Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Tue Dec 01, 2009 5:41 pm
Is anyone else familiar with the obnoxious clusterfuck that is Barbara Streisand's version of "Jingle Bells"? Words can't describe how horrid and mind boggling that cover is!
Not only that, but the other day at work I heard a gangsta-rap version of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town".
Miss Prince Shitgobbling pissdrinker
Join date : 2009-06-10 Age : 35
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Tue Dec 01, 2009 5:56 pm
Mr.Doobie wrote:
Is anyone else familiar with the obnoxious clusterfuck that is Barbara Streisand's version of "Jingle Bells"? Words can't describe how horrid and mind boggling that cover is!
I'm very fond of that cover. I like it much better than the original, which is the only Christmas song I'm sick of.
I like most Christmas songs; I don't work in retail or listen to the radio with any regularity, so I don't have the overplay backlash some folks do. Eventually every Christmas song ever written will be listed in this post.
Twonky
Join date : 2009-12-02
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Wed Dec 02, 2009 6:47 pm
An antidote to crappy Christmas music:
Delcat Good old-fashioned nightmare fuel
Join date : 2009-06-13 Age : 36 Location : Underestimating the power of soup
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Thu Dec 03, 2009 3:57 am
I was in a dollar store once and heard a rendition of Little Drummer Boy...without the drums. As in, they cut the "pa-rum-pa-pum-pum"s. It just hung there between each line. "Mary nodded...the ox and lamb kept time...I played for Him...on my drum." It was so hilariously awkward.
I have a book entitled "I Hate Myself and Want to Die: The 52 Most Depressing Songs You've Ever Heard". As a special holiday gift, I shall transcribe the entry for #1 for you, under a spoiler for length:
Spoiler:
Tom Reynolds wrote:
Sometimes the best intentions are the catalyst that triggers the fission bomb. This is why the most diabolically depressing songs began as a righteous effort at striking an emotional chord with the masses while their creators are clueless as to the horror they've created. Think Dr. Frankenstein gazing down at his monster and seeing Adonis. Think Kurt Cobain looking at Courtney Love and seeing Courtney Cox. Think a Christian group writing a song about a boy buying a pair of shoes for his dying mother and thinking it's spiritually uplifting. Think again.
I set out to find the most depressing song ever written and I'm certain I found it. It makes Bobby Goldsboro's "Honey" sound like the Red Hot Chili Peppers. It's more depressing than Jim Morrison puking in front of a naked Indian in a Paris hotel room. It's more depressing than Trent Reznor and Marilyn Manson singing a duet of "Danny Boy" while jamming syringes into each other's eyes. It's more depressing than The Cure's entire career. It's more depressing than that mind-fucking Harry Chapin malnutrition song. It's the most depressing song ever written because it's long, criminally insufferable, and, worst of all, Christmas themed, which means we will always hear it during the Yuletide season year after year.
It's "The Christmas Shoes."
I was blissfully unaware of "The Christmas Shoes" until someone told me about a song she always heard in department stores during the Christmas holidays, floating down from overhead along with Amy Grant, Burl Ives, and Christy Lane. It's about a little boy buying a pair of shoes for his dying mother, she said, and it's really depressing. Hmm, I thought, little boy, dying mother, a gift of shoes...sounds like a bad idea to me. I'm there!
Finding "The Christmas Shoes" was easy. Listening to it was not. After just one spin, I went into the sort of shock normally associated with survivors of asteroid collisions. I couldn't quite comprehend what I'd just heard. Worse yet, the thought of this song being played constantly around the holiday season was just too terrifying for me to comprehend. After much Googled research, I uncovered a saga so twisted it resembled a Hitchcock movie by way of the Book of Revelations.
"The Christmas Shoes" is the work of the contemporary Christian group Newsong. They've recorded over thirteen albums and are very popular in the faith-based Christian market. In 1999, group leader Eddie Carswell found a story that was circulating around the Internet entitled "The Golden Christmas Slippers." An anonymous author wrote a first-person account of something he allegedly witnessed at a Target shopping center in Houston (I used to live in Houston, and yes, there is a Target there). Though nobody knows who wrote it, most people still insist it's true.
In "The Golden Christmas Slippers", the writer tells of wearily standing in a long line waiting to check out. It is five days before Christmas and he's feeling burned out from all the stress of shopping and obligatory gift-giving. The following is supposedly what transpired next:
In front of me were two small children--a boy of about ten and a younger girl about five. The boy wore a ragged coat. Enormously large, tattered tennis shoes jutted out far in front of his much-too-short jeans. He clutched several crumpled dollar bills in his grimy hands. The girl's clothing resembled her brother's. Her head was a matted mess of curly hair. Remains of an evening meal showed on her small face. She carried a beautiful pair of shiny, gold slippers. As the Christmas music sounded in the store's stereo system, the girl hummed along happily.
When we finally approached the checkout register, the girl carefully placed the shoes on the counter. She treated them as though they were a treasure. The clerk rang up the bill. "That will be $6.09," she said. The boy laid his crumpled dollar bills atop the stand while he searched his pockets. He finally came up with $3.12.
"I guess we will have to put them back," he bravely said. "We will come back some other time, maybe tomorrow."
With that statement, a soft sob broke from the little girl. "But Jesus would have loved those shoes," she cried.
"Well, we'll go home and work some more. Don't cry. We'll come back," he said.
Quickly I handed $3.00 to the cashier. These children had waited in line for a long time. And, after all, it was Christmas. Suddenly a pair of arms came around me and a small voice said, "Thank you, sir."
"What did you mean when you said Jesus would like the shoes?" I said.
The small boy answered, "Our mommy is sick and going to heaven. Daddy said she might go before Christmas to be with Jesus."
The girl spoke: "My Sunday school teacher said the streets in Heaven are shiny gold, just like these shoes. Won't mommy be beautiful walking on those streets to match these shoes?"
My eyes flooded as I looked into her tear-streaked face. "Yes," I answered, "I am sure she will." Silently I thanked God fod using these children to remind me of the true spirit of giving.
I know I'll be branded a heartless heretic but if any of you actually believed this story, I have wonderful tales of reincarnated rabbits and Jersey devils to regale you with. Never mind his Dickensian clothing, how many ten-year-old boys say declarative sentences like, "We will have to put them back. We will come back some other time, maybe tomorrow." How about a five-year-old girl saying, "The streets in Heaven are shiny gold, just like these shoes. Won't mommy be beautiful walking on those streets to match these shoes?" I can tell right now who wrote this story: somebody who's never been around a ten- and a five-year-old.
Whether or not Eddie Carswell believed the story is a moot point. He felt compelled to adapt "The Golden Christmas Slippers" into a song, one for which he wouldn't have to share any royalties with the author. He and bandmate Leonard Ahlstrom put together a ballad they entitled simply "The Christmas Shoes" and included it on their 2000 CD release Sheltering Tree. The song was first played as a single on a Christian radio station in St. Louis and, supposedly, it was swamped with calls. "The Christmas Shoes" eventually broke into the mainstream market and topped the Adult Contemporary charts. (I've no idea what "Adult Contemporary" signifies other than it's contemporary music purchased by adults.)
Following the mainstream success of the song, Newsong switched labels and rereleased it in 2001 as the title cut on their Christmas holiday album The Christmas Shoes. It, too, was a hit. From here on, the song became a Perfect Storm assault weapon. First, Nashville author Donna Van Lierre adapted it into a novella of the same name and it became a New York Times best-seller. Then Hollywood came a-callin' and CBS produced a two-hour-long TV movie based on a book that was based on a song that was based on a story written by a guy who fibs a lot. The Christmas Shoes, starring Rob Lowe, premiered on December 21, 2001 and drew 17 million viewers. It's been re-aired every Christmas since. "The Christmas Shoes" had been a phenomenon and I'd slept through the whole thing.
The Song:
"The Christmas Shoes" begins in prototypical AC ballad form, with processed MIDI piano and nylon-string guitar playing a cloying intro until vocalist Billy Goodwin begins. "It was almost Christmas time," he sings, telling of standing in line at a department store to check out and finding it hard to get into the Christmas spirit. From here, "The Christmas Shoes" follows the Internet story almost exactly, the exception being there's a lone boy in line ahead of him. Goodwin points out how dirty the boy is and that his clothes are old and worn. The unkempt lad has a pair of shoes in his hands and when he finally reaches the cashier, the man overhears the boy's sad tale of woe, how his daddy says there's not much time left for Mommy. All he wants is to bring the shoes to her so she can look beautiful "if Mama meets Jesus tonight." (Who knew the Messiah was such a stickler for footwear?)
The little boy dumps a hoard of pennies (more theatrical than crumpled bills) and the cashier counts them. Naturally, there's not enough and the kid turns to the man behind him, explaining how Mama always did without just to make "Christmas good at our house." Now she's on her deathbed and all he wants is to buy her the shoes for her last Christmas. As his Grinch facade melts, the man hands the boy some money and watches his cherubic face light up. "Mama's gonna look great," the child tells him (she'd better or else Jesus is going to be very, very angry). The song moves into a bridge as the man declares how he's "caught a glimpse of Heaven's love." See, it was God who sent this little boy to him for the sole purpose of showing him the meaning of Christmas. Meanwhile, the dirty, ragged-looking boy runs off alone and unaccompanied, something this moron fails to notice since he's too busy congratulating himself for learning to enjoy Christmas again.
The chorus returns and damned if there's not a choir of children's voices singing, "Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my mame, please..." There's not enough insulin in the world to combat this lethal dose of confection that drips like snow slush from a dead birch tree. I heaved so hard, my shoes came up.
Why It's Depressing:
Though I've endured the most violent nihilistic musical crud ever conceived, none of it holds a candle to the Krakatoa-sized cataclysm that is "The Christmas Shoes." What throws me into the volcano about both the song and the apocryphal story that inspired it is their insufferable smugness and ludicrous storytelling. What father sends his little boy to a department store by himself in threadbare clothing to buy a pair of shoes when Mom's about to shuffle off any minute? Is the guy a crack addict? Does he have a drug lab going on in the kitchen? What's this about, anyway? Meanwhile, the narrator has to be the most clueless dip this side of Inspector Clousseau. If you were standing in a checkout line and a filthy child resembling Oliver Twist was in front of you with no adult accompanying him, wouldn't you, oh I don't know, NOTIFY SECURITY? Not this genius. He just tosses the kid a few bucks and then thanks God for showing him "a sign of Heaven's love." This was Heaven's great idea? Afflict a child's mother with a terminal disease, then send him to Target by himself to buy her a pair of shoes without enough money for the sole purpose of making some self-righteous jerk feel good about himself? Couldn't he at least offer the kid a ride?
The fact that "The Christmas Shoes" is a well-loved song doesn't alter my conclusion that it's depressing manipulative swill that frankly isn't very original. The lyrics simply copy a fraudulent story that itself is a pale imitation of the classic Christmas story "The Littlest Angel" by Charles Tazewell. A sublime and beautiful tale, "The Littlest Angel" is so moving it would make rocks weep and offers a much more powerful message of giving than a thousand tales of Yuletide Florsheims. This holiday season, please read "The Littlest Angel" aloud to your children and forget you ever heard the condescending, depressing bilge of "The Christmas Shoes."
I hate this song. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
(Source. It's good stuff, seriously. Zeiss, you would like it, I mean that.)
So there ya go, nomads: If you get an idiot whining about the inherent beauty of the bastard carol, copy-and-paste that at 'em. Happy holidays~
Zeiss Manifold Ants got into everyone
Join date : 2009-06-10 Age : 33 Location : In the Land of Foppery and Whim
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Thu Dec 03, 2009 7:16 am
I've read that one, actually, it's pretty good. The fact that the song is canonically glurge explains a lot.
And I'm with Patton Oswalt on the fact that the whole "Dickensian ragamuffin" act just makes it sound like a scam.
Grimley Fieendish Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-09-07 Age : 60 Location : Currently, running a Ski Resort on Hoth
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Thu Dec 03, 2009 12:22 pm
Antidote - Santa Claus Is On The Dole by Spitting Image Link - [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Twonky
Join date : 2009-12-02
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Fri Dec 04, 2009 6:09 am
Another antidote:Cashing in on Christmas, by Bad News (aka Young Ones alums)
Glen
Join date : 2009-11-06 Location : Somewhere beyond the sea
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Fri Dec 04, 2009 1:01 pm
Manny wrote:
Antidote: The Twelve Days of Christmas, Irish Style, by Frank Kelly:
I used to have that on vinyl. We played it throughout the Christmas of 1985, or whenever it was. Ah, memories. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
EileenK98 Recovering Fanbrat
Join date : 2009-06-10 Age : 55 Location : very, very close to Chris
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Sat Dec 05, 2009 8:27 am
I know I complain about the music a LOT, but last night was the first time I actually heard something bad enough to make me hold my ears and whimper, "Make it stop!" I don't know what it was, but it had a pounding dance beat, and one line repeated over and over. Just the one line. I wanted to beat myself unconscious so I wouldn't have to hear it anymore.
Lady Anne NO NOT THE BEEEEES
Join date : 2009-06-12 Age : 47 Location : The land of the fruits and nuts
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Sat Dec 05, 2009 12:41 pm
Best. Christmas. Song. Ever.
Bad Luck Charm Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-06-18 Location : In your brain, haunting your thoughts
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Sun Dec 06, 2009 2:22 am
I haven't heard it yet this year, but last year I remember hearing this version of "Jingle Bells" where the lady was singing it so fast. It was like she downed a six-pack of Red Bull and took a bunch of speed before going into the recording studio.
Lady Anne NO NOT THE BEEEEES
Join date : 2009-06-12 Age : 47 Location : The land of the fruits and nuts
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Sun Dec 06, 2009 12:44 pm
The most annoying Christmas song I've ever heard was the one where the dogs bark Jingle Bells. Worse yet, when it came on the radio yesterday, my bloodhound heard it and started baying along.
Grimley Fieendish Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-09-07 Age : 60 Location : Currently, running a Ski Resort on Hoth
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Sun Dec 06, 2009 7:24 pm
Bad Luck Charm wrote:
I haven't heard it yet this year, but last year I remember hearing this version of "Jingle Bells" where the lady was singing it so fast. It was like she downed a six-pack of Red Bull and took a bunch of speed before going into the recording studio.
Try this for a possible antidote.... [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Mr.Doobie Knight of the Bleach
Join date : 2009-10-23 Location : under the sink
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Mon Dec 07, 2009 7:44 pm
Bad Luck Charm wrote:
I haven't heard it yet this year, but last year I remember hearing this version of "Jingle Bells" where the lady was singing it so fast. It was like she downed a six-pack of Red Bull and took a bunch of speed before going into the recording studio.
I think you're talking about the Barbara Streisand version. Does she hold out sleigh as a really ugly, flat "SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY" at the end? If she does, it's Barbara Streisand.
And you've only heard it last year? God, that monstrosity has been around forever!
SokMunkie Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-06-11 Age : 45 Location : KC,MO
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Thu Dec 10, 2009 6:12 am
I hate most Christmas songs, mostly because it's the same songs recorded over and over again. It's more overkill than anything.
John Lennon and Yoko Ono's song Merry Christmas (War is Over) would be okay if it weren't for that section near the end with the children and their off-key caterwauling.
Thanos6 Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-06-10
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Thu Dec 10, 2009 4:21 pm
No one, not even the Beach Boys, should be allowed to get away with Little Saint Nick.
Most Christmas songs I don't mind, just the fact that they take over practically every AM/FM radio station for more than a month. Thank God for satellite.
Bad Luck Charm Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-06-18 Location : In your brain, haunting your thoughts
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Tue Dec 15, 2009 2:09 am
Now, I know most of you don't like "Last Christmas" by Wham, but it happens to be one of my favourites. So, you can imagine my outrage when I found out that Taylor Swift of all people, did a re-make of it! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
JadeAngel
Join date : 2009-12-09 Location : The Land Down Under
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Tue Dec 15, 2009 5:35 pm
Ladies and Gentlemen... prepare to enter the seventh level of hell.
Lapin Knight of the Bleach
Join date : 2009-06-10 Age : 35 Location : Maryland
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Tue Dec 15, 2009 5:41 pm
What...what....(pain shoots through temple)AGH! Can't take the amount of annoying!
Mary Sue Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-10-19
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Tue Dec 15, 2009 7:59 pm
You guys are no fun. I like to think of Christmas as the one time of year where I can listen to the cheesiest music ever (think Mariah Carey and Feliz Navidad). I mean, obviously, there are some stinkers out there, but to be quite honest, what I love about Christmas is that the radio stations actually play songs released earlier than six months ago.
Violet
Join date : 2009-06-16 Age : 35
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Tue Dec 15, 2009 9:18 pm
JadeAngel wrote:
Ladies and Gentlemen... prepare to enter the seventh level of hell.
(Christmas Macarena)
That's not the Christmas Macarena that I know... I'm disturbed that there's more than of them around.
Last edited by Violet on Wed Dec 16, 2009 12:42 am; edited 1 time in total
rae Contributor
Join date : 2009-06-10 Location : computer chair
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Wed Dec 16, 2009 12:13 am
Mary Sue wrote:
You guys are no fun. I like to think of Christmas as the one time of year where I can listen to the cheesiest music ever (think Mariah Carey and Feliz Navidad). I mean, obviously, there are some stinkers out there, but to be quite honest, what I love about Christmas is that the radio stations actually play songs released earlier than six months ago.
You don't work retail, do you?
Lady Anne NO NOT THE BEEEEES
Join date : 2009-06-12 Age : 47 Location : The land of the fruits and nuts
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Wed Dec 16, 2009 7:28 am
Here's an antidote for you:
Saleha Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-06-12 Age : 42
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Wed Dec 16, 2009 8:35 am
Lady Anne wrote:
[Merry Fucking Christmas]
This, along with Monty Python's "Ho Ho Fucking Ho", was my ultimate antidote after a day of Christmas music working at the mall, hearing "Rudolf" at least four times, "Frosty" twice, various versions of "Jingle Bells" (including the one with the fucking dogs barking it) and Paul Mc-fucking-Cartneys "SIMPLY... HAAAAAVING... A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS TIME!" (may he be hung by his nutsack for that one) multiple times. It is just so over-the-top intentionally offensive it made my heart smile.
My biggest HAET songs: Aforementioned McCartney song, "Christmas Shoes" ( ), "Feliz Navidad" as performed by Boney M (my mother dearest LOVED this thing and would play it up and down when I was a kid, thus the scarring) and "Last Christmas" (mainly the Wham! version, although I can live without hearing that song altogether).
And finally, seconding rae's last post. People who complain about retail workers hating Christmas songs must have never had the delightful experience of repeatedly getting yelled at by douchebags while having their eardrums assaulted with this glurge for eight hours straight (no, you can't even get away from it in the break room).
Seule My Mescaline
Join date : 2009-06-11 Age : 31 Location : Tea & Castle Land
Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM* Wed Dec 16, 2009 9:58 am
CHRIIIIISTMAAAAS TIIIIIIIIME DOON'T LET THE BEEEEELLS EEEEEENNNNNDDDD
CHRIIIIIISTMAAAAAS TIIIIIIIIIIME DOOON'T LET THE BEEEELLS EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNDDDDDDD
excuse me, mr singing man, why don't you have any testicles?
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Subject: Re: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of...*BOOM*