddy!” over and over again.
How could he know that the voice was shouting to him, unless he had changed his name from “Arthur Pendragon” to “Daddy”? Either that or the town is full of Pendragon bastards.
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- Her long blonde was falling over her shoulder, and a few teeth missing in her grin;
Just like a word was missing from this sentence! Geddit?
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- “Daddy!” she said triumphantly, climbing in between Arthur and Gwen – who had just woken up just as confused as Arthur had been – and bounced.
Arthur just BAMFed from the streets of Camelot to his bedroom apparently. I think the previous part was a dream sequence, though the author never bothers to explain.
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- The girl was five now, the youngest of their four children, and the only girl. Unlike her brothers she had the blonde hair of her father, though it curled madly like her mothers.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]These are Arthur and Gwen from Merlin 2008.
So along with being a Mary Sue, she also defies the Mendelian laws of inheritance. She is just too cool for dominant alleles!
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- She took after Arthur in most ways. She liked attention, she liked running in head first, and she
had lots of sexual tension with Morgana and Merlin, obviously.
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- Above all else she had his eyes. Those that were filled with so much love and adoration of everything she cared for.
Arthur’s clone!spawn ha
s love eyes.
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- “Rae?” they had chosen to name their only daughter after both of their mothers, Igraine Isobel Pendragon. As a young child she’d never managed to say her name, so her own name for herself, ‘Rae’ stuck.
She has a speshul nickname too!
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- (not so sure about the “Daddy” thing … I personally always see the kids using “Mother” and “Father” and the adults using simply the names … you know what I mean? But maybe that's just me sticking too much to protocol ^^)
Author's note within the fic. Also who cares about what she calls her parents, the author gave Arthur (king of the
BRITONS)’s child an European name! He should be apologizing for that!
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- “You give into her too easily,” Gwen commented, trying not to fall back to sleep. She could just about see the sun rising through the turrets of the castle wall opposite their window. “As you did to Llachen, Gwydre and Amhar.”
The Gary Stu brothers who are irrelevant to the plot and shall never be mentioned again.
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- “If you spoil her too much the boys will get jealous and we’ll have a coup on our hands.
Yeah, the sons will obviously revolt against such blatant sexism. Equality for all, we say!
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- “They’re grown up, I’m sure they can manage.
… to cope with the fact that their sister wants some quality daddy time without throwing a coup d’etat.
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- "But I did promise her I would play with her this morning, I’m the King, I can’t be seen to go against my word, or she’ll turn out like Morgana. I don’t need her against me as well
“I mean, you remember that the whole reason that Morgana went evil was because I never played with her in the mornings! She never forgave me!” - Quote :
- But Gwen knew what he was saying. Morgana had turned against Uther in the end, in turn against the lot of them.
Obviously this was all Uther’s fault for positively discriminating. He gave her too many toys, and look how she turned out!
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- Keeping their daughter, and sons at that, sweet was a priority.
Kids these days, you never know when they’ll rise up and chop off their parents’ heads.
Anyway, off they go and the Rae-Sue bitches and whines about how her father cannot appreciate her special wooden animals.
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- “How should I be doing it?” he asked, leaning back and letting Rae reset all the pieces he had moved and in turn ruined her game. She started garbling away about how the Dragon didn’t hurt the ponies and how the Knights won, because the magician protected them all. He couldn’t help but smiled, ruffling her blonde curls.
The grammar in this story is like an additional character. It pops up at random to see if it can surprise you.
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- “Can we go pick flowers?” Arthur’s eyes went wide. Flowers? He didn’t pick flowers, he sent Merlin to pick flowers to make him look good.
First piece of consistent characterization in the story!
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- “Mummy says these ones are called dogroses, but Gaia
Mary Sue speaks to Mother Earth! Oh wait, I think she means
Gaius.
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- told me it was called a rosa caninny.
I think you mean Rosa Canina, except binomial nomenclatures weren’t invented until the 18th century. Does Rae have a TARDIS too?
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- But they are pretty so I think we should have some for Mummy’s bucket.”
“Bouquet.”
“That’s what I said, bucket!”
Do I sniff a
Keeping Up Appearances rip-off?
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- Luckily his reputation as a non-flower picking being could stand intact. He was merely a flower holder – much more manly.
Arthur was constantly paranoid about his sexuality ever since
The Camelot Sun started running those articles speculating about his
“close friendship with Merlin”So after a lot of nausea inducing flower picking, Arthur wants to go home. However, Rae has other ideas. They need to find the perfect flower for Gwen, and she manges to outsmart Arthur yet again.
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- “It’s just over here, I can show you! Mummy loves it.”
“As much
as lavender?”
“Lavendula angustifolia,” he was lost. She was five and she was already smarter than him.
Now if only she could spell it
‘Lavandula’ and italicise it, she’d finally pass her biology A-level. Maybe she needs time travel back to the 18th century and learn the spellings properly first?
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- She’d do well for herself, however she planned to live.
Maybe she could invent binomial nomenclature 500 years early? There’s a thought.
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- If she was happy, Arthur was happy.
Those blue pills made sure of that!
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- Arthur sat himself in the tall grass, perched,
Is Arthur’s butt bipolar? Is it perching or sitting? I mean, birds don’t sit.
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- He looked up at the sky and watched as the clouds moved. He saw a cloud in the shape of a rearing horse. Another he saw a simple flower.
Then, he decided it was time to stop mixing his medication with alcohol.
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- “What are you doing, Daddy?” she’d hiked up her dress, and was jumping over the tall grass towards him.
“Are you still deciding between whether you’re sitting or perching, because I think your left butt cheek is sitting and the other is perching. Just so you know.” - Quote :
- “I’m looking at the clouds,” he points to the one shaped like a horse, “See that one there?”
“It’s a bad omen. It speaks of the Sues yet to come.” - Quote :
- “It looks like Milky,” Milky, her rearing horse wooden statuette that Merlin had carved for her, where he’d gotten that skill from Arthur would never understand.
He inherited it from his dad. Cause everything is inheritable! Except skin, eye and hair color.
She then goes to explain how Merlin saved her useless life:
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- “You fell out a tree?”
“Uncle Merlin stopped me, with his magics.”
Damn you, Merlin! You brought doom upon Camelot, you fool! YOU SHOULD HAVE LET THE ABOMINATION DIE!
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- “Right,” he was still trying to get used to that. Merlin with magic.
Arthur treated magic folk just as he treated normal folk. He even let them use his bathroom.
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- Arthur laid back into the grass, holding his arm out towards his daughter. She crawled over to him. She flopped down onto his chest,
The weight of her precocious brain was a great burden for Arthur to bear.
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- making him groan but he wrapped her arms around her regardless.
... this is getting kind of creepy.
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- His youngest child nestled into his chest, Arthur could feel his stomach growling beneath her stick of an arm.
The OOCness has turned him into a cannibal! I knew it! He lured her into the forest so he could eat her in peace.
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- “Come on sweet heart. It’s time for lunch,”
At 6AM! Just like Camelot likes it.
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- “Don’t forget Mummy’s bucket!” he picked up the bundle of flowers, and handed them to Rae, she cradled them as he cradled her and carried her back up to the castle.
Usually, toddlers can walk. Just saying. I mean, she speaks Latin and she has legs. Why not let her use them?
The End? Let's hope so.
Oh and from the
author's notes:
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- And yes she's saying Mummy and Daddy, but Father and Mother just weren't as cute, soooo I really don't care how inaccurate it is XD
Your concern about this is cute, shame you didn’t care to research the historical validity of the rest of your story.
And that was my first sporking. Hope you enjoyed! I'm very nervous about posting this.
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