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 Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.

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Hadiya Tannous

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Join date : 2010-05-01
Location : Anywhere I can read, learn, live, laugh, imagine, and love.

PostSubject: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   Tue May 11, 2010 1:31 am

Hello all, and welcome to my first fanfic snark on this forum! I was an original GAFFer known by the name of Whispers of a Ghost, but now I have migrated to this forum--older, wiser, and even more intolerant of miserable writing.

Now, for those of you that do not know, Hetalia: Axis Powers/World Series is a comic/anime series that has become an international phenomenon about the personifications of countries and nations. Now, the fanfic for Hetalia varies on two levels. On one hand it can be fabulous; some of the best writers I have ever encountered are in the fandom, and there is something quite appealing about political and historical events being the starting points of good angsty romance. Then there's the part of the fandom that...well...sucks monkey muff.

This is a delve into the bad area.

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I present to you the first few chapters of Brothers of Asia, a fanfic that I will cover in several installments because I would pop my eyes with a toothpick if I had to slog through all fourteen chapters of this slag.

Okay, first things first, this author is fond of a mixture of run-on and pointlessly short nonsensical sentences. I mention this up front because if I paused to point out every single sentence mishap I would be here for fifty years. With that said, onward.

Quote :
Summary: All the nations just met for a summit in Hong Kong as the
countries left little did they know that in the shadows new enimies
moves to destroy the world we know

Brace yourselves, guys. The entire damn fanfic is written this way.

Quote :
Discription'thinking'"Talking""Attack
call"

Brothers of Asia: now with 100% more confusing font and dialogue intersectionality!

Quote :
Warning: Possibility of hitsorical inaccuracy. THERE WILL BE NO YAOI

Oh fuck, I should just give up here. You know how people always bitch about fangirls queering fanfic by writing slash, yaoi, and yuri? Well, this is an example of said concept's bastard child: the straightening of the text, in which any hint of queerness in the original subject matter is beaten to death with an iron mallet.

Now, don't get me wrong--I know not everyone is a fan of yaoi/yuri. However, this is friggin Hetalia. The author is straightening HETALIA. To give those unfamiliar with the series of how absurd this is, imagine Queer as Folk or Gravitation being rewritten without any homosexuality whatsoever.

Yeah.

In short, Hetalia is one of those shows that is queer in its basic nature, and removing that sucks one half of the life from the text. In other words: only a freaking amazing writer can pull off such a move.

Unfortunately, we're stuck with this author. Abandon all hope from this point on.

Quote :
"ALRIGHT THIS BEGINS THE UN SUMMIT" America cried slamming his hand on
the table in front of him. "I SHALL COME UP WITH IDEAS AND NO ONE ARGUES
WITH ME"

The author opens right up with a gimmick from several of the anime episodes. Only she handles it poorly. Very poorly.

Also, a UN meeting? They aren't the UN! And if they were, they would be meeting at the UN headquarters. WHICH IS IN NEW YORK.

Quote :
SMACKAmerica was punched and thrown across the room."What
are you talking about you nitwit we haven't even started and haven't
agreed on anything!" Canada said shaking his fist. The whole room
deadpanned very few countries had the courage to punch America for his
stupidity. Canada along with Russia, England, France, China, Japan, and
Germany were the few countries that had no fear of America. Many didn't
understand why Canada wasn't that afraid of America, Canada barely had a
fifth of the population that America did as well as America was a
superpower when it came to military where as Canada has a strong
military but wasn't viewed as highly as America's. Only Germany knew why
Canada wasn't afraid of America as well as he remembered very well how
afraid he was of Canada.

...

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Oh my God, it's the first paragraph of the story and America and Canada are ALREADY majorly OOC! HELLPPPP someone GET ME OUT OF HEERRRREEEE!!

So anyway we get stupidly written squabbling in which the whole Canada/America mistaken identity gambit is brought in to try to add some humor to the story but instead falls flat on its face. Then the story's theme of siblinghood and family rears its ugly head to whack us with its baseball bat of significance until we pass out.

Quote :
Russia just smiled he has a great relationship with Canada, and well
America was America, but however Russia had a great deal of respect for
Canada and America, seeing the two brothers squable with each other was a
nice sight to him as he didn't have any brothers to bicker with. He had
a sweet big hearted sister, and a sister that gave him nightmares at
night.Japan shuddered he had never seen Canada that mad before
which spooked him quite a bit. But however he wasn't the only country."About
time Canada finally bloody snapped" Britain observed just smiling
seeing who he viewed as his two sons bickering with each other like they
should have in the past but Canada was too quite and forgiving, America
was too loud and craved attention. "Identiticle twins yet exact
opposites""Ah they do complete each other yes, such a beautiful
brotherly relationship" France added while smiling as he watched Canada
bicker and begin wrestling with America. He held back some laughter as
he watched the two countries begin to pull at each other's faces.

Okay. Brotherhood. WE GET IT.

Why the hell is England called Britain? He is never called Britain ANYWHERE in the series. And notice how the author negates the possibility of US/UK slash by immediately claiming his fatherhood over America (a surprisingly common tactic in the fandom). Anyone who has watched the anime (especially if they have also read the comic) immediately realizes how stupid this is seeing as the two have more subtext than you can shake a stick at (yes my pairing preference is showing shut the hell up).

Also, misspellings like woah. Spell check. USE IT.

Moving on.

Quote :
"Welcome everyone I hope that you all have a great meeting here as we
discuss problems that we as a world need to adress with eachother" Hong
Kong finished sitting back down as the whole UN council began to clap.

THEY'RE NOT THE GODDAMNED UN AND IF THEY WERE THEY WOULD BE IN NEW YORK AAAAAAAAAHHHHH

Quote :
"Well" America stood up making the first announcement. "As many of you
know hurricane Umo has caused a fair bit of damage to my east coast, and
with other needs in on my weat coast from hurricane Domo,

America: "Also, I would like to announce that the naming of hurricanes has been taken over by the National Council of Internet Trolls. I believe their unofficial name is 4chan."

...Wait, how in the fuck does a hurricane manage to hit the West coast?! Is this some point in the future when global warming has screwed everything up and there are glaciers in Argentina or something?!

(Also, "weat coast". Fail. So hard.)

Anyway America asks Canada for aid and everyone makes a big damn production of the whole deal and there's a Scooby Doo-esque group laugh thrown in there at the end for God knows what reason. Thus the first chapter ends and we can move on to the second! Aren't you excited?!

::crickets::

Quote :
Aurthor's notes: Hurricane Domo, and Umo are fake hurricanes that I came
up with for the sake of the story.

No, really?! OMG wow, I would have never guessed. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :
And if people take some offense to this as well, I will say that in the
first episode America did say something similar to this.

Um, author? You're in the Hetalia section of ff.net. In other words: YES, WE KNOW.

Anyway, chapter two--"They've Struck". Hopefully "they" includes plot, spelling, grammar, and characterization.

Quote :
I know that Canada is OOC but however I'd like to point out that
all of the characters are going to show some OOC

Gee, what a wonderful way to start off the chapter. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :
"Hey England!" France called. Arthur stopped dead as he was just about
to turn and dash, hoping to escape the ecstatic bi country.

Oh no, bisexuality is specified as unique. Please tell me that this isn't going to descend into "OMG gay people are so weird" territory.

Quote :
"Yeah it's been two years" admitted Arthur looking up at the
sky as they walked, suddenly he heard chatting and footsteps ahead of
them. "Hey there's Matt and Al" Arthur pointed ahead of them at both
Matthew and Alfred. "Hey Guys!" Arthur called catching the attention of
both their child countries.

See, France and England are two daddies, BUT THEY AREN'T GAY FOR EACH OTHER, OH NO (I can just picture France/UK shippers shaking their fists at their computer screens while screaming at this story. Honestly I was tempted to do the exact same thing many times).

Quote :
"Count on Francis being the only one to make any country shiver with
just a wink" Alfred whispered to Matt who just nodded.

Oh Lord this is a "homosexuality=icky" story! What the Hell, Author? You're in Hetalia, for Christ's sake! I mean OMGWTFBBQ AAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

So England, Canada, America, and France encounter China, South Korea, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Thailand, and Vietnam and the main conflict of the story is revealed: Japan is estranging himself from his siblings because he can't forgive himself for the horrible atrocities he's brought upon them. This conflict actually pleases me, because it does make a boatload of sense historically, and such tensions are visible in the anime and comic. Now, if only it was actually written well...

Quote :
"Maybe China was right, we should set example to how the world
should get along" Matt stated turning to the others.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :
"Well, for everyone I'm making my special steak, Beef stew, corn on
the cob, chicken burgers, fries, with poutine (Francis's eyes light up),
not excluding the ranch lettuce salad, and leftover turkey stuffing
from thanksgiving" Matt answered smiling while the other's mouths
drooled with anticipation.
Waaaiiiiittt a minute. Does this seem familiar to anyone? Straightening of the canon? Emphasis on familial relationships? Excessive descriptions of food? OMG, is one of Cori Falls' minions writing this?! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

The group of US, UK, Canada, and France promptly encounter the group of Germany, Japan, N. Italy, and S. Italy (remember kids, no gay in this party!) and they proceed to spew the importance of self-forgiveness all over the damn fanfic. The groups split up and Germany, N. Italy, S. Italy, and Japan head over to Hong Kong's house so Japan can reconcile with his siblings, who are also en route to Hong Kong's house.
BUT THEN DISASTER STRIKES!
Quote :
Meanwhile with China, Korea, Taiwan, Thailand, Vietnam, and Hong Kong.
BEHOLD THE INCREDIBLE SCENE TRANSITIONS
Quote :
"I wonder why they still stick so close to each other after what
happened in WWII?" Vietnam openly asked."Probably because they
share the same guilt aru" China answered.
Because N. Italy and Germany are totally in each others' pant--::cough cough:: I mean, yes. What China said.

Quote :
CRASH, SHREECH
Oh my God, a car just crashed into the fanfic!
Quote :
The Asian countries stopped when they heard what they guessed to be
bamboo poles crashing and a cat screeching from behind.
Ooorrrrrrrr it could be that, too. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :
"Well well, what do we have here boys" a man wearing an unfamiliar
Chinese military uniform with a large group of thugs appeared in front
of them. Many of the thugs were holding, staffs, swords, iron poles, and
anything thing you could define as a weapon.
Apparently a group of evil goons sounds exactly like a screeching cat and falling bamboo poles. Take notes, people--this information could save your lives.
Wait, how can an unfamiliar uniform be identified as Chinese? And how the hell did no one notice the mass group of Street Fighter extras standing right in front of them? Did they fucking teleport in?
Quote :
"Looks like the Nations that our leader wants us to capture" another
voice from behind startled the countries and they wheeled around. They
found another man wearing the same unfamiliar military outfit as the
other man, only this time it looked Korean. The Asian countries went
back to back finding themselves surrounded by thugs. China managed to
count easily a hundred and twenty thugs, but couldn't tell if there was
more hiding in the shadows, or in the alley ways."Well what are
we waiting for then" the first gang leader said. "Get them boys" and the
group of thugs charged the Asian countries.

Sooooo...let me get this straight. A group of over one-hundred men wearing stupid and unusual uniforms and brandishing clumsy weapons not only managed to fit into a city street without appearing too conspicuous to bystanders but also managed to one-up the six unarmed people they were stalking while standing right in front of them?

...Yeah. Okay. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

So, I think that's all for tonight. Join me tomorrow for more tedious plot twists, epic displays of asshatery, and fight scenes that never fucking end. See you then!
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myeerah
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PostSubject: Re: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   Tue May 11, 2010 8:15 am

Quote :
weat coast

I hereby declare Kansas the Wheat Coast. And Nebraska is the Corn Coast.

...And Louisiana is the South Coast.
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saeku
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PostSubject: Re: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   Tue May 11, 2010 8:20 am

Looks like it's as unfunny as Hetalia itself, but without the pretty gay boys, so the entire reason for its existence is eliminated.

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SlyChild
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PostSubject: Re: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   Tue May 11, 2010 12:13 pm

Holy fuck, saeku, what is that in your avatar? That's one of the coolest things I've ever seen. WHAT IS IT I MUST KNOW
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myeerah
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PostSubject: Re: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   Tue May 11, 2010 12:33 pm

SlyChild wrote:
Holy fuck, saeku, what is that in your avatar? That's one of the coolest things I've ever seen. WHAT IS IT I MUST KNOW

Mindflayer?
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bleachedblackcat
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PostSubject: Re: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   Tue May 11, 2010 3:40 pm

I don't know, this story is pretty funny. Though in ways I doubt the writer wanted us to find it.
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saeku
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PostSubject: Re: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   Tue May 11, 2010 4:02 pm

myeerah wrote:
SlyChild wrote:
Holy fuck, saeku, what is that in your avatar? That's one of the coolest things I've ever seen. WHAT IS IT I MUST KNOW

Mindflayer?

No (although I love and write about mind flayers.) It's from this blog.
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Hadiya Tannous

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PostSubject: Re: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   Wed May 12, 2010 10:56 pm

So, onward.

We open this chapter with N. Italy, S. Italy, Germany, and Japan heading to Hong Kong's house, with Japan wangsting all the way (seriously, why not crank up some Linkin Park while you're at it, Nihon?). They eventually get there, but suddenly the redundancy fairy strikes!

Quote :
But as they all observed the building something wasn't right.
"Something's not right here"

Apparently the masters of repeating themselves notice that the house is dark and no one seems to be around. Instead of pulling out their cell phones and giving their friends a call like sensible people, they wibble and ponder about with pointless dialogue:

Quote :
"The lights aren't on" Italy observed trying his best to peek inside
the house and catch a glimpse of China and the other Asian nations."Shouldn't
they have been here by now?" Romano wondered out loud."I would
imagine so, the distance from the UN meeting hall isn't much farther
than to the hotel. Are they already asleep?""Not possible" Italy
popped up between Germany and Romano with his arms folded across his
chest. "Dinner's usually take the better part of an hour, sometimes
more, It's just a little after eight.""The meeting only ended two
hours ago" Germany finding the situation a little more suspicious.
"Could they be waiting inside to surprise you Japan?""I don't
know this is China-san we are talking about" Japan couldn't make heads
or tails of the situation either. Italy was peering through a window and
sniffing the air."What are you doing brother?" Romano asked."I
don't smell any food being cooked" Italy was right, there wasn't any
scent of food in the air."Either they are playing a cruel joke
or-

Right. Because no one ever goes out to eat or is ever late going home ever.

Anyway, the Keystone Kops hear S. Korea shrieking so they track the scream to its source, during which the author decides to slam the audience with this little factoid:

Quote :
'I know that Hong Kong-san was having trouble with some conspirators,
but for the conspirators to attack the whole family at the same time is
unthinkable. The whole family are Martial Arts masters including me they
would be too powerful as a group for just simple conspirators.'

Wait, conspirators?! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] WTF, before this moment the author has NEVER mentioned ANYTHING about conspirators or evil organizations or what not! Did the author just miss the English classes when foreshadowing was taught or did s/he just come up with the damn plot on the fly?!

They eventually discover the six Asian nations in a single street being overpowered by the two-hundred goons from the second chapter (who, apparently, are either members of the best organization ever for having been trained in advanced martial arts and how to fight in large groups without any bystanders at all noticing or are Smiths from the Matrix). Japan gets all indignant with RRRAAAGGGEEE and starts beating the crap out of the goons and is soon joined by Germany and S. Italy (?! Romano?! WTF?!). N. Italy is given the important task of calling for help, which he does so in the most out of character way possible:

Quote :
"CURSES!" Italy yelled this wasn't the time to have a persons'
cell off.

Curses? Really, author? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

So, while playing chicken with several goons, he proceeds to call the police. NO, I'M SORRY, THAT WOULD BE SENSIBLE, HE CALLS CANADA INSTEAD.

Speaking of which, let's check up on the (not gay at all, what are you saying) quartet of America, England, France, and Canada with the help of this brilliant scene transition!

Quote :
Meanwhile at Canada's apartment.

Shakespearian, I tell you.

Quote :
"What did you think of Hong Kong's announcement of people who seem to
be out to take over Asia?" Alfred asked scooping salad onto his plate."Didn't
know you could even stand eating healthy little Alfred" Francis mocked,
all Alfred did was glare the best Death glare he could muster. "But I
don't know what to make of it" Francis continued. "It certainly is
strange that an organization would just appear and threaten all of Asia,
I mean over half the world's population exists here""True, they
would need tons of supporters, not including stashes of weapons too"
Matthew popped a slice of steak in his mouth and began to enjoy the
flavour."But where would they get it?" Arthur asked."Russia
has been selling a lot of his old equipment, maybe he ended up selling
to them as well" Alfred speculated grabbing another burger while still
glaring at Francis. Apparently still sore about the eating healthy
comment."Again with Russia?" Arthur began slicing his steak into
smaller pieces. "Alfred I know you don't like him much, but you can't
just go blaming him. You as well supplied a lot of your old equipment to
other countries, maybe you did it without knowing" Alfred just sulked
and Francis began scooping more stuffing onto his plate."But
either way they may have weapons, and it's going to be a problem for
when they start trying to express themselves to the world" Alfred
finally breaking out of his sulking moment and began to finish his fifth
burger.

Not only is the dialogue mind-numbingly asinine and OOC, but it also gives the readers information that we really could have used in the first two Goddamned chapters.

Quote :
Francis was wolfing down the turkey stuffing like a fat kid with a
slurpy,

Ahhhhh fat-bashing. No bad fanfic would be complete without it.

The phone rings, and Canada answers N. Italy's panicked phone call with an equal amount of freaking-out and screaming.

Quote :
"Hurry HURRY MORE THUGS HAVE JUST SHOWN UP!"

Wait, what, MORE goons?! Jesus, there were over two-hundred of them at the start; do they really need another couple hundred to deal with a group of less than ten people?

Quote :
"What Happened!" Arthur asked as the group dashed down the hall way
towards the stairs.

I Don't Know Why Are You Talking Like This?!

Quote :
"Where probably going to need more help" Alfred glanced out a
window where could barely make out Hong Kong's house."Agreed,
anyone have a friend or ally nearby that can help us?" Arthur asked."Russia
may be able to lend a hand" Matthew said pulling out his cell phone and
dialled Russia's cell number.

WAIT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING CALL THE POLICE

Quote :
"What's this his cells not on""Ah, I should have figured"
Francis for the first time didn't seem in the mood to wink. "Belarus
told me she was going to take him out for dinner and smashed his cell so
not to get interrupted"."You have got to be joking" Arthur
responded not losing his pace."Wish I was, Belarus did it in
front of me, she wanted to have me stop anyone who would bother them;
Specifically you America"

Sooooo let me get this straight. Yaoi is bad, but incest is just fine and dandy?

Ooookkkkkkkaaaayyy... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :
"I'll come as well, Belarus I need to contact anyone you can find and
tell them to help as well" Russia turned back to Canada. "Where are
they?"

Oh my God just call the fucking police already!!

So with that act of dumbassery chapter three ends. Onward to chapter four, which is (ironically) titled "Where's the help?" Well, I don't know, but if the author had actually written characters with at least two brain-cells to rub together help would have already arrive in the form of riot squads with tear gas and tasers.

We begin with N. Italy running into a warehouse and dealing with goons "Scooby Doo" style, which includes inane traps and idiotic sound effects (seriously, "BONG!"?). Along the way N. Italy descends even further into the realm of unrecognizable by suddenly becoming competent at fighting and survival!

Quote :
But as Italy swung his arms for momentum he felt a sharp pain in his
left arm. Italy turned his head not slowing down to see a small shard
of glass in his triceps', quickly pulling it out knowing the danger of
keeping glass in a muscle and moving it extensively, a lesson he learned
when Japan was teaching him, Romano, and Germany some Japanese martial
arts."A blade stabbed inside you will clog the wound
preventing bleeding, removing it wouldn't be a wise idea. If you can
fight without endangering yourself then keep it in. If however if it's a
much frailer object say glass if you move your muscle extensively the
glass could break apart in your muscle and further shred you apart. But
however only remove such an object if you need to move a lot, there are
many risks of removing such objects from your body"

Quote :
Thump!"What the!" Italy opened his eyes and saw that he
successfully stopped the swing, the thugs wrist landed squarely in the V
his arms made as he brought his arms up to defend himself. Suddenly
Italy felt his whole body move, his right hand grabbed the man's wrist
and with strength that Italy didn't know he had pulled the thug towards
him. Italy didn't stop himself as he let his body just react, continuing
to pull the thug towards him Italy's left hand grabbed the man's
collar, using his forward momentum Italy bent his knees, and with his
right hand holding onto the thug's wrist, his left hand holding onto his
collar, Italy bent forward and could feel the man beginning to fly over
him. Italy still didn't stop himself as he let go of the man sending
him flying over his shoulder, and slammed the thug into the ground."What
was that?" Italy asked as he brought both hands in front of his face,
suddenly he remembered his lesson's with Japan."This art is
called Judo, if used correctly you can successfully throw an opponent
over your shoulder and slam him into the ground, and he won't get back
up." Japan walked up to Italy. "First I'll demonstrate, Italy I want you
to stick your arm out as if you were throwing a punch at me." Italy did
as he was told, and Japan grabbed his wrist. "First you grab the wrist,
and pull forward" Japan instructed acting as he spoke. "Then when
you've pulled them in far enough, grab anything you can hold onto
preferably on your opponents upper body. Then when you have that, turn
around, bend forward, and with momentum pull your opponent over your
shoulder" Japan explained as he brought Italy gently over his shoulder
and gently dropped him on the ground. "Normally you would let go of your
opponent and let them fly, but however we are going to not do that for
safety reasons, Germany, you and Italy are going to practice this on
each other" Japan said, Germany stepped up, and began practicing with
Italy.

Uh, wait, what? ::universe implodes::

Seriously, author? This is Italy. He can't even tie his own damn shoelaces without Germany's help, let alone be skilled at any kind of warfare whatsoever. Now I can believe him, in such a situation, being able to do rudimentary self-defense in the form of running away and throwing things at goons. But Judo? If any heavily-armed thug ever hit him or confronted him the only skilled move he would be pulling off is waving his white flag back and forth while sobbing in terror.

I mean, how in the ever-loving fuck do you screw up such a central aspect of N. Italy's character?!

Anyway, the moral of the story is that the chase sequence goes on way too damn long and I'm almost freaking relieved when another awkward transition takes me back to the Asian countries, Germany, and S. Italy.

Quote :
Japan looked around catching sight of Romano on the far end of the
street being held in a choke hold, Germany managed to get to Romano and
punched the thug off Romano.

Wow, S. Italy turned out to be a useless liability! Perhaps the author won't completely fuck up all of the characterizations after all!

Quote :
"But theoretically if they catch us they could subdue our countries,
provided once they break our will."

Um, S. Korea? I doubt ninety-nine percent of the people in your respective countries even know that you all exist.

Quote :
"Knowing you Yun Soo-san, that is a next to impossible task" Japan
commented dodging a swing from a broad sword."Hahaha, I bet they
wouldn't be able to break you either Kiku" Korea returned the
compliment.

Quuuueeeee the dude-bro laugh track!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

(Please save me. Someone. Anyone.)

Quote :
With the two thug leaders.

What? They have leaders?

Quote :
"I've had enough, about time we got involved." The man in the unfamiliar
Chinese military uniform said, as he began unbuttoning his parka.

OMG. Does anyone else have the amusing image of that guy from the first Kizuna OAV unbuttoning his shirt dramatically in the middle of a sword fight? Good job, author; you made me laugh--albeit unintentionally.

So China realizes that OMG, ALL OF THE ENEMY UNIFORMS ARE RED. Which I'm sure will have some significance later, probably in the stupid group's name, but right now all it makes me want to do is scream at the author to get a fucking move on it, already!

Blahblahblah, fighting, blahblahblah, losing, blahblahblah one of the female nations, Taiwan, gets her ass kicked before all the others, as is appropriate for her gender, dont'cha know. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :
"I'm surprised you didn't fly like your pathetic sister" The Korean
wasn't going to let up the mocking, which was evident to Thailand."My
sister isn't pathetic, I'm just that much stronger than her"

Get it? Because she's a GGGGIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLL.

(::spits her aggressive, weightlifting, female, feminist blood in absolute fucking ire:Smile

Quote :
The man brought up his right leg again aiming for Taiwan's head.Taiwan
was in tears of fright. "HELP ME!" Taiwan cringed knowing what was
going to happen.
AKFHDASKFJKALDFJALSKJFLASDKJGKJASLFD GOD. GOD DAMN IT, AUTHOR.

So the guys save the girl (barf) and they alternate between participating in badly-orchestrated fight sequences to spattering dialogue back and forth at each other. AND EVERYONE LEARNS A LESSON...SOMEHOW.
So, what will happen next? Will the characters finally regain their brains? Will the Asian countries win, or will they be vanquished by the evil red-shirt army? Does anyone even give a damn?! Find out soon, and remember, bring your own brain cells!
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Spotts1701
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PostSubject: Re: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   Fri May 21, 2010 8:49 pm

Hadiya Tannous wrote:
Sooooo let me get this straight. Yaoi is bad, but incest is just fine and dandy?

Somehow, I am not surprised by this. You'd think at some point the concept would fade away, but much like a 7-11 burrito it just keeps coming back on ya.

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Hadiya Tannous

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Join date : 2010-05-01
Location : Anywhere I can read, learn, live, laugh, imagine, and love.

PostSubject: Re: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   Sat May 22, 2010 11:18 pm

Spotts1701 wrote:
Hadiya Tannous wrote:
Sooooo let me get this straight. Yaoi is bad, but incest is just fine and dandy?

Somehow, I am not surprised by this. You'd think at some point the concept would fade away, but much like a 7-11 burrito it just keeps coming back on ya.

Excellent analogy there, Spotts. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Sadly, while this is (for some reason) the first time I have ever encountered this particular double standard, I doubt it will go away all that easily. It seems that to some people ANYTHING is better than teh GHEINESS. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Oh God, I don't know why I keep doing this to myself, but here are the next couple chapters of the EXCITING THRILL RIDE that is "Brothers of Asia".

(Spoiler: It gets worse, even though that seems impossible at this early stage.)

ON THE LAST, EXCITING INSTALLMENT: The nation-tans couldn't think their way out of a paper bag, girls suck because they're wimps, and N. Italy's been replaced with a pod person.

Chapter five is titled " Utter Defeat". Who's defeat at this point is anybody's guess, but seeing as the Asian nations were getting the proverbial stuffing pounded out of them last chapter, I'm thinking the red shirts might be the triumphant party here.

"Utter Defeat" commences with the Allies finally arriving at the uber battle, which obviously took them forever seeing as they're walking instead of doing sensible things such as driving cars or calling the police.

Quote :
"You Guys Managed To Catch Up!" Alfred yelled behind him as Russia
and Canada finally managed to catch up."Any Better Idea As To
Their Whereabouts?" Russia asked.

Why The Fuck Are You Still Talking Like This?! This Does Not Make The Situation Seem Drastic, Author--It Simply Makes You Look Like An Idiot.

Quote :
"No, But we did hear sounds coming from over there" Arthur
pointed in a direction where everyone managed to see a factory. Indeed,
every one of them managed to hear some sounds of fighting roughly a few
blocks away, Alfred guessed that the fight broke up into two different
groups."It sounds like their fighting, in two different groups"
Alfred trying his best to maintain the lead.

:: is slammed on the forehead by the redundancy anvil of redundancy::

Quote :
"Where did Japan go?" Romano asked Germany, as the two of them went
back to back."No idea, they disappeared around that corner"
Germany pointed towards a intersection of roads.

Germany: "Goddamnit, Japan, don't you dare escape from the fanfic without us!"

Quote :
"Ha! Italy caught? Not gonna happen" Germany said as he watched
roughly fifty thugs encircle them. "That Italy, he wouldn't get caught,
not as long as he imagines his chasers to be the English army""Hahaha,
That is true"

Wow, yet ANOTHER funny moment from the series mutilated beyond humor by the author. Gee, what a surprise. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :
"GERMANY!" Romano, and Germany looked to their left where the
factory stood in the background."ITALY!" both Germany and Romano
cried relieved to see their brother/friend safe, and well relatively
unharmed.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

What, what? "Friend"?! Oh dear Lord--you know what, author? Germany and Italy are canonically GAY FOR EACH OTHER. Seriously, there is no FUCKING WAY that ANYONE with an IQ above ten is buying your yaoi-dodge here! I mean, just friends? They are GAY FOR EACH OTHER! They were CHILDHOOD SWEETHEARTS (depending on if you buy into the HRE-conspiracy theories). GERMANY EVEN PROPOSED TO ITALY, AND NOW YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL ME THAT THEY'RE JUST FRIENDS?! WHAT FUCKING SERIES HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING?! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
::pants heavily before straightening::

Okay...I feel better now.

Quote :
"What! How did he escape the others?" One thug asked out loud."Yeah,
how did he? I figured he would have been hiding." Romano turned his
head to Germany."Me, too""Oh well, get him anyway" a thug
cried and at that one thug turned at approached Italy.

Fortunately the goons have the typical goon intelligence level of an articulate Kindergartner, so the brainless pod people impersonating the countries still have a fighting chance!

N. Italy's quickly cornered by the goons so Romano and Germany pull of some stupid maneuver I could give two shits about and get him back. They tell N. Italy to go for help and he's all "NOOOOO I WON'T LEAVE YOU BROTHER AND BEST FRIEND I'M TOTALLY NOT ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM" and acts slightly out of character (though, in this case I'm not sure; after all, it is his brother and Germany on the line).

The seen quickly segues to Japan and China fighting the head goon and losing spectacularly.

Quote :
"We have to try something different" China said, diverting his gaze
towards Japan. "Any ideas?""None" Japan answered.Back
to Italy, Germany, and Romano

Well wasn't that whole scene totally necessary and vital to the development of the plot. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :
"I SAID ENOUGH!" Italy yelled grabbing the man's hand, and pulled him
forward. 'Pull him forward' Italy instructed himself. 'Once close enough
grab onto his upper body' Italy continued to instruct himself as he
grabbed the thug's collar. 'And with the already forward momentum' Italy
continued, twisting his body, so his back was now to the thug. "LET
HIM FLY!" Italy yelled as he threw the thug over his shoulder. The thug
hit the ground hard, the thug bounced and landed firmly on the ground.
Italy stood there, he was shocked at what he had just done. He performed
a second throw perfectly, and this time, he knew how he did it.

WHKLASJDFAHSDGAEIOQJWANFSKLADAFKSJ WWWHHHHAAAAAAAA--?!

::head explodes::

Quote :
"Why You!" Italy turned upon hearing the angry voice of the thug. But
as he turned Italy felt a strong punch connect with his gut. He doubled
over; he could no longer feel his stomach, his vision temporarily
blurred. He collapsed to his knees clutching his gut, Italy struggled to
bring his head up, the same thug that punched him, was now raising a
club. Italy knew he couldn't dodge it, he couldn't block it, Italy
watched as the thug brought the club down.With Japan and China

OMG AUTHOR YOU ARE, LIEK, DA TOTES MASTER OF SUSPENSE!!!11omg!

So all of the Asian countries aside from China and Japan are now beaten to the point of being pretty much ineffective (though Vietnam is one of the last fighters active, so at least the author doesn't think that ALL chicks are wuss-bags), so the evil goons begin to throw them in a truck (?!) while China tries to reach them and Japan grapples (literally) with the Big Boss (tm).

Meanwhile, with the others, the cavalry has arrived (finally)!

Quote :
With Germany, Italy, and RomanoSMACK!Italy
looked on in shock as the man swinging the club was punched away by a
leather clad fist."Not To Worry The Hero Is Here!" Italy turned
his head to see America striking a dramatic pose.

WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU PEOPLE BEEN

Quote :
"I-I-It's the allies" a thug stepped back frightened.

Huh. At least the thugs didn't skimp on their World History classes.

Quote :
Germany quickly got to his feet, he limped over to Italy. "You
alright?" Germany asked helping his friend to his feet."I'll be
fine, doesn't hurt as much when you hit me in the head with your gun"
Italy said remembering when he and Germany first met."Ha, I bet
that did hurt, let's get to Romano" Germany helped Italy over to his
brother.

OKAY, AUTHOR, YOU CAN STOP REFERENCING FUNNY MOMENTS FROM THE SERIES NOW. SERIOUSLY, IT'S NOT WORKING IN YOUR FAVOR, HERE.

Quote :
BANG!

And the fanfic exploded. The end.

Quote :
"What was that?" Alfred said turning his head towards the direction
of the sound, which seemed to come from two streets over to the right.

Goddamn, describing this battle is beginning to bear a striking resemblance to the Hokey Pokey and Cha-Cha Slide's love child.

Blah blah blah, all of the Asian nations save China and Japan get thrown on the truck, and when China tries to save them he gets shot in the leg. Seriously, though, why didn't the goons use guns before? It would have been far more efficient and would have saved me three chapters of mind-numbing fight scenes no one could give a shit about.

Quote :
"Boss!" A thug ran up to the Chinese fighter."What now?" the
man lowered his pistol and glared at the thug."It's the allies
sir" the Chinese man's eyes filled with fear. "That Italian nitwit
apparently contacted America and his friends" the Chinese fighter looked
back at China who was no longer looking at him, but was focusing on his
wounded leg. "What should we do now sir?""Get the others on the
truck, that Japanese prick will be dead soon anyway, I'll deal with
China" the man walked towards China. China looked back at the truck
where he saw Hong Kong being thrown onto the truck. "Your next China"
the man let out a sneer when mentioning China's name. The man lifted his
gun and aimed at China's head and "UGH!" The man flew when Russia
seemingly appearing out of nowhere, slammed himself into the Chinese
fighter."AH! IT'S RUSSIA!" the thugs scrambled to get onto the
truck.

" ZOINKS! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE SCOOBY!!"

(If there's not a corny de-masking scene at the end of this fanfic I will be extremely disappointed.)

So anyway, the Mystery Machine--I mean, truck leaves with the rest of the goons (damn, all of the goons? Is it a semi?) and China has a big dramatic Heroic Blue Screen of Death moment.

Quote :
Tears streamed down China's face as the truck turned a corner
and out of sight. "NNOOOOOOOO!" China cried slamming his fist into the
ground.

No bad fanfic is complete without a dramatic no, I tell you.

So the Asian nations have been kidnapped, China's been shot in the leg, and Japan in mortally wounded. What would you call this experience, kids?

Quote :
"I-I-I failed" China sobbed."We all did China, we all did"
Russia said trying his best to make sure he doesn't hurt China more as
he checked for further injuries."An utter defeat" France said
through gritted teeth.

BOOYAH, WE HAVE TITLE!

So onto the next chapter, titled "On the Run". From the pissed off Germany/Italy fans, I hope.

So China has some dramatic angsty dream that's essentially the embodiment of every single run of the mill dramatic angsty ever where you envision the ones that you failed calling out for you and fading away (real creative, author). He wakes up in a hospital room with the rest of the Allies and more blah blah blah promptly commences.

Quote :
"He took a shot to the gut" America began explaining. "The bullet
entered his abdominal area, nicked several organs, and punched back
through the other side, in other words a through and through. He's
stable, but with the loss of blood, contributing to the lack of oxygen,
and energy to his body, has forced him into a coma." China felt his
stomach drop. "He still could wake, but however, that's all up to him at
this point""Meaning, it's possible for him to stay in the coma
permanently?" China asked his stomach now feeling down to his toes."...Yes..."
America answered hesitantly. "But had we not arrived, he would have
been dead for sure"

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Oh please, Author. Only a three-year-old would actually believe you're going to kill off one of the main characters of your fanfic with a gazillion more chapters to go.

Quote :
"Glad, to see you're awake, China" Switzerland walked through the door,
Lichtenstein right behind him. Lithuania, Sweden, Finland, France,
Germany, Italy, Romano, Belarus, Austria, and Hungary soon followed.

AND A PAAARRRTRRRIIIGEEE IN A PEAR TRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEE!!

Quote :
"When did you guys get here?" China asked realizing how many people
were now quietly stepping inside the hospital room."Belarus did a
good job getting others to try and help, shame they were too late"

I'm beginning to sense a running trend in this fanfic...

So, long story short, all of the nations are a little freaked out at the kidnapping so they're getting the hell out of dodge as soon as possible, taking China and a comatose Japan with them. The author tries to do some lame humor involving Russia and oh dear Christ can we move along, please?!

Quote :
Arthur continued to follow the doctor up to the front desk which is a
more crowded area, giving Arthur an easier time to get closer to the
man without being detected. "I'll be outside for a few minutes" Arthur
looked around spotting a newspaper beside him, he picked up the paper,
and followed the man outside. It wasn't the greatest cover, Arthur knew
that, but he didn't have much of a choice he needed to be sure. Leaving
the sixteenth floor out of the twenty levels in the hospital, Arthur
followed, and the man stopped just outside, the doctor hid behind a thin
concrete ledge, Arthur saw opportunity to get close enough to hear what
the man is doing, and saying. Arthur heard a beep from a phone."Hello"
Arthur leaned closer to the edge to hear better. "Yes, it's
me...Yeah...No, they don't know...Their injured...Several others...Bring
as many as you can...Take both China, and Japan alive, they will meet
their family soon enough...Yes, kill the others *beep*" Arthur heard
enough. He listened as the doctor stepped around the corner, Arthur
stepped around forcing the doctor to face him.

DUN DUN DDDUUUUUUNNNN!

Quote :
"By the way you describe it, it sounds like you holding the gun could
mean, you feel some guilt to little Kiku's condition" France."What's
that supposed to mean?" China asked.

France: Lover by day, occult shaman dream doctor by night.

Obviously the shit's about to hit the fan, so our *cough* intrepid heroes need to make a run for it.

Quote :
"Why don't we just call security?" Sweden grabbed the phone. "What?
I'm not getting a dial tone.""Here! Let me see" Finland took the
phone. "It's off line""Well, maybe the hospital phones are down"
Alfred took out his cell, turning it on."You shouldn't turn on
your phone in a hospital little Alfred." France stuck the rose in his
mouth not the least bit worried. Alfred glared."I'm got getting a
reception" Alfred said slightly shocked."Maybe your phone is
just faulty" France took out his own phone. But as he turned it on the
rose fell from his mouth. "I'm not getting a signal either""Odd"
Matthew just put his phone in his pocket. "Could communications have
been cut""How's that possible, all the networks, and towers would
need to be shut down. Either the entire network is malfunctioning at
the same time, or these Conspirators have their influence in more than
we thought" Switzerland looked out the door, checking to see what is
going on, as panicked tones where becoming more evident in the hallways.

So let me get this straight, the red-shirt army is so damn powerful they've shut down all phone communications in Hong Kong?!

Um, yeah, okay. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

(By the way, major LULZ at Sweden and Finland being included toether in an anti-yaoi fanfic. I mean, seriously, author? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] )

Quote :
"Austria" Switzerland turned to said country. "Take Lichtenstein,
Belarus, and Hungary away. Get them out of the country safely, can you
do that?" Switzerland passed Lichtenstein over to Austria. Hungary
already beside him.

Remember, kids: If you're a girl that means you're automatically useless in every situation ever!!!!111 ::shojou sparkles::

Quote :
BLARE! BLARE!An alarm sounded, in the hallway.

MARVEL at the author's DEFT use of sound effects!

Quote :
"Level 18 keep going" Francis cried. Russia, and Switzerland
now caught up.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] How big IS this hospital?!

Quote :
"Which Way Did They Go!" Russia looked over the edge to see several
other armed Asian men coming from the 14th floor. Russia pulled out the
AK on his shoulder and aimed it at the men below them. Not firing hoping
that they could keep out of sight a little longer but. "There They
Are!" Russia fired his gun, forcing the attackers to take cover.

ASHDFKLASJDKLADJSLF STOP THAT!

Blah blah blah, running, blah blah blah, fighting, blah blah blah, guns and uber violence, blah blah blah, helicopter on the roof.

Quote :
."Not good" Alfred said shooting at the opening as four
attackers rounded the corner only to be chopped down by Alfred's
gunfire. "Go!" Four feet from the door, Russia, Francis, and Switzerland
dashed for the door, while Alfred kept their backs covered. Once three
of the four nations were through, Russia raised his assault rifle aiming
past Alfred towards the end of the hall.

GET TO DA CHOPPER! ::is shot::

As the fic goes on the author begins to put a striking amount of knowledge and detail into anything that has to do with the military, from guns to transport vehicles, which makes me believe that the author is either a man or a woman who's not afraid to break stereotypes. If it is a man, I must say that while men in the Hetalia fandom always make me happy, I can't help but wish this particular fan came with actual writing ability and tolerance for homosexuality.

Oh well, I can dream.

The Keystone Kops manage to escape the hospital in their military helicopter, and the chapter ends with this shining bit of humor:

Quote :
Unbeknownst to them Alfred heard this and smiled his biggest
smile. Germany looked over noticing Alfred's smile being almost bigger
that what you would think one could sustain with a small mouth."Why
are you smiling? And how do you get your mouth that big?" Germany asked
slightly disgusted."WHO ASKED YOU!" Alfred cried quickly
ditching the smile.

...I'm starting to think the author is trying intentionally to be the least funny person in the universe.

And so another installment of "Brothers of Asia" ends with a whimper! Tune in next time for more lame action scenes, a reference to a Fray song, snowboarding, and deus ex machinas up the wazoo! Till then keep sane and take your daily bleach!
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bleachedblackcat
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Join date : 2009-06-11

PostSubject: Re: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   Mon May 24, 2010 7:27 pm

Is it wrong that I started hoping that this would somehow become a cross between Hetalia and one of those horrible alien movies?
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littledorrit
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PostSubject: Re: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   Tue May 25, 2010 9:32 am

[quote=Hadiya Tannous]
Quote :
BANG!

And the fanfic exploded. The end.[/quote]

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :
"Glad, to see you're awake, China" Switzerland walked through the door,
Lichtenstein right behind him. Lithuania, Sweden, Finland, France,
Germany, Italy, Romano, Belarus, Austria, and Hungary soon followed.

AND A PAAARRRTRRRIIIGEEE IN A PEAR TRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEE!![/quote]

I LOL'd. I really, really LOL'd.

Even though I have only casually watched Hetalia, I am appalled (and amused) by the author's attempt to remove the gay subtext from the series. The fic isn't even successful in that, though; Germany and Italy still seem like a couple ("you hit me over the head with your gun!").
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Jesus.
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PostSubject: Re: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   Tue May 25, 2010 10:47 am

saeku wrote:
myeerah wrote:
SlyChild wrote:
Holy fuck, saeku, what is that in your avatar? That's one of the coolest things I've ever seen. WHAT IS IT I MUST KNOW

Mindflayer?

No (although I love and write about mind flayers.) It's from this blog.
Those pictures are so amazingly and gorgeously grotesque i can't eat and look at them. Well done to the artist.
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Hadiya Tannous

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PostSubject: Re: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   Sun May 30, 2010 11:42 pm

Aaaannnnnnndddd we're back with the next two chapters.

What happened in the last installment? Well the plot finally got a move
on when the fight ended after four freaking chapters and all of the
Asian countries save for China and Japan were kidnapped by the evil red
shirt army. Japan's in a coma, the evil red shirts are incomprehensibly
everywhere, everyone's in a helicopter, shit's hit the fan, and all of
the nation-tans are still friggin morons.

With that brief recap, onward Christian
soldiers!

Chapter seven is titled "You Called Me". I know the title is
slightly different than the name of the song, but does anyone else now
hear The Fray echoing annoyingly in the back of your mind?

Quote :

Darkness. That's all he saw, Kiku just stood in utter darkness
not even able to see the very ground he stood on. Japan didn't even
attempt to look around, or find out what he was doing there, bearing the
feeling of absolute defeat, death, and failure weighed on his
shoulders. Though not completely aware of what he was feeling so down
about, all he knew is that he failed, and he felt this feeling before.
The feeling of failure, and regret that weighed on his shoulders since
his fight with his brothers, and since he betrayed his family. Kiku
stared into the deep abyss of darkness, not even caring for the wet red
stain of blood from his abdomen, staining his would-have-been white Navy
uniform.

CCCCRRRAAAAWWWLLLIINNNGG IINNNNNNN MY SKKKKIIIIIIIINNNNNNNN, THESE
WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEEEAAAAALLLL...!!

Quote :
Beep-beep, beep-beep

Hopefully someone else is as fed up with the fic as I am and has
strapped a time-bomb to it.

Quote :
China fought back tears watching his brother Japan, strapped to
the bed
fighting for his life, in a coma from the loss of blood, and body
temperature
[bolding mine]

Wait...whhhaaattt? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] How, exactly, unless one is extremely
overheated or in hypothermia, does one fall into a coma from a loss
of body temperature
?

So, massive medical knowledge fail aside, our valiant morons are on
their way to the airport to escape Hong Kong. Unfortunately, in the
process, the author treats us to (more) lame humor.

Quote :

"But the street is so crowded that the attackers wouldn't be
able to follow" Alfred replied giving the chopper a sharp turn to the
right. Everyone in the back except Japan swayed in their seats, or were
thrown back on their butts.
"AMERICA, WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO FLY!"
Switzerland yelled.
"Don't make me come up there da" Russia
emitting his evil aura.
"That hurt" Italy began rubbing his
backside soothingly.
"Ah, couldn't do without hurting everyone
brother?" Matthew got off Italy and sat up straight.
"Sorry"
Alfred apologized sheepishly smiling.

HAHAHA! HAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...Ha.

Quote :
"IDIOT!" SMACK, the leader punched his subordinate.

The author was the top student at David Gonterman's Academy of Sound
Effects.

Quote :
"Master Komar?" Austria whispered to himself, catching a glimpse
at the
group leader over his newspaper, as he entered the car. "Guess it's time
to go" Austria turned away and walked down the opposite street.

So even though he was told to take all of teh wimminz out of Hong
Kong, Austria's still putzing around in enemy territory, making himself
and all of the other countries in his companionship vulnerable targets
for teh eval onez. Great going, dumbass.

So the goons realize the main characters are headed to the airport and
quickly commence Chinese fire-drilling their way over there. Austria
returns to his car (which, for some ungodly reason, is a Trailblazer
with tinted windows) where all of the female cast, Sweden, and Finland
are waiting for him and they proceed to vamoose.

Quote :

"Just obey traffic laws Sweden" Finland rose from behind Sweden's
seat. "I'd hate to crash, and get pulled into prison when we're trying
to get away"
"Alright" Sweden said calmly. Austria couldn't help
but gape at Sweden just listening to Finland without hesitation.

BUT SWEDEN AND FINLAND ARE TOTALLY NOT GAY FOR EACH OTHER EVEN THOUGH
THEY'RE IN A NEAR CANONICAL HOMOSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP AND ARE LIVING
TOGETHER WITH A DOG AND ADOPTED CHILD AND SWEDEN CALLS FINLAND HIS WIFE
ALL THE TIME, AM I RIGHT GUYS?!

::shoots self::

Quote :
Back to ze choppa!

Stop stealing my riffs, author. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :

"CRAP!" TINK! Alfred yelled as the sound of a bullet
bounced off the side of the chopper.

Okay, did America say tink, or is that the sound effect of the bullet?
And if it is, why is he swearing before the bullet hits the chopper? Is
he psychic or does he simply have Tourette's?

So teh eval ones begin to fire on the chopper with bullets and
RPGs while China continues to wangst at Japan's bedside.

Quote :

China couldn't hear a thing, his whole attention was on Japan,
tears
welling up in his eyes, Japan's body rocked with the shaking of the
plane. China turned his gaze to the heart monitor, every time the
chopper jolted violently Japan's heart stopped briefly before returning
to its original beat. China grew worried, he released a hand from the
side bars of the bed, and reached for Japan's right hand, he tightly
held his brother's right hand, which hung from his hand, not responding
to China's grasp. China felt a tear make its way to his chin, and from
there dropped onto Japan's hand.
"Rain?" Japan looked at his
hand were he saw a small drop of water. "Rain in this blackness?" Japan
looked up, still seeing nothing but the everlasting dark.



FEEEARRR IS HOWWWW I FAAAAALLLLLL, CONFUSING WHAT IS
REEEEEAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLL...!!

Quote :

"Missed again" a man standing out the sun roof said to himself.
Squatting back into the car, he turned to the man next to him. "Another"
"Make
sure you don't miss, these Remote Override RPG's are hard to make" the
man next to the shooter handed another seemingly modified RPG to the
shooter.
"Remote Override?" the driver asked out loud.
"Yes,
it attaches to the chopper and emits signals that override the steering
system of the aircraft, we will force them to land." The man answered,
as the shooter returned to his position.

Ah, a random convenient plot device! You know, I think I'm just going to
start up a Deus Ex Machina count right now, because I have a feeling
we'll be needing it desperately in the chapters to come.

Deus Ex Machina(s): 1

Quote :

Back in the air

I swear to God, making fun of this author's scene transitions will never
get old.

So flying flying flying as RPGs narrowly miss the helicopter as is
scrapes across building and OH NOEZ, DISASTER STRIKES!

Quote :
Beep..beep...bbbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-. Japan flat lined.

DUN DUN DDDUUUUUUUNNNNNN.

Of course, China must have his dramatic "NOOOOOOOOO" moment.

Quote :

China looked horrified at his brother. 'No, no' China pleaded
hoping
that his eyes and ears where playing a cruel joke with him. China
scrambled to the bed, regaining his grip on the side rails, and with his
free hand brought his hand to Japan's face. "NO JAPAN!" China cried.
Everyone took a look at Japan, his heart rate monitor flat lined. Japan
is dead.



Least dramatic death scene ever.


Quote :

China looked horrified at his brother. 'No, no' China pleaded
hoping
that his eyes and ears where playing a cruel joke with him. China
scrambled to the bed, regaining his grip on the side rails, and with his
free hand brought his hand to Japan's face. "NO JAPAN!" China cried.
Everyone took a look at Japan, his heart rate monitor flat lined. Japan
is dead.
"Am I dead?" Japan felt himself go cold, he looked at
his hands by the moment turning paler. "How did I die?" Japan continued
to look at his hands, as they slowly began to fade away, slowly but
surely he was disappearing. "It's probably best this way" Japan dropped
to his knees, as his toes, as hands though still visible slowly grew
more transparent.



Christ, even in death he won't shut the fuck up.


And now it's time for our favorite game--spot the annoying capital
letters at the beginning of every word of dialogue!


Quote :

"There's The Airport!" Germany pointed at the huge complex sporting
a
large radio tower, several runways, and Terminals.
"Alright,
Let's Land" Alfred guessed that he lost if not a few of his landing
gears, he lost all of them, judging by the impact he had with the
building. "Opening the rear ramp" Alfred pulled a lever, and the rear of
the chopper slowly opened. Matthew picking up his rifle, glanced out
the back, looking for any pursuers.
"No Pursuers Yet Bro!" Matthew
cried up to Alfred.
"Let's Not Assume, That They're Far Away!"
Alfred responded now with the rear ramp down, he now had to compete with
the roaring of the rotors.
"What About Japan?" Germany looked
back at a sobbing China hugging his deceased brother.
"Where Not
Leaving Even His Body Behind For Those Bastards!" Alfred cried, he heard
a faint sound on the radio. "The Radios Work"
"Not Surprising"
Arthur spoke up managing to get himself untangled from the corner. "They
Work On Different Frequencies Than Phones"


You know, the author probably could have taken all of the energy
they spent to Type Their Sentences Like This to clean up the BP oil
spill or cure cancer or something.


Quote :
"Alfred Jones? Aren't you the American at the UN meeting?"
the man on
the radio responded back.


FKADSLGHASLKFJALNALDKFJASKLDFJAS FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME THEY ARE
NOT THE GODDAMNED UN!!


So they manage to fail!land the plan and violently harass some poor
bastard into giving them their cart (which, amazingly, is large enough
to transport around a dozen people) and eventually make their way to
their plane to take off, hopefully signaling the end to the first part
of this shitty story arc.


The evil dudes follow and manage to use their Deus Ex Machina to
stop the plane, but wait! It's only a decoy! HOORAY, OUR HEROES ARE
SAFE, MEANING THE STORY CAN CONTINU--oh wait, that's...not a good
thing. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]



Quote :

One minute earlier On the real plane


Gee, thanks for the clarification, dipstick. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]


Quote :

"Don't leave brother" China pleaded not removing his head from
Japan's shoulder. "Please come back". China's pleas was being heard by
the other nations, who couldn't think of anything to say, they succeeded
in saving China, but Japan was too weak to survive the getaway. Alfred
couldn't help but shed a few tears of his own, he was supposed to be the
hero, and his flying is what did Japan in. "Don't leave me alone, I
don't want to be alone" China continued to sob. "Don't go where I can't
find you, don't go where I can't be with you".


ABSOLUTELY NOT GAY.


But wait! After another inspirational dream sequence Japan comes
back to life! And with absolutely no brain damage from the prolonged
period of time he spent without oxygen! HOORAY, IT'S A CHRISTMAS
MIRACLE!!


[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]


Quote :

"Y-you called...me" Japan said weakly. China couldn't stop himself,

he let go of Japan's hand, and hugged Japan, leaking tears of joy.
"I
did brother...I did" China couldn't stop, Japan returned the hug, and
the others began cheering.


:: is brained with the Anvil of Title Significance::


Quote :

"How many times to I have to tell you Kiku...Call me Yao"
China returned to hugging Japan.
"Thank-you Yao" Japan returned
the hug.


REMEMBER: NOT. GAY.


Quote :
Aurthor's notes: I almost cried writing that


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Ooookkkkaaayyyy...hey, we're now halfway done with the story! The end of my eternal torment from reviewing this piece of crap is nearly at an end!! Ppparrrrrtttaaayyy!! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

So, chapter eight. "How Are They"? Well, I don't know; how about you tell us? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :
1 year after escape from Hong Kong.

Wait. Wait WHAT? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Well hello there, random insanely long time skip for no apparent reason! How have you been? It's been ages since I've seen you! Have you lost weight?

So, fuck, I don't feel like recapping eight-thousand paragraphs of the pointless dialogue Russia and Canada exchange in the beginning in a cave (?), so I'm just going to paraphrase: the conspirators are fucking everything up in Asia and all of the countries have been either hiding China and Japan or setting up fake decoys for the conspirators to follow. The reason why this process has taken a year is because Japan needed time to recover from his near fatal injuries, and while I appreciate the author trying to drive at a bit of realism here...a whole year? Seriously?

So China and Japan were first in Alaska, but when they were being moved a random plot point struck, which Canada and Russia helpfully inform the audience about in flashback mode.

Quote :
"Remember when we were moving China, and Japan, and Alfred did
something interesting da" Russia leaned back in his chair. Matthew too
remembered what happened very well.FLASHBACK

Not even flashbacks are safe from the suck-ass scene transitions!

Quote :
As he stood there, the group saw something strange about Alfred,
his eyes were glowing red, it was a fait glow, but the group stared in
interest as Alfred braced himself for the oncoming car. As the car drew
closer, Alfred's eyes glowed more intensely, then thick black lines drew
a pattern that looked like wings under each of Alfred's eyes. The
plane's engines roared to life, as the pilot desperately attempted to
get the plane moving and out of the way, but however the group knew that
the plane wouldn't move in time. Matthew however wasn't convinced about
his brother's actions.
"ALFRED GET OUT OF THERE, ARE YOU
CRAZY YOU'LL BE KILLED!" Matthew cried. However Matthew's fears were
unfounded when the car hit Alfred.
Alfred stretched out his
arms where they would land on the bumper of the car, Alfred didn't
flinch as the car drew closer. Matthew was held back from pushing his
brother out of the way by Ivan, Switzerland raised a rifle, and fired
once into the car's windshield, but to their shock, the bullet bounced
right off, the glass was bulletproof. Matthew closed his eyes, as the
car smashed into Alfred.
CRUNCH!Matthew
opened his eyes, and saw something that shocked him and everyone else,
Alfred stood his ground, his hands grabbing the bumper of the car.
Beyond them is what astonished them, the car stopped dead in its tracks,
half the front hood of the car caved in, the driver inside hit his head
on the steering wheel and was unconscious. Everyone's jaw dropped,
Alfred however wasn't done, he repositioned his stance, and with little
resistance lifted the car onto its rear end. With one final push, Alfred
threw the car onto its roof, Russia looked awestruck, Germany's jaw was
on the ground, Italy and Romano were clapping, Switzerland just stared
wide eyed, and Matthew was speechless. No matter how unnaturally strong
his brother was, he wasn't superhuman, and definitely wasn't capable of
stopping a car without taking damage.

Soooooooo America went Super Saiyan?

...

You know what, sure. Whatever.

Deus Ex Machinas: 2

Quote :
"Ah, you're right, maybe we should eh" Matthew and Russia stood, the
gunmen looked both excited and confused. Matthew however as he stood,
stomped on a small switch he had planted in strategic locations around
the cave.Boom! RUMBLE!A small boom was heard, and then the
whole cave shook momentarily, the gunmen lost their balance, and their
aim on the two nations wavered. Matthew took this chance and stomped on a
second switch, and a second later, thick grey smoke filled the cave.

Normally I would scream at the author for this, but Hell, if I were stuck hanging out in a random cave for a year I would probably be bored enough to install random booby traps everywhere.

WARNING: If you are a Hetalia fan, this next scene will make blood seep from your eye sockets. Consider yourselves warned.

Quote :
"Here they are" Matthew stepped up to a large pine tree, and beside
the tree were two long decorated boards. Matthew grabbed a board and
wiped the snow off of it, revealing a rather nice snow board. He
originally had one, but with Russia's arrival got a second one. "Ready
Russia!""I told you already, were friends now, call me Ivan da"
Russia smiled, picking up his board."Alright" Matthew smiled.
"Ready Ivan?"Russia set down the board, and locked his left foot
into the straps. "Ready when you are da" Russia smiled."Let's go"
Matthew smiled back. And both men kicked off the ground sending
themselves down the slope.Matthew is an experienced snowboarder,
he expertly swerved around trees and rocks, jumping off a few naturally
made ramps, and performed a few flips off them. Matthew looked back
momentarily to see Ivan jumping off the same ramp he just went off. 'Not
bad' Matthew thought, slowing himself down to let Ivan catch up. "Not
Bad Ivan, Where Did You Learn?" Matthew asked."I Learned Of The
Sport From You Of Course" Ivan smirked. "I Decided To Learn When I
Figured That I Could Use It To Out Run General Winter!" Ivan replied.
Matthew laughed returning his attention to the slope in front of him."360!"
Matthew yelled jumping of another natural ramp."Oh yeah" Ivan
challenged, he too jumped off a ramp. "Back Scratcher!"Matthew
and Ivan continued performing tricks off any ramps they could find the
rest of the way down the slope.

...

...

WHAT THE FUCK AM I READING?! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :
"Yeah, and it looks like they found you" Alfred pointed back up the
slope, Ivan and Matthew turned to see three figures boarding down the
slope."So they have, hey bro, can I borrow your gun?" Matthew
turned to Alfred."Sure" Alfred pulled a hand gun from his belt,
and tossed it to Matthew."How about this" Matthew turned and
aimed the gun directly at the three pursuers. Matthew swore that time
was slowing down for him as he watched the three pursuers get closer,
lining up his sights with the barrel of the gun Matthew took aim.BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!Matthew let out four shots, Alfred and Ivan
watched as they saw the three men get hit, and the three men toppled
sliding the rest of the way down the slope on either their backs or
their stomachs. Matthew turned back around his eyes glowing a faint red,
and black lines shaping a type of wing lined Matthew's eyes and cheeks."That'll
leave a stain" Matthew smiled menacingly, and turned to look at Alfred
and Ivan who both looked slightly surprised. "That didn't sound like
me." Matthew put a hand loosely over his mouth, Alfred walked up to him.

......

::gives up, kills self::

::revives:

Damn it.

So, anyway, long story short they all meet up, go to Florida, and...do...things that are supposedly important to the plot. We finish off the chapter with some well-placed angst with the characters that were captured and, apparently, have just sat around and twiddles there thumbs for a year.

Quote :
Meanwhile in an unknown locationDrip, drip,
drip, drip
The faint sound of water dripping echoed through a
stone corridor, florescent lights lighting the seemingly endless halls,
guards posted every now and then at entrances and exits. At the end of
the halls, a figure sat on the stone ground, his clothing tattered and
dirty, his white and blue robe stained with a few specks of dirt, mud,
and blood. His hands, and ankles shackled with steel cuffs and chains,
others both male and female sitting next to him were in the same
condition. Korea slowly lifted his head and stared down the seemingly
endless aisles as guards constantly moved around patrolling the area."Where
are you China? Japan?" Korea whispered not willing to let his spirit be
broken after he was taken from home, and refusing to let his country
yield to this force that had taken them hostage."Please come
soon" A girl next to Korea whispered, her pink dress also dirty, and
tattered. Taiwan let a couple tears fall from her eyes as she thought
about Yao and Kiku. "Please be alright"The others huddled
together to comfort each other as they tried to drift off to sleep, a
year of punishment, brutality, and misery not enough to dampen their
spirits, and their hope for their brethren to come with their allies,
and rescue them."Help us brothers" Hong Kong whispered wrapping
his arms around Thailand, and Vietnam as they drifted off into sleep
finding enough comfort within each others arms to soften their spirits
in the darkest days of their lives.

Soooooooo why were they captured instead of killed again? Anyone? Bueller?

So ends the latest installment of Brothers of Asia. Tune in next time for...well...stuff. Badly written stuff and an info dump we could have used BEFORE the time skip! Until then, stay sane!
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littledorrit
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Age : 25
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PostSubject: Re: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   Sun May 30, 2010 11:52 pm

This might be a naive question, but isn't China female in canon?
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Hadiya Tannous

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Location : Anywhere I can read, learn, live, laugh, imagine, and love.

PostSubject: Re: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   Mon May 31, 2010 12:37 am

No, he isn't (surprisingly). Don't feel bad: a lot of the Asian nations look like girls but end up being guys (if you want a real trip, you should google pictures of Hong Kong. O.o).
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Orihime

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Join date : 2009-06-19
Location : In my field of flowers

PostSubject: Re: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   Sun Sep 05, 2010 7:13 am

AHAHAHAHAHA, OH WOW.

Really, what the HELL is this fic? Italy the super powerhouse is bad enough, but the treatment of the Asians and the "removal" of the yaoi are really... "special"

(and rawr I like the Hetalia girls, RAWR why does this author treat them like shit?!, RAWR poor Taiwan) -.-
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Hadiya Tannous

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PostSubject: Re: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   Sun Sep 05, 2010 4:58 pm

Sooo...I know it's been awhile since I've touched upon this fanfic, but really, can you blame me? I'm positive that if you were stuck with the task of reviewing "Brothers of Asia", you wouldn't exactly be clamoring to go back at it any time soon.

Anyway, back at it!

ON THE LAST EPISODE OF "BROTHERS OF ASIA": Melodrama, melodrama, pointless deus ex machinas, WTF??

With that more than adequate summary, let's move onto chapter nine: "Return to China". Hopefully a return to coherency will be ushered in as well.

So the Asian countries that have been kidnapped are summoned to the presence of the majordomo of this whole fiasco. And who else would it be but Mr. Ethnic-Stereotype-Kung-Fu-Movie Man!

Quote :
The group watched as the chair's front turned to face them, in the seat of the chair sat a man. The man looked to be sixty years old, Asian, long white hair covering his head, green eyes glared at them menacingly, a long narrow mouth curved into a smile that seemed to speak volumes of sick pleasure. No matter how old the man was he didn't show it physically, his body was a perfectly built as if he were twenty, a long red robe hung from his shoulders, a large red military jacket, and pants both streamed his figure showing off his physical strength. "I assume you would like to know my name as well?" the man asked still holding that same smile.


Man, the post-Karate Kid years have not been kind to Mr. Miyagi, have they?

Quote :
"And why did you want us?" Taiwan asked

"I want your countries" Komar answered

scratch

Okay, Komar-Stereotype Dude, let's get one thing straight here: the nation-tans are personifications of nations, not the actual nations themselves. True you will most likely have sent the governments of Taiwan, Hong Kong, Thailand, and South Korea into a tizzy by capturing them, but that in no way, shape, or form gives you any right to their respective nations and land-masses. It would be like trying to take over the McDonalds corporation by kidnapping Ronald McDonald, or to corner the tire market by abducting the Michelin Man. There is no way, shape, or form that this plan would work in any reality-based situation at all. EVER.

(Of course, this is fanfic, so we all know it's set in the negative zero universe anyways.)

Quote :
"I want your countries" Komar answered. "I want to unite the Asian countries, and then move onto my ultimate goal"

"Which would be what?" Thailand asked.

"To be immortal" Komar answered. "I want to live forever, as the greatest leader the world will ever know"

"Idiot" Korea insulted. Komar looked annoyed. "You don't need us to be immortal, so why are you trying to rule Asia?" Korea asked.

Damn, even the characters themselves are calling out Stereotype Man on the ridiculous stupidity of his Xanatos Gambit!

Of course, there's a more sinister edge to this plot. Something eeeeeevvvvviiiiiiilllllll...

Quote :
"Because you all have something I need" Komar sat up straight.

"Stop being cryptic, what is it you want from us?" Korea demanded.

"Your anger" a new voice echoed throught the room, the group watched a new person emerge from behind Komar. The new arrival was wearing a Korean military uniform, but it was red, the man's face was covered by a military cap, the man lifted his head to reveal his face, the group stared horrified as the man looked exactly like Korea.

"Yon Soo this can't be right, that guy looks exactly like you" Taiwan said looking just as shocked as everyone else. Korea however already knew what was going on.

"I wondered where you went off to North Korea" Korea announced.

Um...kay. Yaaaaayyyy for random OC personifications and plot elements that will most likely not make any sense until six chapters from now.

And I don't know about you, but I doubt South Korea would be so damn...gellin' to see his antagonistic twin brother in the middle of a year-long hostage situation.

Quote :
"Master Komar has the ability to give your hate and anger a physical form, which is what I am" the man said.

Err...m'kay?

Quote :
"I don't get it" Korea said scratching his head.

Dude, you and me both.

Quote :
"It's quite simple really, I make a version of you that is willing to obey my very command, then remove you. I will gain control of the Asian countries, the only ones remaining would be most of China, and Japan" Komar stood and walked towards the five huddled nations.

...Again. See my mini-rant above as to why this plan will fail epically.

Quote :
"Like it? It's called Fighters Meditation" Komar said. "It's a state of mind that a person goes into when they are about to die, or get seriously hurt. But after awakening you can activate it whenever you want, you just need to know how. Also Fighters Meditation gives a person enhanced speed, strength, and focus, so much that to a person it can seem like time has stopped." Komar resumed walking to the three nations. "To get a little deeper it's when a person's inner energy so to speak comes out and manifests itself as an additional source of power. However I found out that my enhancement is incomplete, and I have little to no idea as to how to fully activate it"

"It sounds oddly familiar to Ki" Hong Kong said recognizing some similarities.

"In a sense it is, but only because each country and culture has a different name for it. For China Ki, Japan Chakra or Haki, and for the Maori, Mana" Komar counted a few cultures with his fingers still walking towards the three nations. He could see Thailand tense as he came within five feet from them.

Ohhhhh, so the stupid thing America did in the last chapter with the car and the Super Saiyan powers is...this. Oh, well, it's still stupid, but at least ONE deus ex machina has been explained.

Quote :
Thailand and Hong Kong stood in front of Vietnam, Vietnam struggled the most with the harsh living conditions and was barely able to move after getting so sick.

Feminism yay. Rolling Eyes

So another stupid fight scene with no point breaks out, in which the author manages to misspell her own OC's name several times in the process.

Quote :
"I guess you'll be first" Komar placed a hand over Korea's heart, and Korea began feeling very weird. Pain slowly grew in Korea's chest and as it did Korea could almost swear that Komar was tearing out his heart. The pain continued to grow and was become more than what Korea could handle, he screamed in absolute agony. Hong Kong, Taiwan, Thailand, and Vietnam watched in horror as a dark red aura melted from Korea, and formed an orb in Komar's hand, Korea's body went limp, but they could still see Korea breathing. Komar smiled at the orb he held as he dropped Korea, Vietnam crawled to Korea, but unfortunately caught Komar's attention. "Unfortunately your next" Komar reached out for Vietnam, and Vietnam could do nothing more than scream as Komar grabbed her.

YAY FEMINISM, SO NICE THAT THE YOUNG PEOPLE THINK WOMEN ARE EQUALS TO MEN AND CAN STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES Angry

Quote :
Meanwhile in Sealand

...I'd say "dun dun dunnnn", or something to the equivalent, but at this point I just want to see every character get brained with a sledgehammer and die so I can stop sporking this stupid fic.

So blah blah blah, the moronic nation-tans are holding a sooper seekrit meeting at Sealand's place, in which we learn some more about the dumbtastically fail plan of Master Asian Caricature.

Quote :
"We found out that the Conspirators have ties into the Government, Press, Health, Law, and even in high ranking Military" Arthur began. "Sweden and Austria did some digging before they left the country, and may have even found out their goal"

"Health"? "Press"? Aha! I knew "Gray's Anatomy" was an evil terrorist brainwashing plot! THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!!!11!1

So these "conspirators" lead by Mr. I'm-Not-A-Shredder-Clone have apparently infiltrated a lot of the governments in Asia, and the countries themselves are struggling not to get overcome by the asinine Xanatos gambit, even coming close to civil war. Fortunately, America suggests the quickest way to end my suffering (knew he was my favorite character for a reason) by proposing that the remaining nations simply head over to China and beat the stuffing out of the bad guys. Surprisingly, all of the other characters eventually agree with him, leading more into what could be called "character development"--which might have been interesting in a better fic (as we all know this fic is as close to goodness as Eric Cartman is to becoming Mother Theresa).

Quote :
"Alright everyone, I'm calling the vote now" Alfred sat down as the group prepared to give their answer. "Who votes that we don't go" Alfred looked around and began counting the hands that went up. "Zero? Really? No one votes against my idea? Okay then who votes that we go?" Alfred began counting hands to see, that the whole group had raised their hands, and in everyone's eyes he could see their conviction, solid and unwavering. Alfred felt like he was going to cry, this was probably the first time everyone had decided to go with his idea, and he was deeply moved. "Then, I guess it's settled, we infiltrate China, and seek to free the other Asian nations" Alfred quickly wiped a tear from his eyes hoping that the others won't see.

It would be so touching and moving if I actually gave a shit.

You know what that means--time to assemble the battle party!

Quote :
"Then the next question will be, whose going?" Alfred looked around, he was pleased to see Francis, Arthur, and Matthew raise their hands, he turned to also see China, Japan, Russia, Italy, Romano, Germany, and Switzerland raise their hands. Sweden and Finland didn't raise theirs, but it didn't matter to Alfred, Austria didn't raise his either, not going to leave Hungary, and not going to leave Switzerland's land alone, and have Lichtenstein unguarded by an authoritative figure.

"We will give our support when you find the others" Austria promised. "I'll be sure to bring Belarus, and Ukraine to help"

::breathes:: Annnnddd Gandalf the Gray and Gandalf the White and Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight, and Benito Musollini, and the Blue Meanie, Cowboy Curtis, and Jambie the Genie! Robocop and Terminator, Captain Kirk and Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger! Bill S. Preston and Theodore Morgan, Spock, the Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan! ::wheezes::

Also, I love the fact that Sweden and Finland are attempting to escape the fic. They're probably going to go make out in the broom closet as soon as the author's not looking.

Blah blah blah blah blah, boring as hell planning and exposition, can we PLEASE get to the eventual martial arts battles that might actually be relevant to the plot?

Quote :
"How are we getting back to America Alfred?" Matthew asked

"By plane of course" Alfred answered.

"Are you flying?" Matthew asked looking a little worried, Alfred was a little shaky in getting into the pilots seat after what happened in Hong Kong.

"No, I don't feel confident about it just yet" Alfred answered.

"Still having problems with what happened to Japan?" Matthew asked Alfred barely hearing him through the wind.

"Yeah" Alfred answered.

Wow, for a moment there I almost saw a relevant plot point...

...Nah, must be my imagination. I mean, what fic am I talking about here?

Well, onto chapter ten: Into the Lion's den (at this point in the snark I can sympathize fully).

Quote :
America, Canada, England, France, Russia, Italy, Romano, Germany, Switzerland, Japan, and China had returned to California and supplied for their return to China where they will most likely be constantly facing danger.

Must...resist...making "Twelve Days of Christmas" joke again...

So this author introduces us to some Navy SEALS in an attempt to cover up the shitty plot that would make Michael Bay proud.

Quote :
"W-w-we are jumping off a plane aru?" China said looking relatively shocked, he had seen Russia jump out of a plane without a chute before, and the result horrified him, after that incident China vowed to never jump out of a plane.

Oh look, a reference to the vastly superior anime series. Which I would rather be watching right now instead of slogging through this putrid excuse for literature.

Quote :
.

"I-Im Y-Yong Soo?" Korea looked to his right where he heard his name being called. He saw the same person he saw in the cell earlier staring at him, Korea recognized that face.

"N-n-north Korea?" Korea asked his vision slightly blurry but he remembered his brother's face anywhere. Korea however couldn't stay standing and collapsed to the floor, North Korea crawled over to his brother and with care he lifted Korea's head onto his lap.

"I see h-he got to you t-too" North Korea stated with a slight laugh. Korea could tell North Korea was weak and hurting, he was probably still suffering from the "extraction" that Komar put him through.

"I-I guess t-this is w-w-where you disappeared to?" Korea had to ask, North Korea didn't show at the UN meeting, and didn't reply to any of his calls or letters.

"Yeah" North Korea answered. Though he would never admit it, he was happy to see his annoying brother again, even though they fought each other before, and grew to basically sever all ties with each other. They however like China and Japan were still brothers and still loved each other. "Did he, e-extract from you as well?" North Korea asked letting Korea continue to rest on his lap.

"Yeah" Korea answered "I s-s-saw your a-anger twin" Korea informed his brother.

Again, extreme calm and collectivity in the interactions between two lifelong antagonists who have come close to nuclear war several times in recent history. The more I read this fic, the more positive I am that I'm stuck in the Twilight Zone.

Blah blah blah, more failed attempts at humor, the Keystone Kountries finally get their asses in the air, and who else makes a cameo appearance but the Commander in Chief himself!

Quote :
"The president wants to speak to you" the pilot said as Alfred approached the cockpit, and handed Alfred a headset.

"Hello Mr. President" Alfred greeted.

"For the thousandth time just call me Obama, your almost on the same level of authority as me after all" Barack Obama the president of the United States told Alfred.

"Of course Obama, so what do you want to tell me?" Alfred asked.

NOT EVEN OBAMA IS SAFE FROM THE BADFIC

So the whole reason that President Obama's in this fic seems to be to act as an exposition dump (he should be luck he got off easy). We go back to the Asian countries for a brief paragraph, then to our moronic protagonists as they jump off the plane.

Quote :
"ARE YOU CRAZY THAT'S HIGH!" Francis squealed in fear. Alfred looked to the other nations who held pretty much the same reaction. The only one who didn't seem to be frightened was Russia.

"That's nothing da" Russia took a running leap off the ramp, only for Alfred's horrified reaction as he realized that Russia wasn't wearing a parachute.

"WHAT'S THAT IDIOT DOING!" Alfred cried. "SEALS AFTER HIM!" The SEALS team without hesitation jumped off the aircraft and dived after the death seeking Russian. "Alright your next" Alfred pointed at Francis.

NOTE: IF THE ANIME ALREADY MADE THE JOKE, YOU REALLY DON'T NEED TO MAKE IT AGAIN, AUTHOR. SERIOUSLY.

So the characters shout their stupid catchphrases, dive, and manage to end up in one piece (save Russia, who broke a leg in his descent), and they proceed into Hong Kong as the chapter ends, ending this latest installment (thank GOD). Join me next time for what might be the stupidest fight scene ever written. For real.
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Happenstance
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PostSubject: Re: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   Mon Sep 06, 2010 2:44 am

Hadiya Tannous wrote:

Quote :
"The president wants to speak to you" the pilot said as Alfred approached the cockpit, and handed Alfred a headset.

"Hello Mr. President" Alfred greeted.

"For the thousandth time just call me Obama, your almost on the same level of authority as me after all" Barack Obama the president of the United States told Alfred.

"Of course Obama, so what do you want to tell me?" Alfred asked.

NOT EVEN OBAMA IS SAFE FROM THE BADFIC

So the whole reason that President Obama's in this fic seems to be to act as an exposition dump (he should be luck he got off easy). We go back to the Asian countries for a brief paragraph, then to our moronic protagonists as they jump off the plane.

I LOL'D SO HARD.

I might just sig the "for the thousandth time just call me Obama", but I really started laughing when I realized Alfred was actually referring to Barack Obama as simply "Obama". Which is, by the way, know-nothing author, his last name, and thus probably not something he would generally ask people to call him...

By the way, brilliant snark. And I don't know anything about Hetalia. ^^
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PostSubject: Re: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   Fri Dec 09, 2011 5:55 pm

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
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4shadowedice4
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PostSubject: Re: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   Sat Dec 10, 2011 2:32 am

Quote :
SMACKAmerica was punched and thrown across the room."What
are you talking about you nitwit we haven't even started and haven't
agreed on anything!" Canada said shaking his fist.


... Quit fucking with (the fake personification) of my country, dammit.

I apologise but I was unable to read your entire spork, the fic just pissed me off too much. Kudos for being to read ... that.
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PostSubject: Re: Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.   

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Most boring and tedious Hetalia fanfic ever.
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