Reunited and Passion Night: Having lube before sex

And now for the surviving two of Odiane's infamous Harry Potter yaoi trilogy:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3629680/1/Reunited
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3853633/1/Passion_Night

Quote :

"ATTENTION PLEASE! NOW THAT WE ARE ALL IN OUR NEW HOUSES I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE!” Dumbeldore said. “THIS YEAR WE HAVE A NEW STUDENT JOINING US! I KNO THAT YOU WILL ALL MAKE HER FEEL VERY WECLOME HERE!”


He looked at the doors and so did everyone else. They all stood there watching as the doors were pulled open and a girl strolled in. She has long black hair with icy blue streaks that flowed all the way down to her back and crystal clear eyes(A/N: Just like mine). She was wearing a thigh-length skirt and white button down shirt were the top three buttons were undone. She is wearing black boots with little chains on the sides. Her eyelashes were heavily mascarared and she was wearing black eyeliner. Her cherry red lips curved into a smile as she looked around the hall. Everyone in the Great Hall was staring at her in amazement. When she started to walk in several people noticed the lightning bolt shaped scar on her left breast(A/N: Its just like Harry’s scar).

“THIS IS AURORA IRIS POTTER!” Dumbledor said. “SHE IS HARRY POTTER’S TWIN SISTER. SHE IS ALSO THE ONE WHO DEFEATED THE DARK LORD.”

Yup, it's Ye Olde MS, with added disregard for the school dress code!

Quote :

The Severus was standing next to Albus and he was watching Harry in admiration. He had never before seen someone look so studly before.

However, another Severus who was working with McGonagall hated Harry's guts and wouldn't find him studly under any circumstances.

Quote :

Severus smiled. “You mean…proving that you can trust me still?”

Albus stood up. “You know the answer to that…if you do what you must”

Severus dimmed the lights and put on sexy music. The Albus stand against the desk and removed his cloak. Severus stripped out of his cloak and was standing there in his silk black thong. Albus bent himself over his desk and was waiting for Severus to come up to him. Severus ripped off his thong and let his 13 inch dick loose. It stuck straight out and Severus walked forward and rammed it right into Albus wrinkly ass. Albus moaned as a Severus thrusted into him repeatedly.

“WHO’S YOUR DADDY? HUH!” Severus yell spanking Albus ass cheek.

“YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE!” Albus screamed as Severus dick brushed his kidney and he came all over his desk. It spilled over the desk and start running all over the floor. Soon the entire floor was covered in it.

Severus pulled out right as he came and it went everywhere. All the old portraits of the heads got splashed and Fawkes was soon white instead of red. Albus swallowed what he could but most of went around the office. Albus and Severus got dressed and shook hands.

Now, you might think this sex scene is utterly ridiculous and anatomically incorrect, and it is. But it gets MUCH worse:

Quote :

"OH HARRY YOUR ASS IS SO TIGHT AND HOT I LOVE IT SO MUCH” Severus shouted.

“KEEP GOIIIIIIIING” Harry shouted.

Severus shoved really hard and hit Harry prostate and Harry jizz went everywhere but Severus didn’t stop. The entire class gasped as Severus dick went so far up it tore Harry prostate and kept going up and it rubbed against Harry womb and Harry came again at the same time as Severus and his jizz filled Harry womb.

First, there's no way in hell you'd EVER hear Alan Rickman say anything remotely approaching this. Second, I'd like to know exactly how the hell Harry managed to grow a womb.

Oh, but it doesn't end there. In "Passion Night," Lupin and Black have bestial sex (literally) that involves this classic exchange:

Quote :

“Are you ready for the real fun tonight?” Lupin asked.

Sirius smile. “Oh yeah”

“Its time for the passion night” Lupin said.

Ya know, at least James Bond movies are clever about working their titles into the dialogue. This is beyond lazy.

Quote :

Lupin got up and turned out the lights and put on the candles and put on the sexy music. Sirius smile and got ready. He turned around and waited. Lupin was happy and he shoved his 10 inch dick up Sirius butt.

“OH GOD LUPIN THAT FEELS GREEEEEEEEEEAT!” Sirius shouted. “MOVE FASTER!!!!!!!”

Lupin did what Sirius want and Sirius started moaning a lot more and more because it felt really really good. Lupin was moaning to but not as loud as Sirius.

“COME ON BABY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Sirius shouted.

“IF I GO ANY FASTER WE WILL BE AT HYPER SPEEEEEED!” Lupin shouted trying not to moan while he shouted.

I'd ask what the Millenium Falcon has to do with this, but maybe it's best that I don't know.

By the way, much is made of characters "having lube" before sex in both stories. Here be Odiane's explanation why:

Quote :

I don’t know what lube is but everyone was bitching about me not have lube in the story so I put it in there. I think it’s a sex act or something because they was talking about how you have to have lube before sex so I guess lube is kinda like orel sex only different because you need it. So now people will have lube before sex so no one will get mad.

This is what happens when you're too stupid to look anything up on Google, folks. And she never once listens when anyone tries to tell her what lube really is. She keeps bulling her own way and writing more HAWT lube action. Or rather, kept because she never finished "Reunited" in the first place. It's still just hanging there, and frankly, we're better off for it.

At the risk of spoiling the fun (and this fic series is filled with lulz and unintentional win), didn't this turn out to be a troll?

Being a troll doesn't stop it from being snarkable.

Quote :

Hi welcome to my next story it is really really good I promise you won’t be sad when you read it because its good. if you like Reunited you will like this and if you not like Reunited you will still like this. Be nice.

Always a promising start.

Quote :

Sirius and Lupin was on the bed and they was both naked. Sirius was a dog form and Lupin was on the bed and Sirius as the dog was licking Lupin balls and Lupin loved it.

This is beyond IKEA Erotica. This goes right through boring and out the other side, and becomes funny. Reminds me a bit of this from How Not To Write A Novel:

Quote :

There were naked actors standing around the pornography studio: three women and one man. Two other actors were having sex on a bed.

Quote :

“OH GOD SIRIUS THAT FEELS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD!” Lupin shouted.

I don't want to know what's jammed the writer's O key.

Quote :

Sirius barked happily and continued to lick and Lupin screamed louder and louder and louder. A few minutes later he came all over the place and covered Sirius as the dog in jizz. Sirius drinked what he could and then transform back into a man.

If you find this image remotely erotic then you need help.

Quote :

“That was sooooo awesome” Lupin said.

Lupin the valley girl.

Quote :

“Its time for the passion night” Lupin said.

Title drop ZOMG SO CLEVER!!!111eleventy!

Quote :

Lupin was happy and he shoved his 10 inch dick up Sirius butt.

Who the fuck is doing the measuring anyway? Was there a ruler sitting by the bed?

Quote :

“COME ON BABY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Sirius shouted.
“IF I GO ANY FASTER WE WILL BE AT HYPER SPEEEEEED!” Lupin shouted trying not to moan while he shouted.

Quote :

Sirius was enjoying it lots when suddenly Lupin stopped a little. Sirius was sad but then he saw that Lupin was changing very quickly. It was a full moon night and Lupin was changing into the werewolf and Sirius saw this but he didn’t move. He felt Lupin dick get even bigger and go further and further into Sirius butt and he moaned even louder. Lupin stopped transforming and started moving faster again but he was still the werewolf.

Okay then.

It appears that "jizz" (which appears 8 times in 658 words) is the only word for semen she knows. As far as I'm concerned the fluid fixation can DIAF, but even if you are turned on by that kind of stuff it's hard to imagine that this boringly-written drivel will do anything.

Ah Reunited, a troll fic that delvers! So amazingly bad it's funny.

I just have to share a couple of my favorite quotes...

Quote :

“How were things with
Sev last night?” Mione asked with a wink.“We had lube last
night. We didn’t have sex” Harry said.Mione gasped. “Why
didn’t you have sex too?”“Lube is really
tiring if you have lube for one hour” Harry said. “So much jizz
came out during lube that we decided not to have sex too”“That’s amazing!”
Mione exclaimed. “Maybe Dray and I should have lube tonight instead
of sex”“Well lube is good
but sex is always better if you have lube first” Harry said.

Remember that folks, lube first then sex! Makes the sex better.

and of this one, a real gem:

Quote :

“Today we will have a test and the test is me vs Aurora Potter on
who Anamagis form is better and whoever wins will get $100000 and a
whole bunch of sodas”
Aurora took a deep breath and went up next
to the teacher and they both transformed at the same time. McGoagall
glowed brown and turned into a ugly brown cat that looked really ugly
and stupid. Aurora glowed a sparkly silver light. When the light fade
and Aurora appeared again. Right in front of class was a pure white
unicorn with fur smoother than silk and a pure gold horn on its head.
The eyes were crystal clear like Aurora eyes were and her pure white
wings sparkled in the light. Her tail hair was beautiful and combed out
so it fanned and looked long. Everyone wrote on the paper who they like
best and turned it in and they both transform back and stood up.

and more proof that this is a troll.

Quote :

I don’t know what lube is but
everyone was bitching about me not have lube in the story so I put it
in there. I think it’s a sex act or something because they was
talking about how you have to have lube before sex so I guess lube is
kinda like orel sex only different because you need it. So now people
will have lube before sex so no one will get mad.

Quote :

“Today we will have a test and the test is me vs Aurora Potter on
who Anamagis form is better and whoever wins will get $100000 and a
whole bunch of sodas”

This is still my favourite line from this fic. It epitomizes the level of random stupidity seen throughout it.

It's the little things that grab you. Like Harry Potter characters doing business in a Muggle currency from a completely different continent. It would be like me buying my groceries with whatever American wizards use.

Keith Fraser wrote:

At the risk of spoiling the fun (and this fic series is filled with lulz and unintentional win), didn't this turn out to be a troll?

I don't think it was ever confirmed as a troll gag. Speculated, yes, but never proven.

I do think it's rather bizarre how the Sue, Snape, Harry, and "Mione" are all knocked up in the final chapter, with Snape not even knowing who his baby daddy is. Was this supposed to be a plot point for later, I wonder?

Quote :

“NOW I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE!” Dumbeldore said. “BUT I WON’T SHOOT IT. IT WILL BE QUIET.”

I'm glad; there's nothing more sad than an announcement being shot.

Mr. Comic Book wrote:

I do think it's rather bizarre how the Sue, Snape, Harry, and "Mione" are all knocked up in the final chapter, with Snape not even knowing who his baby daddy is. Was this supposed to be a plot point for later, I wonder?

Which brings me onto one of my big Harry Potter pet hates.

Hermione. Does not. Have a fucking diminutive form. Hermione even answering to a diminutive form is OOC!

OMG I KNOW. Ron calls her Mione once when his mouth is full and suddenly it's her nickname! WTF

Haha, this will always and forever be my favorite troll fic.

Quote :

“Not all the time” Aurora said. “They seem to work best on you because
we’re connected as twins. With others here its a lot harder to channel
my powers. But I reckon in a few weeks I’ll be able to read all minds
and predict pretty much any event”

"You do not get to be a successfully conflict-ruining Mary Sue just overnight, ya' know? It takes at least a few weeks!" Also: reckon. Reckon.

Quote :

Ron stared at her. “So now that you’re a pureblood you won’t talk to me but you’ll
talk to Draco when he called you a Mudblood?”
“Well it turns out I wasn’t a Mudblood so it doesn’t matter what he used to call me but your family loves muggles and I don’t so I don’t talk to you anymore” Mione walked away.
Ron chased after herbut tripped over his big feet and tumbled down the stairs to thedungeons. Harry and Draco laughed at him because he looked stupid and Ron looked on the verge of crying.

"Haha, what a loser! He thought he could like me before everyone knew what a super-special pure-blood magical princess I was. Well fuck him!"

Quote :

Aurora brushed her hair out of her eyes and smiled. “Ok but you have to agree to my rules”
“What’s the rules?”
“You have to ignore the piss outta muggles and Mudbloods and halfbloods and blood traitors. And you have to be a Slytherin”

Why did she kill Voldemort again? Was he honing in on her turf?

Quote :

“I need you to show me how to have sex before my meeting with Sev” Harry said.
“I thought you thought it was easy” Draco said raising his eyes.
“I don’t want Sev to think I’m not great at sex and I kno that you and Mione had sex last night so can you teach me?” Harry asked.
“Sure thing” Draco said.

"First you put your penis in her vagina. Wait. Umm, well, Hermione likes it when I fondle her... uh, nevermind. Well, I know it helps if you stimulate the girl's... Uh... How do you have sex with a man?"

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Quote :

“... But I reckon in a few weeks I’ll be able to read all minds
and predict pretty much any event”

"You do not get to be a successfully conflict-ruining Mary Sue just overnight, ya' know? It takes at least a few weeks!" Also: reckon. Reckon.

Sorry to be nit-picky here, but what's wrong with 'reckon'? It's acceptable Southern UK English - I use it all the time. If Aurora had said 'figure', there would be grounds for complaint about British characters using (primarily) US vernacular.

By the way, you know how for most of the story, Ron and Ginny are shunned for being pro-Muggle? Well, Chapter 17 offers this little digression from that "plot" thread:

Quote :

Harry shook his head. “Leave Aurora boyfriend [Tom Riddle] alone she loves him and not you and you need to get over it already or I will kill you”

Ron turned looking angry. “You won’t kill me because you know that my family will kill you because what you didn’t know was that my family was secretly Death Eaters and we only let you hang out with us to give you to Voldmort but he’s dead now so we are going to kill you instead”

Harry got angry. “Well I never liked your family anyway and who cares about your family? I have my own to think about because mom and dad and Sirius and Lupin and Aurora are here and soon I will have baby with Severus and we will all be one big happy family. No one cares about you or your family so you can all go to hell!”

Ron looked angry. “Well I hope your family dies because no one likes them anyway and that’s why everyone was happy when they died the first time and if Voldmort had stayed living they would still be dead!”

“Well he died so get over it and go kill yourself you stupid ugly fat lame loser!” Harry said.

Then, immediately after this, it's right back to the Weasleys being dog shit because they're pro-Muggle. Consistency much?

By the by, this fic's since been updated. And boy, is this beyond stupid:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3629680/20/Reunited

Quote :

Aurora and Tom Riddle were in the ror and they were both naked and having sex.
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Aurora yelled.
"IIIIIIIII AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMM!!!!" Tom yelled.
They did not here the door open but they did see the door open and they both stared at the person who came in. It was Voldmort.
"Is this a bad time?" Voldmort asked suddenly.
"Yes can't you see that we are very busy right now?" Aurora asked.
"You are ruining the passion and sexy" Tom said.
"Oh ok I'll just come back later" Voldmort said and he left.
"Keep going!" Aurora shouted.

1. I love how blase they are about Voldemort coming back. Especially Tom Riddle, who should be having serious Star Trek "Enemy Within" deja vu right about now.

2. How considerate of Voldemort to leave them alone so they can have buttsechs. No Avada Kedavra business for him, no siree.

3. "You're ruining the passion and sexy!" Can't ruin what isn't there to start with, Odiane.

Quote :

Dumbeldoere stood up and clapped his hands.
"I HAVE TWO THING TO SAY. THE FIRST IS THAT LORD VOLDMORT IS BACK. WHEN AURORA GOT PREGNANT WITH TOM RIDDLE BABY IT BOUGHT VOLDMORT BACK TO LIFE. THE SECOND THING IS THAT I AM PREGNANT WITH SEVERUS BABY"
Everyone gasped and Harry looked very shocked.
"I can't believe Dumbeldore is pregnant with Severus baby" Harry said. "This is not a good thing at all because I am pregant with Severus baby"
"AND JUST TO LET YOU KNOW THAT WE DO NOT KNOW WHO SEVERUS BABY DADDY IS YET BUT WE WILL SOON IT IS ME OR HARRY BUT WE DO NOT KNOW YET" Dumbeldore shouted.

Uh...Albus? Is this something you really want to brag about?

And no, I'm not going to ask how getting knocked up by Tom Riddle resulted in a second Voldemort magically appearing. I don't want to know.

Quote :

Draco threw up on the table.
"Oh no I think I'm pregnant with baby" Draco said.
"How is that possible? I don't have a dick to put in your butt" Mione said.
Draco looked guilty. "I had sex with Harry before"
Mione looked angry. "You cheated on me with Harry how could you?"
"Because he aksed me to" Draco said.
"Yeah I did" Harry said.
"Oh well that is ok" Mione said. "But ask me next time so I can say it is ok"

Infidelity is such a minor, nothin'-muffin thing, ain't it? And what's with all the mpregs going on, anyway?

Mr. Comic Book wrote:

By the by, this fic's since been updated. And boy, is this beyond stupid:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3629680/20/Reunited

So this story that had been dormant for ages becomes a Golden Oldie and suddenly the author finds the inspiration to produce another chapter?
Not only this is a troll, my money's on a WGWer.

And Reunited and Passion Night are her only stories.
That screams "sockpuppet" to me.
But whose?

EileenK98 wrote:

And Reunited and Passion Night are her only stories.
That screams "sockpuppet" to me.
But whose?

There was another story, a rewrite of "Reunited" called "Red Roses." It was a different telling of how the Sue and Voldemort hooked up. It's since been scrapped from her FF.net page, but I managed to copy and paste it for use in an MST before she deleted it. So if I can find a place to host the MST (starring the Disney Princesses as the riffers), you'll get to see the entire trilogy of Odiane Sue-shit.