Watchmen -The Sam Hamm Script

As I'm sure most of you know, "Watchmen" has tried to make it to the big
screen many times in the last 20 years. However, none of the scripts produced
in these years were as bizarre and off the mark as Sam Hamm's script. It seems
to completely disregard the source material and keeps only the names of the
characters the same.
BEHOLD.

Just like the graphic novel, the movie begins in 1976 during a
terrorist...attack...at the Statue of Liberty.

...Wait, what?

Quote :

2. JERSEY CITY PIER - DAY
A live news update. Network correspondent CINDY CHAN stands at the
edge of the dock, the statue plainly visible in the distance behind
her.

CINDY
-- insist that the situation is under control. Authorities have just
agreed to the release of nine Radical Front prisoners in hopes of
freeing the hostages.
(adjusting her hair)
We repeat: terrorists have taken Liberty Island, and are holding some
forty hostages -- including tourists and maintenance workers --
captive in the Statue of Liberty itself.
...
[TERRORIST] RINGLEADER
Good. We got forty innocent people here. One false move . . . and
we blow her brains out.

SWAT CAPTAIN (O.S.)
(filter; from walkie-talkie)
Blow whose brains out?

5. EXT. STATUE - THAT MOMENT
TIGHT on the ring of OBSERVATION WINDOWS situated just below the
jutting spikes of the CROWN. CAMERA PULLS BACK rapidly to take in
the whole of the statue's head.

RINGLEADER (O.S.)
(a nasty laugh)
Lady Liberty, my friend. Lady Liberty's brains!

What the fuck.

Anyway our brave heroes arrive in Archie the Owlship to save the day, much to
the chagrin of the SWAT captain.

Quote :

SWAT CAPTAIN (O.S.)
Christ almighty, it's the goddamned Watchmen!

GET IN THE SQUAD CAR!

The group of vigilantes (Known as The Watchmen in this script also) manage to
save the hostages, but not without pissing off every cop in New York and
turning everyone against them. Oh, and blowing up Lady Liberty.

SUDDENLY TEN YEARS LATER: The Comedian dies. Rorschach investigates.
This scene seems almost alright.
Then we get introduced to Dan.

Quote :

VOICE
Hold up, papa-san!

Oh no! Otakus!

Dan almost gets attacked by a group of Top-Knots, but the now brutal police
force chases them away in a helicopter. Sure, why not.

Dan returns home to find a certain someone eating his food...

Quote :

RORSCHACH
Hiya, pardner. Long time no see.

:redangry:

Quote :

RORSCHACH -- who couldn't care less --
emits his trademark hissing GROWL.

What?! That's not how you spell "hurm"!

Veidt is blandly introduced. I'll spare you the boring details. He boringly
goes to visit Laurie and Manhattan. Manhattan puts on pants so not to offend
Adrian's delicate nature or something. Things start to play out a little more
closely to the comic, but the characterization is still pretty off.

Quote :

DREIBERG
The pisser is, nobody ever remembers all the good shit we did. I
mean, we were heroes!
...
DREIBERG
Psychotic pig. He had it coming.
...
It's a fucking Gestapo! Dirty
tricks -- political assassinations --

Calm the fuck down, Dan!

Laurie gets cancer and is given 6 months to live. Various lines are botched in
the next few scenes, notably:

Quote :

In the famous words of General William Westmoreland,
"Yes, Virginia,
there is a Superman -- and thank God, he's American."

Ugh.

Manhattan has his flashbacks which are changed into schlocky moments with Janey
Slater and a scene where he chases a mouse of the test chamber. That's now he
gets stuck. Really. Manhattan buggers off to Mars and Moloch brings chicks home
to screw! Moloch also does coke! Pretend like this makes sense.

Rorschach gets worse:

Quote :

RORSCHACH
Two things I hate. Street mimes . . . users of recreational
drugs.
...
VEIDT
What is that ungodly smell?

RORSCHACH, abashed, lets out a timid version of his trademark
HISS.
...
RORSCHACH
Hnnrr. -- Like to masturbate. Shit once a day.

Heeeeee's nutty!

In this new and terrifying vision of the future Sam Hamm has created for us,
Nickelodeon has started marketing slime as a beauty aid.

Quote :

Onscreen,
the WOMAN at the vanity opens a jar and smear LIME-GREEN GOO on her
face:

TV ANNOUNCER
The years melt away with NOSTALGIA. Use it once a week -- and
wrinkles vanish overnight. Medically tested, non-habit-forming
NOSTALGIA is the patented beauty cream that actually reverses
the aging process . . .

Dan and Laurie start to flirt...

Quote :

He's slow dancing with LAURIE, their faces
illuminated by the cold blue flicker of the television. With a smile
she reaches up to remove his glasses, then deposits them in his shirt
pocket.

"Why, Mister Dreiberg, you're ravishing."

The plot plods along. The cops and Dan get into a dogfight for the hell of it
(instead of Dan and Laurie helping the people out of the burning building).

Quote :

CTU LOUDSPEAKER
UNREGISTERED CRAFT. IDENTIFY YOURSELF.

OWLSHIP LOUDSPEAKER
BABY . . . WE'RE A BLAST FROM THE PAST.

Sassy!

For some reason "Big Figure" is renamed Little Bigger. Somehow Hamm
thought that was better, I guess.

But now it's time for Dan and Laurie to be Big Damn Heroes!

Quote :

DREIBERG
Long as we're on the subject of perverts . . .
(turning to face her)
I miss Rorschach. Let's spring him.

ಠ_ಠ

The group discovers Adrian's insidious plot while Laurie begs Manhattan to return
to Earth cure her of cancer.

And then shit gets wacky. Spoiler for long, crazy quote.

Spoiler:

What?! I just-What?!

The squid was crazy enough!

Adrian's plan is to go back in time and SHOOT JON OSTERMAN SO THAT MANHATTAN IS
NEVER BORN.

GENIUS! ALAN MOORE WOULD BE PROUD.

Quote :

RORSCHACH
. . . And they call me a fucking nut.

Couldn't have said it better myself, Rorschach.

Quote :

DREIBERG
And what if you're wrong?

VEIDT
I'm not.

DREIBERG
What if you're wrong??

VEIDT
Then I've been a very bad boy and you'll have to spank me.

deviantArt START YOUR ENGINES!

Quote :

In the past, JON OSTERMAN is reaching for his lab coat when
he hears a SQUEAK.

...Hey wait, why didn't Adrian just kill the mouse instead of Jon?! That
asshole mouse started this whole mess!

Quote :

DR. MANHATTAN
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, VEIDT?

Well, that's the million dollar question, isn't it?!

Quote :

VEIDT looks up in horror, just in time to see a BLUE BOLT OF
LIGHTNING launching itself from DR. MANHATTAN¹s outstretched finger --

VEIDT
NO!!!!

-- and in the wink of an eye, he's VAPORIZED. All that's left is a pair of
CHARRED BOOTS, still standing upright.

I hope these were the boots.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :

DR. MANHATTAN
My work here is finished . . .

"I HAVE TO GO NOW
MY PLANET NEEDS ME."

Quote :

241. EXT.
VORTEX EFFECT
DREIBERG, LAURIE and RORSCHACH spinning and tumbling through an
otherdimensional funhouse of sound and color. If space and time
could be compressed into a single extravagant E-ticket joyride, this
would be it. Their bodies contract and distend, warp and elongate;
their tortured mouths emit soundless shrieks; and then, before they
know it, they find themselves deposited --

242. EXT. NEW YORK STREET - NIGHT
-- smack in the middle of a busy intersection. The three of them
materialize from nowhere; a southbound VAN swerves to avoid them,
slamming into a row of parked cars, and a northbound TAXICAB does the
same, knocking over a fire hydrant.

It's a disorienting world they've landed in. In fact, it's
our world, our New York, and everything -- the cars,
the clothing, the very look of the city -- seems just a trifle out of
whack . . .

WELCOME...TO THE WORLD OF TOMORROW!

Quote :

243. EXT. NEWSSTAND - THAT MOMENT
The same newsstand we've seen all along -- but luckily, here in our
world, the headlines are only mildly discouraging: "RUSSIAN SUMMIT
TALKS COLLAPSE." Like everyone else, our old friend the NEWS VENDOR
is gaping at the ruckus on the street.

NEWS VENDOR
Jesus Christ, it must be Halloween.

His sidekick, the small black KID who reads comic books, points to
the befuddled trio on the street and LAUGHS in gleeful recognition.

KID
Shit, man! It's Rorschach! And Night Owl!

NEWS VENDOR
What are you talkin' about?

KID
Superheroes! Check it out!

He thrusts a COMIC BOOK into the NEWS VENDOR's hand and races off to
join the growing throng of rubberneckers. The NEWS VENDOR stares
down at the costumed characters in the comic book -- "WATCHMEN" --
then throws a cockeyed squint at their real-life counterparts on the
street.

...My brain.

Quote :

DREIBERG, LAURIE, and RORSCHACH have fallen into a tight
circle.
They don't know what to expect and they're poised for a brawl. The
taunting crowd gives them plenty of room; even the COPS are hesitant
to advance.

LAURIE
Dan -- what do we do now?

DREIBERG
(panicked)
Wherever we are, it's better than what we left. Backs together --

LAURIE
We'll tell them what's happened. They'll listen to reason, won't
they -- ?

RORSCHACH
They'd better.

And on RORSCHACH's final vicious HISS, we SHOCK CUT TO BLACK and

FADE OUT.

THE END





THOUGHTS?!

Better than the one that got made

Is there anyone more OOC than Dan in this script?

HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

The ending of this script might make a good beginning for a completely different movie.

Oh man I remember this posted before. Ugh ugh ugh, it's no less painful the second time around.

Fuck it, I'll come right out and say it.

I want to see this as a movie. I do. I want to see Rorschach's "trademark hissing GROWL."

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THAT ISSSSS