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Rabid Badger
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Sun Jan 09, 2011 7:12 pm

Penguin, how do you subject yourself to this tripe? I'm assuming copious quantities of alcohol are involved (that's the only way I'd get through it), but perhaps your just stronger than the rest of us, who can only gaze in horror at what Laurell K. Hamilton hast wrought.

Also, I know nothing of how werewolves or vampires in this particular universe work, but I'd think even a relatively new young werewolf wouldn't have any trouble showering the remains of a few vampire chicks off himself.

Also, how exactly do undead vampire chicks rape a male werewolf? If they were Japanese, I'd figure they were all Futinari, but I'm going to assume strap-on's were involved. Or are we talking metaphorical rape here, as opposed to physical?

Why am I even thinking about this!? Upset
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Sun Jan 09, 2011 7:41 pm

Rabid Badger wrote:


Also, how exactly do undead vampire chicks rape a male werewolf? If they were Japanese, I'd figure they were all Futinari, but I'm going to assume strap-on's were involved. Or are we talking metaphorical rape here, as opposed to physical?

Why am I even thinking about this!? Upset

Basically, there was something or whatever that involved Jason and....I want to say it was amateur porn. Originally the two zombie vampire chicks were hot and not rotting. So, Jason was all like "Fuck yes". Until they began to rot, then he got scared.

I think that pretty much covers it.
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Sun Jan 09, 2011 7:54 pm

OzymandiasBowie wrote:
Basically, there was something or whatever that involved Jason and....I want to say it was amateur porn. Originally the two zombie vampire chicks were hot and not rotting. So, Jason was all like "Fuck yes". Until they began to rot, then he got scared.

I think that pretty much covers it.

Well, it's nice to know that vampires and werewolves aren't being discriminated against where careers in amateur porn is concerned.

Unless they're rotting. But it wouldn't surprise me if there's a niche market for that sort of thing.
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Sun Jan 09, 2011 8:55 pm

Rabid Badger wrote:
Penguin, how do you subject yourself to this tripe? I'm assuming copious quantities of alcohol are involved (that's the only way I'd get through it), but perhaps your just stronger than the rest of us, who can only gaze in horror at what Laurell K. Hamilton hast wrought.

Well, my job certainly isn't providing me with the struggle against all odds I pathologically desire, so this will have to do, I suppose. Razz

Quote :
Also, I know nothing of how werewolves or vampires in this particular universe work, but I'd think even a relatively new young werewolf wouldn't have any trouble showering the remains of a few vampire chicks off himself.

Most of it is dried globs in hard-to-reach places on his back. How it got there in the first place is anyone's guess; at the time the fight broke out, he was fully clothed.

Quote :
Also, how exactly do undead vampire chicks rape a male werewolf? If they were Japanese, I'd figure they were all Futinari, but I'm going to assume strap-on's were involved. Or are we talking metaphorical rape here, as opposed to physical?

Long story short, these were very powerful vampires who were extremely sadistic. They enjoyed rotting all over Jason and got off on his fear. Anita and her friends weren't allowed to do anything overtly violent, so it was up to Anita to find a way out.

Anyway, on to Chapter 22.

Quote :
"Would you believe I slipped? Jason asked.
"No," Richard said. That one word was very cold.

Jason seems to be unaware of the Bro Code. Just because Anita has moved on and hopped on the dick of some vampire doesn't mean you get to make the moves, you little shit.

Quote :
Richard threw the towel at him. Jason caught it, and his eyes sparkled with the effort not to smile. Jason had a streak in him that made him enjoy yanking someone else's chain. He liked to stir the pot and see what happened.

Jason liked to pull your leg. He liked to fuck with people. Jason liked to prank people. Jason liked to be the joker. Jason liked to be redundantly described as a wiseass.

The sad thing is that if Hamilton was actually knowledgeable about wolves, this would peg Jason as the Omega. He's not the leader of the pack. He's not even a hunter. But what he does is protect the young and initiate the games. This would be an excellent position for a nonviolent, wiseass person by temperment to uphold. But since "natural" wolf Omegas look after the young and intiate pack games, there is no space in a werewolf hierarchy to exist, since werewolf hierarchy seems to be made up of who's having the most sex.

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"Earlier today you turned me down because you were loyal to Jean-Claude."

Woah, woah, woah. Stop. Okay, you self-obsessed dipshit: When Anita first saw you, first met your choirboy ass, got her first glimpse of you... you were bare-ass naked. In a strip club. With a bunch of oversexed creatures of the night around you. I think that Anita, being fully clothed with a naked Jason, who has a history of being a sexual joker, would hardly be a reason for being upset.

But this is Richard Zeeman, the Eternally Butthurt. The very thought of this narcissistic assshole being involved in our education system makes me want to believe every Republican myth about shitty teachers everywhere.

ALSO HE JUST BARGED INTO THE BATHROOM

WHAT IF ANITA WAS POOPING

LEARN TO KNOCK ASSHOLE

Quote :
"If Jean-Claude finds out you're doing Jason, he'll hurt him, maybe kill him."

Way to manage your pack, Richard.

"If you've been having sex with my subordinates, I'll tell my boooooooss!"

Quote :
"If you'd found me on the floor with a naked woman on top of me, you'd have thought the same thing," he said.

This is true, because both Richard and Anita are incredibly possessive, insecure assholes who will leap at any chance to believe the worst of their lovers.

Quote :
Hmm, he had me there. "All the women I'd find you with are strangers who are either dating you, fucking you, or both. What you saw on the floor was Jason being Jason. You know how he is."

Richard knows this. He also knows there isn't a vagina south of the Mason-Dixon line that hasn't had his penis inside it, with the possible exception of his mother's. No wait, there isn't a vagina south of the Mason-Dixon line that hasn't had his penis inside it, technically speaking. So, long story short, he's boning anything that may or may not have two legs, and he's jealous of Anita being near anything with a penis.

I'd throw up some more quotes, but this is like a three-page chapter. Anita ends the chapter by noting the irony that while she is jealous of any woman Richard may sleep with, he's desperately fucking anything in sight to fill the void she left behind... and is jealous of any man she might be with.

I hate Richard. So, so much.
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Mon Jan 10, 2011 9:13 pm

Quote :
THERE WERE THREE people in my bed; none of them were me. Cherry and Zane had curled up around Nathaniel like fleshy security blankets. I'd been informed that the physical closeness of your group, whatever the animal flavor, was healing both emotionally and physically. Richard had backed up this bit of werelore, so the wereleopards got the bed, because Nathaniel had hysterics at the thought of being without me.

I hate lycanthropes so, so much. Let's see what all of the book's weremorons have managed to accomplish so far:

Jason: Sexually harrass the protagonist, be bisexual, get owned

Shang-Da: Pick fights with the protagonist, get owned

Richard: Risk the lives of himself and everyone around him over some green gorillas, be a manipulative shit

Cherry: State the obvious, fail at her trade

Zane: Kiss Jason in an attempt to drive off a bisexual via homophobia, nothing

Nathaniel: Be a woobie, get captured, owned, whine and cry a lot

Verne: Worship the progatonist, follow her directions to the letter

And lest we forget the "other side" has or had lycanthropes of their own:

Betty: Set a trap with her mouth

Mira: Sprung a trap with her vagina.

And now, after all this, we have the most useless baggage in the Useless Baggage Squad spooning in Anita's bed because Nathaniel is a huge fucking child. There is no reason for any of them to be here. None, aside from truly anime-esque oaths of loyalty and sexual obsession with Anita. Anita is the leader of the wereleopards, but she won't get off her ass and lead by making them go the fuck home. She is letting them put themselves in harm's way for no good reason just so she won't hurt their feelings. This has already been to the detriment of her people, and nearly cost them dearly. Repeatedly.

While this makes Anita a completely worthless leader, it shows how Hamilton's mindset at this point is firmly set in junior high. She's caught in a lolve triangle, has lots of edgy, fashionable friends, and everyone wants her. She fights for her friends and doesn't afraid of anything. Anything beyond intensely shallow issues, anyway.

These three are the ones who need to be sent home the most because, while all the lycanthropes suck at life, these ones need to be reminded how to breathe. Cherry is a flake who only springs into action when her medical skills aren't really adequate for the task at hand. Zane is a woobie who needs Anita to sign off on his every thought. And Nathaniel a singularity of submissiveness, is absolutely useless in a fight, and has mental issues that cause him to seek attention in ways that make him vulnerable to the bad guys. In other words, how the whole Mira and Crotch Poison plot happened.

It was clear from the beginning of the book that Anita was basically going to go to war against Colin for what he'd done to Richard. These are the soldiers she chose to bring with her. Even Donald Rumsfeld would have a tough time selling this being "the army she has rather than the army she wished she had."

I'll spare you most of the detail of this scene. Suffice it to say that Stephanie Meyer didn't invent the "supernatural creature stares longingly at a girl in her sleep" thing; Jason pads in and stares at Cherry for about a page. With a raging boner that Anita mentions. Oh, and this bit.

Quote :
Zane lay on the other side of Nathaniel, spooning his body against the smaller man's. But the covers had dragged off of him, showing the blue bikinis he was wearing. It looked suspiciously like Cherry's, as if she'd had to give it to him something to wear to bed.

Lacey things, the wife is missin'
Didn't ask, for her permission
I'm wearing her clothes,
her silk panty hose
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.


With apologies to Bob Rivers. Anyway, it's time for Anita to feel sorry for herself.

Quote :
I'd seen the burning vampires in my dreams. They'd chased me with flame-covered arms. Their mouths opened in screams, fangs leaking fire like dragon's breath. The burning vamps had offered me Mira's head. The head had talked in its basket, asking "Why?" Because I was careless didn't seem like a good answer.

I'm bored already. We've been over this far too often in a very short amount of paper, Hamilton.

Perhaps the author sensed this, and decided to give us a wangsty aftermath:

Quote :
Richard had turned to me last night with the vampire bodies still glowing like banked fires. He'd looked at me, and I'd felt his revulsion, his horror at what I'd done, like a knife through my heart. If things had been reversed and I'd have been the werewolf and he'd been the human, he'd have been just as sickened after the show with Marcus as I'd been. No, more so. The only reason Richard hung around with monsters was the fact that he was one.

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Is there no end to Anita grasping for some semblance of a conscience, no matter how pathetic, or Richard being a total incontinent asshole? It's like Anita was actually being a vampire executioner and whacked some undead douchebags for being evil undead douchebags. But no, she's all guilty and Richard's all retarded because they won a fight against all odds. These two need a healthy dose of Alucard.

"I don't care what these things are. They came here to try and kill us. It no longer matters what they are. Now they must die. They'll be slaughtered, corpses, left to rot in their graves like filth. This is just the way it is. This is what has to be done, and no one has the power to change that. Not God, the Devil or you."

The fact that just a few books back, Anita was desperately trying to explain this concept to Richard makes her woobification before him just that more godawful.

Anyway, Jason comes along to comfort Anita, and then the wereleopards wake up because he has a massive boner for Cherry and that feeds their energy or some such bullshit. This isn't the beginning of a pr0n scene, however. The next few pages are basically just adoration of Anita, until she begins to feel at the end that the spirit of Raina, the Wicked Werewolf Witch of the West that she defeated in a previous book, may now be inside her.
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Thu Jan 13, 2011 4:08 pm

Wait... wait... am I reading your snark correctly?

Shocked

Did she actually skip most of the action scene only to have later flashbacks to parts of it?

No

THESE ARE BOOKS WHERE NOTHING HAPPENS. SHE NEEDED TO WRITE THE WHOLE ACTION SCENE.

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Rabid Badger
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Thu Jan 13, 2011 6:46 pm

So basically, all of Anita's sex partners are several thousand year old vampires, werewolves and other supernatural beasties who've ruled empires, but they act like a bunch of angst-ridden teenagers who get jealous the minute their boyfriend/girlfriend looks at another person?

In comparison to these people, Edward and Bella of Twilight seem like absolute bastions of sanity and restraint.

And I agree with Notanoni. LKH has a multimillion dollar book franchise with millions of readers, and she STILL hasn't grasped the basic concept of 'show don't tell?' I don't mind the occasional flashback; it can be a useful way to portray scenes that there wasn't room to cover in detail. But this woman writes entirely in flashbacks, it seems. We never actually see anything happen, we just have it described to us by the Great and Wondrous Anita at a later point (assuming she isn't busy having a 'whose balls are bigger' showdown with Richard.
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Fri Jan 14, 2011 6:24 pm

I commend you for reading this bullshit, Penguin. I was told that this series got bad, but I had no idea it descended to such levels of ridiculousness.
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Sat Feb 05, 2011 8:52 pm

This made me want to go read all the books again. I pretend the series ended at Obsidian Butterfly. I know they are ridiculous fluff but at least they used to be interesting and Anita had some sort of moral compass.

Now she's just merely a slut avatar for a seriously delusional author. LKH is making Anne Rice look less batshit with each book.
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Fri May 20, 2011 4:28 pm

Yeah. The problem with Chapter 20 isn't so much that it lacks action; it's just that the action that manages to occur in it is bullshit, frequently broken up in favor of trash-talking.

The main problem I see with Chapter 23 is that it provides the beginnings of an actual conclusion for 20, but doesn't even bother concluding it properly. We go from this:

Anita nukes vampires at the battlefield, takes shower at cabin

To this:

Anita nukes vampires and gets dirty look from Richard at battlefield, takes shower at cabin.

I am positive that things played out this way solely because Hamilton had run out of excuses to blather about character costumes.

24:
Quote :
THE GREETING CEREMONY that had been interrupted last night was back on for tonight.

This could not possibly be confusing in a novel that is narrated in the past tense.

Quote :
One thing about monsters: You observe the rules. The rules said we needed a greeting ceremony, well, by golly, we'd have one.

I thought one of the fundamental properties about being a monster was a distinct lack of rules; monsters are inhuman. They don't follow rules like your stereotypically German uncle, for whom everything must be in ordnung. They have certain properties, certain characteristics, that we humans might discern from how they operate, but the way they function is what makes them inhuman.

If I told you that werewolves looked like people and turned into massive, incredibly strong killing machines that could only be stopped by an idiot with silver weaponry, that might give you pause.
If I told you that werewolves were just like you and me, just like that touchy-feely but harmless person you work with at the store, but the full moon made them fuzzy and want to eat things we don't like, you would probably not be impressed.

This is how Laurell K. Hamilton does take the fantastic and make it mundane: She so heavily shoehorns it into everyday life, so overzealously attempts to make monsters as human as (if not more than) the humans, that her monsters are completely boring. Her werewolves are strippers. Her vampires are incredibly world-weary strippers. If strippers are mundane to you, she has won.

Quote :
Me, I'd have ordered takeout, and said "Hell with it; let's try and solve the mystery."

It has been established ad nauseam that this is a bald-faced lie. And even if it wasn't, it'd be a completely pointless thing to say: We know who the bad guys are. We know that they want Richard to stop trying to save the trolls for some reason, and are willing to go to extremes normally reserved for smuggling operations. The only remaining question is "why?" and the story has dragged on long past the point where any reasonable person would care. We're just waiting for the inevitable point where Anita fucks somebody and then goes on to kill everyone that looks at her and her crew the wrong way.

But Hamilton's got to write more than twenty pages to sell a novel, so it's back on the Solipsism Express.

Quote :
But I wasn't in charge. Even crispy-crittering over twenty vamps hadn't made me top dog or top anything else, though Verne's invitation last night had been very, very polite. Colin wasn't the only one who was scared of me now.

At this rate, Hamilton's about to reiterate that she microwave marshmallow Peepsed over twenty vampires.

But last chapter you'd said that Verne was tickled several colors over that happening! Oh wait, this is another self-indulgent angst chapter, isn't it? Everyone's scared of you, you're scared of yourself, blah blah blah.

Quote :
Until last night, Colin had kept the wolves in line; now the shoe was on the other foot, and from the look in Verne's eyes, the shoe was going to pinch.

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A twig snapped to my left, and I jumped. Jamil touched my arm, and I jumped again.
"Damn babe, you're jumpy tonight."
"Don't call me babe."
His smile flashed in the darkness. "Sorry."

"Just filling your sexual harassment quota, ma'am."


Quote :
The only one of us wearing shorts was Jason. If his legs were getting scratched up, he didn't seem to mind. He was also the only one not wearing a shirt of some kind.

Slut!



Quote :
They were all wearing old jeans, T-shirts, things y ou wouldn't mind shapeshifting in, because one night closer to the full moon, accidents happened. No, not accidents. I would get to watchsome of them lose their human shapes tonight. I realized that I really didn't want to see it. Not really.

Yep. A reaction that could be linked to a traumatic event and thus something to be greeted with absolute dread is reduced to being "Meh, gross."

Quote :
Asher and Damian were not here. They had gone to spy or negotiate with Colin and his remaining vamps. I'd thought this was a really bad idea, but Asher had assured me that it was expected. That he as Jean-Claude's second would carry the message that I, we, had spared Colin and his second in command, Barnaby. We had allowed his human servant to walk from the ircle. We had been generous but

WE HAD WE HAD WE HAD WE HAD

SHOW DON'T TELL

FUCK

Quote :
Another thing that was making me nervous was no guns. Knives were okay, they substituted for claws, but no guns. Marcus had been the same way. No Ulfric worth his salt would let you bring a gun into their inner sanctum. I understood it, but I didn't have to like it. After what I'd done for Verne last night, I thought the request for no guns was downright rude.

"You can summon our ancestors to burn everyone alive, but NO BANG STICKS!"

At this point, I am beginning to wonder if Laurel K. Hamilton has truthfully set foot in the southern United States. Anita goes on to narrate about all the sharp objects she has, before feeling magic that Jamil swears she shouldn't be able to because she isn't a were-anything.

So, I'm going to skip the part where Anita describes her weapons as fashion accessories at length. They just about reach the Place of Thing or Whatever.

Quote :
"We need to be at the meeting place before the ceremony goes any further," Jamil said.
I looked at him. "You mean they've started the ceremony without us?"
"They've sacrificed an animal and smeared blood on the tree, sort of what you did last night," Jason said.

Anita Blake: Bringing the post-finals brain dump to a whole new level.

Anyway, she feels this Call thing, and the wereidiots argue over whether this is possible. Wait a minute, all these werepeople and no Richard the Perfect? On this perfect moonlit night, where is his sorry ass?

Quote :
He'd gone to have dinner with his family. Shang-Da had gone with him at my insistence. Sheriff Wilkes had to know we weren't leaving town by now. It wasn't just the local vampires we had to worry about. Richard had called on the telephone, saying they were running late, to start without him. His mother just hadn't understood why he couldn't stay longer. All the Zeeman men were so pussy whipped- ah, henpecked, sorry.

Turns out his sorry ass is out making the point that Anita's vagina is stronger than vaginas that are stronger than alpha male cocks.

Quote :
I whispered, "Richard, what have you done to me?"

Ruined you far more than an ambulatory corpse having its way with you, which really says everything about how Richard is a completely destructive shitbag, but whatevs.

Anita freaks out because the werewolf power calls up Raina, the bitch that tried to kill her, or something. Basically Raina's soul is trying to possess her. Or something. I'm well past the point of caring. Anyway, after Anita gets done accidentally channeling her, all the wereidiots start crying about their traumatic pasts with Raina.

At this point, I'm just going to skip a lot of bullshit to say that Anita finally meets the werewolves' vargamor, who praises her and Anita senses as prey/food thanks to the munin.

Quote :
Fuck.

And on that appropriate word, the chapter ends.
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Fri May 20, 2011 6:56 pm

Oh gosh, the return of the snark! Awesome as usual, Penguin.

Penguin wrote:


Quote :
Fuck.

And on that appropriate word, the chapter ends.

That . . . that about sums up the Anita Blake books as a whole, doesn't it? She fucks. She is fucked. Fuck, she says, she's fucked up the fucking fucking. And we're all fucked to boot.
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Wed Jul 06, 2011 7:44 pm

Okay. So. Anita fights off the spirits that were making her feel all nasty and wolf-y and stuff, and promptly starts stumbling around the woods like a clumsy everygirl protagonist in a teenage horromance novel.

Jason and Cherry do, too, making them even more useless than usual and weirding Anita out. Fortunately, we've got Marianne the Vargamour, the Font of Filler, who explains they're all just tired from fighting off the munin.

Quote :
"Why don't you feel awful?" I asked.
"I did not struggle. If you simply allow the munin to ride you, it passes much more quickly and relatively painlessly."

Um.

Quote :
I half-laughed at her. "That sounds like the old advice of lie back, close your eyes, and it'll be over soon."
She turned her head to one side, long hair sliding over her shoulders like a pale ghost. "Embracing the munin can be pleasant or unpleaseant, but this munin hunts you, Anita. Most of the time, a munin that tries to bond with a pack member does so out of love or shared sorrow."

Munin: Werewolf stalker ghosts who just want to "ride" you because they "love" you and have so much in common! Consent? It's just so unromantic!

Quote :
Marianne nodded. "Yes. But if you would embrace her instead of fighting, you could pick and choose among the memories. Strong ones will come easiest, but you could control more of what comes and how strongly it comes. If you would truly channel her, as you put it, then the images would be less like a movie and more... like wearing a glove."

Wait, what? Is she telling Anita to wrap it before she taps it?

Quote :
"Except I'm the glove," I said, "and her personality overwhelms mine. No thanks."
"If you continue to fight this munin, it will get worse. If you cease struggling and meet her even partway, the munin will lose some of its strength.

See all they know is: Love, sorrow...

...and rape. Everyone agrees that Raina was evil in life, so she's an evil munin munchkin.

Quote :
Marianne laughed, and again, it was a sound equally at home in the kitchen or the bedroom. How she managed to be both wholesome and suggestive in the same breath puzzled me.

You'd think she'd be used to being surrounded by bizarre, self-contradictory characters at this point. Marianne tries to get her to call on the werewolf powers, but Anita won't because she's pretty sure she can't bring out that level of power without sex, so she shuts up and they start heading for the ceremony that they've spent the last billion chapters supposedly making their way toward, reminiscing about what a terrible person Raina was the whole way.

Oh wait. You thought the ceremony might actually happen this chapter? HAHAHA NO. Suddenly, they realize there are men with guns in the woods! Their brilliant plan to deal with it? Let them find Anita making out with Jason.

So they do.

It doesn't work, naturally. I don't even know why they thought it would and I can't be bothered to back-track.

Quote :
Chuck's hands were big and meaty. Thick fingers dug into my arm enough that if I lived, I'd be bruised.
"If you don't do exactly what I say, your girlfriend gets it."
I wanted to say, "Who writes your dialogue?" but I didn't.

I could describe the whole standoff and why an unimportant werewolf (Jamil) gets shot protecting Anita, but it's all the same at this point. Extremely overlong story short, the bad guys lose and Anita's freaking out over a dying nobody at the end of this chapter.
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Fri Jul 08, 2011 9:23 am

I am glad you are doing this again, Penguin. This is great.
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Fri Jul 08, 2011 6:04 pm

Yay! You're back!

I have a question. I don't read paranormal literature, but it seems to me that if supernatural entities (vampires, werewolves, etc.) were going to band together in groups, wouldn't the first thing they'd do be cull the ones who can't take care of themselves? If you're part of a group whose survival depends on everyone being at their top form at all times, the last thing you need is werewolves who have to have their hand held every time something traumatic happens to them. Anita's supposed to be the leader of both the vampires and werewolves-why doesn't she use her vaunted powers to just get rid of the dead weight?

Wait. If she didn't have the whiners and misfits around, she wouldn't have anything to angst about, would she? Besides sex, I mean?

Sorry. Had a sudden attack of logic there. Won't happen again.
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Sat Jul 09, 2011 5:35 pm

Rabid Badger wrote:
Yay! You're back!

I have a question. I don't read paranormal literature, but it seems to me that if supernatural entities (vampires, werewolves, etc.) were going to band together in groups, wouldn't the first thing they'd do be cull the ones who can't take care of themselves? If you're part of a group whose survival depends on everyone being at their top form at all times, the last thing you need is werewolves who have to have their hand held every time something traumatic happens to them. Anita's supposed to be the leader of both the vampires and werewolves-why doesn't she use her vaunted powers to just get rid of the dead weight?

Wait. If she didn't have the whiners and misfits around, she wouldn't have anything to angst about, would she? Besides sex, I mean?

Sorry. Had a sudden attack of logic there. Won't happen again.

It really comes down to Hamilton's need for Anita to be supremely dominant, and her characterization of supernatural creatures. Lycanthropes -or at least the relevant ones here, leopards and wolves- follow pack hierarchy which means that they're supposed to look out for each other. The alphas are in charge because they're the strongest and best able to protect the pack.

Well, we've been dealing with werewolves and wereleopards for several books now, and by now, every strong lycanthrope has clashed with Anita in some shape or fashion. This made them jerks, and they had to die because, obviously, jerks side with the Bad Guy. And there is only one way for the bad guys to come out of an Anita Blake novel at this point: Dead. There used to be some depth... but I digress.

At this point, thanks to the power plays of the past few novels, Anita has pretty much eliminated all the strong lycanthropes. The ones that remain aren't a threat to her or Richard anymore, and both of them have such martyr complexes that they have to shepherd the remaining weaklings. Anita basically befriends anyone remotely nice to her (which tend to be people who are too frightened and weak to oppose her) and instantly adheres to some bullshit credo that requires her to throw herself into extreme danger for their sake. Richard is much the same, but only where his pack is concerned. And now, apparently, some endangered goddamn trolls.

Basically, their godawful personalities have resulted in a situation where they have killed off anyone strong enough to really help take on the work of protecting the packs, and must personally shoulder the burden without A: realizing how much of it they brought upon themselves*, B: realizing how much of it is actually remotely reasonable to shoulder (see: GODDAMN TROLLS), and C: mellowing the fuck out and avoiding some of these situations to begin with.

As for the vampires... they're mostly scenery. They're usually not terribly useless, because apparently even Laurell K. Hamilton has trouble justifying characters that survive for hundreds of years without getting caught and staked, or killed by their own. Both vampires and werewolves are part of legitimate society in the Anita Blake universe, having recently become so. While lycanthropes are still mortal, vampires will never die of old age. Lycanthropes still have to hold down a day job and many still try to say "in the closet" to avoid losing said day jobs. Like Richard the Perfect Schoolteacher Secret Werewolf Who Makes All the Ladies Wet.

*They are, however, required to beat themselves up constantly over the inconsequential details, missing the big picture the whole time. This makes for lots of filler angst in which they can comfort or yell at each other.
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Sat Jul 09, 2011 9:14 pm

So essentially, with the werewolves, it boils down to Anita having to have the biggest balls? I'd suspected as much; thanks for clarifying that.
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Sun Jul 10, 2011 8:13 pm

All right, here we go now. I should mention that at the end of the last chapter, Anita ripped her shirt off and shoved it in Jamil's wound. Aid is summoned.

Quote :
A dark-haired man with small, round glasses knelt on the other side of Jamil. He opened a large brown satchel and pulled out a stethoscope.

"Cough for me please? And again. Hmm. It sounds like you've been shot in the chest. Deep breath... oh yes, that's definitely congestive buckshotivitis."

Quote :
He pushed my hands from the wound. "He's healing. It wasn't silver shot." He shone a penlight into the wound. "What the hell is in there?"
"My shirt."
"Get it out before the skin heals around it."

He's such a terrible werewolf that he needs a penlight, and such a terrible doctor that he busts out a stethoscope for a massive chest wound the size of which you can insert an entire woman's shirt.

So it turns out that Jamil getting shot had a purpose after all:

Quote :
I had a thought that I was wearing nothing above the waist besides a black bra. I didn't care.

So we've seen circumstances force* Anita to make out with her annoying friend, circumstances threaten to force her into ghost sex, and now circumstances have forced her to start stripping down. Let's see what other silly, sexual things circumstances can force Anita into tonight, shall we?

*Seriously, that was their plan

One of the dudes with rifles had beaten Jason up while Anita was at gunpoint, sooo... he'll be fine. But he's in a lot of pain or some crap and wants to lick Jamil's blood off of Anita's hands to help heal faster.

Quote :
I laid two fingers against his lips and slid them gently into his mouth. He tried to suck them, but his mouth wouldn't work right. He licked the blood swallowing almost convulsively. I drew the fingers out, and his hand came up to grab my wrist. I let him guide two new fingers into his mouth.

It's only going to go downhill from here. Oh yeah, that Lucy chick's here, too.

Quote :
I stared at her and hated her just a little. Hated her for having been in Richard's bed. Hated her for doing things with him that I'd never allowed myself to do.

OH MY FUCKING GOD. I GET IT. YOU USED TO FUCKING DAAARRRGH WHAT IS THIS COMING OUT OF MY EARS

Quote :
I just stared at him and held my hand out to Zane. He crawled to me on his knees and his good arm. I stared at Richard while Zane took my fingers into his mouth. He sucked on them like a hungry child licking the last bit of cake from a spoon.

For those of you keeping track, Anita currently has two weres sucking her fingers off.

Quote :
Munin rising inside me like a pool of warm water, spilling upward.

Somebody get her a bucket!

Quote :
They dragged the rifleman over to me. I knew what I looked like. I was wearing a black underwire bra that hid more than most bathing suits, but it was still a bra. I was still covered in blood. Jason and Zane were licking blood from my naked skin. It was strange and macabre and would work as a threat very nicely.

"See how unsanitary we are? DO YOU? What do you think that means for all your open wounds, hmm? HMM?!"

Quote :
The rifleman stared at me, his eyes showing mostly white. I could feel his breath, smell his fear. I could smell his fear like a miasma of sweat. I could taste in his scent how injured he was. I knew his skin would be cool to the touch from blood loss. All this from smell. Shit.

"Yes, shit. I could smell that, too. Amazing."

Quote :
I drew away from him, eyes closed. I opened my eyes and looked at the man. Jason moved to my stomach, licking along the top of my jeans. They were soaked in blood, and it wouldn't really dry while I was still wearing them. Zan curved around my back, licking along my spine. There was no blood there, and he had to stop at the spine sheath, but it looked good for our captive audience.
"Talk to me, Terry. Once I start fucking one of them, I really don't want to be interrupted."

Anita continues to intimidate the prisoner by forcing him to acknowledge the fact that he's now in a furry porn novel.

Most of the interrogation plays out like this, so I'll spare you the bullshit. Mr. Expendable gives up the name of his employer and why before being dragged off, never to be seen again.

But they still have a problem: Raina still wants to ride Anita. A lot.

Quote :
I could feel her pleasure like a line of warmth through my body. The echo of her laughter chased through my mind and made gooseflesh on my arms. Being possessed by anyone would have scared me. Being possessed by a sociopathic nymphomaniac sadomasochist that I had killed personally was too frightening and too ironic for words.

It's only "ironic" in the Alanis Morissette sense. Anita's brilliant plan to get Raina to give up? Start dry-humping Jason.

Quote :
I let my body drop against his in an abrupt, violent movement that brought a cry of pain from him.

"MY DIIIIIIIIIIICK"

Quote :
I straddled his body and felt him hard and ready even through our jeans.

What does this mean?

Quote :
I swam upward through the power and started pushing at his chest. We were not doing this again. I was not doing this. "Off. Get off."

Nothing but a double entendre!

Anita starts making out with Zane, dry-humps the wounds out of Jamil, and then starts giving him a handjob. Realizing this is all a bit ridiculous, she starts fighting Raina off again. She has convulsions, gets up, starts making out with random people again. It gets so completely ridiculous that it takes Raina's ghost to finally bring things to a head:

Quote :
Words I didn't know spilled from my lips. "Your heart to mine, mine to yours. Lupa to your Ulfric. But not to your bed, nor you to mine."

(snip)

"Claim me again if you can, my Ulfric.

"There are three flowers in a vase. The third flower is RAPE."

Yep, Raina finally shut this down by making Anita declare "Whoever rapes me first wins the big prize!"

Quote :
Marianne was beside me. "Get up,"she said.
I struggled to my feet, and she helped me.
"Now, run," she said.
I stared at her. "What are you talking about?"
"You've declared yourself Frejya. Now, run, before they lose patience and take you here."
I knew what she meant, but I had to have her say it out loud. "Take me?"
"If the munin does not come to the front, it will be rape, but it will still happen. Now, go!"

And Chapter 27 ends with Anita running at full-tilt through the woods, with about a hundred crazed rapist furries hot on her heels.

SO ROMANTIC
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Sat Nov 19, 2011 6:28 pm

This is kind of relevant to Penguin's snark, chapter by chapter. This channel is snarking Narcissus in Chains chapter by chapter, and it's hysterical. :D

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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Sat Dec 17, 2011 7:39 pm

Wow, double post. Penguin, I would dearly love to see more of this snark. Smile

In the meantime, I bring you some wtfery from LKH, at DragonCon.

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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Sun Dec 18, 2011 1:49 am

I've just gotta root around to find where I packed the book when I moved out of England.

WRT the video... at first I was all, "What the fuck is this? What is even the point of this?"

Then it hit me: This is perfectly in-character. The observer has no idea what exactly is going on or what is supposed to be going on, but it's vaguely sexual in very awkward, somewhat gross sort of way, and for no apparent reason, there's a bunch of people cheering her on.
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Sun Dec 18, 2011 2:23 pm

It's a tradition at certain cons. The woman with the leaf blower is the artist from Devil's Panties. Usually, she's blowing up men's kilts (with permission). I think she even did a calender of up-kilt shots.

Apparently, she and Hamilton are friends; the very beginning of Flirt is based on an IRL incident from them hanging out.
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Fri Jun 22, 2012 9:29 am

SHOOT ME AGAIN, I AIN'T DEAD YET

I'm drunk off my ass, which means LET'S GET READY TO SNORKLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE

At this point I feel that I have a confession to make: I have over-simplified some aspects of this book.

This is because this book, however convoluted the details might be, all lead to the same point: Anita is going to find an excuse to fuck Richard. I'd spoiler alert that, but come on, what other reason could this novel possibly have to exist? It's right there in the first chapter: Sexy, ultra-powerful vampire boyfriend Jean-Claude is worried his little Anita is going to hop on the cock of her previous boyfriend. Since Jean-Claude isn't present for the remaining duration of the novel, there's only one way this can end.

And as much fun as I make of Anita for being neurotic, the style used to sell me on the series: It's just that when her neuroses lead to one conclusion every single time that I got sick of it.

Anyway:

Quote :
A howl cut the night in a long, mournful line.

Since when does a line describe any sound, ever? No, seriously. When was the last time you heard a sound and immediately thought to yourself, "That sounds sad, and as though it's coming from exactly bearing 157 degrees"?

Quote :
There were growls and a sharp whimper, cut short so I knew that someone was hurt, maybe dead. Would they really kill each other for the privilege?

You're a Mary Sue, so... yes.

Quote :
Real wolves didn't do this shit. Only people could take a nice, sane animal and screw it up this badly.

People like sexually frustrated urban fantasy authors. Anyway, Anita tries to buy time by hiding in a hollow log.

Quote :
The munin thought Richard might save us.

Wait, "us"? Is Anita Gollum now?

Quote :
That thought scared me all on its own. Richard was sort of squeamish when it came to killing.

Again, making his position as leader of a bunch of instinctively homicidal supernatural creatures all that much more ridiculous.

Quote :
The thought that he might get himself killed trying to save me was almost worse than me getting caught. I would probably survive being raped. I wasn't sure at all I'd survive Richard's death.

"Genius!" Laurell K. Hamilton thought to herself, "stoically brushing off rape firmly establishes Anita as a badass who will shoulder any burden and kill anyone who gets in her way as long as her friends are safe!"

Quote :
Of course, having never been raped, maybe I was jumping to conclusions. Maybe I wouldn't survive.

She sure has a lot of pondering time in this here hollow log while a legion of superhuman beasts sniffs her out.

"Oh shit," Hamilton thought to herself, "I accidentally removed all the tension from this scene! Maybe I need to give Anita a little reality check before I go any further."

So as the werewolves bash each other apart around her tree trunk, Anita narrowly escapes, disemboweling one werewolf with her knife, only to be punched in the chin by another random werewolf.

Quote :
I didn't pass out, my body went limp. The knife fell from my fingers, and I couldn't stop it. Part of me was screaming silently. The other part was saying, "Oh, what pretty trees."

The signature of an author who's lost her way: Suddenly remembering a character trait like a hard-boiled sense of humor, and desperately trying to inject it into a scene without any sense of timing.

Quote :
When I could move again, my jeans were halfway down my thighs. The only thing that kept me that much dressed was the jeans were tight and wet with blood.

The pants were dead and the dirt was messy and bloody from headcrabs

Quote :
"Roland, don't do this."

I've completely forgotten who this completely forgettable character is, and I'm not sorry.

Quote :
He kept pulling on my jeans like I hadn't said anything. I didn't want him to hit me again. If I passed out, it was all over. He was having trouble getting my jeans over my Nikes, because the jeans won't go over my Nikes.

Buy Nikes: Because if you buy New Balance, You Gon' Get Raped.

Anyway, Anita tries to buy time by... telling Roland he needs to remove the Nikes first? She's got a very strange idea of stalling for time.

Quote :
He pinned my jeans with his knee and started taking off his shirt. The shirt was okay. I was fine with that. He had a nice chest, pleasant to look at. As long as his pants stayed on, I was fine. Where the hell was Richard?

Wait, if whoever can "claim" her wins, why is he wasting time with his shirt, or getting her pants all the way off? If all he has to do is start fucking her, all he has to do is drop his pants, tear her underwear off/down, and get going. For a wild, animalistic sex ritual of conquest, this is awfully sedate.

Oh wait, because it has to be with Richard. Right. So have some imaginary beefcake until he shows up.

Anyway, Roland remembers how rape works:

Quote :
I was betting Roland didn't wear underwear.

How long does it take for this to be resolved? THE NEXT FUCKING SENTENCE.

Quote :
I won my bet.

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Quote :
Roland pushed his jeans to his knees and seemed to think that was sufficient, because he started to crawl up my legs. Oh, this was romantic.

When you cast a magic "Whoever rapes me wins" spell, being sarcastic about the outcome is just crass.

Anyway, a wereleopard tackles Roland off of her at the last second, and Anita yanks up her pants and follows Nathaniel the Useless through the trees until he decides to make a stand. I'll spare you the overwrought, DBZ-esque dialogue pledging protection to her, then the narration gets even dumber.

Quote :
The thought came that it would be all over if I had sex. It would end then, and only then.

Jean-Claudes in the immediate area: 0
Richards: 1

Quote :
Raina came back in full force, spilling through me. She wanted Nathaniel, and that she could not have, not with my body. Fucking Nathaniel would be like child molesting. I wouldn't do it.

I am pretty sure she does it in the next novel down or so, though. Anyway, she decides Zane would do, or Raina does, so she refuses. The over-the-top description of her arousal seems to imply she could simply curl into an infinitely small ball from all the "tightness" of "something low in my stomach" going on, but she holds firm... sort of, deciding to make a run for it back to the cabins. Zane makes a stand, suddenly learning what it means to be an alpha or some shit.

And Jason's there, but... again, all this anime-esque declaring of honorable battlefield shit in the face of Anita's honor is so goddamn overwrought, I'm skipping it. Anyway, they all make it back to the cabin and the loving embrace of Anita's vampire buddies, where the horror movie begins.

Quote :
Hands pushed past the end of the table. Asher took one hand off the table to smash the wrist like match wood. There was a scream, and the hand pulled back.
He spoke as if he wasn't using almost all his strength to hold the table against the broken window. "May one ask why the local werewolf pack is trying to kill us?"
"They're not trying to kill us," Jason said, "They're trying to fuck her."

That sounds like it demands an explanation.

Quote :
"What is going on?" Damian said.
"Later," Jason said.

There's absolutely no time whatsoever to say, "Anita was possessed by a dead were-rapist and accidentally cast a 'rape me if you can' spell," is there?

Quote :
"Later, Jason said. His eyes almost looked wild. "Ask me why Richard told me to stay with you."
I stared at him. "Okay, why did Richard tell you to stay with me?"

"Because I'm the designated driver." No, really.

Quote :
"This ends when you have sex with any of the lukoi."
I stared at him harder. "Come again."

Huhuhuhuhuh. Hard. Huhuhuhuhuh. Come.

Quote :
"If it looks like anyone else will get there first, he told me to do it."
"Do it?" I said. "You mean, do me."
Jason had the grace to look down. He nodded.

In this context, are you sure he's nodding, or alternating between your tits* and crotch**?***

*barely contained by a black underwire bra and nothing else
**encased in tight, bloody jeans
***just in case you forgot

So, Anita collects her guns to show that she isn't down with the idea.

Quote :
"I didn't say I liked the plan," Jason said. "I may joke about it, and I would love to be with you, but Jean-Claude is my master, too. He'd kill me."
I glanced at Asher. He gave a very small nod. "Probably."
"And if you let someone else get to me because you were squeamish?" I let it be a question.
"Richard doesn't kill easily," Jason said, "but if I let someone rape you, for that he'd make an exception."

Your taste in men is the worst, Anita.

...Eh, she just has to work the bad boy phase out of her system. Ten years from now she'll be totally over it and settle for a dumpy, randomly impotent accountant with a combover.

The cabin siege gets completely ridiculous, Anita half-seduces Damien before regaining control of the clenching "something low in her stomach." Oh, and apparently this is sexy:

Quote :
I pressed my body against him. The Firestar was still in the front of my pants. The gun pressed into his groin. I ground it into him and he made a small pain sound.

my baaaaaaaaaaaalls

If you're unsure of how unsexy this is, imagine somebody shoving and grinding a rock in your crotch.

Anyway, the siege keeps getting more and more ridiculous until somebody simply knocks on the door.

Quote :
Maybe Asher figured that out for himself, because he asked, "Who is it?" Very civilized.
The answer shocked us all, I think. "It's Richard."

I KNOW RIGHT

I NEVER SAW THAT COMING

Anyway, Richard comes in and they immediately start making out. Richard, being a gentleman, wants to make sure she consents to the rape, though.

Quote :
"Now, like this?"
The question was too hard for me. I curled my fingers against his hands, trying to move them from my face. I started tugging at his hands. "Kiss me, please, kiss me. Please, Richard, please!" I was crying and couldn't have said why.

Maybe it's because it's the final nail in the coffin, the end of Anita as we know her?

Quote :
"If you take her like this, it will be very like rape," Asher said.
"I'm going to try very hard for it not to be," Richard said.

Oh, well, that makes it okay then. Anyway, everyone leaves them alone so this travesty can happen.

Quote :
I reached for him, crying, "Richard, please, please."

As Anita narrates earlier, "I wanted to say, 'who writes your dialogue?' but I didn't."

Quote :
He whispered against my cheek, "If at any time you want to stop, say so, and it's over. I'll go."
I made a small sound very like a whimper, and said, "Fuck me, Richard, fuck me, please."

And THAT should magically dispel all rape connotations from this godawful story, yet still leave Anita's cheating on Jean-Claude morally justifiable. WELL DONE.

Anyway, there's more making out during which Anita goes about moaning and sobbing like a porn actress, gratuitous stripping, some bullshit dialog... and we learn that Richard is a well-cooked turkey. No, that's not a cock euphemism, seriously, read this shit:

Quote :
The perfect golden brown of his skin uninterrupted from the curve of his calves to the narrowness of his hips, the swelling of his groin, the flat hardness of his chest, and the sweep of his shoulders. His hair fell across one side of his face in a golden brown mass that left half his face in shadow.

A well-cooked, emo turkey.

Quote :
He slid one hand between my thighs. One finger slid inside me. I shuddered, head back, eyes closed.
"You're wet," he said.
I opened my eyes and stared down at him. "I know." My voice sounded breathy.

She's spent the last, what, four hours being magically aroused? I'm surprised she hasn't rocketed to the moon on a high-pressure fountain of vaginal secretions.

Quote :
"Raina was like that."

...if the only woman who's ever been wet for you before was a "sociopathic nymphomaniac sadomasochist" and everyone else was bone dry...

No, it still doesn't explain the ridiculous mental disorders of everyone in this universe. So he goes down on her, and this stimulates Anita until Raina leaves, and then things just get plain gross.

Quote :
His mouth was glistening. He used the remains of his shirt to wipe his mouth. He said, "I could always go brush my teeth."
I just shook my head. "Don't you dare." I held my arms out to him.

And then they fuck. First missionary, which Richard is apparently too heavy for so propping himself up on his own arms is somehow different from the missionary position, and then he almost changes. So they roll over and Anita's on top...

Quote :
I slid over him, and he was almost too big from this angle, almost too much. It was more intense with me on top, sharper somehow. A small moan escaped him.

Like everything about Richard, it's "almost too big." Everything from his muscles to his weight to his cock. Everything's to the "almost too big" side of perfect. This whiny fucking bitch is so huge and manly and in charge of a pack of animals all instinctively vying for dominance by any means necessary and somehow he's in charge and this desirable woobie that the formerly tough and independent protagonist turns into a begging pansy for with his perfect genetic tan and huge muscles without exposed veins and what the fuck this guy is the cover of Atlas Shrugged

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I mean what the fuck though this guy couldn't lead a three year old to the crapper but he's somehow in charge of a bunch of savage supernatural creatures that look to him for guidance even though he couldn't fight to save anything that isn't a bullshit endangered FUCKING SPECIES OH MY GOD I HATE THIS CHARACTER SO MUCH I COULD FUCKING STRANGLE A MANATEE TO DEATH IN THE NUDE

WHAT THE FUCK HOW DID ALL MY INTESTINES GET IN MY PANTS

Quote :
"I love you Richard. I love you." I moved above him with him so deep inside me, it felt like I should be able to taste him.

WHAT

That seriously sounds like something you'd threaten do to someone, like, MOTHERFUCKER I'LL SHOVE MY COCK SO FAR UP YOUR ASS MY PRECUM WILL QUENCH YOUR THIRST

ON WHAT PLANET IS THIS MEANT TO BE EROTIC

Apparently this one, because she spends the next page describing their mutual orgasm.

Quote :
He laughed, and it was joyous. He raised my face to his and kissed me lightly and carefully. "I love you too," he said.

FINALLY THE ENTIRE POINT OF THIS STUPID FUCKING LONG DRAWN OUT STORY HAS BEEN ACCOMPLISHED

I'M SO FUCKING DONE WITH THI-

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S ONLY HALFWAY DONE WHAT IS THIS MY KIDNEY FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU

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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Fri Jun 22, 2012 11:15 am

Amazing.
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Fri Jun 22, 2012 12:26 pm

Why would you strangle a nude manatee?

In other news, you're brilliant as ever, dood.
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PostSubject: Re: Blue Moon snark   Fri Jun 22, 2012 1:43 pm

So happy to see this revived! Been proper lol-ing all evening!


Quote :
WHAT THE FUCK HOW DID ALL MY INTESTINES GET IN MY PANTS


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