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 ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"

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Lysander
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PostSubject: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Wed Jan 13, 2010 1:13 pm

Oh, WGW. I have contracted some form of dread disease. When your internal organs feel like they've begun imploding in on themselves, there isn't much you can do, except stay in bed, and get angry at some shitty comics.

This is A New Hope: Infinities, a terrible four issue fanfic describing what would have happened if Luke did not destroy the first Death Star. It suffers from two major problems: a serious lack of creative thought, and the fact that it came out in mid 2001. That last fact will become relevant toward the end.

How little creativity went into this project? Well, let's look at the first issue.

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Now, I assume everyone here has seen the very first Star Wars movie at least once, right? It's one of the most popular films of all time. I think it's safe to assume that my audience is familiar with it. If I were to publish a Star Wars comic book, I would feel doubly assured of this. If you are buying this hypothetical comic, then surely I would not need to recap to you the series of events culminating in the destruction of the first Death Star at the climax of the movie.

Well, this book does recap the first movie.

For SEVEN PAGES. That's including a two-page spread of Luke firing the not-history-making shot at the end of the trench run that I assure you is totally necessary.

The story itself begins when Luke's weapon malfunctions and explodes prematurely, which might be why he had so much trouble keeping a girlfriend in regular continuity. Thus, the Death Star is not destroyed. Before they can turn around, the surviving rebels are swamped by TIEs.

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Or at least, somebody is. Only three rebel fighters survived the attack on the Death Star: Luke, Wedge, and Keyan Farlander. I don't know where the hell all these other Y-Wings are coming from. They immediately vanish, along with Wedge and Farlander, so I guess it doesn't matter.

It's too late to stop the Death Star, now. Tarkin orders the weapon to fire (again). The lasers charge, and . . . and . . . .

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OUT OF ORDER?! FUCK, EVEN IN THE FUTURE, NOTHING WORKS!

Yes, the Death Star has blown a gasket. Instead of blowing up the jungle moon, it just jiggers it a little, and also turns Threepio's head into Mister Peanut. The Rebels take the opportunity to pile into evac transports, while the Imperials race against time to change the Death Star's spark plugs.

Finally, Tarkin walks over and just smacks the shit out of the console, causing it to fire.

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Okay, on the one hand, the Galaxy is doomed. On the other, KEN IS DEAD! Excitedplz

The Rebel leaders escape the blast, but before they have time to make the jump to hyperspace, Vader has recovered control over his craft, rallied the remaining TIEs, and surrounded them. With that, the Empire manages to win a still somewhat embarrassing victory over the Rebels at Yavin 4.

Meanwhile, Luke and Han have become separated from the group. The destruction of the moon and supposed death of the Rebels causes Luke to fly into a homicidal rage, and he begins blasting TIEs left and right. Luke snaps out of it when he hears the voice of Obi-Wan, telling him not to give in to his anger. I don't know why he should listen to him, though. Obi-Wan is the one who told him to trust the Force, and look at where that got him.

Well, they're still surrounded by TIEs, and Han says that the only way out is through Yavin 4's expanding debris field. Because, we've already wasted seven pages recycling ANH, so why not waste four more tracing screenshots of it's sequel? After meticulously recreating the asteroid chase from ESB, they escape.

Tarkin greets the captured Leia on the Death Star, asking her if she has anything snarky to say now. She admits she doesn't, because that would require the writers to think. Tarkin smiles. This lack of creativity bodes well for the Empire . . . .
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Lysander
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Wed Jan 13, 2010 2:05 pm

As Issue 2 starts up, Han and Luke recover somewhere in space. Luke is . . . not well.

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There are differences, and the two are forced to resolve their them over a silly face contest by Obi-Wan's ghost. He tells Luke to get his ass to the Dagobah system post-haste.

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Meanwhile, the Death Star has arrived at Courscant. In what is almost good enough to replace my current avatar, Leia displays her sunny mood.

Fortunately, the Emperor is also very happy, and decides to spare her. It's all he can do to keep from yelling "HA! I BLEW UP YOUR HOME PLANET! IN YOUR FACE, PRINCESS!" He says that she has her uses, meaning that she can probably build him a house. I say that, because he's living in the Jedi Temple in this book, for some reason. You'd think the Emperor could afford a palace.

Luke and Han land on Dagobah, so that we can recycle more of ESB. Not posting any of it, watch the film.

What follows next is one of the actually interesting scenes. Vader comes to visit Leia (who is dressed like Lex Luthor's assistant Mercy, for some reason). He allows her to handle Obi-Wan's lightsaber, which she ignites and attacks him with. She pounds away at his defenses, crying tears of rage, until she finally tires and recognizes the futility of it. Then, she tries to kill herself.

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Unfortunately, she chooses to announce this fact first, giving Vader an ample amount of time to stop her. What is this, a cry for attention? He's never going to buy you that pony, Leia.

Another four pages ripped right from ESB, only with Han and Chewie added. For Christ's sake, they copied the dialogue straight from the script and inserted new characters. I've had fics kicked off the Pit for doing this. Finally, Han and Chewie leave Dagobah, promising to return for Luke when the time is right for the Jedi to emerge.

Vader confront Leia again, and tells her that the Emperor is dying. Ugh, what? How? When? He implies that there is a chance for her to join them, and possibly even take the throne, someday. From that position, she could do a lot of good for the Galaxy . . .

More pages from ESB. Luke enters the evil cave, and confronts an evil vision of Darth Vader. They clash, and Luke beheads him, only to discover . . . .

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. . . that Leia gives head after all.
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Knorg
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Wed Jan 13, 2010 2:34 pm

Good job Lysander, I'm laughing my arse off so far. I'm a have to glue it back on.
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Wed Jan 13, 2010 2:46 pm

It's now five years later. Without the Rebellion to serve, Han and Chewie have spent that time doing what it is they do best:

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. . . sleeping with alien strippers.

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However, they catch a news broadcast that reveals Leia in her new guise of Darth Hitler.

For some reason, the appearance of a woman who he met once years ago and didn't even really like sends Han into a rage, causing him to smash the holoprojector. Through a series of events too stupid to even show, this triggers a small-scale war. No, really. He's pursued by a Star Destroyer at one point. Mostly, it's them running down hallways while lasers wizz around them. If you've seen Star Wars, you've seen this.

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Meanwhile, Luke has joined the Awesome Side of the Force.

Luke goes back to the cave, and it shows him Vader again, because it's also out of ideas. Then, it shows him Darth Maul and Qui-Gon Jinn, because Phantom Menace was still fairly new, at this point.

This triggers a conversation about Luke's family, where . . . .

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WHY WAS THIS WRITTEN?! HALF OF IT IS COPY/PASTED STRAIGHT FROM THE MOVIES! I'VE SEEN THE MOVIES!

Han shows up, Leia's becoming a Sith, blah blah blah.

Finally, after much recycled dialogue, they announce that they're going to Coruscant to stop the Emperor once and for all, and that Yoda is coming with.

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They've got their work cut out for them. The newly rechristened "Justice Star" ( :headshot: ) is there, along with the entire Imperial fleet.

Leia and Vader are chillin' in the Temple, where Leia gloats over the fact that the Emperor was not well enough to take part in the celebration. She leaves, and in the very next panel, the Emperor is standing right where she had been, so I guess he was in the room the entire time she was talking. Awkward. He tells Vader that the time to destroy the Jedi is at hand.

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The Falcon screams towards the Couscant system, and Yoda says something that, with hindsight, will seem utterly horrible.
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Wed Jan 13, 2010 3:27 pm

Well damn.
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Lysander
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Wed Jan 13, 2010 3:39 pm

We've come to the last issue. The crew of the Falcon must slip past the entire Imperial starfleet, infiltrate Palpatine's residence, defeat the Sith, rescue Leia from herself, and somehow end the reign of the Empire, all by themselves.

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Fortunately, EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE IMPERIAL FLEET IS BLIND AND IMMENSELY STUPID, so nobody recognizes the Falcon or shoots it down.

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Yoda instructs Han to land on the "Justice" Star. He mind tricks the Stormies, and forces them to give the Falcon clearance to land. He chooses to remain behind on the station, saying that he'd like to drop in and see how Tarkin is doing.

The Falcon lands at the Jedi Temple, and Han elects to go with Luke and rescue the Princess. Why?

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Um, Han? You already got a reward for saving her.

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Remember? You were loading boxes and boxes of valuables onto the Falcon? You lost the chance to pay off Jabba in time, because you turned around and went back to help the Rebels?

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Meanwhile, Yoda has caught up to Tarkin. Far from the whimsical old man we all know and love, Yoda is coming off as a little . . . threatening. He grabs Tarkin with the Force, and says that he would like to witness the Death Star's power first hand . . . .

Luke and Han stop to fight some Royal Guards, who all have Darth Maul double-sabers, because Phantom Menace was new at the time. Goes about how you'd expect. Soon, they arrive in Palpatine's chamber. Luke confronts Leia, as Han . . .

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. . . is captured by Threepio? What the fuck?

Anyway, the confrontation goes exactly like it does in ROTJ. Luke redeems Leia, Vader learns that she is his daughter . . . .

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YODA HIJACKS THE DEATH STAR AND GOES COMPLETELY APE SHI- wait. Oh my god?

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MY GOD? WHAT GOD? Is the commander of that Star Destroyer a devout Christian? How did that get past editorial?

The final battle continues to not change from ROTJ. Leia refuses to fight her brother, the Emperor tries to electrocute them, and Vader stops him. There's no pit to toss him down, so the Han and the Skywalker Twins run for the Falcon. The Emperor subdues Vader and is about to give chase, when the most gloriously stupid thing in the history of Star Wars happens.

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What does he mean? Yoda's still on the Death St-

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. . . no.

No way. This started publishing in mid 2001. He couldn't possibly . . . .

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THEY DID.


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YODA DID COSMIC 9/11.

TRILLIONS DEAD.

COUSCANT DESTROYED.

WHAT.

THE FUCK.


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FUCK YOU JEDI BABY KILLERS! I HATE THIS COMIC! THE END!
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EileenK98
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Wed Jan 13, 2010 4:29 pm

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Who is responsible for this ass-raping of my favorite movie? WHO?
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Keith Fraser
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Wed Jan 13, 2010 5:50 pm

Oh boy, I remember skimming this long, long ago in a bookshop far, far away. You pointed out a lot of stuff I'd missed/forgotten, but I certainly remember Yoda suicide-ramming the Death Star into Coruscant. Aside from the obvious horrific moral implications (Wookiepedia gives Coruscant's population as around 1 trillion; ramming a 100km radius object into it at orbital velocity would surely kill most or all of them, probably massively exceeding or at least rivalling the number of people the Emperor killed), it leads to some Fridge Logic: if Yoda was willing and able to annihilate the Emperor with extreme prejudice by taking control of a warship and ramming it into a city, why didn't he do it years ago?
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Wed Jan 13, 2010 8:01 pm

Wow, that is some astoundingly bad artwork, the characters are unrecognisable half the time and the Empire seems to have acquired a fleet of fat Hs.
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Wed Jan 13, 2010 10:24 pm

And if Palpatine has mastered his cloning and soul transfers in this universe, then the twins and Han will have to face his reborn self with the galaxy even MORE chaotic than it was when he came back in the canon timeline.
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Sat Jan 16, 2010 11:29 am

Lysander wrote:
Luke confronts Leia, as Han . . . is captured by Threepio? What the fuck?
Well, it's not the first time he and Vader have ever worked together.
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Sat Jan 16, 2010 1:34 pm

HO. LEE. CRAP.

That's hilariously awful, from the absolutely moronic storyline to the bad art, and Yoda the Mass Murdering Maniac. In one panel alone I counted fourteen Super Star Destroyers. Where is the Empire getting the funds for all this crap?
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Knorg
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Sat Jan 16, 2010 1:39 pm

I bet the Death Star allowed them to get some very competative manufacturing rates in the negotiations. That or they outsourced to a shithole third world crap pit like Tatooine. Those look like* Super Star Destroyers but probably fly like chop-shopped Ladas under the hood.


*Apparantly, anyway. I couldn't say as I'm not that nerdy. About the best I can do for Starship recognition is "Hey, Starbug!"
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Sat Jan 16, 2010 2:15 pm

Lysander wrote:
As Issue 2 starts up, Han and Luke recover somewhere in space. Luke is . . . not well.

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The horrible drawing, my god. *crawls into a corner saying "The horror, the horror!" over and over again*
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Sat Jan 16, 2010 4:11 pm

Knorg wrote:
I bet the Death Star allowed them to get some very competative manufacturing rates in the negotiations. That or they outsourced to a shithole third world crap pit like Tatooine.

Hm, so the Empire's military is kind of like Soviet Russia? That does make a scary amount of sense.

Clones got to be too expensive, so most Stormtroopers are just conscripts and fake plastic armor. That's why they can't hit anything. Then, when the budget for Star Destroyers was slashed, they licenced the design out to a bunch of Jawas, who hammered them together from scrap. That's why they explode like bombs when exposed to heavy combat at Endor.
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Sat Jan 16, 2010 8:53 pm

Fairlight wrote:
Wow, that is some astoundingly bad artwork, the characters are unrecognisable half the time and the Empire seems to have acquired a fleet of fat Hs.

I noticed they've taken two characters with not-too-different hair

Spoiler:
 

and made one proper blond and one brunette, so you can tell them apart at all. I mean seriously, these are twins or something. Same mouth, same eyebrows, same chin-dimple.

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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Sun Jan 17, 2010 8:04 am

Lysander wrote:


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Tarkin: "I knew I shouldn't have gone for the bargain-bin hooker."
Yoda: "A long time it has been. Thankful you should be my teeth I don't have anymore."
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Sun Jan 17, 2010 8:56 am

Reidmar wrote:
Lysander wrote:
As Issue 2 starts up, Han and Luke recover somewhere in space. Luke is . . . not well.

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The horrible drawing, my god. *crawls into a corner saying "The horror, the horror!" over and over again*

I'm reminded more of this than anything else:
Spoiler:
 
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Mon Aug 08, 2011 7:17 pm

Would now be a good time to mention there was an earlier, even worse pitch by Peter David wherein not only would the Empire have won hands-down, but Luke and Leia would have both not only joined the Dark Side, but done so as husband and wife? With kids on the way?

Be glad you got this and not David's take.
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Tue Aug 09, 2011 9:55 am

As a fan of both SW and alternate history, I have to say I thank my lucky stars I didn't waste any cash on this train wreck.
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Tue Aug 23, 2011 8:53 pm

Quote :
Would now be a good time to mention there was an earlier, even worse pitch by Peter David wherein not only would the Empire have won hands-down, but Luke and Leia would have both not only joined the Dark Side, but done so as husband and wife? With kids on the way?

If done right that could make a good dark AU comic. Think how much horror you could get just from those few lines!
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Tue Aug 23, 2011 11:30 pm

This thread reminded me of another Star Wars AU I simply thumbed through, I don't remember much of it, other than it being a retelling of Return of the Jedi I think. The bit that really stood out was at the end where Vader somehow survived after killing Palpatine and returned to the Light side. And since he's become a good guy, his outfit was a white version of his signature costume, which was hilariously wtf. It wouldn't happen to be connected to this series would it?
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Wed Aug 24, 2011 4:19 pm

kuroineko wrote:
This thread reminded me of another Star Wars AU I simply thumbed through, I don't remember much of it, other than it being a retelling of Return of the Jedi I think. The bit that really stood out was at the end where Vader somehow survived after killing Palpatine and returned to the Light side. And since he's become a good guy, his outfit was a white version of his signature costume, which was hilariously wtf. It wouldn't happen to be connected to this series would it?

Yes.

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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Wed Aug 24, 2011 6:54 pm

Thanks! I wondered where "Light" Vader came from, or is it Anakin by this point? And he still looks ridiculous in white. Oh, Palpatine didn't die, I must have confused that bit with canon.
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PostSubject: Re: ANH Infinities: "Genocide, I will commit! Yes!"   Wed Aug 24, 2011 7:29 pm

I'd actually like an AU Glove Of Darth Vader comic. I really wanna know how it could suck more than the source material, but I know there really is no reason why such a thing would ever be written. Teh sad.
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