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 Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.

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unskilled78
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PostSubject: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Tue Nov 17, 2009 6:37 pm

Alright, The Saga of Rose Potter (If you want to read it, you can use my account: theSkillet78@Yahoo.com, Password: WhyGodWhy ) . Take 2. Not as funny, but actually available to read.

Quote :
As during the first year of Primary Schooling a teacher had witnessed Dudley’s attempt to catch me, and had taken me under his wing so to speak, and taught me martial arts classes every day after school. When I had a full year of classes under her belt, I got tired one day of being chased by Dudley and stood my ground. The result being that Dudley had to go to the Doctor for a cast on his arm, which I had neatly broken, it startled me that I had that much strength

At 8 years old....riiiiiiight

Quote :
It disgusted me that Dudley was spoiled so much, when I was younger I was jealous, but that faded as my Sensei taught me the way’s of life and some minor easy to understand philosophy. Dudley was a spoiled little brat, who had absolutely no appreciation for the luxury his life had. You only had to look at television news to see starving children in war torn countries for that.

Not only is she special, but she's humble.

Quote :
My jaw clenched in anger, all it would take would be one flat palm strike to Uncle Vernon’s nose and he would be booking time at the Plastic surgeon. But if my Sensei had instilled one virtue in me, then it was to always use the arts for self-defence only.

Not that she'll remember that later.
Also, she somehow just spontaneously developed the ability to teleport.

Events procede according to the book, until she recieves the letter. Remember how that scene worked out in the book and movie? Totally different here.

Quote :
“Dad!” said Dudley suddenly, “Dad, Rose’s got something!”

I was at the point of unfolding her letter, but with lightening quick reflexes shoved it down my shirt, before Uncle Vernon could snatch it out of my hand. I should have known that this would happen. That they would try to deprive me of the only letter I had ever gotten in my life; my only hope. It took one look to know that Uncle Vernon would not stop until he had the letter, his grubby sausage like hands were encroaching on my personal space, and I was sure he was not above ripping my baggy shirt off to get the letter, never mind that I didn’t even have a bra on underneath.

Because he's only doing it to see your flat chest. :pedo:

Quote :
I instantly fell into a balanced stance with my side to Uncle Vernon, my arms tucked in and protecting my rib cage while my hands were ready around my face, ready to deflect, and strike back.

and....how does that work?

Quote :
With a surge of adrenaline, my mind slipped into Void. Void was a term my Sensei used to describe a state of awareness which was all encompassing, it allowed you to see everything that was happening around you all at once and time slowed to a snails pace, at least, it was that way for me.

Turns out the Sensei was just a guy who liked the Matrix trilogy and decided to mess with a little girls mind.

Quote :
Uncle Vernon’s hand was almost ready to grab me, when I used the outside of my right hand to deflect the encroaching limb’s path to move past me to the right, my left leg came forward to stand behind my Uncle’s legs and with a snap my left flat palm hit his elbow while I pulled his hand toward me. I could not hear the sickening crack as Uncle Vernon’s arm was grotesquely broken,

Then how do you know it was "Sickening"? Have you broken arms before? (NB, she almost broke Dudleys arm before, but he's left her alone since then.)

Quote :
I rushed forward and hit Dudley with a flat palm strike directly in the sternum. Dudley gasped as all the air was forcibly expelled from his lungs, and he flew backwards off his feet and crumpled against the wall, joining his father in the land of nod.



Quote :
I was still operating on a surge of adrenaline and could only think of one thing to do. It was clear that I could not stay here anymore, when the two Dursley males woke up, I would not put it past them to call the police or social services and have me taken away. They would make up some story about how I had just gone insane and assaulted them, and I knew the police would believe them and not me, no one did.

Given that you broke your uncles arm and probably a few ribs on your cousin, who should the law believe?

All right, she runs off to Mrs. Figg, the crazy cat lady, who turns out to have been watching her all those years as a sort of muggle sleeper agent. She calls on Professor McGonagall, and together they provide the infodump that Hagrid gave in the original book.

Shit happens word-for-word the same as in the original book until....

Quote :
said McGonagall, “now for the last shop of the day.”

They walked back up the alley, and I blinked as I experienced the same effect as outside the Leaky Cauldron. McGonagall showed me to a shop that I would never have seen otherwise. But judging from the people walking past it, its hidden effects were confined to wizards. Only witches could see the shop. But I had to stop my mouth from dropping to the floor. In curvy silvery script above the door to the shop was: Victoria’s Secret.


Seriously? How could Limited Inc. explain the disappearance of product and their need to exchange hubcap-sized Gold pieces of a currency that supposably did not exist? Also, how does a girl literally raised in a closet know about Victorias Secret at that young an age?

Quote :
“You wear a bra yet?” said McGonagall.
“I should but it’s not like the Dursley’s would buy me one,” I said.

Is the sacred knowledge or brahood more widespread in the UK or am I just ignorant beyond my years, because I can't imagine an 11-12 year-old knowing that they need one.

She somehow gains some sort of connection to McGonagall, despite the fact that Rosey does little more than scream at her.

Rosey spends the next month at the Leaky Cauldron practising spells (which, admittedly, is a sound policy considering the circumstances)

We also get this.

Quote :
Four hours later, my huge, heavy trunk was outside of the Leaky Cauldron, the Professor looked at me oddly when I carried it easily. I had not been forthcoming in showing my martial arts skills, her unnatural strength, and other things she had discovered she could do. Her Sensei had taught her that one never shows your true abilities to your opponent, even to your friends (though for different reasons), which would let them, keep underestimating you.
(According to earlier sources which I did not cite for risk of boring you to death, she has the strength of 3 men in their prime.) Note also the random change in voice from first to third.

For a while, this 'fic is basically a direct copy of the original book

Until the Sorting Hat

Quote :
“Hmm,” said a small voice in my ear. “Difficult. Very Difficult. Relax your mind now so I can see properly.” I blinked at the instruction; I had never dropped my mental discipline for any duration of time since I had acquired it from studying with my Sensei. I tried though and just relaxed. “Not a bad mind, that was very impressive. You shut me out of your mind for a moment there. There’s talent, oh my goodness, yes, you’ve even mastered some of them before your time..

Even the hat knows she's speshul.

Quote :
I did not know what to make of that, she wondered if it was another cultural thing about the wizarding world to have a potentially fatal threat housed in a school.


Moar random voice-changing! :eng99:

She meditates, Hermione is befuddled, and after meditation....

Quote :
When the half hour was up, I stood and stripped off my remaining clothes not feeling the slightest hesitation at appearing nude in front of Hermione. I climbed into bed and Hermione gasped again.

Random Lesbianic Overtures!

Quote :
I said, “it was only a month ago, that I was introduced into this world, it was only a month ago that I had any money to put next to my name. The Muggle family I lived with did the absolute minimum in providing for me. All my clothes were hand-me downs from my cousin, until a month ago, I never had any proper female clothes, no proper underwear, nothing. In the summer it was too hot where I slept to wear anything other than my birthday suit.”
“Since I had proper sleepwear, I’ve tried sleeping in them and it’s just too constricting, I feel like I’m suffocating.

Uh, most female lower undergarments are similar to the male equivilant. At least she could wear a T-Shirt and boxer-briefs. Still, this is the start of the nudist thread.

That was the first 5 chapters. Don't worry. It gets better.
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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Tue Nov 17, 2009 7:06 pm

I burst out laughing when they went to VICTORIA'S SECRET and got some funny looks for it.

Quote :
Is the sacred knowledge or brahood more widespread in the UK or am I just ignorant beyond my years, because I can't imagine an 11-12 year-old knowing that they need one.

You are ignorant beyond your years. Most preteen girls are hyper-conscious of their developing chests and the impending necessity of a bra.

Quote :
All right, she runs off to Mrs. Figg, the crazy cat lady, who turns out to have been watching her all those years as a sort of muggle sleeper agent.

Actually, this is canon. Arabella Figg is a Squib.

This fic is hilarious. Looking forward to more, skillet!
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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Tue Nov 17, 2009 7:51 pm

Chapter 6: (NB, these are going to be shorter than the first one, but I suspect they will get worse. )

Quote :
And then once you managed to find them, there were the lessons themselves. The teachers were all impressed at my quick grasp of any magic or concept they taught. I thanked my lucky stars that I had the foresight to completely study Magical Theory before coming to Hogwarts; as there was much more to magic than just waving your wand and saying a few funny words.



Quote :
Quirrell’s lessons turned out to be a bit of a joke. It was barely halfway into the lesson when I stopped paying attention to the stuttering Professor with a huff and started to study the set book from where I had left off in the summer. And Ron looked at me like I was barking mad to study on my own initiative.

That's good.

Quote :
I was very relieved to find out that I was actually ahead of everyone else in the syllabus, except for Hermione, of course. It was odd though that Hermione kept trying to make a competition out of the marks we were awarded or the house points given. I just did my set homework and read ahead while doing the practical magic until I could perform it perfectly. Ron however was on the other end of the spectrum, he did just what was required of him and no more, and he often borrowed my notes, which I was happy to allow as long as it happened while under my supervision, and he would often ask me to go over homework for anything he missed or got wrong
.

Random buddy bashing is random.

She gets a letter from McGonagall

Quote :
Dear Rosey,
I know you get Friday afternoons off, so would you like to
come and have a cup of tea with me around three? I want to hear
about your first week. Send an answer back with Hedwig.
Minerva.

They go to Potions with Snape where an exhange occurs that does not occur in the original novel.

Quote :
“Potter!” said Snape suddenly. “What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?” I frowned in thought for a moment, I had learnt this somewhere. Hermione had raised her hand.

“A sleeping potion, Draught of Living Death,” I answered hesitantly.

, “where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?”

“In the stomach of a goat, and will save you from most poisons,”

In other words, she gets all 3 of the questions right.

After Neville melts his cauldron and Snape yells at Rosey for not helping him, she responds with this:

Quote :
“I was concentrating on my own potion and work, Professor Snape,” I said angrily, “so unless you wanted two ruined potions, Professor, I don’t see why I should have helped Neville, he needs to learn this for himself. It is the process of learning, is it not, to learn from your mistakes?”
:aaa: They're going to be scraping her off the floor.

Quote :
“It is I who should be apologizing to you,” said Professor Snape, I frowned at that, “I have a certain reputation to uphold and pretences to maintain, Ms Potter. If it seems I am biased, it is because I need to be, it’s nothing personal, I never do anything without a purpose and those are my own.” There was silence for a moment.

“Did you know my mother?” I blurted out before my nerve failed me. Snape stared off to the side, his greasy hair falling like a curtain on the sides of his face, hiding it.

“Yes, I did, we were intellectual acquaintances during our Hogwarts years, and I would like to imagine we were friends for a period of time, until circumstances forced a parting of our ways,” answered Snape. “I want you to report here for an hour after dinner for the next week; give off the pretence of having detention with me for your outburst during class. I can see a budding Potions Mistress in you Ms Potter. Your mother despite her talent for Charms was a gifted Potions student, a talent I am happy to see you have inherited.”

I found myself spellbound listening to this man, who had known my mother, speaking of her so highly.

“Thank you for the opportunity, Professor Snape,” I said once I had lapsed out of my fascination.

“A pleasure, Ms Potter,” said Snape softly, “I don’t have to reiterate that this conversation will never leave this room.” I stood with my bookbag, recognizing it was time to leave.

“That was obvious, Professor, from the ward you cast,” I said with a small smile. Snape nodded and waved the ward away with his wand and the door opened again.

“Goodbye, Ms Potter,” snapped Snape in his usual classroom tone. As I climbed the steps out of the dungeon, my mind was racing and my spirits were high – Snape actually knew my mother and could tell me lots about her. I had to remind herself that I had to look angry and glum to the world, to give off the pretence of Detention.

Nope, her luuuuuves her! Trollface

She has a conversation with Minerva who offers to adopt her.

and Minerva tells her there have been compaints about her nudity, so she suggests taking up Druidism so that she can hide under her "religious beliefs", until she can learn the Druidic code and become AWESOME!
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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Wed Nov 18, 2009 11:24 am

Chapter 7:

Quote :
Hermione had finally approached me about [Rose~s nudity]. I explained that I was eventually signing up to be a Druidess-in-training so to speak and was just practicing one of my beliefs.

You're practising one of the beliefs before you actually join the religion? That's either fervor or CYOA.

Remember when Neville falls off his broomstick and allows Harry to show his seeker abilites? Yeah, that was changed to make Rose even more special.

Quote :
“Prohibeo Impetus!”

Neville was suspended in mid-air, just two feet off the ground, and his arms were held out to protect his face, from a very nasty fall that could easily have killed him had he landed on his neck. I was stunned that I had reacted that fast. My mind had just slipped of its own accord into Void and my wand aim had followed the falling boy and I had cast a Momentum Stopping Curse that I recalled from Curses and Counter-Curses but had never cast before on anything more than an ink pot falling from a table.

Quote :
“Remarkable reflexes, Ms Potter, and spell work worthy of a Fifth year,” said Madam Hooch, “I make no exaggeration that you probably saved Mr Longbottom’s life if not a long stay in the Hospital wing. Fifty points to Gryffindor.

But wait, how will Rosey actually show off those genetic seeker talents with Hooch around?

Quote :
But he needs to go for a check up anyway.

Shit happens much as it does in the book
She also falls for the most unlikely of people: Oliver Wood, why?

Quote :
Wood turned out to be a person, a burly, but very attractive fifth-year boy who came out of Flitwick’s class looking confused. ...
“Are you serious, Professor?” A small sigh of pleasure escaped my throat as I heard his Scott’s accent.

Schlick

Quote :
After dinner, I joined Minnie in her private office to speak about what happened during the day.
“That was a very advanced piece of magic you did, young lady,” said Minnie sternly, “where did you learn it from?”
“It’s from an extra book I bought in Flourish and Blotts, Curses and Counter-Curses,” I said, not prepared to lie to my adoptive mother; I never wanted to betray that trust.
“I know of this book,” said Minnie with a frown, “I wouldn’t entrust the knowledge of such spells to anyone below a fifth year.”
“Should I give it to you?” I asked trying to keep the despondency from my voice; it really was a good book. Minnie stared off into the numerous shelves around her office.
“No, keep the book and learn all you can from it,” said Minnie, “I will consider it a test of your character to see how you use the knowledge.”

I really can't imagine her saying that, or agreeing to be called "Minnie."
and of course, nobody is ever just slow or retarded in Suetopia, so....

Quote :
“Now, you were talking about Neville Longbottom?” asked Minnie.
“Yes, I think there must be something wrong with him or affecting him in some way,” I explained, “maybe it’s because I see things mostly from a Muggle perspective, there is just no way that it’s natural to be as forgetful or clumsy or talentless as he is. If Neville was in a Muggle High School he would have been sent for some sort of occupation therapy.”

"Minnie" has an idea (no, it's not inbreeding) and tells Rose
Quote :
I think when we finally have sorted out Mr Longbottom’s problems, he will owe two life-debts to you.”

Because sorting out other peoples problems for them is a good thing, right?

While she is lying awake thinking about the upcoming duel, she decides to look at herself.

Quote :
I had a lanky thinness to my legs and arms, that were decently muscled but still clearly feminine (I have to remember to send a big thanks to my Sensei and martial arts for that) the small tuft of black hair between my legs I had recently taken to shave to keep it neat, I had a slight potbelly that had no definition of athleticism to it and finally the two mounds on my chest with nipples erect in the cold dorm air, rising and falling rhythmically with every breath. I was hardly attractive.

Rolling Eyes

and that's pretty much it for chapter 7.
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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Wed Nov 18, 2009 12:28 pm

Quote :
I had a slight potbelly that had no definition of athleticism to it and finally the two mounds on my chest with nipples erect in the cold dorm air, rising and falling rhythmically with every breath.

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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Wed Nov 18, 2009 3:07 pm

Good lord, Skillet. This is hilarious! I'm looking forward to more.
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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Wed Nov 18, 2009 3:59 pm

Ah, Keiran Halcyon, undisputed fanfic master of the art of Completely Missing The Point. In Halcyonworld, the ideal hero/heroine of a work of fantasy is a borderline psychotic ninja-death-commando killing machine, who instantly turns every situation to their own advantage (as long as authorial fiat/hindsight are on their side) and needs no company but their own except for sex and ego-stroking. Haven't you always thought Star Wars would be much better if Luke killed fifty stormtroopers to save his aunt and uncle, instantly divined his relationship to Leia and Darth Vader, disabled the Death Star's tractor beam himself using the Force, saved Obi-Wan, and then berated the Rebels for their bad tactics before knocking out Vader's fighter himself, destroying the Death Star and finally going home for some nookie with a hot female Rebel pilot? Oh, and not to mention if he did all this in the altogether? I really must continue my sporking of his other fic, Sanctuary of Arda (plug plug).

On Rose's crushing on Oliver Wood, I think this is probably supposed to be Movie!Wood, aka Sean "Yes, That Is Ma Surname, Lassies" Biggerstaff.
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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Wed Nov 18, 2009 4:23 pm

Quote :
Is the sacred knowledge or brahood more widespread in the UK or am I just ignorant beyond my years, because I can't imagine an 11-12 year-old knowing that they need one.
Whether they did or not they wouldn't buy one from Victoria's Secrets, the UK's version is called Anne Summers. [/Britpicking]
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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Thu Nov 19, 2009 6:37 am

Don't be silly, if you can find it in America, you can find it anywhere. Diagon Alley's Victoria's Secrets is right next to the magical equivalent of McDonalds, across the street from Starbucks (they bought out Florian's Icecream-parlour).
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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Fri Jan 08, 2010 7:22 pm

Why is it that writers who want their sues to be naked in inappropriate (see also: Hogwarts exposed) situations make up some crap about nudism? They're obviously fapping to this so why don't they just go with exhibitionism?
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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Fri Jan 08, 2010 7:30 pm

It isn't even all that exhibitionistic in-story, though. Rose might as well be wearing ultra-comfortable clothes most of the time, since her Amulet of Plot Device conceals her and keeps her warm and dry. (If it keeps the elements away entirely, I would have thought a genuine nudist would find it unsatisfactory, since they wouldn't be able to feel the wind or the warmth of the sun on their skin. Unless of course it's ultra-selective and only stops actively unpleasant weather, which would not surprise me.)
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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Fri Jan 08, 2010 8:03 pm

I realize I'm older and a bit behind the times, but did anyone on here honestly get their first bra from Victoria's Secret? Because mine came from J.C. Penney's.
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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Fri Jan 08, 2010 8:17 pm

Keith Fraser wrote:
It isn't even all that exhibitionistic in-story, though.

That's what I don't get, since the author is obviously writing that in to get his rocks off.

And that's without the age related problems-you don't have to state her age on this board for HP readers to know what it is.
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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Sun Jan 10, 2010 3:46 pm

Rabid Badger wrote:
I realize I'm older and a bit behind the times, but did anyone on here honestly get their first bra from Victoria's Secret? Because mine came from J.C. Penney's.
Not me. Mine all came, and still come (since I am still not swimming in money), from major chains similar to J.C. Penney's.
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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Tue Jan 19, 2010 4:36 pm

Do Victoria's Secret even sell bras that would fit (or be suitable for in terms of support etc.) a growing 11-year-old? As far as I'm aware (not possessing either breasts or a girlfriend to buy their products for), they go in more for sexy lingerie for adult women, not training bras.

Going with the 'Keiran Halcyon is a guy' theory, it wouldn't surprise me if he threw in the reference to Victoria's Secret because he didn't know of anywhere else girls go to buy underwear.
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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Tue Jun 08, 2010 8:30 pm

this is some of the biggest bullshit I have ever read. I don't think I've ever facepalmed so much in so little time.
But I also rofled about a billion times at how absurd it all is.
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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Tue Jun 08, 2010 10:13 pm

stop rezing dead threads god fucking damnit
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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Tue Jun 08, 2010 10:14 pm

SirDixonDongs wrote:
stop rezing dead threads god fucking damnit

Obviously not dead enough, since I found it on the first page.
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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Tue Jun 08, 2010 10:15 pm

its from january its fucking dead quit it you dickbutt
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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Tue Jun 08, 2010 10:16 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Tue Jun 08, 2010 10:22 pm

SirDixonDongs wrote:
its from january its fucking dead quit it you dickbutt

I don't generally read the dates on when posts were made, I just comment on threads I haven't checked out until now. Its not the end of the world.
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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Tue Jun 08, 2010 10:26 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Wed Jun 09, 2010 1:05 am

GODDAMN IT DONGS I TOLD YOU THAT BIRD FREAKS ME OUT PUT A WARNING ON THAT SHIT JEEZ


BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRD
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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Wed Jun 09, 2010 10:04 am

seriously because i dont remember you telling me that but okay noted
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PostSubject: Re: Rose Potter: The Nudist Druid Ninja who lived.   Wed Jun 09, 2010 10:05 am

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